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2,188 Public Reviews Given
2,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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526
526
Review of Desert Storm  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Cody Wayne Author Icon

I am writing this review as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

*Starv* This is a beautiful description of a rainfall in the desert. I love the "greenish tint" that the sky developed after the rain finished, and how everything grew a little colder. My husband is from Arizona, and this description reminds me of the many times he's told me how much he misses desert rain (we live in England, and it's just not the same).

*Starv* One thing to watch is your tenses. You switch between the past and present tenses a little. For example, "The loud rumblings started ever so softly and ending like a cannon shot." You either need to take out and, and add a comma. Or, you could change ending to ended. As it is, it doesn't make sense, though.

*Starv* I really like the picture you paint. It's vivid and realistic. I can see it all. I really like it. What I'm not sure about is whether it's part of a larger piece, or should it stand on its own? I note you describe it as an essay, so I wonder if there are more essays that go together with it? Just wondering.

I really like this. It's clear you are a talented writer, and I am look forward to seeing where you go next.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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527
527
Review of Charming  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Kate Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E].

My first thoughts: As I first read this, the first thing I noticed was how tightly packed in it all is. It's one long paragraph, with lots of long sentences, and this makes it quite difficult to read. I can see the elements needed to make an interesting story. Shy girl falls for shy guy. That can be interesting. I am intrigued to see where it goes.

Plot: The plot is a shy girl meeting a shy guy. That's really as far as it goes. But, at the same time, a whole whirlwind of events and days spent together happen within one paragraph. I think you need to open it up. Think about what events are important, and write decent sized chunks of narrative about those events. Turn it into an actual story. Because that could be really good.

Characters: A lot of characters are mentioned, but the main ones are the narrator and Charming. The description says they are shy. If you do write more about this, it would be good to show us how shy they are. Little things like being unable to make eye contact, giggling nervously. Little clues as to their personalities.

Grammar: This isn't bad. You have a tendency to throw in capital letters where they're not needed. Also, your sentences are run-on. You need to break them up a little. For example, "Last year he bought a house with his brother after he had moved in being the crazy person I am bought him a dining room table for his house, my family lent him some chairs for his house and I was baking/cooking food for him." I had to read this a few times to understand what you meant. If you put a period after, "moved in," it would read more smoothly.

What I liked: I like the story. It has a lot of potential. It could go on to be a really cute love story. I also like the narrator. Her enthusiasm and positivity shines through.

Suggestions: I don't get why the narrator calls the guy Charming, when everyone else has a name. If this was a diary entry, I could understand the girl might use a nickname. But it doesn't make sense here.

I enjoyed reading this. I would be interested to read the next instalment.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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528
528
Review of Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Geomancer Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I really like this poem. That is what went through my mind as I first read this. I like the sentiment, the simplicity in its images, and I love the contemplative tone. It's a poem I could relate to. I think, probably, most people can.

Voice/Tone: As I stated above, the tone is thoughtful. You speak as one who is wise, looking back at how you came to be where you are. Looking back at how you've changed and how you've stayed the same, also. I love the first verse. That idea of wanting to be anonymous as a child tugs at my heart. Most children want to be famous. Shows like 'The X Factor' drip-feed the seeds of fame into most of the children today. So, your wanting to be anonymous intrigued me. Because that's how I felt, too. I like how you move on to discuss your own strength and how you learned that you have something to say. The conflict between wanting to be heard and wanting to be hidden is intriguing. There is also a kind of religious feeling in the second and third verses. Jesus walked among us, in disguise, teaching people how to be good people. At least, I think I'm right about that. (I'm afraid, I'm not religious, so I'm not entirely sure about that.)

Mechanics: This poem is free verse. It comprises four verses of four lines. There is a natural rhythm which helps the poem to move along at a great pace.

My Favourite Part: I love the last two lines: "I want to make my name now / but some part of me wants to be forever anon." You don't resolve the inner conflict by the end of the poem, and I like that. This is who you are, and I think it's something a lot of writers struggle with.

Suggestions: These lines don't make sense: "How can someone be so wise / Walked on earth in disguise." I understand what you're saying, but it reads as though something is missing, and this pulls the reader out of the poem momentarily.

This is an interesting poem, and I enjoyed reading it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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529
529
Review of Out Of the Woods  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jenny Links Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E].

My first thoughts: This is a great beginning for a longer story. I was hooked straight away, by the fact that the police precinct uses supernaturals alongside humans. Through the whole story, you build the suspense really well. The result is a reader who was on the edge of her seat, waiting for the bad thing to happen.

Plot: A town with supernaturals, living alongside humans. Emma is secretly in love with Jake, a werewolf. Jake is secretly in love with Emma. Something has to happen between those two. Emma has a frightening supernatural occurrence in her home and is saved by Jake, who offers her his spare room. The next morning, a mystery supernatural creature brutally murders a woman . . . who looks just like Emma. This is a great twist. It left me wanting to read more, which is exactly what you were looking for. It's a clever plot, and I'm interested to know where you will take it.

Characters: Emma and Jake. I wasn't sure, all through the first narrative of Emma, whether Jake would turn out to be the evil force. He seems like a really nice guy, but I just wasn't sure. Then, when I read his narrative, I changed my mind. He loves Emma, and she him.

Grammar: There are a few instances of tense changing in here. For example, you say, "This is what I loved about him." Then, "He never pushes you or forces you . . . " You switch from past to present tense a few times throughout the story. Just watch out for that, as it pulls the reader out of the story a little.

