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2,188 Public Reviews Given
2,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.

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What I Liked


*StarV* A sonnet for chocolate. How could I resist reviewing this? You know I'm always going to love something like this. From your first line, you had me nodding my head and agreeing with you. It is strange some people don't understand the joys of chocolate. I can never understand people who claim they don't like it. I'm sure they're lying.

*StarV* With regards to the form, I think it's perfect. A sonnet is a poem of love, and that's just what this is. There are moments when it could be written about another person. For example, the lines: "I see my love in sizes large and small," and "With skin so smooth, I can't resist at all." These could easily be written for the special lady in your life, which makes the fact that it's written about chocolate even more brilliant!

*StarV* I love how you work your way to the ending, where you reveal your greatest heartache: Valentine's Day. I love the rhyming couplet at the end: "Oh, Valentine's is such a tragic day; / that's when I'm forced to give my love away *Cry*" Oh, I can relate to that. I feel your pain!


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Suggestions


There are a couple of places where the meter seems a little off. Just a little. The first line, for example, I had to read a number of times before I got the rhythm so that it flowed into the next line. The word favourite on the next line doesn't quite fit the meter, as well.


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Parting Comments


I really like this poem. I think chocolate is a great subject for a love poem. I may have even written one, myself, previously. I enjoyed your humour at the end, where you relay your pain at having to give chocolates away to a lover on Valentine's Day. I really like this.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


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502
502
Review of Samoset's Journey  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Anniversary review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.


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What I Liked


*StarV* Samoset! I loved Samoset. He is a wonderful character. He's clever, dutiful, and has an enormous heart. This is a great story of how small acts of kindness and generosity can mean so much in a time of war (or any time, come to mention it.) However, I fear his fate would not have been great. I'm sure they would have killed him without hesitation. But, I love how you show him thinking of 'Sunset' and worrying for her safety.

*Starv* I was moved by the way Samoset thinks of his former life, and of how plague and battles have killed almost everybody. His sense of loss is huge. Yet, still, he is able to have compassion for the English girl.

*StarV* I love stories that highlight how so-called intelligence and civilisation aren't necessarily the things that make a person/nation/community great. Here, we see Samoset, the native who all the invading Englishmen regard as less than human, actually knowing more than they do, and holding the power to save their lives. I suspect they were too foolish and full of their own importance to pay him any heed.

*StarV* The clever way that Samoset plays this at the end made me smile. He decides to play to the preconceived ideas of the English and act like a dumb native. He strips off, then says, "Welcome, English. Have you ale for weary traveler?" I like that. He's clearly met some English people before this!


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Suggestions


I have no suggestions because I think this is already excellent. I did, however, spot one grammatical error. You write, "After three winter's neglect." winters is plural here, so it should be winters'.


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Parting Comments

I really enjoyed reading this story. You've done a great job with Samoset's character, and also the characters of the stupid English. It's a riveting read, and I was hooked the whole way through. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


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503
503
Review of Sacrifices  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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Poetic Toolbox


*Starv* This poem is a really moving tribute to everyone who has ever served in the armed forces. The image of the old man seeing his own reflection from decades back, and then remembering his military career, is nicely written. His uniform still fits, albeit a little tightly, and his face is lined and hair is white. But he's still the same man, underneath all of that. And his memories remain. I can't quite work out whether I feel happy or sad at the end. Is it possible to feel both?

*Starv* You have some beautiful imagery through this poem. For example, these lines in the first verse are vivid and tell us so much about this man: "the passage of the years written / in lines and hair, now white." In contrast, you say this, about his memories of his younger self: "a young man unlined by life's trials." It's a great way of showing his age.

*Starv* There are nine quatrains in this poem, all with an abab rhyme scheme. This gives it a great rhythm and pace. It reads so fluidly, it just trips off the tongue. I love how you've written it.


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Favourite Lines


These are my favourite lines: "He looks the soldier in the eye / and sees a glint of pride." I love that he acknowledges the part he played in the war. I wonder whether he dies at the end because you mention a "final sigh." I may be reading too much into it. I have a tendency to do that.


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Parting Comments


This poem is mesmerising, Ken. It captured my heart in the very first line and continued tugging at it the whole way through. I wouldn't change a single thing about it. It's perfect just how it is. Great work!


