Nice little story here.
I hope it isn't true.
I can simpathize with the speach blank out.
Didn't see the candle fire coming, nice twist.
She should be glad the nylon didn't stick I've had that happen.
Being able to identify with a story is the best complement I can give thanks.
Read you later.
I think you should list this story as sci-fi.
Cool story of inner termoil of a man reflecting his unfaithfulnes on his wife.
I'm not very good with grammar. So I can't comment there.
The only thing that could be improved upon is the line about the type of wood and color it is. The story might be streamlined if it was incorperated into another thought.
sig
Awsome story!
My favorite line is "or space marines, or Mayas, or whatever the case may be.”
“The Maya shot you up?”
The flipent way the information is given in the heat of the moment and the by play was just right.
"forces Coryn to take alternate measures" alternate measures seems off somehow.
Perhaps change meathods, but that doesn't sound right either.
This sentence seems Alien yet familiar. Coryn. “Go time now?”
"He pulls out an unopened bottle of bourbon and opens it up" It's not nesesary to say unopened
as soon as they’re out of the door" isn't nesesary if we know that they are already out of the building.
My grammar isn't top notch but I know what I like.
And I liked this.
I used to use all advice given to me and I had bland stories.
Use what you want pitch the reast.
Read you later.
I'm not very good with grammar so this is my best attempt.
sweat-doused people and petrol also reach my n I don't think that the word also is needed here or something needs to be added like reaches
You can't get this close to the tarmac any more I know I'm being picky.
open door that leads straight onto the tarmac
Capitalize I if i can
I've been told that shorter sentences speed up the pase and I think that is good if you're going for intence emotions.
I never knew that anticipation could have this effect on me. My mouth becomes bland and bone-dry
Cool story! Liked it a lot especially the line'Everything around me disappears and the only sense of mine still working is my sight
I've been there.
Read you later.
I liked your story. The contrast between light and dark as lovers with different back rounds.
The only thing that I noticed in your hole story was the rateing. The inside of the house and the girls problem with the light is a little dark for my young readers and should be a 13+.
Great story!
Read you later.
I liked you story.
Your descripions were very smoothe.
I was secrately hopeing that it was a play between the wife and him.
He wakes to see her there.
Your story leaves me wandering who she was.
Obviouly that was your intention.
Read you later.
I liked you story.
Your discriptions were very moving and enjoyable.
I think it was very logicaly stated.
The hospital the clown and library and back to the clown.
The end was a little creepy with the clown dieing.
Was the man going to kill with the pins or make people laugh?
Read you later.
The discripiions at the start were a little clinical and mecanical. Then I got the progresion and the pace increased. The reseptionist at the end was a nice touch. You can see where the story is going she is to be the last number. I didn't get the fact that a change in class was the reason for the mental problems.
At least this is how I preseved your story.
Nice work!
Read you later!
The hospital was just what I expected for this small town without money for a decent health care system.
I think this first line in your story is to long. Stories need to get readers excited. I have been told shorter sentences are best.
It's just what I expected from a small town hospital. Decent health care is a joke without money.
Or something like that. I was trying to put the word money in the very beginning. Everyone likes money.
The words now and was don't go together. Maybe now and am would work better. Interesting story thanks for the read.
Till date Would this phrase sound better as Till now or up until now.
She was just thirteen then and so was I. Could the word then be eliminated?
stuffed my locker close would the phrase stuffed my locker and closed it work here. My phrase is also off. The things I said here were only thoughts of how I would have done things if my stories were polished like yours.
I like to offer to review another story if you will review one of my 2000 word stories.
They are about people in a nursing home choosing the ends of there lives.
A MAN WHO HAS IT ALL ID #1633235
or
TROUBLE AT HOME ID #1672632
Read you later!
Your descriptions were very vivid. But some of the words used were distracting. One of the unusual ones that I found poetic was unusualness. The entire story seams to almost be a poem. It's interesting that Adam didn't have to die but here we are watching sunsets. I liked your story even tho I had to actually think.
I like to offer an exchange of reviews. If you have one of about 2000 words I will review it in exchange for a review of.
TROUBLE AT HOME ID #1672632
or
A MAN WHO HAS IT ALL ID #1633235
They are both about people who live in a nursing home and choose how to end their days.
I found a couple of words that might be off and left notes for them. I found your tail a little dizzying. Your details were good accurate I think.
The progression from something might be wrong to major medical problem was methodical and easy to understand. I liked this story.
I like to offer a read for a read. I have 2 stories that are about 2000 words long that I need readers for.
If you would read one of mine I would read another of your that is similar in length.
