\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rewrite
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Rewrite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Herein lays one Rewrite’s humble view… Take it right or wrong or not at all but please do for me these simple three: keep your mind open, your prose malleable, and always let your imagination run free. We all strive to improve and we all can learn and grow together.

Now, let’s dive in…


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Review of:

The Eyebright's Dimension Open in new Window. [13+]
The Legend of the Eyebright was thought to be just a myth...
by emerin-liseli Author Icon

*Exclaim* Everyone grab your favorite beverage, go get comfy somewhere, and read this! Then come back and catch up *Exclaim*


I can easily tell a lot of work went into this. Bravo! *Delight* Twenty Chapters! That is an achievement in itself! This was a fun read. You certainly have talent and dedication to go this far with this, keep it up!

I want to start by taking a high level view first and then moving down into smaller details. So... take each of the chapters and line them up on the floor. Good, now fly up to about 500 feet (You might need an upper step to help you with this if you haven't moved on to the advanced flying class yet. I'm sure they won't mind. *Wink*)


Plot

You have some nice plot lines going here. You mentioned in the intro to the book that you were writing it to see how it would end. To me, that does show up a bit. In some parts, I feel the story seems to be discovering itself which can be confusing for the reader. Let me try and explain... In my opinion, what tends to happen is information gets chopped up and put out of order. The reader gets information later in the story that would have been helpful to know reading parts earlier on before that. Sometimes the reader doesn't get certain information all together and is left confused. Does that make sense?

An example from your work I'll try and describe this with is the combats. (I'll go more in depth about the combats next) As the book progresses we (the reader) are given new chunks about how the combats work, but I feel it might be a little sporadic, maybe a little out of order. For instance, the beginning of chapter 12 starts off with a paragraph 'telling' (I'll mention this again later as well) us how combat works. But before this, in chapters 9 and 10, we've had two chapters about Division meetings, a quick discussion on battle tactics, and an introduction to one of the fighting stadiums. All of that happened before we even found out how the combat event actually works (rules, etc.). See what I mean by things might be out of order? I was wondering how the actual battles worked while reading 9 and 10 which left me a little confused and hung up to what they were talking about and what was going on. When I got to 12 I finally got some of the information I was wondering about.

The thing I love about fantasy writing is that we can write about anything! We can create our own world in which we can break all the 'rules' of the world that you and I know and live in. People can fly, hurl bolts of lightning, and they might not be humans to begin with! Now, and here's the important part, in the worlds we create, there are still rules. (Well, 99.99% of the time.) The challenge to us as writers is to convey the rules of our world to the reader in a way that makes them understand 'this' is how my world works. *Cool*

So I guess my main suggestion here is to take a look at how your story flows. From your 500 foot viewpoint take a look down at what you've got. Take a look at what is the main event(s) that happen in each chapter and how the story flows. How is information about your world related and in what order. Read through with your 'reader' cap on (after, of course, removing the 'writer' cap which knows everything about every plot line, character, emotion, etc.) You have to go with only what is written on the pages! *Shock* Sometimes this can be a tricky mindset to get into. Sometimes walking away from it for a little bit can help or work on something else for a little, just to get your mind off it.

*Note6* The two main areas which I think you should look at with this are Combat and the purpose of The Academy Look at how/what the reader understands as they go from page one onward.

*Bullet* Magic in general is another area that you could look at. I think how it works really isn't talked about until chapter 17. I think it would be useful to the reader to learn a little more about it earlier on.

Alright, that said; let me get into some details...


Combat

Ah, battle! *Smirk* These contests seem to me to be the center point of what the Academy is about. The combats seem to be pretty intense to! Very action packed, I like it! I think the main thing that I keep getting caught up with is not understanding the rules to combat as I went through the story. Not just within the actual battles themselves, but how the teams are set up with Divisions, groups, etc. and also why they are set up that way. As I mentioned above this is an area where info is spread out. I don't believe a full explanation of how exactly the points system is given either. I feel that getting a clear explanation out earlier on the points system, and the overarching rules to combat, etc. would help smooth things out for the reader.