What I liked: The story and its uniqueness. I love the mystery. The suspense is great. I also really like the description of Jake's spare room when Emma wakes in the morning. "Bright rays of sunlight poured in through the blinds, creating little bars of light on the hardwood floor. Dust particles danced in the beams." It gives the reader warm and safe feeling.

Suggestions: Just a couple of points. I appreciate you're writing in the first person, but you start a lot of sentences with I. For example, "I pulled up in front of East Hollow Police department," "I took a deep breath . . . " "I flopped down . . . " Try to find other ways of wording it. By saying, "I did/saw/felt, etc." you're in storytelling mode. By doing this, you're creating a barrier between the reader and the story. We are reminded constantly it's a story. Instead, try saying something like, "The East Hollow Police Department loomed in front of me, with its glass windows reflecting the pale sunlight." Something like that, anyway. Something more immersive.

The other thing is adverbs. You use a lot and, almost always, they aren't necessary. It's better to find the right, strong verb, rather than a weaker verb, plus an adverb. So, for example, where you write, "I gently took the luggage and followed his instructions." I'm not sure why you said gently. It doesn't add anything to the sentence. In fact, it makes it stand out because it doesn't really make sense.

My suggestions are purely meant to be helpful. I really enjoyed reading this. You have created a great story that held my interest the whole way through. It's a great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Bubblegum Jones Author Icon

This is a fab idea! I've never seen anything like this before. This review is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. Here is my little story:

Once upon a time there was a black labrador named Alfie. Everyday, he tugged at his lead, leaping and prancing, sniffing yucky smells along the way. One day, he yanked his lead so hard, he came loose, breaking free. Turning to look at his mum with a smile on his face, he woofed and ran off into the woods. Because of that, his mum had to run after him. Her face grew red, and she huffed and puffed. Until finally, she found him, quivering; pressing himself against a tree. When she looked to see what had caused such fear, a small, brown mouse sat in a patch of ferns; head cocked, watching the dog. Alfie stretched his neck, for his mum to replace the lead, and stuck close to her legs for the rest of his walk.


Keep up the great work!

Rachel

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531
531
Review of My Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jay O'Toole Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I love reading your poetry, Jay. It has such a natural warmth. It reads as though you have simply touched your pen to the paper, and it's written itself. So I was interested to read this poem which describes the significance of poetry to you, and to the rest of the world. As I first read through, I was really impressed with how you mention each of the senses. I love this because I know exactly what you mean. Poetry that you like fills every one of your senses. It can fill a whole room.

*Starv* Mechanics: This poem has five quatrains, all with an abab rhyme scheme throughout. This helps the poem to zip along at a great pace, and it also makes it sound almost like a song. There is a natural rhythm, which sounds especially good when you read this aloud. You are definitely the master of structured poetry. I admire this because I know how hard it can be to write (for me, anyway).

*Starv* My Favourite Part: I love the final two lines: "Companionship is greatest gift, / a friend, who ne'er betrays." That's exactly what poetry is. It makes me think of how I turned to poetry for comfort after my Dad died. It helped so much, to know there was someone out there who had felt the things I was feeling. Poetry was my best friend, and I always turn to my favourite poems at critical times now.

*Starv* Suggestions: There was just one line I felt didn't quite sound right. "and has for many of my days." It feels like it has too many syllables, or maybe the stresses aren't quite right. I tripped over the line on my first read through. Now I understand how to read it, it sounds fine, though.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: I love this poem. I love your natural style. I feel like I've told you more about me in this review, than I have actually reviewed your poem. But I want to tell you I really do love it. One last thing I want to share with you. My Mum wrote poetry. She wrote structured, rhyming poetry, and your style reminds me a lot of hers. I always think of her when I read your poetry, and that's a wonderful feeling. So, thank you. I love your work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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532
532
Review of White Leaves  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angel Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: I wanted to review another of your items this month because I really like your writing. I appreciate you wrote this almost a year ago, but the title intrigued me. Then, as I began reading, I couldn't tear myself away. I was hooked immediately by the snarky relationship between Jill and Ted. My first instinct was to feel bad for Ted. I changed my opinion, however, and was so happy when Jill murdered Ted at the end. I really enjoyed this story.

*Starv* Plot: Jill and Ted. A thoroughly unlikeable couple have moved house. Jill has some kind of hold over Ted, something about an accident. (I would love to know a little more about that.) The reason for moving house, it transpires, is so Ted can poison Jill until she dies. I love this idea. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't love it as a lifestyle choice for me! But I love the concept for a story. I love how Jill slowly lost her senses, mental and physical. She displayed symptoms of mental illness, losing her grip on reality and suffering delusions and paranoia. Ted thought the new neighbours would just assume she was ill. What he didn't bank on was Jill becoming violent and attacking him with a pair of scissors.

I love how the image of white flowers runs through the story. These flowers seem to be where Jill's madness began. She believed they spoke to her, and that they still were at the new house. She also thought bees and butterflies had the ability to whisper things to her. I thought the whiteness of the flowers was interesting. I'm not sure if they signified death, or purity? Or maybe I'm trying to read too much into this.

