\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhmn/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
559 Public Reviews Given
648 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I check for: *Butterflyb* How well the story is written           *Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers                    . *Butterflyo* Rating           *Butterflyr* Plot           *Butterflyv* Characterization           *Butterflyb*Dialogue           *Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters          
I'm good at...
reviewing stories
Favorite Genres
Fiction, Fantasy, Detective,
I will not review...
True stories or poetry
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
26
26
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION

Wow! A very interesting piece I like the idea of criticizing poem reviewers and showing that they are literally blind due to their misunderstanding to poetry and art, questioning their ability to judge art and to judge a poem, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

WHAT I LIKED

1. I liked the way you described the poem reviewers as literally blind

2. I liked the way you showed how the art of poetry is like opening the soul to expose the heart.

Suggestions and What can be improved:

*Note* I think it would be better to give a glimpse of a bad poetry review, and show the postive and the negative of it, in a criticizing manner.

*Note* I think it would be better to show how poetry is a very complicated art that is seen from different perspectives, and it depends on the people's interpretation to the poem.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall it is great piece, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your piece.

Thank you

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
27
27
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION

Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having a young boy who is working at the mill, but when he is late to get home, his mother punishes him which makes him change his mind and thinks of pleasing both his job and his mother, but still there are few things you can do to make it better./c}

WHAT I LIKED

1. I liked the way you showed how the little kid works at the mill, and at the same time, enjoy the peace, and freedom in the place in front of the mill comparing it with the inside of the mill.

2. I liked the way you showed how the boy got late and got himself grounded for being late, and how he decided to change to make his mother happy, and to work with more passion and effort.

Suggestions and What can be improved:

*Note* I think it would be better to describe the mill's work in a bit more details, and show the details of why he got late.

*Note*i think it would be better to show how he was grounded and the reactions and words said to tell that he wasn't supposed to be late.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
28
28
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION

Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way you described the summer heat, and the army days, comparing between different times and places, showing the effects of heat on the poet and nature .

WHAT I LIKED

1. I liked the way you described the heat in the army days, and how that had a huge effect on the environment, and nature there having only plants that can tolerate that heat, and animals that its natural habitat is desert and can tolerate extreme heat places and pressure.

2. I liked the way you showed the time difference and the difference between the place where the poet lives and his army days, showing the hard life that he had to go through, yet the suffering that he is dealing with now due to the global warming.

Suggestions and What can be improved:

*Note* No grammatical, spelling, or other mistakes were noticed, and there are no suggestions for improving the poem

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall it is great poem, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
29
29
Review of Empty Tracks  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION

Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having the poet remembering the old days with the old car, and how he used to love her, remembering it, the noise that she used to make, the tracks she left behind, and the loud sound engine that now doesn't exist in modern cars. .

WHAT I LIKED

1. I liked the way you described the locomotive as an old loved lady that the poet will never forget, showing every detail and memory about her.

2. I liked the way you showed the difference between the past and the future in the technology, and the emotions of the poet towards the past, and the memories that the locomotive made that can never be erased or replaced by the new ones.

Suggestions and What can be improved:

*Note* I think it would be better to show a glimpse of modern locomotives and
The missed locomotives by the poet, showing the differences between the past and the present.

*Note* I think it would be better to show a glimpse of event or an example of that locomotive that the poet will never forget and not just the tracks and the voices, show something more effective like (a time where it broke down in the middle of the road, or some sort of a funny accident happened that left a mark in the heart or a situation where the old car was pretty much handy.)

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall it is great poem, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
30
30
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a man and his wife living in the heavens above deciding to have children and both the parents and children have enough power to affect the Earth either with their emotions or movements, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed how the husband and wife got bored and decided to have children and the effects of anger and happiness on Earth and how they reactions affects the planet.

         2. Name the characters I think it would be better to give names to the husband, the wife and the three children and make the names somehow related to the effects they have on Earth.

         3. Show more details about the man and his wife how old are they? And the man's power as the "Master of time".

         4. Show the effects of the woman's anger and the children's trials to get back home, show the intensity of how the Earth was affected, the feelings and the fear that people on Earth had.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes like " there lives an old married couple who love each other very much. Theirs is a love that began with the dawn of creation and has endured for one millennium after another." Should be " there lived an old married couple who loved each other very much. Their love began with the dawn of creation and has endured for one millennium after another.")

