Initial Impression:
Found on "Please Review" [E] ~ A story of friends and relationships in a college setting.
Characters:
Grace: The main character. The story revolves around her. We should know more of her - physical description, for example. She has some interesting problems, but make her more detailed to draw your reader into those issues.
Kyle: Grace is uncomfortable around Kyle, but it takes several pages for us to learn why. That alone, is good suspense, but built up the curiosity, by allowing some emotion to show through. For example, when she walks on the grass instead of right beside him, what is she feeling? Angry? Disappointed? Afraid? Revulsed?
Faith: A friend only appearing online. So far, she has added nothing to the story. Unless she has a specific part to play down the road you may wish to consider removing this character.
Jack: Grace's newest friend. I feel I know Jack the best because we see how outgoing and friendly he is through his actions. He makes Grace laugh and she doesn't mind spending time with him on their projects.
Plot/Storyline:
I am not certain of a specific goal in this story. It is about friendships, I believe. This is where I suggest you tighten up your ideas and focus on what kind of plot or message you want to deliver.
In approximately six pages, Grace goes to classes a couple of times, sleeps, IMs, emails... many of these things are mundane. Be careful using them, because they can slow down the story. For such things, use them only to progress the story. For example, the IM conversation between Grace and Faith does not add anything to character development or hint at a plot developing. If you want to keep Faith as an intregal part of the story, try adding something like a quick comment from Grace about seeing Kyle again and still feeling queasy... or something similar that would bring her into the plot.
Structure/Grammar:
Check your dialogue tags. There were several places where dialogue was missing a comma before the close quote symbol.
No spelling or grammar errors. Good paragraph lengths.
Summary:
My first, biggest suggestion is to work on "Show, Don't Tell". I can see you have an idea to weave together a set of friends. But, this reads more like a summary or loose outline. Now, take what you have here and instead of telling what happened, show it with active verbs and in-depth descriptions. Avoid words like was, began, looked, very, got. Instead use words that demonstrate, or show action.
Here is an example of the opening paragraph with more active words/descriptions -
The first day of class brought excitement and dread. A whole year of studying stretched out before her, but also a year of friends and fun. Grace slid into a desk by the window and smiled at the tree beyond. The leaves started already changing with the cooler than usual nights. The teacher dragged her from her daydream with a quick introduction before launching into the first assignment.
"Oh great," Grace thought. "I can't stand working with a stranger."
"stretched", "slid", "launching" all bring a little livliness while the same thing happened. Adding a comment about the weather, or even adding something about the teacher or Grace herself would also help set the scene. Show the story happening to make the reader feel she is there within the story.
Conflict among friends, especially when love/lust is involved does make interesting stories. You have several characters here, and you clearly have an intent for them to become more intertwine. Run with that, but do it by diving deeper into your story and into the minds of your characters. You have a good start here. Keep writing!
~Pia Veleno
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