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


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504
504
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* This is a really funny story about a woman who doesn't receive the best treatment in the Emergency Room. I could feel every bit of her pain and frustration as error after error occurred. Firstly, the incorrect name on her wrist band. That kind of thing would really bug me. I would have had to tell the first person I saw. Although, I guess if I was in as much pain as Dorothy, maybe I wouldn't.

*StarV* The way Dorothy is forced to walk to the Imaging Department, clasping her over-sized gown together at the back, hobbling on her damaged ankle, is funny. The hospital has run out of wheelchairs is the explanation given for this. Then, she has to hobble there for a second time when the doctor hasn't written the right information on the form and, because of this, the Imaging person doesn't x-ray her ankle. You would have thought it obvious that was the damaged part of her. Although, there really are a lot of people in the health service who only do exactly what they are told. Thinking outside of the box is impossible to these people. Actually, they aren't just in the health service.

*Starv* I'm not sure where you're from, but I live in England, so we have the NHS. Whilst it's wonderful to have a free health service, it's just about at breaking point at the moment. So, whilst I found this story amusing, it's also very possible it could all happen in our healthcare system. Understaffing, mixed with not enough money to buy the necessary equipment, could easily lead to someone experiencing the things Dorothy does.

*Starv* I love the ending! This is written about the doctor: "As he departed the cubicle, the doctor patted Dorothy's tender ankle, and he jumped when she shrieked." This made me laugh out loud. Again, I can totally see this happening. That's what makes it so funny.


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Parting Comments


This is a really entertaining story, which is well written and engaging at all times. I felt bad for Dorothy, but it was amusing to see the farce as it unfolded. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
505
505
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* Oh, this is so funny! You have been really clever in the way in which you've written this. You make sure the reader's focus is always on the cigarettes and the smoke. You even mention Marie's friend's husband being be to 'quit' after seeing this medical professional. Plus, you show Jim as being lazy and not wanting to have to walk any further than necessary. Then we get to the end, and all is revealed (so to speak).

*StarV* I love the surprise I felt when I reached the end and saw the punchline: "Dr. Anton Fartello. Gastrointestinal Medicine Flatulence Specialist." I laughed when I saw that. It was not what I was expecting at all. I can relate to poor Marie, though. I have a dog who could probably use an appointment with this guy! Knowing where Jim was going, I kind of felt for him a little, as well. It explains his reluctance to get out of the vehicle. I can imagine his embarrassment. I love this line: "No, YOU agreed I’d try. I‘m fine just the way things are." That is such a husband-y thing to say. I swear I've heard it a hundred times before!

*Starv* Our genre to review in today is 'Medical,' which I why I chose this story. I'm so glad this is today's genre. If not, I might never have come across this. It's made a pleasant change to some of the more serious medical essays I've read.


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Parting Comments


What can I say? I love this. I genuinely didn't see the ending coming, so when it did, I found it hilarious. It really appealed to my sense of humour. This is a great story, Winnie. I hope others pick up on it when they search for this genre today.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
506
506
Review of Hello, Kitty!  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* This is a great, funny tale of a woman who just couldn't resist letting that one tuxedo cat into her life! I love how Foxy lifts her paw as if to knock at the door. Then, once inside, Gina falls in love with her and gives her a name almost instantly. That made me chuckle. My best friend loves cats and she would have done exactly the same thing. What really made me laugh here, though, is how Gina acts like it's the most natural thing in the world to adopt this cat who, let's face it, could've belonged to anybody.

*StarV* When Foxy had her litter of thirteen, Gina said, "Only one thing to do. Keep them." I laughed out loud at that skewed sense of logic.

*Starv* The end is hilarious. After weeks of having to deal with naughty kittens, Gina buys Hot Shot, a Huskie who could keep the kittens in check. Except, he and Foxy seem to fall instantly in love, and jump in bed together, ruining Gina's plans. I love this line: "Ohhhh, no! I do not want to see that kind of litter!"


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Suggestions


I would take out the comma in this sentence after rummaging: "evidence of rummaging, visible on my driveway." It doesn't sound right with the comma there. I had to re-read it a few times, to get it straight in my mind.

When Gina's friend visits her, you say the kittens, "nibbled on the milk." I would say the word nibbled relates to food. Maybe, you could say they, "lapped at the milk" instead.

Also, this line doesn't read very smoothly: "Even for her, who loved animals . . . " I don't think it's technically incorrect, but it just sounds a little off. Maybe you could say something like, "Even for my animal-loving friend . . . " instead.

