Hi there, thank you for reading and reviewing my work, I really appreicate it!
As for this, it was just what I needed to read that day! I like the way this flows and the length of it is just perfect! I have no suggestions for this.
However, I would suggest that when you do read and review someones work, don't ask them to go through your port b/c you've gone through yours. Try 'plugging' it, or post on forums where you can ask for others to review it. Or collect/earn gift points and offers those to people to write and review your work. Please don't think I am trying to be mean, I'm not! Just thought I should let you know places where you can recieve more exposer.
Hi there, what a hilairous story! I thought you did a wonderful job here of details, and I thought that you didn't leave a single thing out. I especially enjoyed the ending, as it wasn't what I was expecting, and the part about the sister-in-law. I did not find any spelling errors at all, and have no suggestions!
Hi there. This is a very thought provoking, interesting piece. I was really blown away with the words that you used here, and you did an excellent job with the rhyming. My only suggestion is for the line:
Though II electorally, fair and clear.
I'm not quite clear on the "II". Do you mean two? I apologise if I'm missing something here!
Anyways, I really enjoyed this, and I couldn't find any spelling errors, or anything of the sort!
Take care,
Rhyanna ;)
Hi there. I can not believe this! What kind of people could possibly do this to an innocent animal. I have a dog who was beaten quite badly before we got her, and we vow to give her the best life. I think you did a terrific job of telling this sad story in a poetry format. My only suggestion is for the paragraph: of their viciousness, when they for a second time
set poor Coco afire. Because you do not have any other paragraphs set up with the last line of one, continuing into the next, it sort of makes this abrubt.
I couldn't find any spelling errors in this at all.
Take care,
Rhyanna
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi there, I think that you have quite the interesting idea here, and I enjoyed a lot of the words that you used here. However, I do have a couple of suggestions:
In the line: So graceful and with movements smooth
-Purhaps this would flow a little better if you used: ...and with movement so smooth As if her life depended on it. For some reason I thought that this line didn't really fit the rest of it the ending of a paragraph in this one.
Overall, great job for being so creative!
Rhyanna;)
Hi there. I think that you have a wonderful idea here, and it has the potential to be a very moving story. However, there are several suggestion that I have.
In the Lines:
The whole family reunited around the table for lunch. Coloured decorations on the wall and the christmas tree with lights going on and off like on a disco floor. Presents galore surrounding the tree ,and the excitement of the children ,who couldn't wait to open them This would sound better if you said something like: The whole family reunited around the table for lunch, with coloured decorations on the wall, and the Christmas tree with lights flickering like on a disco floor.
There are many places where you need to fix your commas. They should be at the end of a word, and then a space before the next one.
In the line:
turn to get married he'd reply ''there's no rush, Annie loves travelling the world, she has time to set up with a family!' You need to use either both " " or just '. You use one to start, and one to end. Also, it makes it easier for the reader if you use a seperate line for dialogue.
You need some more detail in this. Your characters have a great start, but they are not developed as well as they could. I was left not feeling that sorry for Annie. What if you told us more about their lives growing up at Christmas time? What did he die from? How did her mother react? How long was he in the hospital for? These types of things will make us connect to the all the characters in the story, and make it stronger overall.
I do think that you have a great start, and if you edit this, I'd be more then happy to read this again and change my rating!
Hi there. I thought that this was a very emotional piece. It was very depressing and sad, but in a good way, because you made it like that.
I really liked the imagery that you used, it created a picture in my mind for every scene. I do have a couple of suggestions, however.
mattress and staring blankly at the undecorated wall. Purhaps "undecorative" would be more suitable for this line. When I enter the kitchen I find dirty dishes from last night and the night before and the night before that and the night before that still piled in the sink. I personally think that you have one (if not two) too many "nights before that" in this. It took me away from the story a little. Even just using 2 or 3 would make your point very clear. Also, a comma after that might be a good idea.
Overall, great job! I truly felt bad for this character, and the writing was just wonderful!
Hi there. This captured my attention with the first few lines, and kept me interested in it throughout. I like the way that this flows when I read it outloud, the way it rhymed it sort of "bounced" in a great way. I also like how you started out with (at least what I got out of it) talking about a bridal dress, and I liked how you ended it with the two lines.
Hi there. Thank you for sharing this with us, and enlightening me on this subject. I liked how you combined the scientific research with your own experiences. This helped me understand this disorder.
I hope that things will improve for you immensly.
Hi there, I completely agree with everything that you say here, you have great insight into yourself. I love the way that this flows and rhymes, it seemed just perfect!
My favorite line is this is: The scars of time and circumstance
I couldn't find any errors what so ever.
