If you want to do this tale in the present tense, then I'd be consistent with it. "Opening my mouth out of alarm my body tries to yelp but no sound escaped from my mouth. He remained motionless before me, his icy blue eyes only just emerging from under his disheveled dirty blonde hair, his clothing as dark as the night behind him illuminating his eyes." for instance, you need to change escaped and remained to escapes and remains, respectively.
Other than that, it seems to be a bit short for a chapter. Not a criticism, just an observation.
Well, I can say this much, whatever the flaws: I think I'd like to see what in the hell is on the second floor, what "Lady" is beckoning him.
A couple of points. First off, this "Stumbling to and fro like a beast in a Shelly novel, the faded green plastic catches my eye." Are you saying that the faded green pablic is stumbling to and fro, or is the narrator?
"pebble in the shoe" as a metaphor doesn't exactly fit the way you are using it, or at least the way I'm reading. Do pebbles rattle around in shoes? I know in mine, they find a nice comfy spot and proceed to annoy the hell out of me, pardon my french if you're a religious man.
Finally, this "He'll hold out for a while, but eventually, I'll find her" How does he hold out if the narrator goes straight to his house?
I'm going to say this is creepy. Now, I don't know whether you were hoping for that reaction (please tell me that you were), but that gets to the spooky stalker turned psycho rapist ambiance.
I'm thinking the only thing that is holding you back from more reviews is running it through spell and grammar checkers. For instance, "angle" when I think you meant angel.
The phrase "show don't tell" seems to come to mind with this work. Namely, in the first phrases. You state what Max is thinking about without letting Max think it in the first place.
Maybe have the thoughts drift over the ages, starting from five when he would do something all the way to the his marriage, her death, and the present day.
Also, I know this is a character piece, but the fact that it is a character piece does not mean that it can not go anywhere. This man goes all the way for a walk to a post office to open an empty mail box (BTW, as far as I know, post boxes use keys, not combinations.)? What does that mean? He outlived everybody else who would write him? That he's fallen off the face of the earth?
Dispassionate as hell and just about the same.
The one place I would change this around is how I started it. You start in the same, objective, monotone voice throughout this whole thing. Maybe start a little more passionate, a little more idealistic before going down to the base and the objective in your piece. Still, good meter on this and has some interesting possibilities.
I guess the biggest problem I have is the amount of back story in this prologue. I know that the purpose of the prologue is to give some context so the reader isn't totally confused, but you don't need to give all the context, let it build throughout the story, rather than as one big gollup (much the same problem I'm facing in my own novel).
Also, what's with the originating story about the elf tricking all those dwarves? To give some concept of his powers? If this person is suppose to be a major character, I wouldn't do it all at the beginning. Hint at things a little more.
okay, so what is the point,where is this going? Why the dream about the King, coming in, stealing something, and then leaving? Is it some sort of foretelling of the child's musical talent, or something like this? I note that you said this was an assignment. My guess is that you had to take one from a list of statements and make a short story out of it. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to link that beginning and ending, and why the wife is so concerned about the dreams.
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