Read you later!
TROUBLE AT HOME ID #1672632
A MAN WHO HAS IT ALL ID #1633235
Your story was almost relaxing in an odd way. But meditation, soothing massages and relaxation techniques are Sci Fi as far as I can see. I didn't see any errors or typos. Machines are easy to provide time is hard to come by in a "Home". I like to return reviews for reviews I have two that are staged in nursing homes and am looking for some reviews.
A MAN WHO HAS IT ALL
TROUBLE AT HOME
Read you later!
This was an interesting story. I particularly liked the count down and the ending where it appears to be cursing the reader. I didn't notice any errors and found it to be a smooth read. The inability to sense things the way we do is an interesting contrast to the way we see. And the way it sees being opposite from our view point was a little different. Read you later!
You definitely seem depressed in your story. My wife is having some trouble with arthritis, not severe but definitely noticeable in everyday life. I applaud your efforts even though fall backs occur. Remember if you hadn't moved forward first, how far back you would be now? I've heard good things about using Wii for exercise. I hope you do well and remember trying doesn't hurt much.
I didn't have anything to pick on and I hope my response to this writing is all the review you need from me.
This is my favorite part of you story. It made me involuntarily quicken my breathing.
"I looked around, searching earth and sky to find the source of this strange creeping sensation. I couldn't see it, but still sensed it's approach. After what seemed like several minutes, I saw and heard the suspect. A long thin gray line was just clearing the horizon. It was silent, well at first any way. As it grew closer it filled all space behind it, becoming darker as it made its approach. It brought a moan that increased to a shriek then a wail."
I put this here just in case you have never read it before, sorry.
You have reviewed me several times and know my vast talents with grammar and spelling. Please put this review in context.
"Now" though, the sun "was" out and the frost was gone.
How do both words work in one sentence? If they can, please reply and expand my knowledge.
If the word that was removed, this sentence wouldn't loose anything. "say that it "
I didn't expect your conclusion I thought a tornado came by.
I realize this story was for a contest and you were forced to use specific prompts.
I realy thought it wasn't like any other story I've read, even Sci Fi fantasy.
This is always my goal.
Your story has a lot of detail, of a subject I know nothing about.
I recognize that you don't have room to educate me.
This fast interaction gives me the same feeling as when I'm in similar situations which means I'm confused.
I didn't notice any technical problems. From me this doesn't mean much.
This is a return review. Your story is realistic, fast paced, and accomplished your goal.
I liked the way you told your story and guided people through the changes you made.
There are a few changes I think could be made.
I think that the first sentence should be cut in at least halves, and reworded.
I think that because in this line would be a little clearer than when
"on her (when/because) she didn't take me seriously"
You definatly made changes in your comunication equipment and I hope it goes well.
I realy don't get the end of this story. What was the granules and how do they tie in with the bottle I had one line that I really liked. I very rarely love a line but Like checking for sea-mail I have a bad memory but it will be a while before I forget that line. What was I saying? I seriously didn't get this story.
I'm afraid that I will pick on several things. The problem is I'm not sure that they are wrong. So I won't change my rating for the ones I'm not sure about. The sentence seems off. I think that it need smoothing.Michelle, limping and one footed, I carrying the two pups. could be. Michelle was limping on one foot and I was carrying the two pups.
I don't think that these are full sentences.living room. And her kitchen. And her dining room. food-store is a grocery store.
This is an interesting story. An from the perspective of the character the view points were accurate. When Genesis says to subdue the earth it doesn't say destroy it. Subduing something means bring it under control. You can't control something if it's gone. This scripture is important to keep in mind when dealing with nature. The four point five is because his death wasn't clear for me. Did he die or not in this story?
This chapter was very readable. It flowed smoothly and had very few flaws. One part that I found interesting was that there were no reinforced bunkers in an old barracks. The dark figure tried in vain to dodge the bolt as it screamed across the room at near light speed. I think that this sentence could be polished. Is he trying to dodge the direction the bolt would go? I know that it was a lame comment. Good read and I look forward to reading the rest. So if you don't like what I have to say quickly shut me down.
This was indeed a fun story. I have a thing with first lines. Your fit your story well, it being an army story started with a martial feel. As a credit card commercial would say the after action report was priceless. Being from a different age I have never streaked, intentionally, and that is all I will say on the matter.
Liked you story and thought it was funny.
Read you later.
Your story has a lot of passion in it. My favorite part of a story is the start and yours was very good. It has the whole story represented in it and all your story's passion. I go second in the contest and I can see why. One of my few fives and a great read.
Read you later.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rjquinnell
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 8:25pm on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