Combat Related Questions:
*Bullet* What are the goals/jobs of each of the divisions? (i.e Aerial Patrol vs. Aerial Squad, Ground Division vs. Ground Patrol)
*Bullet* How are they supposed to help each other and work as a team?
*Bullet* How are points calculated in the actual battle contests?
*Bullet* If they can't get hurt fighting on battle island, how does one knock another person out?
*Bullet* Where do they practice? vs. Where do they fight? I kept getting confused as to if they were actually practicing on the 'battle island' or in individual training arenas.
*Bullet* I got the sense that it was not an easy task to win a combat. Having to knock everyone on the opposing team out or have them surrender. With that in mind, I had a hard time believing that one of the combats in chapter 12 only lasted three minutes. I couldn't see how that would be possible. You might want to add a little more detail on how that was accomplished, it could become a very entertaining scene!

The Academy

I'm getting conflicting ideas about the purpose of The Academy. The thing that confuses me is that everyone is acting like this is a normal academic school while the focus seems to be on military training and combat. Again, as I mentioned in the beginning, the Academy is another area which I feel the info comes in pieces scattered throughout. When you talk about the history of the Academy you do mention it was founded as a way for the new self imposed king to raise an army and take over. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem to relate to the reader that the Academy or the students have that intent in the present.

It's fine if this is your intention to hide the main focus of the school actually being military training. But everyone seems to give me the impression that they are their to just learn magic. They do not seem to react to the major focus on military training and combat. I would imagine if they did think they were there only to learn magic, then they would be wondering why they are going through basic training. This led me back to the same question several times as I went through your work: Why are they there? I mean this to both the Academy and to the students.

Academy Related Questions:
*Bullet* What is the full name of the academy?
*Bullet* Why do people choose to go there?
*Bullet* How many years is the school? (Is it the equivalent of high school and college together?)
*Bullet* What do people outside the Academy believe the Academy teaches/does?
*Bullet* If it did stop becoming a military training base, when did it stop and why?


Characters

You have a lot of great characters in this! Nice job. Some of the situations that you put the characters in to interact with each other are just fun to read. Wonderful interaction between characters! This is definitely your strongest point with this work. *Thumbsup*

With all these great characters came something I did get slightly confused on; who are the main characters of the story? From your intro to the book I was thinking Eunae, Calixte, and Kasity would be them. But after reading through this, I didn't feel that they were it. Kasity and Eunae I definitely feel are main characters. I got a lot of background info and character development on them. Maybe this was done on purpose but I didn't feel Calixte got enough attention/development to be considered a main character. Yes, the plot near the end did include her, but I didn't get to know much about her. I get the feeling with where the plot seems to be headed; Calixte has a lot to do with what happened in the prologue and in chapter 5.

Other characters I thought might be main characters: Karynn, Aidan, Adely.

My other thought on characters in general is that usually I think the main characters interact at some point. With each other or against each other, a relationship is built. I don't think there was much of a relationship built between Kasity and Eunae. The two of them separately interacted with Calixte, but not much with each other.

Eunae

Nice background story on her! Her sensory ability is awesome!

*Bullet* "Her departure would provide extra recognition for her mother and sister, and would give them better status. They might even be able to move out of the widow's section."

I was left with wondering why this is. How does Eunae's leaving her mother and sister help raise their status even enough that they can move out? I didn't find an answer to this one.

*Bullet* Chapter 7, wow! Amazing backstory with Eunae's parents and the baby. *Cry* These are some great details!

*Bullet* "The rumor that she was a professional secretly helping Sylph originated after the last sensory contest, which she had won easily, beating all the other Clouds almost single-handedly."

Their is a lot of talk about the different classes that the characters are taking. The few times that you show some of what's taking place within the classes are great! (Especially the lesson on shields scene in Chapter 11! *Laugh* I loved it!) After reading the above I really wished I could have seen this class where Eunae beat out everyone else in sensory. I think it would be another great scene to show the readers more depth into Eunae.

*Bullet* How did Eunae get selected to go into the Sylph Cloud?