*Starv* Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: This is all really good. There were a couple of places where you forgot to place a full stop at the end of dialogues, but that's all.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "Jill sat back down on the sofa and Ted handed her a drink, energy drinks she’d recently begun to enjoy; an unusual drink for her as she wasn’t keen on fizzy drinks, but these just hit the spot." This is the point where the reader understands that Ted is evil. I had a kind of tingle inside when I read this part. I also loved the end, when Ted has been murdered, and Jill gets better. Brilliant!

*Starv* Suggestions: Again, I appreciate you wrote this a while ago, and I know you've been changing this. But you have written in the passive tense a little. I would change that.

*Starv* Final thoughts: I love this story. Absolutely love it! In particular, I love that Ted got exactly what he deserved. Justice was served. It's a great little story!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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533
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Review of The Librarian  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon

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I chose to review this story because it is on the list of item's for today's LGBT Power Raid.

The first thing I want to say is congratulations on your promotion to yellow case! I'm not in the least bit surprised about it.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* As I first read through, you hooked me at the start with the lovely relationship between Jess and Imran, and kept me interested the whole way through. I wanted to see whether Alice would agree to go out with Jess. When she refused, I couldn't wait to see if Jess would hook up with Alice's sister.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* The characters in this story are so well written. I love Jess and Imran. Their friendship is shown as really intimate and loving. For example, when he ruffles her hair. It's kind of a brother-sister thing. Jess is slightly shy, and I was really rooting for her when she asked Alice out. I was sure she would say yes. But, then you added a clever twist. Alice is straight. Her twin sister, however, not so much. I love it. I found myself hoping the two of them would hit it off. I cared about the characters because you have written them so well.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* I love the humour in this story. I found myself chuckling all the way through. I've found it hard to pin down one line as my favourite, as the whole story is great, but this line made me laugh out loud: "I'm a Paleolithic specialist. If cavemen hadn't got jiggy with it, we wouldn't be sitting here today talking about your hot girlfriend." So funny.

I love this story, Bob. It's a perfect example of why you got your yellow promotion. You are a really talented writer, and this story is a great example of that.

Choconut

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Review of Surprise Party  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This is your last review as part of your winning auction package. Whilst I love your poetry, I thought it would be good to read some of your prose, as well.

My first thoughts: This story took me in a completely different direction to the one I expected. Your genre and brief description give nothing away, so the end is a clever surprise when it comes. I really enjoyed reading this.

Plot: You hooked me right from the start, with the surprise party. "It’s been a tough year, loosing Kate and all." This line grabbed my interest, and made me eager to learn what had happened to Kate. At the beginning, I thought Alice was Bill's wife and Ted was having an affair, but I got that wrong. She was Kate's best friend, though.

I love the mystery of the face in the photograph on the phone, then the missing memory card. I found myself desperate to know where it had gone. I wanted to find out whether Kate was really there. I was also waiting for a romantic reunion with Ted. That didn't quite happen! But, actually, it turned out much better than that.

Characters: This is a short story, so there is not much room for masses of characterisation. The person we learn most about is Kate, the dead wife of the main character. She is one vengeful ghost! I can understand why she would be unhappy that her husband and best friend have got it on, but she is mean. At the end, I'm not sure whether she frightens him so much he will never go near Alice again, or whether she kills him. Either way, it's really well written. The reveal is the exact opposite of what the reader expects.

Grammar: Just two tiny errors: "I hope you’re happy where ever you are." Wherever should be one word. Also, "It’s been a tough year, loosing Kate and all." It should be losing.

What I liked: The twist! It's unique and creative and comes as a surprise. I guess that is the real surprise of the surprise party. Nicely done.

This is a really enjoyable read. It hooks the reader at the start and keeps them right inside the story until the end. And the twist . . . well, you know I love it! It would appear your prose is every bit as good as your poetry.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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535
535
Review of Wake Up!  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. This is the second review of your winning package in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a passionate, powerful piece of writing. The points you make are all true, even though certain people choose to deny them. This is a subject I feel strongly about, and I love how you have highlighted the plight of climate change and humans' abuse of the natural world. I love the two verses that inform the reader of the effects of our actions. They are informative as well as poetic.

Voice/Tone: The tone is matter of fact. It reads like a plea to the people who could actually make a difference, whilst at the same time knowing it is useless to try to get them to change. After all, they make more money if climate change is all a big lie. I say the tone is matter of fact, but it's also passionate. I can hear the anger bubbling away beneath the surface.

Mechanics: There are five quatrains, all with an aabb rhyme scheme. They read so fluidly. It's like a monologue. It feels like you are speaking directly to the person who has a fondness for tweeting. (By the way, is that because he can only form sentences with 140 characters or fewer? Anything more is too complicated?)

Rhythm: Perfect. There is a natural rhythm that is so appealing. It makes the poem easy to read. Indeed, it actually reminds the reader just how much of an outrage this is.

My Favourite Part: "Don’t hide your head in sands of lies." This line is fantastic! It's a beautiful metaphor, used to describe an ugly personality. Really clever. The whole poem, though, is wonderful. I LOVE your last line: "The Earth needs help, not an F-ing tweet!" That is a perfect end to this poem.

I absolutely love this poem. It's beautifully written and so accurate with its sentiment. I love it. Just love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Unforgiven  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the first review of your package in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and that any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: My first thoughts as I read this poem were how wonderfully dark and rich the narrative is. It's so easy to get lost in your words, and there's so much to take in. I love it. I think your take on the prompt is creative, and I actually found this a little bit creepy. I love the line, "My spirit cannot find release." This feeling of being trapped underground forever, unable to change your past, present, or future. It's quite claustrophobic. But it's brilliant!