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Parting Comments


I love the humour in this story. It reads as a little outrageous, but I can really imagine it being true. The cats are so cute, and I love the potential romance for Foxy and Hot Shot. You could write more stories about their adventures together. I would love to read those! This is a really entertaining story. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2129600 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


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507
507
Review of Derailed  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* I love your opening line. It's a great hook into the story, as you tell us there's a dead guy at your character's feet, and she's holding some mystery package he handed her before he died. One thing I wasn't sure about is how he died. I know there is blood pooling around him, but if he'd been shot or stabbed, you would think there would be more panic going on around him.

*StarV* I love the sense of panic you create surrounding your character. She is paranoid and sees everyone as a threat, even though she doesn't know what is in the package. This line really highlights her panic: "Now what, now what, now what?!" I could really feel the fear bubbling away in her. She is clearly a brave character, though, as she doesn't let go of the package, not even when the two raincoats try to follow her. I would have just ditched the package, personally.

*Starv* I love the speed at which this story moves. It's all very quick, and it builds up to the dramatic ending, where Catherine is caught and tied to a chair. By this point, we know there are papers with a lot of coding on them inside the brown aper package, but we don't know who Jerry was, or who the raincoats are. I was on the edge of my seat, reading this. Then, you left me hanging! You ended with Catherine, about to be interrogated over something she had no knowledge of. But, you didn't tell us anything more the characters or the papers. You left it all to our imagination, which I actually think is brilliant! Although, I do still want to know what was so dangerous. I think the ending you gave us is perfect, though. It's a great tease.


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Suggestions


A couple of typos I spotted: "we agreed on the near by Subway." Nearby should be one word. Also, you put a period here, instead of a comma: "a gunshot could be heard and. in the next second."

This line doesn't sound quite right: "I found everything but, even an old bubblegum stuck in its old wrapper, just no quarters." I would switch it to, "I found everything, even an old bubblegum stick, but no quarters." That makes more sense.


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Parting Comments


This is a really enjoyable story that kept me hooked the whole way through. I love how you end it without tying up all our questions. I have a few scenarios going through my mind. It's a really good idea for a story and a great take on the prompt you were given. I love it.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
508
508
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* Well. This is an odd story. But, it's written for the Weird Tales Contest, so it fits really well with that genre. When I first started to read, I had no idea where the story would go. I thought the rats would make a break for freedom, biting the scientist and turning him into a giant man-rat. But, instead, you took a much less obvious route, and I really like that.

*StarV* I love the image this story creates of a mad scientist, clipboard in hand, obsessing over his rats and the possibility of immortality. I didn't realise it was his wedding day until quite a way into the story. If I was his bride, I wouldn't have been very happy that he'd chosen to work right up until the wedding. But, Gertrude loved him for all his crazy, intense scientist tendencies.

*Starv* I didn't realise he had actually died until the very end. I thought he had some kind of superpower, or something. I was willing him to turn up at the church and not let his bride down. When we found out he was a ghost I really felt for Gertrude. But, it made me like him a lot more, as he was determined not to let his bride down.


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Suggestions


I spotted this typo: "It was if he ripped himself . . . " You missed out as in between was and if.

Also, at the end, you write, " Her flowers slipped nervously from her fingers . . . " Flowers don't have emotions. They can't feel nervous, and they can't slip nervously. I know you mean Gertrude was nervous and dropped her flowers, but writing this stands out a being wrong. Maybe, you could say something like, "Taking a step back, she let her flowers drop to the floor."


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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this. The humour in it is just right, as are the descriptions of the ghostly scientist and his rats. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2129600 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
509
509
Review of Final Goodbye  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* Oh wow! You have just wrung my heart out with this story. I kind of forgot the title as I began reading, so when Helena became ill with Alzheimer's, it was a shock. And so sad. Building up to that point, though, you tell a beautiful story of love. It's really heartwarming. I love the little things, like Sam's clammy hands when he's waiting at Helena's door for their first date.

*StarV* I think it's clever how you made Helena a neurosurgeon, which made her illness all the more poignant.

*Starv* I love how Helena has this last moment of lucidity, and seeing her recognise Sam to say her final goodbye is so emotional. Especially, when the light in her eyes goes out. I hadn't realised until the very end that Helena was in a care home. It was inevitable, though. One person can't care for someone in the advanced stages of the disease on their own.