*Bullet* Chapter 18 threw me a little bit with Eunae's abilities. Right at the beginning of this chapter she senses what the teacher was about to say. I refer to my rambling about rules to your world and making sure the reader understands them. Up until this point I thought that a sensor's ability was to sense that people were around and I think they can hear what others are actually saying. I got confused when suddenly she could sense a topic that they were about to talk about.


Kasity

Again, another great detailed background story! Great conflict between Kasity and Adely.

*Bullet* "Kasity had not lost her mother; her mother had left because of her windblown spirit."

The one element I was wondering about was Kasity's feelings towards her real mother. Did she miss her? Did she want to go and find her? Wonder where she was?

*Bullet* Great scene in Chapter three with the vision test!

*Bullet* "Kasity felt she belonged in the lonely, wooden building high above the rest of the Academy campus..."

This is the beginning of Chapter 6. Why does Kasity feel this way? What led her to this feeling? I wasn't sure where this was coming from.

*Bullet* "Kasity subconsciously took out her sling and loaded it."

What magic does Kasity know? I was surprised to see her pull out a slingshot. I guess I figured she would be using some kind of magic she had been training.

*Bullet* Great scene in Chapter 14 with Kasity's mistake. Great conflict!


Calixte

What an intriguing character! *Cool*

I mentioned before that I'm thinking Calixte has something to do with the prologue sequence. If that is the case I can see why you might not want to go into much detail about her character's (as Calixte) past. That said, the character of Calixte, even being seemingly very powerful and ahead of her time, seems to be a slightly flat character. I just don't feel like I know much about her. Other then the opening chapter (chp 1), she doesn't seem to form relationships with any one else. In the opening I got expectations that she would form either a close bond with Eunae or they would become enemies. I felt like it could go either way.

*Bullet* I got a little confused when Calixte showed up in chapter 2. While I was reading it for the first time, I thought that chapter 1 and chapter 2 were happening at the same time. Both Eunae and Kasity were traveling to the Academy at the same time. If this was the case then Calixte was in two places at the same time! I originally thought this was pretty cool until it wasn't mentioned later and I came to the conclusion that your intent might have been that the two trips to the Academy did not in fact happen at the same time, but one before the other. That's an area you could take a look at to smooth out.


Showing vs. Telling

You have a lot of really great details but take a look through each chapter and see where you might be simply 'telling' the reader details where you could be 'showing' them the same information within a scene. Doing this also helps bring out more from the characters and how they act/react to the situation they are put in.

Some of the main areas I saw this with were: Fighting in combats and the Cooperative Economical Living (CEL)

I love the CELs, quite an original way of looking at them! *Laugh* We hear about how bad they are but we never really 'see' them being done or exactly what chores they need to do. See if you can show them to the reader and just how bad they are.

With the fighting, chapter 12 was the main part where a lot of telling goes on. The combats themselves seem to be the highlight of the school year. The beginning of chapter 12 starts off with a paragraph telling the reader how combat works. Right after we aren't exactly 'told' in the same sense about how the first fight occurs, but we only get to see it by the commentary of two people. I would love to see the combats take place! Describe the actual action that happens. Later on you do get into a little of the actual combat fighting. I think you could go further with this though.


A few Individual Chapter Comments/Questions

Prologue

*Bullet* "Valorén ignored her as a small wisp of a memory floated over Radi's arm."

This was pretty cool. What did the wisp of a memory look like?

*Bullet* "Valorén's face was incensed, but frosty white, blending with the long, ivory-blonde hair that swept back from her face. Her eyes, midnight black and glowing, burned with a dark anger."

Amazing detail! Bravo! *Smile*

*Bullet* Show Valorén's reaction to Vivels saying "you were going to use me for the sacrifice anyway. I know it, Valorén." I was looking for conformation or denial from Valorén but I never saw it.

*Bullet* Show Valorén's emotions to figuring out that the power was reversible. She sort of states that it is reversible and then does it. But did the power stay with Radi? I got confused later on in the book...