Take care,
Rhyanna ;)
Hi there, no wonder you won the award for "must reads"! This was too brillant for words! Each sentence in the dialogue had true value, and showed the immense love these two had for each other. I read that it was a 'must read-with an ending you won't soon forget', and a million different endings came into my mind. But not one was this one! I have nothing to say but wow!
I really really look forward to reading more of your work,
Rhyanna ;)
Hi there. I absoultly loved this! (I actually had a tear at the end! ) I really liked how you had one family come in, and you thought that they would take him, but they didn't. I also like the lines: I felt my branches droop. The disappointment loosened my needles, and they started falling off. Because it added some more imagery to the scene. Great job on this, I must say!
Have you ever thought of making this into a children's book?
Hi there. This is an interesting piece, which I found strong from begining to end. I also like how you start out with longer sentences, and then slowly end to just a couple of words per sentence. That gave it a better affect of what you seem to be trying to say.
My only suggestion is that accrossshould be across
Hi there, I think that a lot of people have wondered this, and you did an excellent job of wording this! I really enjoyed the second paragraph, I thought the description was magnificant!
Hi there. This was an interesting concept for a story! You had clear description of each scene, especially the ending in which Gina was eating the chocolate. Gina sounds like a intriguing person to know! I can relate to the chocolate obsession completely!
I could not find a single error in this, great job!
Hi there. I think that you have written about what a lot of people go through. I think that when you meet 'the one', you just know. I think that this has the potential to be a great monologue, but there are a few things:
You need to capitalize your "I"s, and there are a few places that need a period. This just makes the piece seem more polished.
You could add some detail to it, how long have you been together? And also the "Co'z" could be changed into "Because" or even "Cause".
Hi there. I enjoyed this. I just love the words here, so many and each have a strong meaning. The tone of this is exceptional as well. I think that you have captured a lot of people's fears, and thoughts. My only suggestion is for the line: All that's around, me heightens doubt
It sounds a bit awkward and doesn't seem to fit the rest of this.
Other then that, great job!
Take care,
Rhyanna ;)
Hi there. This is truly beautiful, and also very touching. A lot of what you say is powerful and meaning. I do have a few suggestions.
The first part has longer sentences, while the second has a lot of one or two words. I think that it would be a bit better if you used longer ones for the second part. It just makes it stronger.
I also found the second part to be too long. I think that you could delete some, or simply put this into three parts instead of two. It would make it easier to read.
Hi there. I think this is just wonderful! I have yet to see a poem constructed like this here. I also really enjoyed how you used "home" as the last word in this. Every word in this definatly describes "writing.com".
Oh my goodness, I was shocked to read the end! What a great story. I love how you used a different method of suicide then the typical ones. You packed quite a lot of detail into this, just enough, I found. My only suggestions are:
{i...no note to his wife, he the pill boxes destroyed.
You need to delete "he" in this sentence.
When the wife calls, you could make her sound a little more excited, just to make this a bit more emotional.
Hi there. I was really impressed by this. It is really short, but you were able to say a lot, and the descriptions were very vivid as well! I also thought that having a picture was a great idea!
The only suggestion that I have, is to purhaps add "had" in the sentence: why God led me there
Overall , I found this to be a beautiful, serene piece.
This is a very disturbing piece. And I assume that is what you are going for.
You start out by talking about love, and then not again. I think that it would be a bit of a stronger piece if you added some more about love in there. Just the word. Weither it's how you felt about Laura, or money. There is a sentence that is cut off after "spill", it begins a new paragraph after that. You need a period at the end of "...deep breaths" Maybe you could explain why you feel angry. Was there a certain or a series of events? By explaining this, you would make us, the readers, feel more connected to you. create a score of others? --Should this be creates?
Hi there. This was a great piece and there were several parts I enjoyed.
I liked the sentence: Last Saturday, when the winds were calm
This was a awesome line, that set the stage for the poem, I thought.
I also enjoyed the reference to roses, that you mentioned a few times. This brings it together,
My suggestions, however, are as follows: The last line is a little weak, even a differnet word for "squishing" would make a great difference to the poem, overall. Again, "sucks' could there be a better, more powerfull word for this? I'm a little confused over the ending. Did 'he/she' kill themself? Could you make this a little more clear?
I really enjoyed, overall, the word choices here! It has a lot of vivid imagry here.
This was really interesting. You definatly have a wonderful way with words! My only suggestion would be to purhaps break this up into more shorter paragraphs, as it is difficult to read and looks a bit overwhelming. If you even just spaced out them it would make a ton of differnece. I really loved your ending too, it was just perfect!
Rhyanna ;)
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhyanna
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 4:05pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Please don't think I am trying to be mean, I'm not! Just thought I should let you know places where you can recieve more exposer.
Because you do not have any other paragraphs set up with the last line of one, continuing into the next, it sort of makes this abrubt.
) I really liked how you had one family come in, and you thought that they would take him, but they didn't. I also like the lines: