You made a good effort with this story but it doesn't wotrk for me.
I didn't get any sense of what the story was about. Who the narrator / character was? What was the significance of the horses? What was the overall point of the story?
I wouldn't even class it as horror. I don't think anything frightening or supernatural was happening.
As I read the story I just got a sense of a lot of images and scenes that didn't form a coherent storyline. I don't mean to be negative but in order to enjoy a story I need to get a sense there's actually a story going on that will take somewhere. I didn't get this from your piece.
Ending a story with 'it was all a dream' is the worst way to end a piece of writing. A lot of magazines wouldn't entertain a story that ended this way. Readers feel cheated, especially when the events leading up to the end were entertaining. I would suggest completely changing this.
I liked the opening. It intrigued me. I wondered what the significance of the horses would be. Unfortunately, the rest of the story didn't live up to the intrigue created by the opening.
This just didn't do it for me. Well done for actualy writing something. That's a big step. Thank you for the opportunity to read your work.
It contains some powerful imagery about internally struggling with your attraction to someone of the same gender. As an openly gay woman I can relate to everything that's happening in the poem. It touched a nerve in me.
I think there's a typing error in the first line of the 3rd stanza. 'a quite time'. Should this not be 'a quiet time'? Quite time doesn't make any sense. Quiet time sounds right.
I think this poem is very effective and emotional.
This can be difficult to achieve in a piece of work that's only a few lines long.
I liked the repeatiiton of the sound 'ight' at the end of each line. It creates a nice sence of rhythm.
This is a very sweet poem.
The only thing I'd change would be to put a capital letter at the start of each sentence. This is just a presentation thing. It looks more professional. If you wanted to publish a poem a lot of magazines wouldn't accept a poem in this layout unless this added some meaning to the poem.
It's well written and imaginative and has a strong, almost sing-song beat.
I really like the repeated line at the start of each stanza. They help create a very strong rhythm. The rhyming couplets do this as well.
Some of the rhymes used (i.e. hide and deep inside) are very obvious. This would normally make them instrusive and detract focus from the rest of the poem. However, when coupled with the repeated opening lines they simply add to the overall rhythm of the poem. The affect would be lessened if the opening lines weren't repeated.
I like this poem and it has good potential. It deals with some very emotional subject matter and is very touching.
There are a couple of things I would change to make the poem flow better.
I don't think the line 'what would you name your babies?' in the third stanza is necessary. It replicates the previous line and I don't feel this is required. I would suggest you choose another line starting with 'you never got' to reinforce the rhytm of the rest of the stanza.
I would cut the words 'these days' from the third line in the final stanza. I don't think it fits and I didn't find the meaning very clear.
I also wouldn't put capital letter in the final line of the poem. I understand you probably want to emphaises this point. It jars with the rest of the poem and looks clumsy.
I really like this poem even though it's so short. It contains some powerful imagery. For example (A dream woke me, a kiss so deep, my senses told me). This sentence is quite visual and sensual. I like the sense of rhythm carried through such a short piece. I wouldn't mind if if was a bit longer but that a personal choice. I rarely write anything less than 15 or 20 lines. I like the rhyme scheme used. It's not intrusive. By this I mean you barely notice it's there and it doesn't force your attention away from the actual poem.
I would change the line 'A dream awoke me' to 'a dream woke me'. 'Awoke' is quite an old fashioned word that doesn't get used much now.
I think this poem has potential but it needs a lot of work.
I think the lines of the poem are too long. They would have more impact if the stanzas were three or four lines long. At the moment they don't really give the reader time to pause and I find myself reading them in a rush. I think poetry is more powerful if you can read it slowly and really absorb the words.
I also find the rhyme schemes very intrusive. By this I mean the chosen words are very obvious (i.e. hell and well). This affects the impact of the rest of the line. It draws the readers attention away from the rest of the poem which lessons the impact of the poem. When rhymes are so obvious a reader gets a sort of beat in their head and can often miss the meaning behind other parts of the poem. I would suggest picking less obvious words. That way when you read it you don't immediately pick up that there is a rhyme scheme.
Well done for writing this. Writing as much as possible is important and you learn as you go.