Chapter 1

*Bullet* It seems Eunae and Calixte are about to arrive at the Academy. They start talking at this point. I was wondering how long the trip was and why hadn’t they started talking to each other when Eunae first got picked up if Calixte was sent to get her.

Chapter 2

*Bullet* I love the separate mode of transportation described in this chapter! The boat ride was a cool idea.

*Bullet* You mention the importance of everyone taking common language classes but I don't see any other languages being spoken. That's an element you could maybe include; Language conflicts or language difficulties to those having a hard time with the class.

*Bullet* This is also where the "ultimate goal" is mentioned. I'm not sure if this is combat related but I wanted to point out that this is an unanswered question that was brought up. What is the ultimate goal?

Chapter 9

*Bullet* "Personally I think there will be a strong emphasis on terrain..."

Calixte mentions this talking about the upcoming first battle. How does she know which terrain it’s going to be?

*Bullet* At the end of this chapter Calixte had said she was going to show Eunae Terrain Stadium. They stop at the entrance but that's the last that is mentioned. Do they go inside and look around? This was a confusing end to a chapter.

Chapter 11

*Bullet* "At the height of her speed, something ran straight into her from the back. Her neck cracked as her feet flew straight into the air, and she hit the ground and began rolling, another sweaty body entangled in hers. Her head bounced in the dirt as she struggled to stop herself, then the ground leveled out and she crashed, her entire body ached."

From this description, especially the part about her neck cracking, I would think she should be dead at least really really hurting. After this though they seem to get up, shake the dirt off and are fine. Depending on how badly you wanted them to get hurt by this, you may want to keep going with the injuries after this or scale back on the hurting details while they are falling.

Chapter 13

*Bullet* Why was Adely unable to do magic after Kasity did the great 'make mud pour out of her mouth' gag?

Chapter 16

*Bullet* "And the final result... Sylph wins!' The crowd began to leave, still muttering discontentedly."

It seems after this big win that everyone just leaves, ho hum. Wouldn't people still be there screaming and hollering over the win?

*Bullet* At the end of this chapter Calixte returns unscathed after as what I'd like to call... a true beat down... even though she did win. But no one reacts much to the quick heal? This got me wondering about the do they really get hurt or not in the battle grounds question...

Chapter 18

*Bullet* Ah ha! Chapter 18 really got the plot moving! It was good to see the plot thicken! *Smile*



Grammar

Everyone loves Grammar! *Sick* Words are our clay. So making them flow is always something to continue working on. Trust me, I didn't have as much time as I would have liked so you can probably find a ton of mistakes right here in this post! The key is making it so the reader can sink right into the words and not get caught up on grammar mistakes along the way.

A few things I caught:

Chapter 6:

*Bullet* "Karynn let out a plaintive moan, which made Rissy Giggle.

'CEL stinks,' she said consolingly, 'but with a little luck...'"


Who starts talking here? Karynn or Rissy?

*Bullet* "This made Karynn laugh, and oddly enough, this laughter caused a happy heat to spread throughout her stomach. Karynn was trying to act friendly, Kasity realized."

Missing the 'to' here.

Chapter 7

*Bullet* "Her parents finally had her tested for Sensory when she was close to two years old, and her mother her mother's second pregnancy, when Eunae put her head..."

Something is a little off here.

Chapter 11

*Bullet* "Finally, Cooperative Economic Living was over, and Kasity could take a real Special Class for the first time. She, Karynn, and Aidan had signed up for a Defensive Magic class first, mainly under Calixte's direction.

'You haven't learned enough to really get much out of an Offensive class,' she told them..."


Who starts talking here? Kasity, Karynn? Not sure

*Bullet* "The Wyverns laughed louder as Jaxith crossed his arms over her chest and looked a embarrassed."

Small typo here. Delete the 'a' before 'embarrassed'.

Chapter 12

*Bullet* "Kasity saluted in her mind and prepared her slingshot once again. Aidan had his eyes closed, his face set. Then, an unmistakable whoop echoed through the air and Lander appeared, flying shots like crazy."

I'm assuming 'flying' should be 'firing' here.