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think this story should go to ASR rating since there is no violence or sex in it.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having two married couple who got bored with the routine of married life, and decided to make something new like having children, and when they did, the children decided to ignore them and leave home to be trapped on Earth and try their best to get back home after realizing their mistake but fortunately they attempts failed and only had a bad consequences on Earth and affected it with natural disasters.

         2. I think there are few details missing like if there is a hole between the skies and heaven then why didn't the parents use it before? why is it there? Does it affect the people on Earth or not?

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters, how they were easily affected by their emotions and each other. (the husband loving his wife too much and caring about her, careful not to make her angry knowing that her anger will affect Earth badly. So he decides to grant her wish.)


         2. I liked the way you showed the children very cooperative and playful, enjoying the games they play with each other and their curiosity leading them to real danger and taking them away from home.

         3. I liked the way you showed the little girl wanting to play with her brothers and be with them, deciding to not tell her parents about going to Earth after a little of hesitation and jump after them.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogues but I think it would be better to show more reactions, emotions, facial expressions and movements of the characters during the conversations.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the characters when they were angry, when the little girl was alone, when the two brothers were trying to get back to their home, make the thoughts in italics to prevent confusions.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
31
31
Review of Lonely Girl..  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way you showed the suffering of a young and lonely girl who has her few experience can't help her and she didn't learn anything from them, having dreams but none of them are fulfilled, but still there are few things you can do to make this poem better.

1. I liked the way you showed the girl's loneliness and suffering and showing how her dreams were in vein since none of them came true.

2. I think it would be better to show a glimpse of her dreams and life and why is she lonely, what happened to her to end up there with all that suffering and tragedy in her life.

3. I think it would be better to show her life before being that lonely and how did it turn out to be like that.


Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
32
32
Review of Railway to Heaven  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way you showed how a young boy's journey to heaven and how he was taken so peacefully sleeping with his train toy in his hand.

1. I liked the way you showed the little boy's vision that he can see more pleasure and glory now more than the people on earth can see. (I think you meant "knew" and not "new")

2. I liked the way you showed the picture of angels singing as they guide to the train that is sending him to heaven, and how his life changed along with the meaning of joy and happiness to him.

3. I liked the way you showed that the train moves on tracks that God made and how that the boy is on his last journey to heaven, and the trains sounds are sending console to people on earth.

4. I liked the way you showed the difference between losing a dear one, yet their mortal fear are replaced by peace knowing that they have hope and that he is in heaven.

5. I think it would be better to show a glimpse of history about that kid how he died, what were the reasons of his death at that early age.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
33
33
Review of White Twilight  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I like the way you describe quilting as if it is you private and secret hobby that nobody realize though it is always with you everywhere you go, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you described your passion for quilting and how that it sometimes feel like that the poet is craving for quilting.

2. I think it would be better to show the feelings of the poet while quilting, describe the colors, the techniques and how much love to this hobby does the poet feel.

3. I think it would be better to describe the hobby and show more about it, and what it makes the poet feel and how it makes him happy, and the reasons of why he keeps it with him all along.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
34
34
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of showing how love and heart was broken when using "prism" and "black and white."

1. I liked the way you showed the image of having a woman using the petals of the flowers trying to find the truth about someone's love to her "He loves, Me,He loves, Me Not" showing that the last petal showed that he doesn't love her.

2. I liked the way you visualized love to the reader enabling them to imagine how heart broken she was when she knew that he doesn't love her and that she is doomed to stay without him.

3. I liked the way you showed Love as a person naked in the dark, and in the night stands naked only covered with the warmth of sunlight.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
35
35
Review of One In A Million  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of showing someone how much you love by showing the possibility of having a million dollars giving it all up all for that love.

1. I like the way you showed the kindness and love in this poem, trying to help people by any way possible like donating to charities, sharing the money with friends and/or giving it to the person you love.

2. I liked the way you showed how the poet is pretending to be someone else, yet thinking if the poet had money all that would change and will be able to act like her nature and become herself once more because she likes who she is.

3. I liked the way you showed how the money is nothing compared to the love shared between the poet and her partner and that she would give it all just to be with him.

