I have ditched my traditional review format to give you a message that is close to my heart. I have a close friend that is homeless. All that you say here rings so true for him as well. The way that those who have jobs and families look at the homeless can be extremely cruel. Yes, there are those that have mental illnesses and drug problems that have taken to the streets, but they are all human.
Now that the economy has been so poor, with industries failing and companies laying off thousands, there are more homeless people than ever. Many of those homeless people we see on the streets are good, decent people, that just need help and the love of a fellow human being. They need jobs, shelter, food and health care.
The problem is so huge, it is hard to feel that one can have an impact. But, I am doing what I can for my friend. It is very gratifying to know he can eat because I believed in him. I hope he feels worthy after all the defeats he has had. It will be hard for him to feel like a man again until he has a job and a place to live. I pray for him daily.
As for your piece: Spelling is good, I am just not sure "mis-education" is a word.The grammar is perfect! I say this knowing full well all your "i"s are lower case... THAT IS THE POINT of feeling lower in this work, then the last "I" is capitalized. Perfect effect.
Obviously I love this.
Hi hooves. This is a review from Amanda! After reading "Sara's Port, Ch. 1" I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are only my observations and are in no way meant to be discouraging.
First Impression: Immediately interesting and easily took me through the whole chapter.
Suggestions: I really can’t say that I have any way to improve upon this.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: It was during such a stretch, the previous Spring, that Oliver initially joined – should be Spring, which. He found a lot of excellent work, but no writing ever effected - affected
Things I Like: You have captured my interest and I would like to read the whole story.
I really enjoyed your poem. Just doing a little research for a character that has cancer in my novel and you effectively mad me feel how a person with this diagnosis and prognosis would feel. No grammatical errors or spelling issues.
I was convinced I would fall asleep tonight if I read one more story, but this was so good that I could not stop reading. It is very entertaining and the only suggestion I may provide is to build up to the first moment that Jonah is snoring and levitating. It rather took me by surprise, and perhaps I need a little hand holding in the way of suspense to understand the gravity of that moment when i first read it.
Well done though, and now I will sleep and hopefully not snore.
A
This review is only to offer helpful advice so please remember that all advice is merely that person's opinion.
The first thing that trips me up is what an MNC is. Forgive my naivete, but acronyms drive me crazy. I work with them all day, I don't want to read them in my pleasure reading.
Then I have trouble visualizing how you could see the handle of the knife he was holding, was he holding it by the blade? If someone drew a knife on me, I would not look very closely at it because I would need to watch him for any move he would make to hurt me. I might notice the handle as I contemplate pulling it out of myself.
At the end of the second paragraph the assailant speaks, remember to start a new paragraph for dialogue. I do like how you mix actions and description with dialogue though, it is so much better than "he said" and "she said".
If you take a moment to run the Word grammar tool over your documents you will catch the plethora of errors. I am a lazy writer and use this tool constantly. The most annoying thing is the stupid passive sentence warning. It comes up all the time.
Good to see you here, and hope to hear from you.
A
This was enjoyable to read in spite of the somber subject. You teased me into reading it with the chanting of the syllables for tsunami. I am not sure how you could improve it. I will look for more of your material to read. My prayers to the victims of the latest tsunami and related disasters.
I am being a little tough on you, but you seem tough. So, hopefully you can take this well and remember I suggest this in the sincerest way.
Fuck is a word that is entirely overused in this piece. I took it, and a few choice other ones, out of some work I had done and improved it vastly. Fuck is a bit like crying wolf, it loses impact after one use. I would like to have seen some other choice words, ie: swearing in general to balance this one word out.
It is a disturbing piece aside from the swearing issue... That is real writing, the disturbing part. Thanks for making me angry, any emotion that you evoke in a reader means that you are accomplishing something.
There is a great deal of emotion involved in this work. I can't help but feel that you believe you are forever inferior to this 'angel'. I get the feeling that she had no idea how profound that kiss was for you. She may hand out kisses like business cards.
This ends up making me sad, that someone would use another in this way. Am I missing your point?
This is an honorable mission, and I have family in the military, so I feel the sentiment. It is a bit brief to get the reader fully involved in the idea. Tell us what you miss about the person that comes home safe. Do they come home during the time that daffodils bloom?
Thanks for remembering our citizens that serve our country.
This is so beautiful. Good poetry has a way of making English (or any language for that matter) a work of art.
This poem tickles the skin, and takes the reader to a softer and lovelier place. Thank you for taking me away from my own writing, my work and other daily encumbrances.
Is this how an addiction starts? I do not consider myself an addictive personality, and yet have spent the last year writing in my spare time. Some of that spare time is truly 'spare' and some of it could be spent doing housework, grooming the dog, reading something much better than I write, calling my parents, talking to friends, taking an actual lunch break and sleeping at night.
I like the direction this is going. I need to feel like I know the characters more, especially the main character. How does she feel about herself? Is she afraid of this new man? Describe him to me more... make me want to meet him too.
Messed up, you know yourself. It is okay to live in this a little while, but get away for a breath of fresh air. You may be able to express the feelings that are dying to get on the page. Perhaps you can find a way to say Okay, with out saying it.
Ah, it is a masquerade, but hardly a party. Is this extracted from truth? It seems very close to you. i would like it to take a little more time to develop, with more detail and emotional description. It makes me think though, what mask am I wearing today?
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