*StarV* I had a cousin who died from Alzheimer's when she was just forty-six, so this piece has really touched me. You've done a great job with showing how devastating the illness can be, and yet, also showing how there are brief moments when the person underneath the illness comes through. The part where you mention having trouble swallowing is one of the scariest things to witness.


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Parting Comments


I usually make a few suggestions at this point, but there's not a single thing I would change about this. You tell a whole life story in just over a thousand words, and you break the reader's heart along the way. I really like this, Webbie. It's a beautiful piece of writing.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
510
510
Review of The Closet  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* The title and brief description drew me to this story. The closet is something that can be scary for many children, as it's the second place (after underneath the bed) that childhood monsters lie in wait. So, you did a great job of hooking me. Once in, I had to keep reading to find out what was going on in Laura's closet. Honestly, I'm still not sure. I think it must have been some kind of poltergeist or other monster that got caught in Laura's invention.

*StarV* The way you show Laura as being jumpy and telling her dad she might need him in the night, along with how she hasn't slept in that room for seven years, tells the reader that something bad is about to happen. In the end, I would have liked a little more drama, because the build up is so big, but I don't know whether there was a word limit to this, or not.

*Starv* I love that Laura has spent her time inventing a personal protection system, specifically to protect her from the monster in the closet. That's a nice touch. And it worked! It did catch the monster. I couldn't help but wonder whether anyone else had slept in Laura's room in the last seven years, and whether they saw anything?


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Suggestions


My only suggestions is what I said above. I felt the ending didn't quite live up to the rest of the story. It didn't detract from my enjoyment, though. It's a very entertaining read.

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Parting Comments


As always, your writing is beautiful. I love reading through your work, and this piece did not disappoint. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
511
511
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* I loved reading this story! It's funny, dramatic, and is narrated by a dog. What more could I ask for? I was kind of holding my breath the whole way through because I was worried Buster would end up getting the blame for the fire. But he didn't. He was hailed as the hero. I love the scene at the end, where he gets a scratch behind his ears and tickle on the tummy. I have a black lab who would do anything for the person who promised to tickle him all day long.

*StarV* I love reading stories where animals narrate. It really entertains me. I think you have Buster's thoughts spot on in this story. The way he begrudgingly shares his owners' affections with the cat is brilliant. It's funny when he tries to tell that it was Paddy who started the fire, but complains that his humans never understand him.

*Starv* This is my favourite line: " Her victim was the ferocious milk carton cap which was perched in attack-mode behind the trunk of the lighted tree." I laughed out loud at that part. Also, at the end when you write, "I spotted the four legged arsonist stretched out on the patio table, calmly taking a tongue bath." Then, you go on to say the milk carton top was laying at her feet. Genius!

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Suggestions


It's really hard to find any fault with your writing. It's always polished and wonderfully descriptive. There's just one spot where I'm not sure if there should be a comma or not. As you're the Comma Queen, you probably have it right. "Then my head tilted to one side as I took in the devastation that followed." I wonder if there should be a comma after as because I'm thinking of the FANBOYS acronym. Only, I'm not sure if there is a sub-clause that negates the rule here.

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Parting Comments


This is a really enjoyable story. I love the characters of Buster and Paddy. You have brought them vividly to life. Great work.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
512
512
Review of Waiting Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* This is a beautiful study of a young woman whose partner has been rushed to hospital with an appendicitis. You would think there's not a lot you can write about a waiting room scene, but you have given the reader a wonderful character study, in Jess. I love how you show her anxiety through her knee bobbing and the way she cracks her joints. I kind of cringed just at the thought of this horrible sound. But, it works brilliantly to show us how frightening an experience it is for Jess.

*StarV* The relationship between Mara and Jess is lovely to see. We learn that Jess's own family disowned her when she came out as gay, but Mara (who I assume is Charlotte's mum?) treats Jess as though she's her own child. You show us Jess's fragility, and Mara tends to her by kissing her forehead and petting her hair. It's really sweet.

*Starv* I'm glad, at the end, Charlotte is going to be okay. There was a horrible moment, when Mara mentioned how she would have adopted Jess, that I thought Charlotte was going to die. I'm glad she didn't.


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Suggestions


I spotted a couple of typos: "Mara had such graceful smile." You missed out a in between such and graceful.
Also, "We are going to keep her overnight to check that the infection." That the infection, what? Or did you not mean to include that? That would make sense.

