Amazing! And what a great twist at the end! All in all, this is a great story. I'd love to see more like this!
One thing that didn't sit right with me, was how Victor seemed to get scared and give in so easily, especially after his tough guy act earlier on in the story. And it would be a bit more interesting if she'd gotten to chase him, just a little bit.
I only noticed one spelling mistake, and an extra quotation mark at the very end of the story.
“One little bit is all it will take, my dear. One bite and you will be just like me.”
I think one general improvement on this piece would be to add more emotion. When people are thinking of suicide they're generally feeling sad and upset, and as if they're alone in the world with nobody who cares. Tell us how the character is feeling at certain points. Is she crying as she slits her wrist and changes into her favorite clothes? Does she start to regret her decision for just a moment after she slits her wrist? She must be getting weak and shaky from blood lose, does this scare her at all or is she secretly relieved that it's almost over?
Mistakes:
These are just a few of the mistakes I noticed, if you want more feedback on it, please let me know and I'll be glad to point out the others to you. :)
To Whom it may Concern, -- This should be To whom it may concern,. You don't need to alternate capitals
If you are reading thid note than you are the one meant to read it. ...... -- This part almost seems a bit unnecessary. It's this, not thid. And you only need three periods at the end, this is called an ellipsis1 but it should be changed to If you are reading this note, then you are the one meant to read it...
Is what I typed on the computer and left in large font on the screen -- I'm guessing that you mean it's as your first word. You also have an extra space added after 'on'. It's what I typed on the computer and left in large font on the screen
"Oh Well Doesnt Matter" I thought -- You don't need capital letters for every word, just the first one. Also, add a comma and period into this sentence. "Oh well, doesn't matter." I thought
Tips:
- Use spell check often, and if you're not sure how to spell a word, look it up.
- Keep an eye on where you're putting your capital letters. I noticed that you use them a lot of the time when they aren't needed. The only time you should be using them in this poem is at the beginning of each line.
- Don't start off a new line with ... (ellipsis), these are better suited to the end of a line. And make sure you don't overuse them.
- Remember to add a space after your comma's and periods. This will make it much easier for people to read.
I really hope this didn't seem to harsh or picky! Remember, if you need help with the rest I'd be more than glad to help out as much as I can. Keep on writing, I'm looking forward to seeing more work from you.
Footnotes 1 An ellipsis is sometimes used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence.
I really like how this piece starts out, but I think it ends a little too quickly, especially for my taste. One general improvement would be add a bit more emotion into this, especially when they're talking. Does her father have a sad expression as he leaves, or does he secretly look a bit relieved? Is Brianna trying to hold back tears when he walks out the front door, or is she still too surprised or shocked? Where is her mother while all of this is going on? Is she crying in her bedroom, sitting at the kitchen table?
Brianna just looked at her dad and said, “Oh. When?”
This makes it seem as though Brianna doesn't care whether he stays or goes, so I think a small improvement would be to add what Brianna is thinking, or feeling at this point. Is she feeling shocked, numb, angry?
This was a major turning point in Brianna's life.
I think a bit more needs to be added on here, because it seems to end too abruptly.
All in all, I really liked this piece even though it's about divorce, which is usually not a good time for the child. I really like the part added in about how Brianna loves her mom's smile, that's so sweet and adorable. :)
Anyways, these are just my opinions, and I only hope that they help you out! Keep on writing, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this!
I think everyone should read this before they submit a review. It contains a lot of useful information that help people to better understand what a review really is. You don't just need to point out what might be wrong with the piece you're reviewing, but also what makes it a good piece. :)
This is a pretty good piece, though I notice there are a lot of mistakes concerning spelling, grammar and punctuation. Also, I think you need to be a bit more descriptive of all the events going on. The majority of this story seems to be talking, and most of that ends with "he/she said". Maybe add a bit more on what else is going on, like the wind blowing through the trees in the forest and the sound of the dogs being carried to them on the wind.
My favorite part of this piece is right at the end, when Henry finally finds Gwen. It's very sweet, but also sad that it was so long before they could meet.
I really think this has great potential, so please keep adding onto it and fixing it! Anyways, these are just my ideas and opinions, and I only hope that they help you out! Keep on writing!
This piece is short, but it most definitely has a huge impact (at least to me), especially on anyone who has felt the same way before.
I think it would have even more impact if it flowed a bit better, the yo-yo part doesn't seem to fit in right for some opinion, but I can't put my finger on why. Anyways, that's just my little opinion! Write on. :)
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