A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a girl trying to remove her misery by helping the children and thinking at night of how to make things better and what would make her parents rest in peace, but still there are few things yo can do to make it better.
How well the story is written
1. I liked the mystery in the story of what was attacking and why the dog was barking and becoming dangerous escaping Nisha's hands.
2. Who said this part? “The light seemed closer now, or was she imaging it? “ was it the narrator or was it a thought. Don't let the narrator comment on the story, his job is only to tell the story and in most cases it's better show not tell, unless of course the narrator is a part of the story.
3. I think it would be better to give more events and details because you are rushing it to reach to the end of it like for example in this part “As they grew older, the house was filled with childish laughter. They chased each other up and down the stairs and through the huge rooms, their feet echoing on the marble floors. Her parents gave them free rein of the house when there were no guests. Time marched on, and the children became adults. Life was good--until the day her brothers and sister vanished into thin air, or so it seemed. They had all been out riding through the forest on the east side of the estate when it happened. Nisha and her parents had stopped to remove a pebble stuck in her horse's hoof; the others kept going. ” , show some events during that time and show what used to happen when there were guests in the house. (show one or more situation that Nisha remembered while watching the glow.)
4. Logic: Nisha was watching the glow come closer and closer without moving or feeling any threat, not even flinch. (I think you need to rethink about this part because it doesn't make sense.)
5. Show not tell you told Nisha's condition but I think you need to show it, show her reactions towards the servants and her parent's death along with her brothers and sister's disappearance.
6. Logic: turning the house into an orphanage it's kind of a big step and need a lot of preparations a lot of thought and also she would have to work in that orphanage. (I think you rushed this part and need to go through it again and see the kind of preparation she is going to do.)
If it is easy to be understood for the readers
1. Proofread it
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2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “plus” should be “purpose”
3. Outline it
4. Organize it (I think this story need to be more organized, you need to set a time line to it, and determine to show the flashbacks or start from the beginning and so on. Because it's confusing.)
5. If you are planning to show some flashbacks in this story then I think it would be better to use italics to prevent confusions.
Rating
I think the rating fits the content perfectly but needs more details like show the disappearence of the children, how did it happen and what was the consequences of it. And give more details about the glow and whatever made Nelson vicious and barking like crazy.
Plot
1. I liked the idea of having a bright light in the sky getting closer and closer while it was approaching Nisha the main character was thinking of her past and the future at the same time, her lost family and dead parents, and how she is willing to change that to make her house filled with kids from the orphanage and changing her house into an orphanage.
2. I think you need to put more details about that glow, show more about her family and reactions towards the lost children (show the whole event because this was just a glimpse of what happened in the story and shows that the parents gave up looking which is somehow impossible and illogical.)
3. The part of having Nelson protecting her by kissing the intruder feels more like an exaggeration and not the truth and it is proofed in the story that he could become vicious if necessary so I think you need to differentiate between her thoughts, the narrator’s words and the actual event.
Characterization
1. I liked the way you showed Nisha as a strong young woman, trying to get over her past and making herself and her dead parents content by changing her house into an orphanage, you made her look like a very kind hart person, and compassionate. Cold when it comes to her own safety and also at the same time you showed her cowardice by her not looking at the threat and closing her eyes yet forcing it open because it's her duty to see what was going on and threatening her.
2. I liked the way you showed Nelson how he was so protective of her and caring about her, attacking the intruder and protecting her even though she fainted and couldn't handle it.
3. I think it would be better to give more details about her parents and her two brothers and sister .
Dialogue
1. I think it would be better to show the conversation between her parents and the police when the kids disappeared, show her parent's conversation and thoughts toward the servants, and show her conversations with the servants and how did she dismissed them and whether or not they understood why she did this? And show the effect on them after all she kind of fired them from their job.
2. I think it would be better to show movements and facial expressions along with the reactions of the characters during the conversation.
Thoughts of the characters
1. I think it would be better if you showed the thoughts of the main character in italics.
2. Was that a thought “"What is that?" she wondered, or was she talking to herself.
Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.
Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.
Thank you
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