4. I think it would be better to show more about the pretending part, who is she pretending to be and why? why can't she just be herself without the money.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
36
36
Review of Wind of Change  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way you showed how life could change and blow up just like a winter storm, changing someone's life completely forcing that person to rebuild everything he/she has lost, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed how life could change from good to worse in no time, changing people and making them lose the warmness in their hearts.

2. I liked the way you showed the confusion when life turns upside down, causing everything to be unstable.

3. I think it would be better to show the changes not just emotionally but also show what are the changes in life that caused life destruction and how rebuild it.

4. I liked the contradiction between the start and the ending of the poem, where you start with destruction, sadness and being lost, and ends up with hope and rebuilding what's lost.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
37
37
Review of Love's Melody!  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow! A very interesting Haiku, I liked the idea of showing love in a Haiku where the poet is describing his love as a melody.

1. I liked the way you showed love as a radio station where the poet's ears are only adjusted to hear his love's music and melody that is hers only.

2. "I can hear--- but your melody" I think you meant "I can't hear---- but your melody"

3. I liked the way you connected the music as love showing how the two of them are very close to each other and focusing on "love is music."

Overall it is great haiku, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your haiku.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
38
38
Review of Kite Tails  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having someone aiming for a certain target and that is getting a tail to his kite to be able to fly it, yet ends up in a store for kite tales instead, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the idea of having a target and doing all the best to fulfill it no matter how much time it's going to take.

         2. I think it would be better to show more about the main character, about what he was studying, who is he? show more details about him.

         3. I think it would be better to show not tell, show the past in flashbacks in italics to prevent confusion.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the way you showed how the main character is dedicated to his dream, not resting or thinking of something else except for fulfilling that dream, of having his own hand made kite and flying it, but he knew he couldn't fly it without the tail, and he needed a special tail design, looking everywhere for it until he was told a store that got lots of collections about kite tails but when he goes there he found that it's all about kite's tales not tails.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed the main character very focused and persistent on getting what he wants, and flying his own kite.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show this story through dialogues and conversations between the main character and Jorge. show their facial expressions, reactions and gestures during the conversation.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character while looking for a tail, and when he went to that store Jorge told him about. (show the thoughts in italics to prevent confusions.)

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
39
39
Review of Onward  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of keeping the mission and focused on what lies ahead no matter what happen just following the mission in hand, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed that all of this is happening in a star ship that has it's crew looking for aliens or different planets and species to colonize.

         2. I think it would be better to describe more about the appearances of the characters and their species. (show details about it.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it there are few repeated words like "someone one" should be "someone"

*Butterflyo* Rating

          Since there is self destruct in this story and people might die then I think the rating should go to 13+

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the idea of having a space ship crew members on a mission that it might fail and cause the ship to self destruct, the crew is very focused on the mission dealing with different species, aliens and planets to colonize.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I think it would be better to explain the characters their history, background, how they got on that ship, and why are they on this mission.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show more dialogues, show the reactions, facial expressions and movements of the characters during the conversations.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think you need to show more thoughts of the characters and show the thoughts in italics

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
40
40
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having someone dreaming of her the love of her life, wishing he would visit, waiting for him in her sleep, longing and eager to see him again, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you recorded the time of every hour and how it passed, showing the details of the dream and his actions in it.

         2. I think it would be better to show the past of the two characters, and why was he away, show a glimpse of their background.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “I take a steaming hot bath” should be “I took a steaming hot bath” (use past tense not present tense)

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the idea of showing the time and every move during the dream, showing how much the main character misses her love and showing how much care she cares for him, wishes he would visit the next night if not today, or the day after.

         2. I think there are lots of questions about this piece like why did he left? Where did he go? What are the names of the characters? Is he dead? If so then why, when and how?

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed a glimpse of the character's personality showing the love inside her, and how much she cared for that person, waiting for him and using all the patience she could get just to be able to wait for him hoping that he would visit sometime at night even if it was just a dream.

         2. I liked the way you showed the other person character showing how romantic he is, reading poetry, and taking care of his love at night.

Overall it is a great prose, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your prose.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
41
41
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of showing how betrayal affects people and leaves them with a broken heart, causing pain, but still leaving a part of that love inside the betrayed and knowledge that things aren't going to be the same again.

1. I liked the idea of showing the tears and it's traces on the face, describing it in details allowing the reader to imagine the girl's face and how it looks like as if he/she could really see her and imagine her as an alive picture in front of him/ her

2. I liked the way you showed the conflict in her heart, the betrayal and the love that is still there for him, causing her heart to be torn to two pieces one her love for him and two her hatred and despise because of his betrayal.