Voice/Tone: The tone is dark. Words like pain, trapped, hell, inflicted all compound the feeling of claustrophobia and being stuck. The narrator seems to be suffering because of the sins of his earthly life. We don't know what these are, but we can imagine (which is good).

Mechanics: There are eight quatrains, all with an abab rhyme scheme. This makes the poem flow beautifully. I love your use of enjambment. This is a great way to make the lines run into one another. It all kind of moulds into one. Does that make sense?

Rhythm: On the whole, the rhythm is great, making the poem read really smoothly. There are a couple of places I felt it could maybe read a little smoother. "my conscience no longer fallow." The stresses don't seem quite right here. Or maybe there is a syllable too many. It's just a little off. Similarly, this line seemed a little off: "or will we remain less than whole."

My Favourite Part: I love the whole poem. I love the way it flows like black treacle, suffocating and thick. I love these lines: "My spirit cannot find release / though flesh and bones now melt away." Later in the poem, you say that your soul is all that remains, compounding this idea of the soul being left behind, stuck in the earth and suffering forever.

Suggestions: I spotted one typo (I think). "Are we no more that tiny grains." Should it be than? I also would make a tiny change to this line: "that I once caused without regret." I would switch the I and once around, so it says, "that once I caused without regret." To me, that reads a little more smoothly. But It's up to you.

I really love this poem. My suggestions are all tiny points, and it reads really well as it is. I love its darkness and the way it feels when I read it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Subtlety  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Angel Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: This is such a sad story. You do a fantastic job of making the reader feel for Lisa. Right from the start, I had a feeling this story was going in the nasty direction it does, but when I got to the part that reads, "One evening, a couple of months after her eleventh birthday . . . " I went cold. I knew I was right about the story. It really resonated with me. It's incredibly powerful. You have treated the subject matter in a sensitive and caring manner, and I love the theme of subtlety and how, often, child abuse is a gradual process. Grooming is an important phase for most paedophiles. Wow. Very powerful.

*Starv* Plot: This is the story of Lisa, a young girl whose mother dies from falling down the stairs and breaking her neck. (Did she fall, or was she pushed?) So her stepfather takes over her care. He moves her out to a house in the middle of nowhere and gradually introduces her to new chores she must do. The way you show her acceptance, as it becomes a way of life is so sad. But, unfortunately, so real.

*Starv* Setting: There isn't a great deal of description of the setting. We knows the house is secluded, and that Graham builds and annexe and a tiny chapel. It might be nice to include a little more description with regards to smells and taste. A little more use of all five sense, which would immerse the reader even more in the story.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: It's hard to say this is my favourite part, but it's the part that brought a lump to my throat. "it was not always Graham who left her side in the mornings as she stared into the eyes of her Teddy Bear." The teddy bear is a clever way of reminding the reader how young the girl is. It's a stark ending to a tragic story, and it really moved me. I also love the part where Lisa is questioning if she could have saved her mum if she stayed home from from school, and you say, "it was the illogically broken mind of a seven-year-old." Again, that is such a powerful image.

*Starv* Suggestions: On the whole, you tend to write in the passive tense. There are a lot of was-es and weres. This has the effect of keeping the reader at a bit of a distance, rather than pulling them inside it with you. For example, "A man would come and take the service, Lisa was never sure who he was and they weren’t the services she remembered from when she was small." This is storytelling. However, if you said something like this, the reader is more inside the story. I think. "Inside the tiny chapel, Lisa shivered. The wooden pews felt rough through her cotton dress. The man with the fake vicar's robe, who always smelled of tobacco and yucky aftershave, didn't perform ceremonies like the ones she remembered from her former life." It's just a suggestion.

*Starv* Final thoughts: This is powerful and, despite what I just said above, you have done a great job of engaging the reader and making them have sympathy for Lisa. It's a sad story, and it made me go through a lot of emotions. Anger and sadness are the main two. I love how you highlight the issue of child abuse, and how you show how children become conditioned to think their treatment is normal, is what they deserve. It's a really great story!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kerrimiller

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Oh my. I couldn't help but feel sad for the dragons as I first read through. You write beautifully, and the subject of global warming and natural disasters is really timely, even though your poem took places millions of years ago. You do a great job of making the reader imagine the dragons, fleeing their homes in desperation. It makes me feel so sad because it really is happening around the world. Not with dragons, obviously. But polar bears, for example. Other species, too.

*Starv* Mechanics: This is an Interlocking Rubyait. I love this form, and this poem is a fantastic example of one. You have the rhymes just right and, on the whole, the rhythm works well. There is one place I stumbled over at first: "statues symbolizing winds blown." The use of symbolizing felt like it had too many syllables, or maybe the stresses weren't quite right. That said, now I have read it a few times, it sounds okay. But I did stumble over it at first.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "Breeze interrupts destined lifetimes." I love this! Climate change alters the course of history. Creatures who should have had millions of years ahead of them are becoming extinct. All because of humankind. It's a sobering thought. I guess, when dinosaurs became extinct, you couldn't exactly blame humans. So maybe the dragons weren't down to us either.

I'm also in love with the line: "as dragons exploit their last plight." I love your use of assonance and consonance with exploit and plight. This produces a wonderful sound, especially when you read this aloud.