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Parting Comments


This is a cleverly written character study. I really enjoyed reading it. I could feel the anxiety that Jess was feeling, and that's because of how well written this is. It's a great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2129600 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
513
513
Review of Hooked  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked


*Starv* The first thing to say is "Hooked" is a clever title. I assumed it would be a part of the story, like, maybe Cody's belt buckle would get hooked on the bull's horn, or something. But, actually, I think it's about how Cody is hooked on bull riding, even though his wife is clearly unhappy about his injuries.

*StarV* I love your description near the beginning of, "the whisper of the rope dragging." Also, the "cowboy perfume" of "sawdust and livestock" is wonderful. You draw the reader into the story with these descriptions. I was right there with Cody, walking out to the arena. I could smell the sawdust and hear the cacophony of people yelling.

*Starv* This line is great: "The bull snorted once and then strutted around the arena taking a victory lap." It made me laugh out loud. I couldn't help wondering, as I read this, why people do this. It's beyond my comprehension, but maybe that's because I'm English. I don't know.


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Suggestions


I just spotted one typo, near the beginning: "trying to get caged behemoth into position." You missed out the in between get and caged.

I wasn't sure, at the end, where you write, "he said I should follow up with Doc," whether Doc is what he calls the guy, or whether it should be "the Doc."

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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story. I loved your use of all the senses, as a way of pulling the reader inside the story. You really do paint vivid picture. I'm still not sure I understand why people do this, but I very much enjoyed reading this.


Lady Purple, House Stark


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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What I Liked


*Starv* I love your title. That's what first drew me to this story. I was also intrigued by the mention of a forbidden forest, in your brief description.

*StarV* I like your description of Martha's room and the castle. This gives us the impression that Martha is rich. Also, she has her clothes laid out for her, and there will be a ball that evening. I wonder if she's some kind of princess? Although, the Peterson's address her mother as Mrs. France, so maybe not.

*Starv* The mysterious wintery feeling in the forbidden forest, the snow falling, helps to give the impression of a magical setting. This is nicely done.


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Suggestions


My main suggestion is to space this out a bit. Put different people's speech on different lines. It's all a little jumbled, as it is at the moment. It's confusing, trying to figure out who is speaking, sometimes.

At the beginning, you contradict yourself. Martha's mother says, "The Petersons are here," then, she says, "They will arrive any minute."

I'm a little confused by the part where you say, "And this is where our story began," because the story ends pretty soon after, without any story beginning. You could have shown so much happening in the forbidden forest. There's so much possibility, but you haven't used it. I don't know whether you intend to write something more? I hope so because we don't get to see the forbidden forest, after all the build up to it.

The last place to look at is, "How could it be snowing? It's not winter. I just thought...it was the name.' thought Martha. She stepped into the snow and continued walking, faster and faster each time." I can't figure out what you're trying to say here. You switch from the third person, to first, then back again. This would be the perfect place to show us the wonder of the forbidden forest. This would be the place for adventure to occur.

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Parting Comments


This story has potential, but it needs some work. I like your character of Martha, and I like the thought of a forbidden forest. It could be really good, with some work.


Lady Purple, House Stark


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515
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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What I Liked


*Starv* Firstly, I love your title and brief description. It grabbed my interest. As I first read through, I was impressed with the originality of the plot. Personally, I'm terrified of dentists. I don't trust them at all, so I can totally believe this story! The way David is hearing the CIA through his crown is genius.

*StarV* The way David's disbelief is quickly replaced with anger, and then being paralysed is brilliant. His reactions are actually realistic, in an unrealistic setting. He knows there has always been something a little off about his wife.

*Starv* I first realised this story was set in a future world when you said David was born in the year NW56. That's a subtle clue for the reader that this story will be futuristic. That, and the crown that is linked to the CIA and can control Dadid's every action! It's a great plot. I really like it.


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Suggestions


A couple of typos: "Feeling angry, confuse and unwilling." It should be confused.
"I don't hear anymore objections David." "Any more" should be two words here.
At the beginning of the story, you spell David's wife's name Stacy, but at the end you write Stacey.

I have a comment regarding the plot. The whole conversation is about David stopping his wife from passing on information, but you don't say what the CIA want David to do to stop her. He has to meet her for a meal, but how does he know what to do from there? I felt like that's a key part of the story, and it would be great to see David going through the motions, as he's controlled by the CIA. It could be a longer story.

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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story. I would love to read more about it. I would love to see David having no control over his actions. I love the possibilities with this. Great job.