3. I liked the way you showed her secret wish of having him back, though she know that nothing will be the same again no matter how hard she tries and that this is the reason of why her heart keeps beating thought it's broken and the reason of having an ach in every limb.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
42
42
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having two sisters looking different from each other and having different tastes but common interests and how they tend to keep the family heritage and responsibilities with in the family, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed how the two sisters were different, yet caring about each other.

         2. It would be better to show not tell show the past don't rush through it, show how their parents died and how did they managed it, show what happened to Bertha after Rebecca's death but show it in more details the grief, the sadness for her lost girlfriend.

         3. Show the past as flashbacks in italics to prevent confusions, and separate between the past and the present using “***” or ### or _________ between the past and present paragraphs so that the reader wouldn't be surprised by being taken to another time.

         4. I think it would be better to show more or explain more about the box and the witch part explain the sister's family history maybe relate it to witches and some curses.

         5. Try to shorten the name of their mother by saying Samantha their mother or Mrs Pete.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “crying over her loss, the inevitable future.” it should be, “crying over her loss and, the inevitable future.” , “On every 31st October, the two sisters would dress up as their favourite Disney or any other cartoon characters, as Cindrella or as the Big Bad Wolf, as Snow White or as Popeye. The two sisters then would compete with each other for the largest number of candies. They would go "trick or treating" from one duplex to another. People were more than happy to give them candies and Mars bars.” this paragraph needs to be in the past tense not third one.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I like the way of showing two twin sisters united to pass on the family heritage and pass on their responsibility to the next generation in the family and having Bertha helping Melissa to get her daughter's custody.

         2. I liked the way you showed the history of the two sisters and the tiara along with the witches and how it was important to them to avoid the witches curse.

         3. I think you need to focus on making the witch part and magic real and somehow change is story to becoming fictitious showing the anger of the witches, curses, to show why were they so careful to not anger the witches and fulfill their quest to each other.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed Melissa, Bertha and Dale but I think it would be better to show more about them, their relation with the people surrounding them, their reactions, expressions, way of talking, walking, their anger, grief and, happiness.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the conversations in your stories but I think it would be better to show more facial expressions, reactions, and gestures during the conversations.

         2. Hope these links help "May Editorial: Dialog" Open in new Window. [ASR], "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue" Open in new Window. [E] and "Book 5: Where the Oasis Blooms" Open in new Window. [ASR]

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          I think it would be better to show some thoughts of Melissa and Bertha when they remember the box and the tiara and the promise of giving it to the next generation in the family. (show the thoughts in italics to prevent confusions.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
43
43
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a dog civilization before the existing of man, and how that still have an influence on the current dog behavior, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the how you showed the dog's civilization and translated every habit they do now to their civilization in the old times.

         2. I think it would be better to show not tell, name a main character and show him dealing with this civilization instead of telling about the “Top” Dog” give them names and show how they interacted with each other.

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think this story should go to ASR since there is broken legs.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the way you described the dog's empire explaining how the gods used to treat each other with respect and that they weren't allowed to fight not even with cats.

         2. I think you need to show more about the other creatures and how they were attached to the dog's empire and how they reacted towards it sure there were enemies trying to destroy this empire.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show the respect between the dogs and each other and how they weren't allowed to fight and how they used to talk to each other, show some dialogues to show the reactions and make this story more interesting.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
44
44
Review of What's My Name?  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having the poet meeting an orphan who is struggling with his weaknesses including his own name, and how the poet wanted to help him and prayed that he would stay near to the Lord and that the Lord would keep him safe and close to Him.

1. I liked the way you described the orphan showing that he is a bird with no wings.

2. I liked the way you showed the image of the past and present in this poem, having the present is the poet seeing himself as a kid he just met or meeting a kid just like him when he was young.

3. I think it would be better to show parts and glimpses of misery that is making the poet to escape and having that little kid escape too.

4. I liked the way you showed how the poet helped the kid just like another angel did to the poet in the past.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
45
45
Review of Will You  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! a very interesting poem , I liked the way the poet showed his eternal love to his beloved and how he described his strong love to be only for his beloved.