Chapter 15

*Bullet* "'you didn't come to Vivele's funeral,' said Calixte, her eyes bright and the muscles in her face taut.

Vivele? Who was Vivele?"


Who said the second line?

Chapter 16

*Bullet* "Inside the stadium, the tension was thicker than the dense fog that had settled overnight the morning of the Final Round. Kasity stood for a moment in the doorway, still feeling a bit drowsy from the effect of the magic, and wondering what in exactly had happened."

I think the 'in' needs to be deleted.

Chapter 17

*Bullet* "'She wanted us to sense her words!' Crowed Shant.

'It makes perfect sense'

'Sensory! I did Sensory!'"


Who said the last two lines?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always, I would love to hear back from you. I’m excited to see where this goes. Yeah or nay, let me know what you think of anything I’ve written here. If you decide to try some changes I’d love to look this over again if you so desire.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Reviewed for: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

2
2
Review by Rewrite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Herein lays one Rewrite’s humble view… Take it right or wrong or not at all but please do for me these simple three: keep your mind always open, your prose always malleable, and let your imagination always run free. We all strive to improve and we all can learn and grow together.

Now, let’s dive in…


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Review of:

 The Calling of the Chosen Chpt. 1 Open in new Window. [13+]
My novels first chapter. A quest begins that changes one boys life forever.
by The Wordsmith Author Icon

*Exclaim* Everyone go and read it then come back and catch up *Exclaim*


Character

Kianthos Aurelian (Ki)

         Here’s an interesting character! You have a very mysterious opening for this guy. A very intriguing situation he finds himself in… I like it. I think it shows a lot of promise. I do get confused about him as I read through your story though, especially at the opening. I think maybe if you dove deeper into his character your story might clear up some, especially before he finds himself in the crossover world. I’ll explain what I mean…

         Let me throw out a snapshot of what I think his opening situation is:

Here’s a guy who woke up one day and had no memory of anything before that moment other then his name. I get the impression that he’s human. I also know that he lives in a small apartment room that has been prepaid for by some unknown benefactor. Food and clothing are also showing up on this guy’s doorstep everyday from some unknown person. (This guy has a pretty nice setup!) He also educated himself, so he has a lot of free time to observe ‘the other humans’ around him. That is when he witnesses the rest of humanity interacting together and decides just how evil they really are. He decides they all make him sick. So, he cuts all ties with them. He leaves them alone, they leave him alone.

         This is wild; I mean what a situation to find yourself in! One of the things that I love about fantasy writing is that you can take the reader anywhere and do anything. You can create literally anything! You can break any rule from ‘real life’ that you want to! But… there are still rules in place in your new world (99.99% of the time.) You, as the author, have the responsibility to define those new rules to the reader; to show them that 'this' is how your world works.

         Case in point: In real life I think most human beings share a similar trait, Curiosity. If I woke up one day not knowing anything but from that point on, I would be pretty darn curious about everything that came my way. I’d wonder how I even remembered my name. I’d be especially curious if some unknown beneficiary was paying my bills and somebody was bringing me food and clothing. (I mean they even know my shirt size!) I would probably do everything I could to find out what was going on. Mainly, because that was all there was to my life. But that’s me in real life…

         This is your world… Your character might not have this sense of curiosity that many mammals roaming this planet seem to posses. In your world maybe that’s one of Ki’s racial traits (if, in fact, he isn't human); he just doesn’t seem to care. He’s perfectly content waking up everyday, picking up his daily meals and change of clothes, not giving a hoot if his socks don’t match, and going about his day. That’s totally up to you. From what is written, this is the feeling that I am getting about him. He just accepts his reality with no question.

         Ok, so let’s say that is one of Ki’s traits, not asking questions about his reality.