Lady Purple, House Stark


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516
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Review of Graveside visit  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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What I Liked


*Starv*From the very first word, I was hooked with this story. The suspense of what is happening, of why the narrator is never going to see the graveyard again alone, and why he's getting into the stolen car with a guy who's just been in jail, is played out with great skill.

*StarV* I love how you write it as though Robert and Louis are in whatever is happening together. I had no idea Robert was going to kill Louis at the end. That was a surprise, and I loved it. I loved how you tied everything up, giving both men what they were looking for. The character of Ernie, even though he played only a small part, is wonderfully vivid. I love this line: "Ernie, like his tie, was frayed around the edges and slightly out of date."

*Starv* The ending is perfect. We see Robert walking away from Louis's dead body, with gravel crunching under his feet "like bones." This brings the story full circle, as the first thing we see is Robert walking on the crunching gravel. That's nicely done.


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Suggestions


There's just one spot you have a typo: "Ernie Schmidt waved me a hello as I entered the shabby pawn shop, ." You need to take out the comma.


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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this short story. Although it's fairly short, it's packed full with vivid descriptions and really interesting characters. I could have read a lot more from you with this story. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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What I Liked


*Starv* Wow. So few words, and yet you've painted the most vivid picture of this chance encounter. I don't know whether it's a true story or not, but it sounds as though it is. Or, maybe, it's just that your writing is so good it seems real.

*StarV* The young boy's haunting expression, at first, as a reflection in the window stays with the reader, in the same way that it stays with the narrator. Tow lost souls, coming together, for a brief moment. It's a lovely story.

*Starv* What I like the most about this is the cautionary tale of how dangerous intolerance can be. If the narrator hadn't kept quiet about the boy, he could have been in serious trouble. Even though he was innocent. This is a lesson in the importance of tolerance and not being judgemental. A lot of people could learn from it.


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Suggestions


This isn't a suggestion as much as me wanting to know more. I would love to know who the boy was and why he was so scared. I guess, its because of the horrors in his hometown that he was running away from. Of course, if it is a true story, you won't know the answers. But, if not, I'd love to learn more about him. There's something about the frightened look in his eyes that intrigues me and makes me want to know him. But that's because you've done such a great job in writing about him.


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Parting Comments


This story is short and simple, but so powerful. As always, your writing is beautiful. I absolutely love this.


Lady Purple, House Stark


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518
518
Review of Who is She?  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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What I Liked


*Starv* The title, "Who Is She?" runs through the whole story. You do a great job of building up the importance of this woman and what she is about to do. I was gripped the whole way through, waiting to find out what would happen.

*StarV* The approaching thunder and lightning, accompanied by darkened skies, is a great way of showing the reader how important this woman's knowledge and actions are. She knows everything and sees everything, yet no one sees her. I wondered if she was some kind of religious character, but I'm not sure about this.

*Starv* I like the woman's arm hair standing on end as she steps in front of the bus. That whole scene is really vivid. I was on the edge of my seat.


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Suggestions


Whilst being on the edge of my seat, I was a little disappointed in the end. There was such a huge build up to finding out who the woman was, and then at the end, I still didn't know. Maybe I missed something, but it didn't really live up to my expectations. I didn't know if the woman was dead. I didn't know why the bus driver knew who she was. Was she just a mentally ill woman, who was delusional? Or was she some form of god? Not sure.

One thing I noticed you do quite a lot is to switch from the past tense to the present tense. Keep an eye on that because it jolts the reader out of the story, and you want to keep them inside of it.

These are a few typos I spotted: "with the sun beaming in her face." It should be on. "felt her arm hair stand on in." It should be end. "the bus driver exists the bus looking around." It should be exits.

One last thing. You say she sees the pigeon one hundred feet about her. That's a long way up!

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Parting Comments


I enjoyed reading this. You have some nice description in here. I could see what the woman saw as she awoke and walked to her destiny. I was just a little disappointed with the end. Some further explanation would be good. Something 'bigger' happening to her.

Lady Purple, House Stark


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519
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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What I Liked


*Starv* I was drawn to this story by your title. When I read the prompt at the top of the page, I was intrigued. As I started to read, I had to find out who was in Marci's house, and why they were there. Would they hurt her, or would it be someone she was happy to see? I had no idea, and I loved the way you showed Marci checking, room by room, to find out who was cooking the delicious meatloaf.

