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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pwparent
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118 Public Reviews Given
120 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write relatively short reviews based on my initial feelings about the piece. I try and point out any grammatical errors and I give the author feedback on what areas I particularly liked and what I struggled with. I am honest and to the point, but also encouraging.
I'm good at...
picking up on punctuation and the general flow of the piece.
Favorite Genres
Thrillers, mystery, crime, emotional
Least Favorite Genres
sci-fi
Favorite Item Types
poetry, short stories
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of Triolet poetry  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting piece, especially as I like learning about different poetry forms. I could see no glaring spelling or grammatical errors. I maybe would have linked the two following sentences somehow as the first seems a bit stunted - It was particularly popular with women. It has fallen out of popularity today, although it is trying to make a come back.
I think I would have also liked to have seen an example of the form to put it into context as that always helps me. *Smile*
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2
Review of Making Friends  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a fun poem, I can tell it is written in some specific poetry form but I wouldn't be able to tell you which one! I found the flow really strong and only stumbled a little over the last line of the last stanza, it just seemed a touch too long and out of sync. The third stanza was my favourite, I was almost bouncing with the rhythm as I read it in my head.
What a fun way to write, having a newbie partner to share it with. *Smile* I really enjoyed it and it makes me want to write some more. Thanks for making me smile. *Smile*
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3
Review of My Loss  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sorry to read this, an honest heartfelt muse written at a very very painful time. You give the reader an insight into the circumstances, the personality of your mother, your feelings towards her and your hope for the future. You do this with limited words, which is hard to do, especially when grieving. This makes it all the more powerful. I hope the pain has lessened now.
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Review of Reflected Beauty  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love this. I could really picture a spiders web, which I find so glorious when dewy. I much prefer short, powerful poetry to ones with umpteen stanzas. This is more powerful than many I have read and it makes me want to have a go at Lanturne too. There are so many poetry types that I don't know about. *Smile*
5
5
Review of The Climb  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there,

I liked the suspense of the story and I'm guessing there was a word limit. Maybe you could look to use slightly more descriptive words to bring the reader in more? E.g 'firm grip' could be 'vice-like grip' if you get my drift? Just a thought.

Keeping writing *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey,

This poem is a good first attempt. Some of the lines are very powerful especially the last one. *Smile* A couple of things I noticed were that 'its' should be 'it's' and the rhythm of the poem was a bit clunky in places. If you read it aloud you'll notice when all of a sudden the flow isn't quite as good and you start stumbling over a line.

For example, the 'Crush' line is longer than the preceding ones, so the reader has to change their rhythm accordingly.

Keep writing. You have some natural talent that will be honed with time. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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7
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*


Hi there,

I chose to read this poem as the title interested me.

It is a very dark poem and for my simple mind, a little confusing. I've read it a couple of times and there are a few lines that I think are very clever - e.g. blackcurrant pixes dancing like exploding black holes. I could picture that scene.

Overall I think it is an intriguing poem and to people who love dark poetry, this will be right up their street. *Smile* However, for me, it just tipped the balance a little too much and my strive to comprehend it detracted from the overall talent that you obviously have. Write on. *Smile*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*


Hi there,

The poem description intrigued me so I felt compelled to read it.

I liked the structure of the poem and you have some powerful words and phrases. I did feel it was missing a bit of punctuation though - you use commas, but no full-stops. By missing out this punctuation, I found it hard to know when to breathe and pause. This made it harder to get drawn in by the words.

Overall it is a good poem, it just needs a little refining in places. Keep writing. *Smile*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*


Hi there,

I enjoyed reading your poem, I like the style and repetitive nature of forgive and forget. There are a couple of areas where I think a bit of tweaking would make the piece a little more refined.

Firstly, try and think about the rhyming pattern of the poem - if you read it aloud you will hear whether there is a nice flow or whether you stumble over a sentence or word. One or two of the lines don't flow as well as the others e.g. ....,it wasn't supposed to be this way

The eighth line I think should be 'you're' and not 'your'.

Finally, in my opinion a poem should either be punctually correct, or deliberately have no punctuation. Therefore, I would probably add full-stops to the end of your sentences as you have used commas throughout.

The last line is very powerful and I really liked that you bring the reader back into the present and the fact they are reading a poem. *Smile*

Keep writing.
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Review of tinkerbell  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*


I chose this piece as I was interested in the title. The description was a little dull though and didn't give me a feel about what I was about to read.

I like the rhyming pattern you used and it is a fun little poem to read. It flows pretty well, but I did stumble over 'because' and 'applause' and the rhyme of those lines 4-8. My favourite part is the last stanza and the thought of Tinkerbell sitting in a glove. I think you have captured the essence of Tinkerbell well, so congratulations! *Smile*

Write on, you're doing great so far.
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Review of Techno-Crap  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey again,

I love this poem - being in ICT, I could really understand why you may feel a frustration with the latest technology fads. I feel the same and am sorely tempted to go down the 'digital detox' route once a week!