         Here’s the catcher: Your readers are living in the ‘real’ world, where we get curious about everything! What’s my point? The readers need to understand the rules that you are playing by. After reading the opening couple of paragraphs, I am really interested in why Ki hasn’t tried to catch a glimpse of the people leaving things at his door. Why isn’t he even curious? If it was me, I sure would be! If Ki really doesn’t care and just accepts life as it comes, because that’s his reality, then maybe you could go into more depth about that and show your ‘curious’ readers why he doesn’t seem to care. If Ki really would be curious about his situation then maybe you could explore that option. It’s your choice. I would be very interested in how that would play out…

Questioning your own writing

         When I write something it’s usually spawned from an idea that I get. One idea connects to another idea. If the ideas keep connecting, I keep writing. Before I know it I have a story going! All happy about my little accomplishment, I go back and try to read my new creation as a reader would. But what’s this I find? Something doesn’t make sense… I find a question I’m asking myself about something in my writing. Ok fine, I write it down. I keep reading… Another question on something that doesn’t fit! I write that down… (This usually goes on for sometime until I run out of room on my paper… or until I start thinking that I shouldn’t have even started writing it in the first place!) Ok, I figure at that point it’s time to start fixing things, editing. I grab my list of questions and I try to start answering them. (i.e. If so-and-so’s character hates apple pie with a passion… why did he chase after the evil messenger, club him half to death, and then scarf down the apple pie the messenger was delivering? You get my point... I try to address the things that just aren’t making sense.)

I already mentioned some questions you could ask yourself:

- Wouldn’t Ki be curious about himself? Who he is?
- Who has set everything up for him?
- Has he ever seen the people/person who drops off his food and clothing?

         Put yourself inside each character and look around at his or her world. Does something not seem to fit? Is something missing? Write them down and then try and address them in your writing.

Other questions that I came up with:

- It seems to me that Ki doesn’t think of himself as being human or at least that he isn’t part of the world around him. The line, “With no need for money or additional schooling, I had plenty of time to observe the other humans that populated the earth” makes me guess he is, in fact, human. What makes him think he isn’t just like everybody else? Yes, he finds himself not having to worry about bills, food, or clothing, but you don’t mention anything that would make him see himself as any different then the other human beings. What keeps him from making friends or meeting people while he’s out ‘observing’ humanity? Does he just decide to live life as a hermit away from what he sees as humanity? Whatever it is, show it to the reader.

- Ki says: “I always lived on my own, I even taught myself, many times more adequately then I could have learned the same subject in school.” But how would he have known that he taught himself better then he would have learned in a school? He had no memory of being there. Also, how did he teach himself? Did he get books from the library? How much did he learn? It seems like learning came very easy to him.

- Back to the curiosity thing. Ki seems to witness humanity at its worst and gets down right sick of it. Somebody seems to care for him a lot though, I mean they are making sure his bills are paid for and he has food and clothing. If he isn’t shown anything to make him think otherwise, wouldn’t he think there must be some good humans out there because someone is taking care of him?

- If Kianthos Aurelian doesn’t communicate with anyone, how does he know he prefers to be called Ki and that he has never gone by his full name? It seems that no one calls him anything for all he knows…


Description/Scene

         You give some great detailed descriptions, especially with Ki’s encounter with the Shadowtongue, definitely my favorite part! I like the intro to the Shadowtongue, nicely done. You keep us connected to Ki throughout the whole encounter which I really like. Keep working on these descriptions. Re-read them and try to smooth them out. Try to see what doesn’t make sense. It all makes sense in the author’s head, but you need to check what is really written on the page. The readers only get what is written on the page, they don’t get to see inside the author’s head where everything makes perfect sense. (Man, wouldn’t that be great!) So what ends up happening is the reader has to re-read the story to try and figure out what is going on.

“I could almost see the sound waves as they came from the alley.”

         Here’s another one of those fantasy world ‘rule check’ examples… In this reality (the reader’s reality) you can’t see sound. How does this work in your world? How can he ‘almost see the sound waves’?

         This is also a good example of the old ‘Show don’t tell’ writing methodology. You tell us he could almost see the sound waves, what do they look like? What exactly does he see that makes him think he is seeing sound? Show it to the reader. Go through the rest of your work and see if you can find other times where you simple tell the reader something happens instead of showing it. These are great opportunities to explore and help the reader sink into your story.