*Starv* Suggestions: I'm not sure about this line: "egg held by dragons overthrown." I'm not sure I understand it, I'm afraid. But it may just be me! Should it be eggs (plural)? If not, what egg do you mean? Is it like a throne, or something? Or do I have this completely wrong? (It's possible!)

*Starv* Final Thoughts: This is a wonderful poem, Kerri. It's smooth and light and a perfect example of an Interlocking Rubyait. I can't express how much I feel sad for the dragons you write about. It's a great poem!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *Heart*

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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Starmic Suebear Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This review is part of "a very Wodehouse challenge" Open in new Window..

My first thoughts: This is an interesting story. As I first read through, I wondered if it is a part of a longer story, but by the end, I realised it is a stand alone.

Plot: This is the story of three men who are aboard a ship, heading to an island. Two of the men, however, end up swimming there. There is an angel baby called Daniel who two of the men want to save from the third, Babenlo. I believe that is the plot. What I'm not sure about is why they are all on the ship and why there is a baby angel they must save. You didn't really give any background information to the story or the characters.

Characters: I found the characters confusing. When Alexander first appeared, there was no introduction, you just wrote, "Alexander had Babenlo in his mind’s eye . . . " I was like: Who is Alexander? Similarly, "Vaz noticed Babenlo walk to a spot beside the railing . . . " This is the first mention of Vaz. You don't explain who any of them are and it's all rather confusing.

What I liked: This is my favourite line: "'As expected,' he thought. The man walks with devils." That's a great way of keeping your reader interested. I wanted to know who Babenlo was and what kind of dark magic he practised. I also love the glimpses of magic and demon detection you show. These bring the narrative alive.

Suggestions: This is an interesting idea for a story. If you worked on showing the reader more of the surroundings and characters, it could be really good. Little things, like, "To all appearances, Babenlo had moved along to his cushy private room." The word cushy tells the reader very little. If you wrote something like, "Babenlo's private room had a king size bed with Egyptian cotton sheets. The walls had been painted blue to match the view of the sea from the large porthole." This gives the reader something to connect with and hold onto.

The other point is the ending was a little disappointing. I was geared up for some big fight scene, maybe some magic spells. But, instead, it kind of fizzled out with the words, "Babenlo died." I would work on this. It is the climax of your story.

I enjoyed reading this, but I feel it could be so much better if you put some time into creating the setting and developing the characters. Take your time to write a longer piece, show the reader some magic. It could be really good if you did this.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. This review is part of "a very Wodehouse challenge" Open in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: This is a wonderfully dark poem, with lots of great metaphors and descriptions. As I first read through, I I found it beautiful. I've read it a lot of times now, and each time, there is something new to take from it. It's wonderful.

Voice/Tone: The tone is dark and formal. I love the way your words wash over me and soak into my skin. That's the only way I can describe it. It is so, so beautiful, and it feels feminine because of the words you use, like maiden, mother, birth, venus. It's very clever how you have used these words throughout.

Mechanics: There are four quatrains, with an abcb rhyme scheme through each. This helps the poem to read smoothly. Your rhythm is spot on. It feels very natural.

My Favourite Part: The last two lines are fabulous! "She is the dark feminine yin, / She is Gaia's incarnation." These lines sum up the whole of the poem. The tone remains dark, but I feel like it's a sparkling kind of dark. I don't know if that makes sense?

Suggestions: Only one small typo: "To some she the goddess Venus." ~ I think it should be "she's the goddess Venus."

I absolutely love this poem. It really speaks to me. I love how you have interpreted the prompt for the contest, as well. It's creative and unique. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I chose to review this short story because it was on the list of Disney/Fan fiction items for today's Power Raid.

Please take anything you find useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest.

*StarV* As I first read through, I wondered where the story of Cinderella was going to take me. I knew it would be different to the original, but I didn't guess where I would end up. I must say, I really enjoyed reading this. It's one of those stories that has the reader laughing out loud a lot. I think this is an incredibly clever and unique take on the whole fairy tales genre. I love how Prince Charming gets his comeuppance at the end. That was genius.

*Starv* On the whole, you have used a lot of hyphens throughout this story. The first thing I would say is most of them should be em dashes ( — ), not hyphens. Also, these punctuation marks should really be used sparingly. A lot of the places you used them, commas or periods would be more suitable. This is an example: "You should have seen them when their new kitchen duties were announced- if their jaws had dropped any lower . . . " I would use a period here, rather than a hyphen.

*StarV* These are a few places I would change:

" 'I’m he luckiest girl in the world,' she thought." ~ It should be the.

"The said Prince Charming was also in his quarters," ~ Whilst this does make sense, it doesn't read smoothly, and it tripped me up on my first read. I would just say, "Prince Charming was in . . . "

"That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all say- dude" ~ This really confused me. Should it be day instead of say? If so, it should be a comma before dude, not a hyphen.

"You godmother will have our heads." ~ It should be your.

"Cinderella laughed and blushed prettily." ~ I'm just not sure how a person blushes prettily. "Her face turned pink" might fit better?

*Starv* These are my favourite parts. In general, I love the humour. The whole piece is funny. I love how you include four fairy tales in one. It had me smiling and chuckling the whole way through. I love that Prince Charming is a womaniser, with (at least) three previous wives. Wench magazine made me laugh! Also, the fact that Sleeping Beauty has had some plastic surgery done. That's brilliant. So funny.

