Sorry for the delay in reviewing, but life has been very hectic lately.
Very clear prose which held drama and tension through the piece.. the last Stanza particularly worked for me, the use of repetition with the word reflection, was particularly clever.
The backstory, well portrayed and illustrated, and I found it very easy to engage with the feelings and emotions highlighted within.
Thank you for sharing it...
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
I am finding this quite a difficult to poem to review. There are some clever thoughts and twists within, but unfortunately it is very difficult to relate to as there appears no conventional format. That in itself could actually be seen as a plus.
Formats in poetry are there for a reason - to offer strength and skeletal structure to hang your words on, offering help and holding the drama and sentiments together.
When you know those formats and break them, you again move forward. This piece though doesn't actually feel as if it is going anywhere. There is little momentum.
Best wishes though, you obviously have passion, so I would take another look at the piece, possibly thining it out.
Best wishes Shani
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
Clear title - but it doesn't really describe the point of the piece (the picture)but it flagged up to me the purpose of the piece, and the prose followed this signpost.
There was a potential here for the piece to ramble, but it doesn't. You have used the page to set out the words with careful emphasis, and heightening drama with the shortening of the word rows.
It scans well when read outloud, and I did enjoy it.
Many thanks for sharing Shani
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
A very poignant dramatic piece. Well presented on the page -the shape of the stair echoing the words and sentiments contained within. The obvious care taken here - establishing a framework and expectation from the reader offering a point of connection.
I thought the brevity worked well. Best wishes
Shani Hubble {/i}
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
Scans well, and works well not only on the page, but being read out as well. I do though think I would have packaged each phrase in either two line or 4 line stanzas (subjective thought, not a criticism)
The theme of pain is conveyed eloquently and passionately in dramatic form and texture, palpable and transporting the reader into your world.
I felt the ending left me wanting to know more, and haunts me after only a couple of readings...
Thank you for sharing.
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
Well - this is a poem with an opinion - the only problem I have is it is culturely relevant to America and doesn't really transport across the pond.
Why Virginia?
There is strength and characters, and the power of passion emerges. Unfortunately though it didn't invite me to engage, it just shouted at me. I needs some crafting and moulding to stand on anything except its own soap box.
When I have a moment I will visit your porfolio to try to get a flavour of your work.
Best wishes and thanks for posting
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
Beautiful. The use of Repetition through the Stanzas flows and ripples gently, contrasting against the sadness of the theme.
The piece works well on the page, and scans well outloud.
The Rhyming is elegant and careful. Less is more here, and the emotion and drama is evocatively poised at the end of each phrase, pulling you back into the poem.
Thank you for sharing - Shani
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
Good dramatic prose and tortured texture. The first stanza though could do with a little weeding. You don't need "that" and "but" - all these joining words stilt the flow and jar when reading the piece outloud.
If you want to keep them, alter the position on the page - poetry is as much about how it looks on the as what it actually says.
The next stanza you have a redundant "suddenly".
Then we get into the poem in the last two stanzas. Could still do with some repositioning on the page, but more poem-like.
The last three lines - perfect conclusion to the performance.
I did like this piece very much - it holds so much promise (and I would have rated it higher as a short story/flash fiction - a 4.5 +)
Personally though if you want to keep it as a poem I would treat it as a first edit and go back to it with metaphoric hedge trimmers (as I so often do to mine !!). Please come back and I will be happy to rerate it.
Best wishes Shani
Shani Phethean-Hubble
Visit My Web Page for Writing Hints, Links and Poetry Review Forum
I enjoyed the general tenor and rhythmic tone of this poem. Unfortuantely though, even though it read really well outloud, the capitals did nothing for my reception of it on the page.
Nice sentiments which trip gently and don't challenge - a good neat poem.
This is a clever poem. You signal clearly in the title where you are going over this and you deliver the goods as promised.
There are problems with the rhyming in the middle four stanzas. I am not sure of your first language, but when read out loud in English - they just don't work. But that is your choice as poet to how you will address this, either alter the others so nothing rhymes but keep the metre, or bring the middles ones into line.
A clever poem though, and well worth putting in some more work on it...
You used repetition to great effect, ie the Forget me not of the title rippled through the stanzas.
It scans well both on the page in to the ear. The rhymes didn't feel at all forced, as they sometimes are in such a tight piece of work.
The comment I would make is that I struggled with where the piece was going storywise and the function of it. You invoking someone not to forget you - who? and why not? Perhaps this could be another stanza before the last?
This is the kind of no-nonsense advice, spelt out in simple and easily digestible language, which I would strongly recommend all writers read, before spending one penny of their hard-earned cash on these heavily hyped "tools".
Very powerful - the repetition in the third stanza, building up expectations in the reader..
The line.... "it's me that I can't see, because you left without a trace" - I wish I had constructed that phrase. It evokes a lot of emotions with very few words - the definition of poetry.
Thank you for sharing
Best wishes
Shani Phethean-Hubble
I have read this poem through a number of times now, and it has grown on me. Initially I found the number of "statements" running through it quite difficult to take on board, but I realise now they offer hope to the disillusioned who come to this prose.
I felt there was a backstory which spoke of pain in the writer and the writing, and left a lot unsaid to the reader. I would like to know a little of the backstory - which would probably make a good poem in its own right.
Thank you for sharing this with me, as I say I have mulled over this for a couple of days now, and I think it is a credit to you and an ode to survival. Shani
This poem made a good strong entrance, but fell away at the end. The use of repetition in the last three stanzas distracted me from the pattern of the first part. It became almost two poems.
You make a lot of statements which become quite aggressive, and almost sermon-like to the reader.
That having been said, I can sense a strength of purpose and the last line left me thinking, and will allow me to remember the poem.
A really clever use of form, as you explore the consequences of such an evocative debate.
I felt the questions hung in the air as an open invitation - encouraging interaction between the writer and the audience, involving us in the dilema and debate.
I have awarded this a five, simply because I wish I had written it.
A clever poem with the use of repetition holding the words and thoughts into each new line. It works well on the page as well as read out loud.
I love the way the reader is left with the last line of hope despite the passage of time. Almost a longing for perhaps this to be carried into another stanza?
This is good clean prose, the stanzas are concise and make clear punctuated staements. I am not sure how I could better it. The poem works both on the page and orally. I can also empathise with the sentiments.. it is difficult being two people...
Brilliant, what a useful article to have, not only for the beginner writer tentively with their toe in the water, but for the more experienced as well, as an aide memoire. Thank you, and I shall bookmark this.
Best wishes Shani
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