I got into a really good rhythm when reading this, there were only one or two times when I stumbled. These were:

Last year I went to Las Vegas,
bid bachelorhood adieu
as recorded wedding bells played;
the aisle was a drive through!

and

I think I'll start to buck the trend
though I love innovation.
I'm just against the latest fad ...
that's not built in our nation.

It was the second line 'though I love innovation' that just didn't seem to roll off the tongue. However, I had a smile on my face whilst I read aloud and even though I got caught out a couple of times, it didn't detract from the overall poem. *Smile*

I think this is my favourite poem from your portfolio so far. Good job. *Smile*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey,


I like this poem, it is very true, it does feel like it is all about the money and not about the man. I liked the stanza format and it was easy to read, although there were one or two areas where I stumbled on the meter - It came out each month like clockwork, and, April 15th fast approaches;
papers pile high on my desk.

I think it was because there were a couple of lines of 7 syllables rather than 8, but it could just be the way I was reading it. *Smile*

I really enjoyed the final stanza - it was clear and bought the reader back to the message that the poem was trying to convey. It made me smile.
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey, I was drawn to your piece by the title, it really intrigued me. I think your words work well together and I liked the involvement of music such as 'Sonatas and nocturnos'. The only thing that I struggled with was the format of the poem and a few mistakes in the grammar. This is a shame as it meant I couldn't really read it with a pleasant flow.

I would suggest possibly tweaking the line spacing and checking the grammar so that it becomes more coherent. However, you have the basics of a really good poem with your emotional phrasing, so keep writing. *Smile*
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Review of First love  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Tabby,

This is a really good first step into WDC. You've used the word limit really well and it was a clever idea to use ants as the characters. I must admit, I did have to re-read the first few lines again after the sentence about the kid watering the plant as it confused me a little, but that is probably just me.

I have a couple of suggestions, feel free to ignore.

I would usually use full speech marks rather than quote marks, and I don't tend to use the word 'and' at the start of a sentence. I wasn't too sure about the capitalisation of 'Right' after the hyphen either. Other than those minor bits though, your grammar and punctuation is great.

Keep up the great work. *Smile*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi there,

So this is my review of your 'Saga in the South on the Farm Edition'.

First impressions: To be honest I found it difficult to ascertain exactly what form this is supposed to be. A recollection or memory? A flash fiction story? This just made it a bit harder to comprehend and review and I'm not sure that the title explains enough to draw the reader in.

What I liked: The grammar and punctuation are quite good, just a few missing commas, lack of capitalisation etc. that I'm sure you will pick up with a few more proof-reads - I'm happy to point them out if you need me to, but I think you probably have a good grasp of the technical aspects of writing already. *Smile* I liked your scene setting at the beginning and the story was concise with no over-usage of descriptive words that can sometimes overpower a piece in my opinion.

My suggestions: Personally I would take a look at the title and description again to try and give the reader a bit more to go on. I would correct the few minor grammatical bits and maybe spread the sentences and paragraphs out to give the reader time to digest and take in the dialogue and the narrative without it blurring into each other.

Overall: I think this is a good start in getting your creative brain back into writing again. Keep writing and keep enjoying. *Smile*
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Review of Best Friend  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I read this as the title and description interested me.

I like your style and clearly laid out stanzas. I also liked your use of the italic for 'him' so that the reader could understand what you were trying to say.

There are a couple of bits that I'd like to point out to you.

* 1st stanza, 3rd line - where should be were
* 2nd stanza, 4th line - I wasn't sure about this line and think it should maybe have been 'But I thought...' as you are writing in the past tense.

My favourite line is 'We can laugh over nothing and still be sane'. Its so true!

I think this is a nice poem. Keep writing. *Smile*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem interested me from its simple title and description.

I liked the 'O love' repetition and you have rhymed the lines quite well. I really liked the last two lines:

In my life you were a beautiful part,
Part of you will remain in my heart.

They are powerful and bring the poem together, reiterating the pain being felt.

There were a few times that I stumbled on the flow of the poem and I think this was due to the fact that it is a rhyming poem, but the line lengths were mixed so the rhythm couldn't be maintained as I read.

My suggestion would be to revisit a few of the shorter lines, to try and ensure that the syllable counts match with the corresponding rhyming line. This would in my opinion improve the flow. *Smile* Keep writing.

*Heart* Happy Valentine's Raid from The Newbie Academy *Heart*
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Review of Love  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey, I chose to review this poem as you're a Newbie and I liked the basic title.

I really liked the first line, it was powerful and said a lot.

The rhyming of the poem is on the whole there, but the meter is just a little off, which makes it harder for the reader to get into a nice rhythm when reading it aloud.

