You have an excellent story line here. the only Issue i had was that if felt choppy as i was reading, the stanzas read almost like conversation even if there wasn't any at all. my suggestion would be to add no more detail to your surrounding and feelings but to the flow of the story. i hope this helps you.
keep writing i cant wait to read more- peacock.
This was a little confusing but good. I like the way the story flows and the wording and imagery was good up until the line in the second stanza
"if it doesn't make the heart a bleak?"
i feel like you streched to make this line work and then you snapped back into a good rhyme scheme. dont try so hard to follow the same pattern its ok if one line dosnt rhyme. I would love to read more keep writing.
I usually dont like rhyme scheme poems but this one was good and it flowed nicley from one line to another. it had a very rhythmic feeling and it dosnt strech to rhyme at the end of each line. Your very clever in your vocabulary to. this is a great poem and i would actually liek to read more. just be careful about the words you do use. if you get to complex in your vocabulary you take away from the cuteness.
Very clever word play. I rather enjoied this sonnet. My favorite stanza was the third...
That’s why it is said: don’t argue with fools;
In doing so you can never win them.
They throw on you vile and slippery tools
And verily cause a mental mayhem.
I feel like i can relate to your sonnet with my life story. all i have to say is that this is very advanced and the average person with the IQ under room temperature may not understand. just something to keep in mind for futur writings. but this is very clever keep writing. your very good.
This story was good but sad at the same time. I love yor use of imagery to actually put the person in india. You grab people attention with your slow mellow dramatic startys and keep then enticed with the flow of your sentences. The second to last stanza
"No more was she able to be held by him to feel his warmth, his beating heart. Tears filled Majah's eyes blurring her vision and a throbbing pain arose in her breast, a throb so intense she was consumed by it. The last vision of him faded with the smaller cloud of dust rising over the hill of their departure. The dust shimmered in the low rising sun now warming the morning air."
was really well writien and almost make the reader want to cry along with majah.
If i had to give some constructive criticism i would suggest that you watch for gramatical arrors like the last sentence
"her hand against he belly" it should be his belly.
Good basis and an excelent ending with great imagery. but i didnt understand a few sentences that just didnt seem ti fit. like....
"With the twinkling of an eye"
"Want that same opportunity" (i would def. put a ? here)
"Started playing the wisher's part"
I would clarify some of these but tying them into the rest of the stanza some how.
I like the tone and direction of this poem. it uses good imagery and it flows nicely. The line
After all, just yesterday we’d been in the park,
Feeding the birds, her favorite was a lark
But when I thought about all that had passed
I realized that yesterday, was 10 years past
Made me think that shes in a coma or just severly ill and at the end she dies. This has a good cross refrence to the snow white story when you think about it. I would expand a little more on the fact that she isnt dead yet. I thought she was dead from the start and the second person was just talking in past tense. Great job.
This was a good poem, but it did lack imagery. and the last sentence,
"As though my God would use on me my own hard measuring stick."
This did have imagery but im not sure it was what you were going for. This makes me feel like your oposing him or he is refusing yuo in some way for trying to follow him. I would go back and revise that last sentence but other than that, its great
hope i helped
:)
This story starts off a little slow... I did like your use of context and contrasting emotions that s a good bases for this story adn it seems to match the title really well. i give this story a thumbs up. but i do suggest that you add a little more excitment instead of starting off slow and progressivly getting to your good details.
Sounds like you talking in the view of davy jones from pirates of the caribbean. But i really like this poem, the way it starts dramatic and finishes just as dramatice with saddness writen between the lines of each stanza. I think you could have added a little more detail to the phrases yuo used..... maby i little more imiagry like when you wrote about "the bloody muscle" that was good it made me think of a bloody heart beating in the plam of my hand..... add on that nice quality you have. hope this helped.
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