*StarV* I love Brenda's character. She's brilliantly unhinged, with just enough lucidity to make her a scary person to be lying naked in Marci's bed. I love how she thinks it's perfectly normal for her to cook an anniversary dinner for Marci. After all, it's six months since their first date (never mind the fact that it's five months since they broke up).

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Suggestions


There are times when you describe what happens in a matter-of-fact, linear way. It's like you explain everything movement of the character, every thing she sees. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It gives the reader a lot of information. But, it means you're telling a story. You're not putting the reader inside the story. You're saying, this happened, then this. Look and watch. Rather than, experience it. For example, this line: "Marci walked around the table, turned, and stopped just before she reached the bathroom. She did a quick peek inside. No one was there." If you said something more like this: "Marci's heart raced as she approached the bathroom door. The handle felt cool against her hot hand. She held her breath as she threw the door open, but no one was inside."

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Parting Comments


This is a good story. It intrigued me and I thought you wrote Brenda's character brilliantly.

Lady Purple, House Stark


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520
520
Review of Unlucky Seven  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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What I Liked


*Starv* The plot is fantastic! I love the ending. Even when Harold got shot, I didn't realise that it was his 'dead' wife who was behind everything. What an evil character she is! I love her.

*StarV* Your characters are great. Harold, at the beginning, is shown as being so unfeeling and controlling. The way he holds out his hand and clicks his fingers, for Corinne to give him the necklace, is brilliant. That small act shows us so much about him. It also makes the ending so much more unexpected, when Regina kills him. The physical description of Corinne is great. I pictured her in a figure-hugging dress, with her blonde curls. Kind of Marilyn Monroe style.

*Starv* The necklace is a clever way of giving the reader subtle clues about what's happening. The necklace was supposedly stolen when his wife was murdered, and yet here it is, being delivered to Corinne. Love it!



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Suggestions


This is only a minor point. This line kind of confused me at first: "She offered me seven hundred thou to make you believe I'd offed her." At first, I thought thou was a typo, but I realise now you mean it as being short for thousand (I think). It seems obvious now, but I was reading it like a biblical commandment kind of thou. Maybe it's just me.

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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed this story. You create a great amount of suspense, and the storyline is clever and unexpected. It's a great job.


Lady Purple, House Stark


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521
Review of Blue Coma  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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What I Liked


*Starv* The suspense in this is excellent. I tried so hard to figure out what was going on and, I have to say, I didn't get it right.

*StarV* I like that you've written this with so many thoughts going through the mind of the baby boy who is being born. I couldn't understand how the narrator could tell there were people outside of the 'vehicle' it was in. I had a note to question how they could see through an ambulance door. But, when I got to the end, everything was explained. I love the ending, by the way! You leave it right until the very last line to reveal the narrator is a baby being born. I would never have guessed that.

*Starv* The originality of this short story is great. It really is different to anything else I've ever read. It's not a subject that's tackled very much in writing, and nobody really knows what the experience of being born is like, but I think this is probably quite close to how it feels. Apart from the coherent thought, of course.



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Suggestions


I have a few suggestions, and they're all grammatical. The first thing is to watch your tenses. There are a few times where you switch from the present to the past tense. For example, "I seemed only to remember bright lights . . . " Then, straight after this you write, "I can not tell where or when."

My other points are more specific. "I seen to be getting . . . " It should be seem. Also, "last time I dosed off." It should be dozed. "Perhaps they have me medicated, tes . . . " I'm not sure what you mean here.


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Parting Comments


I enjoyed this unique story. I think you've done a great job of writing something unique, and it's a great mystery!


Lady Purple, House Stark


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Review of Sharp Edges  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lydia Author Icon

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Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: On my first read through of this poem, it really affected me. I found it sad, and it tugged at my heartstrings. It is simple and brief, yet so powerful at the same time.

Voice/Tone: You've written this poem in the third person. I find this interesting because I have a feeling it's written about your own experiences. Sometimes, it's easier to depersonalise it a little, though. It certainly works in the third person. The desperation the subject feels is well defined. It sounds as though they are tired of fighting every day to make it through, and the anxiety and fear they feel runs through the entirety of the poem. The hatred towards those who don't notice their pain, those who laugh and make it worse, is huge. She wants to obliterate them; to obliterate everything. Which makes me so sad. I can relate to that sentiment. I can relate to this poem.The subject just wants people to understand her and see her soul, which she will bare by ripping herself open. It's powerful stuff.

