A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having two sisters looking different from each other and having different tastes but common interests and how they tend to keep the family heritage and responsibilities with in the family, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.
How well the story is written
1. I liked the way you showed how the two sisters were different, yet caring about each other.
2. It would be better to show not tell show the past don't rush through it, show how their parents died and how did they managed it, show what happened to Bertha after Rebecca's death but show it in more details the grief, the sadness for her lost girlfriend.
3. Show the past as flashbacks in italics to prevent confusions, and separate between the past and the present using “***” or ### or _________ between the past and present paragraphs so that the reader wouldn't be surprised by being taken to another time.
4. I think it would be better to show more or explain more about the box and the witch part explain the sister's family history maybe relate it to witches and some curses.
5. Try to shorten the name of their mother by saying Samantha their mother or Mrs Pete.
If it is easy to be understood for the readers
1. Proofread it
2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “crying over her loss, the inevitable future.” it should be, “crying over her loss and, the inevitable future.” , “On every 31st October, the two sisters would dress up as their favourite Disney or any other cartoon characters, as Cindrella or as the Big Bad Wolf, as Snow White or as Popeye. The two sisters then would compete with each other for the largest number of candies. They would go "trick or treating" from one duplex to another. People were more than happy to give them candies and Mars bars.” this paragraph needs to be in the past tense not third one.
Rating
I think the rating fits the content perfectly.
Plot
1. I like the way of showing two twin sisters united to pass on the family heritage and pass on their responsibility to the next generation in the family and having Bertha helping Melissa to get her daughter's custody.
2. I liked the way you showed the history of the two sisters and the tiara along with the witches and how it was important to them to avoid the witches curse.
3. I think you need to focus on making the witch part and magic real and somehow change is story to becoming fictitious showing the anger of the witches, curses, to show why were they so careful to not anger the witches and fulfill their quest to each other.
Characterization
I liked the way you showed Melissa, Bertha and Dale but I think it would be better to show more about them, their relation with the people surrounding them, their reactions, expressions, way of talking, walking, their anger, grief and, happiness.
Dialogue
I liked the way you showed the conversations in your stories but I think it would be better to show more facial expressions, reactions, and gestures during the conversations.
2. Hope these links help "May Editorial: Dialog" [ASR], "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue" [E] and "Book 5: Where the Oasis Blooms" [ASR]
The idea and summary of how to improve
I think it would be better to show some thoughts of Melissa and Bertha when they remember the box and the tiara and the promise of giving it to the next generation in the family. (show the thoughts in italics to prevent confusions.
Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.
Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.
Thank you
"Reviewing stories NOW OPEN" [13+]
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