Mission Statement: I have begun to review military literature posted on Writing.com, mainly to point out flaws, and/or inaccuracies in authenticity, as well as give positive feedback on accurate representations. My sincere hope is to help strengthen a writer’s knowledge in a militaristic understanding, so that they may better their story over time. I hope this helps you.
Flaws: There are too many militaristic flaws, both big and small, to get into them all, but I will point out a few errors that you might like to know about for future reference:
1.) “Commander Cheffer” – “Commander” is not an actual rank in the military. It would be more authentic for him to be “Lieutenant”, or “Captain”. Depending on if it’s a small platoon of soldiers, or a bigger Company.
2.) It sounds like the soldiers are lined up in the middle of a street, randomly killing civilians.
First, they would most likely have orders on who to kill. What if they killed an important person’s son or daughter or wife?
Second, they wouldn’t be out in the open. If you had a gun, and you were shooting citizens, would you be exposed? If there was any retaliation, then the soldiers would be slaughtered without cover.
Third, the operation sounds too sloppy. One of the many reasons the U.S. Army is the best in the world, is because they have restraint, and are proficiently trained, and precise in defense, and offence. The Army in that day, and age you’re describing would do better to round up the citizens, and kill them quietly in a securely guarded, government facility. Just common sense things. Think like this: “If I were to be in a situation where I might be engaged by enemy forces, or retaliated upon, what precautions might I take?”.
Plot: Assuming that this story is taking place in the distant future, the United States has adopted the thought process of China as far as limiting family size, and we have also become similar to the Nazis by exterminating people, then I can start getting into this story. I read it twice over, and I want to see in which direction this plot unfolds. There are a few questions that I want to see answered as well, such as how the government official knew the “signal” on needing help.
Overall: The story needs work done on grammar, and there are many flaws in the military aspect, but I would love to see the next chapter come out soon. Please don’t take my criticisms to harshly. I would just like to see the story become a little more real, especially if it is a war story. = )
If you would like to ask me anything as far as the structure of the military, or have any questions on military strategy, then please email me.
Hope to see the next chapter soon! 
~Mike |
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