I think you may have more to say on this subject, so it would be nice if you extended the poem a bit. You're off to a good start, so keep writing. *Smile*

*Heart*Happy Valentine's Raid from The Newbie Academy*Heart*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there,

A review of your second chapter as requested. *Smile*

As I read this it bought me back to the first chapter, which was great. I could remember things and relate them to what I was reading now. It might be worth mentioning both their names in the first sentence again though, just to remind the reader and set the scene.

I think I am getting the true gist of the situation Ellie is in and the awful McKenna. There is a lot of detail though, about people, feelings and description of the location. This is fine, but could be a bit too much for some readers. Maybe hold off on some of the scene setting details a little if it isn't 100% necessary.

There are a few areas where I think you need to bring Ellie into it without needing to explicitly state the detail e.g.

A couple of metres in front of her were pair of women dressed in army combats.

could be

She noticed a pair of women dressed in combats.

This then flows nicely into the thoughts she is having and just brings the reader in a bit more in my opinion.

There are a few missing commas and occasional grammatical mistakes, which you'll pick up with another few proofreads. For example:

The interior was surprisingly cushy with soft leather seats and foot rests. It was spacious too despite the backseats being occupied by a rolled up sleeping bags, quilts and blankets, and pillows.

All in all, I'm enjoying reading this, it just needs a few tweaks here and there and some more proofreading. *Smile* Keep going.
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Review of Susana  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This poem intrigued me as I've never read one that has such an unusual structure. I must admit I struggled at first to fully understand it and I had to read it several times over. However, I think that the essence of the poem is nice, it tells a story about a person's love for Susana and how it starts, grows and then gets lost temporarily.

It's cleverly written and I noticed no technical mistakes. I enjoyed reading this (once I got my head around it) and my favourite line was 'Starshine sparked the deep indigo-dark hours'.

Write on. *Smile*

*Heart* Happy Valentine's Day Raid from the Newbie Academy! *Heart*
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Review of Moments of Time  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*Heart*Happy Valentine's Day Raid from the Newbie Academy! *Heart*

Hey there,

I picked this poem as I liked the title and description and I know you've reviewed my pieces before.

First impression: I love your descriptive writing. The 'Whispered tones of lingering moonlight' I could picture immediately, imagining myself there.

Rhythm and flow: I read the poem as a free form piece at first, then I realised that there was rhyming. I found that the poem had an easier flow when I didn't concentrate on the rhymes. I found the third line of second stanza a bit stunted, especially when trying to engage the line with the first line.

Overall: This is a nice poem and I see you wrote it sometime ago. I understood the message you were conveying, I was just a bit confused by the rhythm. Keep writing. *Smile*
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Review of The beast  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is full of imagination and drama. I really enjoyed lines such as:
'Keen eyes dancing with glee'
'And deaf to my call'

I think that the overall flow of the poem was quite good, the rhyming was in the main spot on, with only a few areas where I stumbled over lines that were a little too long e.g.
'To watched him battle the beast' - I think here you may have meant 'watch'

You switch between the meter of the rhyme a few times - some lines have 5 syllables, some 6 etc. etc.

The only thing that I felt let the piece down a bit was the last line. It didn't flow with the lines above and as a result the poem finished with a bit of a whimper.

Overall though, a really good poem. Keep writing. *Smile*
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there,

First impressions:

Is this a chapter for a book? If its a short story, then it doesn't really have an ending and so it left me wondering what was going to happen next. There was a lot of description throughout the piece, which worked in some places, but was a little too much in others. For example, the description of their dinner wasn't really necessary.

What I liked:

I enjoyed the way you set the scene at the start and there were a few really good, strong sentences that kept me gripped e.g. "I lost a bet, plain and simple, and I’m true to my word." She side glanced at him and noticed he was looking at her intently.

My suggestions:

There are a few places where there are some grammatical errors e.g. using colons instead of semi-colons. There was also an instance where you didn't use quotation marks when someone spoke - The early bird catches the worm, said Orlando cheerily.
I think going through this piece with a fine-toothed comb will pick up the little mistakes.

There are a couple of areas where you didn't need to add so much description. For example, when she put the glass to her forehead you didn't need to state that she would get a headache later. Just the mention of the 'pounding' would make the reader assume she has one or will get one. Sometimes less is more.

Overall:

I liked reading this and wanted to know more. With a bit of re-reading and editing you will have a great piece. Keep writing!
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Review of A chill  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a nice story. I could picture the man in the hospital bed and the little girl sitting on him, grabbing his nose. I noticed a few spelling and grammar mistakes. For example, 'I' should always be capitalised, even within sentences. 'a hour to live', should be 'an hour to live'.

However, these mistakes didn't detract from the story you were trying to tell. I think it would be good to extend the story a little bit more as I'd like to know what happened next. *Smile* Keep writing.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Unfortunately there are random characters within this piece, maybe from you cutting and pasting it in from a different application? This detracts from the piece, which I believe to be very well-meaning and a useful guide for new puppy owners.
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pwparent