I liked this story very much. The writing style is wonderful. The writing flows nicely and the storyline was intriguing. I have listed some things below for your consideration. Please take them in a good light - that is how they are intended. I thank you for a very enjoyable read.
And most importantly, I will tell you of a people known as the harujahs. Shouldn't the first letter of the word 'harujahs' be capitalized?
The God of Fire gathered his energies, focusing it from Here you write the word 'energies' then us the word 'it'. Change it to 'them' or just drop the word all together.
He went through clouds, leaving a hole where he went through, a frozen spike I'd drop the second 'through'. It a repeat of a word you already used in the sentence and is not needed. Maybe you could say something like - leaving a hole in his wake.
Cael sped above the cloud floors, across the lands, towards the seas that bordered the world. This cause me to pause and reread because you just said that he went through the clouds - sounds like he went down through them - then he was moving across the floor of the clouds. Did I miss something or did you? In either case - it is up to you to fix it. I think the confusion comes because of two things. First, you said that there was a city of the gods in the sky, in the forward - this guy seems to be a god - then you say this in Chapter one: 'A thousand strides above the Plains of Duraldera, a man garbed in majestic crimson silk stood, surveying all the good things that were beneath him.' Therefore when he "moved" my mind put his movement in a downward - through the clouds motion. Like I said it could just be me but I think a word or two here or there could take care of this. Just a thought - though I admit - a long one. lol
There, he did what no mortal could do. I would drop the last word 'do'. The sentence has greater impact without it.
The scenes rushed past him in the blink of an eye, yet he took the details all in, I change this to read: The scenes rushed past in the blink of an eye, yet he took in all the details...
Then in mid-air, he stopped. I would drop the 'in mid-air' part. That part is assumed and only serves to weaken an otherwise strong sentence.
Below him lay a human clad in tattered sheets of black. The man was asleep, but only lightly. When you use words like 'was' in narrative, it draws the story too far into the 'tell' category - if you know what I mean. 'Here maybe you could say: Below him a light sleeper lay clad in tattered sheets of black.' The whole chapter so far is done in narrative voice so it is hard not to be drawn into the 'tell' instead of 'show' trap, but there are ways to avoid it and this is one of them - watch out for words 'was', 'and then' and using the word 'he' over and over again; like he did this and he did that, instead of just describing those things from 'he's' point of view.
I loved this story - I am not a fantasy fan, but a friend of mine is. You may know him as paul_k here, but those who have read his books and stories know him as Paul H. Kogel. He is a fantasy writer and introduced me to this site. I will tell him about this story. I think he will like it very much.
Ha, I am just new here (been active for just 2 days) but I get your point, and I must say, you got it across quite elegantly. I will try to live by your example, but don't expect me to beat up on myself the way you did - not for a while anyway. I enjoyed this cute little piece. Thank you for a wonderful read.
This is a very cute piece. You remind me of my neighbor; she is the Cat Lady of our neighborhood. But she does love Root, our dog (my son named him – it has something to do with computers so don’t ask me) and loves to chat it up with him when ever he is out on the back screened in porch. Yes, I’d say that often there is room for a dog in a cat woman’s life – and the other way around as well. Thanks for the delightful read.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/peter_k
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:42pm on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
