This was such a fun read and I'm wondering what's going to happen next. I like the difference in characters and I liked how you had Tyler look around the cafeteria to see kids doing different things.
What I would suggest is that this section is a little shorter. Maybe a quick summary of what's happening with a few lines here and there from the other characters. I don't have any problem with the grammar and I love that you've kept some of the childish language within your story. Sometimes people have a habit of having the children speak too old or young and you've done a good job of keeping their voices normal.
If they're supposed to be ten year olds though, would Tyler use the word "Adolescence." I feel like this is a little old for him. Maybe "teen" would be better because I don't think even teenagers refer to it as adolescence themselves too often.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/penguin__ninja
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:12am on Nov 17, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
