A great idea, i loved the bit where xavier kept the blade,
i only have a few suggestions, i hope you take them Constructively
As they drove, they passed the old and falling apart train depot.
- sounds a bit wrong, maybe if you say -
"As they drove, they passed the old train depot, which was now falling apart"
The two latest victims about to be robbed and have their lives taken away from them after they had been stripped of their dignity and the woman raped, looked like they had all the money in the world to Bobby and Jack.
the sentence needs punctuation, maybe something like this:
"The two latest victims, who looked like they had all the money in the world to Bobby and Jack, where about to be robbed and have their lives taken away from them after they had been stripped of their dignity and the woman raped."
that both the man and woman wore.
When the pair was ordered at gunpoint <--- maybe replace was with were
fast their captors only say a blur <---i think you mean saw
i didn't see much else and look forward to seeing more of your work, keep on writing mate.
Hi
a great story you have starting to roll along here
I found my self riding along with Aaron and Tara
i also loved your imaginative view on magic
only one thing ide like to point out, if you don't mind
just in your dialog, the text seems to get a bit choc-a-block, maybe line spacing might make it a bit easier to read, not to mention more attractive for readers.
but yes like i said a wonderful story, and you get your reader very involved, love to see more.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 4:44am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