I enjoyed reading this story. It's amusing and entertaining. I think you took an old idea and injected something new into it. Great job!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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I chose to review this chapter because it is listed on the items to review in today's Fan fiction/Disney Raid.

Please take anything you find useful from this review and feel free to disregard the rest.

*StarV* I was drawn to this piece because I am a huge Scooby Doo fan. In fact, my own dog (who is a black lab) speaks with the exact same voice of Scooby. Truly. As I began reading, I was super impressed with the details you included at the beginning of the story. The part where the gang are in the theatre audience is fantastic. You describe all the characters so well that it doesn't matter whether you've ever seen Scooby Doo, you can see them perfectly.

*Starv* For me, this is a story with two parts. The prose, I love. I think you have real talent. The whole thriller part, I'm afraid I wasn't keen on. Sorry. I appreciate you have written it to fit with the song and the movements from the video, but it comes across as bitty, and I found it hard to follow the action. There was too much going on. I also didn't really like the script form you switch to to tell this. I know why you did it, but for something so visual, you need to paint the picture for others. It was clear you could see it in our own mind, but I just didn't feel it translated to the page. At the end, where you return to prose, I really enjoyed it again.

*StarV* In general, my favourite part was the fine details you put into the prose. For example, "Yes, she thought, a slight smile playing on the corner of her mouth." That's a great description. I love it. Also, when introducing Daphne, you write, "one hand seemingly absent-mindedly straightened a few errant hairs that had escaped her otherwise immaculate hairdo." That's such a tiny detail, but it makes your writing pop off the page. However, my absolutely favourite part is when we first meet Scooby. He comes to life with the promise of breakfast: " 'Rah' it said, 'Reckrust.' " This really made me laugh. You capture the essence of Scooby perfectly.

*StarV* Just a couple of typos: " 'Maybe some pancakes' exclamed the boy." ~ It should be exclaimed.
Also, " 'So your the one . . . " ~ It should be you're.

You have a lot of talent, and I think your prose writing is excellent. On the whole, I really annoyed reading this story. I think it is a great job!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi THANKFUL SONALI Happy 25 WDC! Author Icon

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I chose to review this gem as it was on the list of Disney/Fanfic items for the raid.

Please take whatever is useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest.

*StarV* Wow. That is the word that first comes to mind. You know a LOT about Harry Potter. All the details you have included here are so impressive. You must have gone through the books, page by page, looking for questions. Again, wow.

*Starv* When I first clicked into this piece, I have to be honest, it wasn't what I was expecting. I thought it would be an actual quiz, that I could have a go at. So, initially, I was a little confused. Then, when I realised it is a list of previous questions you have set, I was a little disappointed. Just a little.

*Starv* I enjoyed reading through all the questions. I think I probably got about five right *Blush*. Even though I've read and watched them all.

This is an enjoyable page. Okay, so it's not the quiz I was expecting, but I was still able to test myself with the answers that are provided here. It's a clever, thorough Harry Potter homage.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Pamela Sue Bishop

I am reviewing this poem as part of "a very Wodehouse challenge" Open in new Window.. This review is on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole purpose of helping you.

First Impressions: I was drawn to this poem because I found the title intriguing. The brief description, also, enticed me in. As I first read through, I found myself having many questions. It really is an interesting, little poem. I love the opening two lines: "studying the cloudless night sky / the moon smirks at me and I grin back." This made me feel relaxed and peaceful. Which, I think, is how you feel, when you think about how you are protected by your friend who (I think) has passed away. It appears you see your friend in the stars, in the pattern of Orion. You go on to say that your friend is your, "hunter and warrior." They always have your back. It's a comforting thought.

But in the last verse, the reader learns how your friend has been treated badly on earth. You have had to fight for them, and you will defend them still. At the end, you say you will raise them to the Heavens, where they will shine. This is like you will always make sure people know what a good (and wronged) person your friend was.

Voice/Tone: As mentioned above, the tone begins as light and relaxing and ends in much the same way. The image of shining and light runs through the whole poem, even through the parts where you are sad for what has happened. I think there is also a sense of regret at the end. Perhaps, regret that your friend died before you could stand up for them (?).

Mechanics: This poem is written in free verse, which works really well here. The lines read smoothly, and I love how you have omitted using any punctuation. It makes every line flow into the next really nicely. It has a natural rhythm that isn't forced.

My Favourite Part: I love these lines: "my silver bow and arrow smote / to banish that evil from your world." I could picture this really well. You, the warrior, taking out all who slander and hurt your friend. I love that image.

Suggestions: Just a little mistake. In the second verse, you write, "stung by the scorpions venom." It should be scorpion's or scorpions', depending on whether there was one or more of them. My other, more general, suggestion is to write more about this. I would love to read more. It feels like there is an intriguing story behind it.

I enjoyed reading your poem. It's well written and a fascinating read.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jade Amber Jewel Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing your short story, "The 'Mean'tal Block" Open in new Window. on behalf of "The Newbies Academy Group" Open in new Window.. I am reviewing you as you're part of April's "Newbies Academy Showcase Back SOON!" Open in new Window.. Congratulations!

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I was struck by the relationship between your two characters. It is written with warmth and a little humour, and I found the story very enjoyable.,

Plot: This is the story of Beedee and Fabio, two friends who are hanging out and helping each other with homework. It's a snapshot of their relationship. I think Beedee wants to be more than friends. I'm not sure Fabio feels the same way. Maybe he does.

