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4 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Two Wonders  Open in new Window.
Review by R.C. Salyer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That was a great story. It really flowed well and painted an enlightened vision of the scene. I could almost feel the early autumn crispness. I would have liked to know the general location of where the story took place. Maybe hint of clues to where they live. I imagined Midwest but that is just a guess. Some technical stuff that you can use as you want

-Guileless, a young deer, recently rid of its spots, drank from the rushing water – guileless seems unnecessary. It really interrupts the flow of that beautiful description. If you remove it from the sentence you don’t lose anything and you gain control of the structure

-“What a wonder! My first time at Blackjack Creek and my first deer.- all of your dialogue is really good and believable except this one. I don’t think a young kid would talk like that… little to leave it to beaver for me.

- young breast mounds rising beneath.- There is a subtle undertone of innocence that you created throughout the story. This is almost a little too forward and goes against it. I know that you weren’t trying to be vulgar with it but it seems out of place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a overly sensitive person, it seems too sexual for the main character to notice. He is painted with complete innocence and naivety, I don’t think he would even really sense it. maybe the curve of her neck or her lips something that he just saw for the first time as he changes

Overall I loved the story. It made me remember my first kiss and how beautiful it can be. mine wasn't but it only got better. Hope this helps fine tune your story a little.
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Review by R.C. Salyer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A great story. I think i have brought girls like that home before. Luckily we put blanks in Mom's gun. the story flowed well and left a lot of surprises especially at the end. I think i would have liked to see a better developement as to why he liked margot in the begining. She was a bitch from the get go and that was probably the intention but it was almost over the top. If we could have seen how she was sweet with John and why he liked her it may have felt more real. I like the over the top forshadowing leading up to the actuall death. I thought it was just a exaggeration. but nope.. bam Great job !
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