Mechanics: This poem is cleverly written in free verse. I usually don't like as much repetition as you have used (with the word one), but I think it really works here. It emphasises the hurt and pain. I think it's interesting how you include throwing rocks at both other people and yourself. Also, at your fear. The thing that is slowly killing you.

My Favourite Part: I love the end. "So the sharp edges / Tear her open." It feels like the pain will be a brief release of the mental pain that is constant. Also, by tearing yourself open, people will finally see how much pain you're in. I like that metaphor.

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to try writing it in the first person. As an experiment. You may find it helps you channel even more emotion to put into it.

This is a great, little poem. I really like it. It's different to any others I've read, and I think you've done a great job of capturing the feelings of pain and despair in just a few words.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Summer Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhoswen - Relentless Victory Author Icon

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*Sun* I was drawn to this poem by your brief description. Smells can be so evocative, and I was interested to read about your memories.

*Sun* As I first read through, I was surprised to find myself welling up. The verse that begins, "I close my eyes and picture Daddy," really affected me. It's such a tender portrait of a "simpler time," as you say in the last verse. Your memories of your mama and daddy are so vivid. I could picture the scene, while at the same time, remembering my own parents. Yes. I actually have tears in my eyes.

*Sun* I think it's clever how you use the comparison of the present as being, "a world with very little green." I can relate to that feeling. It's such a great description. I also love how you mention the smells of cut grass and wild onions. Living in rural England, I know those smells well, and they remind me of the happy parts of my childhood. Maybe that's why I feel so emotional. I don't usually react like this. Honestly!

In summary, I absolutely love this poem. I think it's evocative of simpler, happy times, and that's something I'm finding really emotional. What's more, this poem is really well written. It's a pleasure to read. I love it!

Choconut

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Review of A Day To Remember  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Sun* As I first read through, I really enjoyed the storyline. It's a great tale of how it pays to take the time and put in some effort occasionally.

*Sun* I really like the character of Sophie. She is playful and has a determination that is admirable. I love her relationship with Josh, and I was rooting for them to get together. I'm happy they finally did, at the end. Christine is an interesting character. I would have liked to see some more development of her. For example, why did she hate Sophie so much? It can't be because she was lazy, when all of the other students left everything to Christine. It wasn't just Sophie. At the end, you show us Christine's "sour face," which I was glad you did. But, I would have loved to see more of a reaction from her. Some kind of tantrum. I think there's a lot you could have done with that character. Surely, she would have had something to say about Josh's bursary. Often, it's the "bad" characters who are most intriguing. Also, what was the significance of her cancelled trip to the U.S.?

*Sun* My favourite part is at the end. "Was it possible to like someone but not actually realise it? When Josh finally pulled away, Sophie decided it definitely was." This made me smile. I really like it.

*Sun* One thing I would take out is the word definitely that comes in the line immediately after the above: "This was definitely going to be a . . . " The two definitelys are in a space of five words, and it stands out and jolts the reader out of the story.

In summary, I really like your story. I think it's a cute romance between two school kids, and has a good message at its core. Great job!

Choconut

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Review of A seashore story  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Deepika Dinesh Author Icon

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. Summer Fun Raid Review.


*Sun* This story is both sad and uplifting at the same time. As I first read through, I felt sorry for Monu. For being teased at school, for not having his weekends to play with his friends, for having no money. It's a story that tugged at my heartstrings. Then, at the end, there is that last sentence, and it completely changed the way I felt: "A mother's smile cures all ailments." That's a great way to end the story. Showing us that, although Monu is poor in monetary terms, he is rich in love.

*Sun* I really like your style of writing. It's natural, and you have a wonderful way of showing the reader the landscape of the story. I felt I was right there on the beach. I love, "Brushing his teeth with a mango leaf of a nearby tree . . . " That description leapt out at me. It's a lovely detail.

*Sun* I have a couple of minor things I would change. The first is where you describe Monu's "tiny little eyes." The words tiny and little have the same meaning as each other, so there is no need to use both of them. Also, when you say, "He could almost observe the juxtaposition every time he handed over a kite to another kid . . . " I wouldn't use the word almost. Something I've learned on this site is that almost is a bad adverb to use. What I mean is, if Monu could almost see the juxtaposition, then he couldn't see it. So, why mention it? In a story from his point of view, this juxtaposition wouldn't exist. Does that make sense?

In summary, I really like this story. I love your style. You have a natural way of writing that really appeals to me. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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