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6 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I don't want to offend you - ok? I'm just another user on here, who from time to time does a somewhat less professional review. So, it's me giving you my opinion - which you can easily take something out of it, or disregard everything.

> I noticed two things I would rewrite if it were me. You seem to be 'Telling' and not 'Showing' any of the story. Also, you seem to be using a lot of 'long-winded' language.

Let's look at some examples.
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It was time to return to work for another day after two fulfilling days off. After taking up more hours in exchange for a fatter paycheck, I wasn't too thrilled on working full-time again. But the prospect of freeing myself from the shackles of my debt was more than enough of a reason to drag my tired frame from the bed, get cleaned up and drive to the work location. Even if I didn't want to.
--------------------------------------------
That entire first line is a very long way of just saying the obvious.
"It's Monday - back to work !"

You'll notice also that once you use 'Showing' or "First Person" it has a better impact.
When you step back and use telling, then it's almost like a documentary.

In that second line, I think you're trying to say something about switching from part-time to full-time. But, again there is a lot of just extra words - they have to be cut. This is not how writers write these days. Believe me I was told this time and time again on here.

That was acceptable in the 1920's but not so much nowadays. These days, shorter and fewer words is the trend.

Another thing is you're writing not directing a screen shot. So we don't need to know every tedious move your character makes.

Another item I would suggest is to introduce that character in some way so that the reader knows who it is. This should be done sooner rather than later.

In fact, by the end of this page you have here, we still know nothing about the character; such as, his name, maybe his age and where he is living. Whoever this is, don't like working full-time, but is doing it because he has a lot of bills. That describes everyone. In my opinion, boring details that apply to every single person out there don't really move your story along. I might revisit them and consider removing them - or at least keep them to a minimum.

That next line, if it were me, I would cut that entirely. He is making a statement to someone, that his bills are the reason he is working. Then, we have to know that he is dragging himself out of bed, and getting cleaned-up.

Like I said, I would switch a lot of this to 'Showing' not you telling.
I would focus on my character upfront. I want the reader to know who he is, where he is, and maybe a few more things about him - not everything though.

It might be important to know why he hates his job. Why he 'had to switch' to full-time.

Consider this :
It was heavily raining for two hours.
This is 'Telling.'

John brushed the curtain to one side, he stared at the courtyard, which is beyond the main house. "It's raining very heavy right now," he said. Much to his surprise, nobody said a word. "Did you say it's raining?" Sheila asked. "Yes, and very heavily. Nobody's going up or down that main road tonight!"

You see, I try to use a mixture of 'Showing' and 'Telling' to develop the story.

They (other users on here) used to tell me to avoid beginning a story where the person is waking-up or with the weather. they said there are a lot of over-used cliches that should be avoided - just so you know.

You actually might want to use an outline for your story. That way, it helps to keep you on track and focused. You know what you're supposed to be writing in paragraph one, for example.

I hope that some of this can be of help to you. But if not then i am sorry I couldn't be of more help to you.

Bob
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Review of The nectar  Open in new Window.
Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am not an editor or professional reviewer. I'm like you, just older. I'm going to show you an example of how I would write this, and maybe you can pull some ideas out of it - ok?
------------------- Start -------------------
It's early, and the crimson sun is just peaking over the distant mountain tops - they are snow covered this time of year. One cup of java, a piece of toast, and three yawns later then I'm out the door. I get into my car and begin the routine drive. A drive I know so well that I can fall asleep and still make the drive. Is auto-pilot even real?
--------------------- STOP ----------------------------------
you will notice I am not referring to 'We' but ' I ' and I am speaking of my experience. Others will relate to it though. I describe the scenery in some detail, but not so much to bore the reader.

Most of your writing I think is good. It reads like a list of events, it lacks details and should be personal, I think. Avoid repetition, Tick, tick, tock, tells me time is passing, so drip, drip, drip is unnecessary.
Again - this is only to give you some ideas - nothing more.

I hope there is something you can use, if not that's ok too. I wish you luck in your writing.
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Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank You - That's a great help.
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Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Tense, is something I try hard to maintain. I don't want it to shift, it used to do that and ppl on here would be all over that.
What I do now-a-days is list each sentence like a bullet list. Then I go over each sentence one by one, looking for a shift in tense.
-----------------------------------------------------
1.) One day in 1978, I was a bit forlorn.
2.) I wished I could just pick up the phone and call God -- I wanted a clear back and forth interaction with Him that would be possible with a phone call.
--------------------------------------------------------
As you can see, this is how I check for tense. However, I think, I would rewrite that second sentence first - it sounds just wordy.
>> Maybe something like this -
a.) I wished I could have been able to just pick-up the phone and call God - a clear communication between us.

b.) I wished I could have been able to just pick-up the phone and call God. I wished there was a clear communication between us.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The reason I list my sentences vertical is because it might be easier to spot errors; especially, a shift in tense. It might be just as good for you to read through without moving sentences about - that's just me.

I don't think of myself as a professional reviewer by any means. Just someone like you -writing my story. I thought I would share some of my insight, and you can ditch it if you don't think it applies to you.

What i learned on here is not to be wordy. Don't use $50 words when you could have just said it with the $3.00 specials. LoL !
Like where you said " I wanted a clear back and forth interaction with Him that would be possible with a phone call."
In my head, it seems a little wordy. a clear back and forth interaction.

Well, it's a phone, so there is only one type of interaction possible - a phone call. So why not just say that or like I illustrated a direct line of communication, if you need to raise the tone to a higher level.

Remember your reader all the time. How would your friends tell this to you. Would they say it like that. I think, most would use simple words unless there was a need for a more sophisticated word.
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I hope some of what I said here is of some help to you. Like I said, I am not a professional reviewer, just another aspiring writer. If you don't agree with any of this - that's ok too. Just ditch it and move on then. I wish you the best of luck in your writing, and above all "Stay Safe !"
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