I like how you worked the compulsory quote into the story. It's a clever and unique take on it. As this story takes place over the course of a few hours, I would say it's more of a vignette than a story. It's a snapshot of your characters' lives.

Characters: As mentioned above, I'm not sure whether Fabio wants anything more than friendship. But I like that because I think that's how Beedee feels as well. She is unsure of his intentions, although she knows her own feelings very well. I love how she is kind of shy around him, but at the same time they are completely relaxed together. You have captured nicely that feeling at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is magical. I really like this relationship, and it would be interesting to see where it leads.

What I liked: I love this line. It made me chuckle: " 'Fabio, I think you just broke the block into chunks.' I said, grinning." I ( as all writers) can relate to writer's block, so I know how frustrated Beedee must have been. I love this idea of smashing it to pieces.

Suggestions: In general, I struggled with the dialogue. Not with the content, but with how it's all bunched together. If you double-spaced between paragraphs, that would make it look more accessible. But, most importantly, when one person stops talking and another begins, start a new paragraph. I found it hard to follow who was saying what at times. It could easily be changed if you separated it.

Also, I have to query this sentence: " . . . I hate to admit it, but I wish I could have his eyes." Why does she hate to admit that? What is so wrong with it?

I enjoyed reading your story. It's warm and funny and has a happy ending that made me smile. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥tHiNg♥ Author Icon

This is your third review as part of your Chocolate Fudge Cake Package. It is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.

*Starv* Oh, Hoovsie, I can totally relate to your fear of flying. It's not natural. It makes you feel ill, and you're confined in a tin can in close proximity with hundreds of other people. Not a fun experience. Plus, there is always a snotty nosed kid behind you alternately kicking your seat and screaming. No, not fun.

*StarV* Once again, I love the humour in your story. I think it's brilliant how you bring Liam Neeson out as the guy who completely ruined flying for you. Okay, you weren't a fan in the first place. But this guy, this menacing actor, had the power to ensure you landed safely, if you donated enough money to UNICEF. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a good cause, but he actually lauded the power of life and death over you. That is out of order. I love how you write, " "He's a former Academy Award nominee,' I muttered, under my breath." It's funny the way our minds work, isn't it?

*Starv* It made me chuckle when I read, "The flight attendants patted me on the head, stroked my horns, and gave me some tasty salted hay and cider." Salted hay and cider doesn't sound so bad. I've eaten worse *Laugh*. I also loved this line, which comes after you are focussing on Liam Neeson's words life and death and important: "These are not words you want to hear on an airliner dangling over the Atlantic Ocean." I laughed when I read that. I can imagine exactly how you must have felt. It's wrong that the airline used a public figure to badger already-frightened people into donating. A good cause, yes. Have people with buckets inside the airport. On a side note, we have a lot of UNICEF adverts on TV over here at the moment. I swear Liam Neeson is one of the people speaking on them.

*Starv* This is a story that I could relate to. I understand how scary flying can be. I understand how the slightest thing that happens can add to the fear. I will never understand people who love hanging in the air like that.

This story is entertaining and well written. I really enjoyed reading, as I did the other two items I reviewed for your package win. Now, which one shall I place the Awardicon on? Hmmm . . .

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥tHiNg♥ Author Icon

This is the second of your reviews for your Chocolate Fudge Cake Package. It is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.

*Starv* Firstly, I have to say I am in love with Boo! She looks and sounds adorable. Since I was about three, I wanted a Basset Hound. Dad would never let me, though. We always had mongrels, until Alfie (who is a black lab). But I would still love a Basset Hound. One day I will get one.

*Starv* I had no idea Bassets eat everything they find. I can't believe Boo ate some rocks when she was younger. But the thing is, you can't be angry with them because they look so sorry, so guilty. Alfie eats everything as well. I thought it was just a labrador thing. He once ate two £20 notes! My hubby did not see the funny side of that. Also, when my Mum was alive, he ate the control to her hospital bed that we had been loaned by the NHS. That didn't go down too well.

*Starv* This story about Boo, though, this is fantastic. She is so clever, so naughty. I can't believe she stole the bread tie and stored it safely away for future use. *Laugh* She's brilliant! How could you not have her as the centre of your attention? That's just not on!

*Starv* I have to say, I love the fact that Boo has her own sun deck. She is slightly pampered. But, you know what? There's nothing wrong with loving your dog. I think it's funny how when you thought she ate the bread tie, you spent the whole time worrying, and Mr. Hooves was hardly worried at all. It's the same here. My hubby is only worried when it costs him money.

*Starv* I love this tale of a bread tie thief named Boo. She sounds so cool. I love the fact that she has her own sense of humour. I swear they know so much more than we give them credit for. Although, in Alfie's case, at least, they can be incredibly dumb at the same time. Like, what is the appeal of eating rocks?

This is a great story. It's written with warmth and humour and I love Boo!

Choconut

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Review of Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Cpgal1984 Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I was intrigued by both your title and the brief description of this poem. As I first read through, I thought it was absolutely beautiful. It is written simply, with just a few lines and words, but your love and your feelings of tenderness and happiness shine through. I love it.

*Starv* Mechanics: This is written in free verse, which is perfect because it allows you the freedom to express your emotions. It means you aren't restricted to getting a certain amount of syllables or the right pattern of stresses in the lines. That's what I love about free verse. You have used it to your advantage in this poem.