1. I liked the way you showed love and how it is always going to be strong, honest and true towards the beloved person.

2. I liked the way you showed that love will never change no matter what the circumstances are, time will change, and a lot of other things as well but the love of those two people will only grow bigger and it will never change it hatred and it will always be trusted no matter how hard life gets.

3. I liked the way you showed that God gave the two of those lovers to each other making it sound like each person is a gift to the his/her loved ones.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
46
46
Review of What Should I do?  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very interesting poem, I like the idea of showing how much the poet care for her love, knowing that maybe he isn't feeling the same way, wishing that she would die and watch him from above to take care of him and be with everyone she loves, knowing that no one would care if she is dead or alive in this life since those who care are now dead, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed the poet's love to the her life's love and how much she cares about him.

2. Since there is suicide and attempts of death in this poem then this poem should be rated 13+ and not E

3. I think it would be better to show the relation ship between the poet and her love, and show more of events and situations between them.

4. I think it would be better to show the attempts and her depression not just tell it.

5. Show the reasons why she is not with the love of her life and what happened for her to lose him and wish for death to be able to watch him from above.

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
47
47
Review of Whisper Of A Name  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having love telling the story of how love changed and became something else after watching death of the younger brother, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you connected the present with the past and how the story flows and works as a reminder of Cain and Abel

         2. I think it would be better to show the whispers and make it in italics to prevent confusion.

         3. I think it would be better to show more about the background of the main character and his last memory and then go to the present where he meets Gabriel and he starts telling him the story.

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating needs to be 13+ since there is death and murder in this story.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having a man traveling from life to death, seeing the light and remembering only whispers meeting a woman who tells him story.

         2. I got confused about the woman and Gabriel I think this part need to be more clear about each one's turn in the story.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed the characters but you need to give them some backgrounds, memories and show more about their reactions and, relatives

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1.I think it would be better to show more expressions, reactions and gestures during the conversations between the characters.

         2. I think it would be better to the dialogues where each different person line in a new sentence to prevent confusion, and if the same person is the one talking then have it in the same paragraph.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character trying to remember the whisper and show more about his thoughts towards Gabriel and the woman, and the whole event of having blood on his hands and the story of having the older brother killing the young one and having love not being love anymore.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
48
48
Review of Children of Babel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I like the idea of showing how the peace and the city of Babel was sent to it's destruction and having children and mothers manuring the dead and the destruction of the city.

1. I liked the way you showed the children of Babel watching the peace gone and flying away from their country.

2. I liked the way you showed the start of a war in Babel, showing the fallen towers, connecting it with the pentagon towers and the lots of death that followed. (I liked the way you showed the connection with the word tower and bringing New York's towers in it.)

3. I liked the way you showed how safety was taken away from the people by the planes envading the skies of the country and destroying whats in it.

4. I liked the way you showed the future of the children knowing that they wanted revenge and they took it.

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
49
49
Review of Missing  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting story, I liked the idea of showing the misunderstanding between having a kid missing and having a grown up man missing all in just 25 words.

1. I liked the way you showed a mother worried about her child for being missing and having another man thinking that the kid might be around somewhere but the woman shows the stroller is empty which means that we are dealing with a kid who can't actually walk around alone.

2. I think this story would be better to show that the kid was kidnapped directly without the help me part because somehow it feels like it was forced to be there. (Logically a shocked woman and thinking that her son is gone would say "Oh, My God!" or just "Help" and then "my son got kidnapped”.

3. I think you need to show how is the man who said the line of the kid wondering around was it a man, a woman or the security guard or the kid's father?

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
50
50
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting poem, I liked theidea of having a mother trying to protect her kids, and support them with food, showing how nature work and that in the animals world the strongest always win and strength is needed for survival and hunt for food, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the idea of showing how the wounded in the animals world need to work harder to be able to survive and support their families especially when their families is all about kids who are unable to support themselves.

2. Logic: the lion in that case would be having the wounded cheetah, her cus and the dead gazelle, and not having the Cheetah and the cubs dead because of lack of food. (this part is somehow confusing I think you need to make it more clear about how the show ended.)

3. I liked the idea of showing how the cruelty of nature works and that it is important to be strong to be able to survive, and how the world is cruel that forces people to kill to survive and making it one important rule in nature which is hunting for food.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1798008 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
197 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 8 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhmn/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2