I really loved this poem. It's very powerful. The imagery was very beautiful. The poem has a very gentle pace thatt carried me along sort of like lying on the sea in a dingy and gently floating with the tide. A very vivid poem indeed.
I think this poem has potential but needs a lot of work.
The rhyming couplets are off. A few times two lines will have a rhyming couplet. For example the first and second lines (end and depends). There are some lines where the rhyming couplets are separated by an unrhymed line. There are some lines where a rhyming couplet has an unrhymed line before it. For example lines 6 and 7 (sad and mad) have a line before then that doesn't rhyme with anything. Then there are lines with no rhyming couplet at the end (lines 12.14). This makes the whole thing very uneven. You start to read and get into the flow of a rhyme then it disappears. It would be better to stick to a rhyme scheme and go with it. Some examples are below:
> AABB = This is when two subsequent lines have a rhyming couplets (i.e first and second line)
> ABAB = This is when the lines with rhyming couplets alternative (i.e. first and third line)
The rhymes themselves are very intrusive. What I mean by these is that they are obvious. One example is 'cut and nut'. There are more subte words to use so the rhymes don't stick out so much. Some great poets have written poems that use rhyme schemes and you wouldn't notice. Some publications won't publish poems with intrusive rhymes. I speak from experience. You might consider not using rhymes at all. There's no hard fast rule that dictates poems need to rhyme.
I think this poem has potential but needs a lot of work.
The rhyming couplets are off. A few times two lines will have a rhyming couplet. For example the first and second lines (end and depends). There are some lines where the rhyming couplets are separated by an unrhymed line. There are some lines where a rhyming couplet has an unrhymed line before it. For example lines 6 and 7 (sad and mad) have a line before then that doesn't rhyme with anything. Then there are lines with no rhyming couplet at the end (lines 12.14). This makes the whole thing very uneven. You start to read and get into the flow of a rhyme then it disappears. It would be better to stick to a rhyme scheme and go with it. Some examples are below:
I am 30 years old and also a lesbian. Like you I knew as far back as I can remember. I did not accept it until I was 22. My reasons were different and similar to yours. I was bullied when I was young. Some of the bullying focused on my 'difference' because classmates sensed I was gay or at least not like them. I was afraid of being hated or punished.
I found certain parts of your story very moving. And honest. I'm glad you were able to live your real life and found acceptance and love.
This is a very good poem. Well written and evokes strong emotion. I feel like I can relate the narrator.
The only suggestion I have for improvement is I'd split it into stanzas. For example I'd have the line 'I want to kiss you' as the start of a second stanza. This helps slow down the pace of the poem so the reader can take their time and take it all in.
At the moment thought it reads very much like a piece of prose and not a poem. This is mainly because of the layout.
The lines are very long. It would read much better if they were changed into shorter lines. An example is the line 'you shouldn't have to hide who you really are....'. This is a very long line and doesn't let the reader pause. It's off-putting. It would be better as two or three short lines.
I understand what you're trying to achieve with this poem but I don't think it works.
The first three lines weaken the whole piece. They read as slightly farcial which affects the way you read the rest of the poem.
It deals with pretty intense subject matter and could be powerful if the first three lines were cut. The rest of the poem could be reworked and even made longer.
I really liked this poem. The imagery was very vivid. I could clearly picture the scene in my head. The poem was senseual in a soft way. Well done.
I would consider making tiny changes to the first stanza. I would cut the word 'shall' because it has an old fashioned feel I think jars with the rest of the poem. I would also consider changing the line 'my cry of the lonely wolf'. I don't think works as well as the rest.
I'm a lesbian but don't agree with marriage of any kind. I think it's a medeival institution that demens people. I think gay marriage is pandering to a heterosexual ideal of acceptable behaviour. If I wanted toi get married I'd be straight. I don't want the same life as heterosexual people or I would just be with men.
Me and my other half have been together over 5 years and have talked about it. In the end I don't need a bit of paper to prove anything.
I like the rhyme scheme in this poem. However, I think it needs a lot of work. At the moment the poem is just a series of images with no real connection between them. A poem has to say something to the reader. A good poem has to being to life a situation and narrator. It needs to tell a story in much the same way as a short story but on a smaller, more intimate scale. This poem doesn't at the moment but I think it could. Have a read of some poems by Sylvia Plath or WH Auden to see what I mean.
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