*Starv* Rhythm: There is a wonderful, natural rhythm to this poem. It's like the poem consists of three sentences, three thoughts, three breaths. It makes it feel very intimate and light. It makes a lovely change to read something that is pure and so full of a love. I tend to read a lot of darker material, so it really is a treat to read this.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: The whole poem is beautiful. But these two lines are my favourite part:

"There is no chill in the air,
For you are with me."

I love that. Nothing else matters, no chill or pain is felt because the narrator is basked in the warmth of her partner's love. That makes me feel nostalgic and warm inside.

*Starv* Suggestions: This is just a small niggle: "I tip toe quietly out into the summer night." I'm not sure you need to write out here. I don't think you need two prepositions. It would read a little more smoothly without out.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: This is a lovely, little poem. It's a beautiful tribute to your husband and it has a wonderful feeling of happiness and lightness. It is a delight to read, and it made a really nice change from the darker, more depressing kind of material I usually read. I love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Black Widow Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. That's the first word that went through my head when I read this. I love dark poetry, it's my favourite genre, and this poem did not disappoint. As I first read through, I thought it was a cleverly written poem, with different sections that work together to tell a story. Your first line is a great hook: "Traumatic times and violent blows." I had no choice but to read on after this!

*Starv* Mechanics: This poem is free verse. It doesn't have a set structure, but at the same time, it kind of does. Does that make sense? You have three verses of four lines, all with an aabb rhyme scheme (although I'm not entirely sold on thing rhyming with dreams). In these four verses, the syllabic count is pretty much the same. These verses read more slowly than the others, and they explain your feelings, and the fact that you feel you are twisted. By the way, I don't know if this is how you really feel, or how you have felt in the past, but I don't think you're twisted. If you have an illness, that is all it is. An illness.

The two larger verses are the ones that move much more quickly. I love the change of tempo, particularly in the second one. It begins with, "I'm running down / the dimly-lit corridors" and it really does feel as though you are running through this part. The rhymes are great in this section. Added together with the shorter lines, the feeling the reader gets is one of panic and desperation. I love how you've written this.

*Starv* Rhythm: I covered most of the rhythm in the above section. But, I want to say, you have written this really smartly. The slower verse, stating your feelings and the treatments you are given, followed by your mind racing, and you trying to process everything, is wonderful.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: It's hard to pick one favourite part. I love the poem as a whole. I love your structuring. These lines, though, are fantastic: "Chronic neurotic; /Some say I’m demonic."

*Starv* Suggestions: This is only a thought. If you took out all punctuation, I think the lines would flow and trip into one another in more chaotic kind of way. With poetry, you have the scope to be a little more experimental, in general. One rule, though, it's usually all or nothing. I wouldn't take out some of the punctuation.

One nitpicky point. The line, "Happiness is just a scary thing." The word just isn't poetic. I appreciate you wanted to get the syllabic count right, but maybe you could try something like, "Happiness isn't all it seems." That way, the rhyme with dreams is better, too.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: I love this poem. Your writing is beautiful. I love it when I read a newbie who has as much talent as you. It makes me excited to see what you write in the future. This is a really great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Castle Memories  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: I really like this. Before I started reading, I imagined an entirely different story to the one I found. As I started reading, I got lost in the mystery. You did a great job of foreshadowing that something terrible would happen to your character, I just wasn't sure what. That was nicely done.

*Starv* Plot: The bones of a murdered child (Alison) are uncovered in the grounds of a castle (or, maybe, just nearby the castle, I'm not sure). The story is narrated by the dead child, which is a clever way to write this. All the information the reader is given comes from this murdered child. I'm not sure how long she has been dead, but her memory is hazy, which makes her recollections a little unreliable. They are also the memories of a child, which adds to this fragile testimony. That said, Alison is a strong character and her story is horrific. Whilst playing Hide & Seek with her siblings, she hid in a cave. An evil man who lived in that cave murdered her. It kind of reminded me a little of "The Lovely Bones" (which I loved!). I like how you didn't give the exact details of what happened to Alison. We didn't didn't need them. I think we can all imagine.

*Starv* Setting: The castle is the main focus of the setting. It sees all and has a memory of its own. It knows what happened to Alison. I love how, when her bones are dug up, she, "can see daylight and the castle." The castle is really important to the little girl.

*Starv* Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I got a little tangled up when I read this line: "We would play there, what were their names now, my brothers and my sister, Sally, Tom and Ed I believe." I think it would sound better if you broke the sentence up a little. Like: "We would play there, my brothers, sister and I. What were their names now? . . . Sally, Tom, and Ed. That's right." Just a suggestion.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "I can see daylight and the castle again as someone softly brushes the dirt from my face." I love that image of tenderness from the archaeologist. Of course, they have to be soft and gentle to preserve the bones, but it feels really loving here.

*Starv* Suggestions: There are a few run-on sentences. For example, "Today somebody did find me, I wonder how, but for the first time in years, I can see daylight and the castle again as someone softly brushes the dirt from my face." Whilst I love the content of this sentence, I feel it needs to be split up a little. For example, "I don't know how, but today somebody did find me. For the first time in years, I can see daylight again. The bristles of the brush are soft against my bones as someone brushes the dirt from my face." Again, this is just a suggestion.

*Starv* Final thoughts: I really like this piece. It's original and really clever. Your descriptions are wonderful, and the characterisation of the dead child is really well written. This is a great piece!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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