Plot

         Just like the questions that come up about the different characters, you should also look for things that don’t make sense in the plot. Some plot points you’ll find might not make much sense. Sometimes there are things that have been left out unintentionally and you’ll find holes have been left in the plot.

         For example, when the vision that Ki goes through is explained to him by the Sage he discovers that events are repeating themselves again. He, as well as the four other Chosen Ones, have battled the evil Letheos before and bested him. Now Letheos is breaking free of whatever bondage he was put under before. Ki must go forth and re-awaken the other Chosen Ones and fight Letheos again.

         Here’s where I think a hole is… at least I’m not seeing it mentioned:

         What happened to the five Chosen Ones after they bested Letheos the last time? How were they all ‘reset’ back into normal people’s lives? Why do the other four have to be re-awoken again and Ki doesn’t? Why did Ki’s memory get erased and is seemingly only coming back now? How does all that work with him being human and all (age, etc…)? At this point he no longer seems to be human after all, which conflicts with the beginning of the story…

         Back comes the question about Ki’s character, is he curious now? If he accepted his life before on Earth does he accept this reality just as easily? I'm feeling that he is just accepting everything right now with almost no question. Is there more internal conflict that is going on inside Ki or is it your intent that he accepts what is presented to him unconditionally? These are all questions you could ponder.

Other plot questions that came to mind:

         - How did Ki end up in the crossover world? It seems he just woke up one day and was there. Did something happen to force him into it?

         - It seems the world the Cardinal High Sage of the Chosen is in and Ki finds himself in, is not Earth. The High Sage calls it ‘our planet’ but it is never given a name. I really got confused on where they were.

Grammar

         Everyone is always hounding about grammar! Period here, comma there, when will it end? Well, I guess it doesn’t end. So, what’s with all the grammar talk then? Well, I think it’s because writers want to make their prose as easy for readers to sink into as possible. With well developed characters and interesting plot lines, authors want to really grab hold of the readers and pin them down until they have read the very last sentence. But what also keeps the reader pinned is the proper use of all those commas, periods, sentences, and paragraphs. With the correct use of all those grammar rules, it will hopefully help the reader flow smoothly through the authors writing; letting them fully dive into the world you have waiting for them without getting caught up on the grammer mistakes.

         So, just as really good writers work to create memorable characters and fascinating plot lines, they also work to communicate them more clearly through the use of proper grammar. It’s all part of the writing process.

         When you go back and edit your work, make sure to look specifically for grammar mistakes. I noticed a lot of those in this piece. Sometimes when you are going over your work, for what feels like the billionth time, you might miss things. I personally try and get someone else to look over my work so I can get a fresh pair of eyes on it and to see if I missed anything. (I think you might find some people who are willing to help here on Writing.com, especially if you look around and ask for it.)

         It’s ok though! We become better with practice. (I've got a lot of learning to do in this department as well...) How are we supposed to learn without making mistakes? (I’ll bet you can find a ton of grammar mistakes just in this post alone!)

A few examples of things to check your work for:

Run on Sentences:

“But now things are different, because now I am not all alone, and I don’t have to rely on only myself.”

One way you could rewrite it:

But now things are different; now I am not alone. I don’t have to rely on only myself anymore.

Paragraph Structure:

         Usually people that do not indent the first line of a new paragraph will place a space in between the paragraphs. Otherwise, usually people will indent the first line of a paragraph so it stands out and is a little easier to read. For posting on the net, I’ve seen people putting a space between paragraphs with or without indenting just so it reads easier. People do it different ways though.

Question Marks (?):

         Whenever a character is asking a question, be sure to end that sentence with a question mark. I noticed this a couple times in your story.



         There are a lot of sources to learn about grammar online and even within Writing.com. Research some of them and remember to work on grammar just as much as you would work on characters, plot lines, etc… It’s just as important!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always, I would love to hear back from you. I’m excited to see where this goes. Yeah or nay, let me know what you think of anything I’ve written here. If you decide to try some changes I’d love to look this over again if you so desire.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rewrite