You've got an interesting mind. *chuckles* I've really enjoyed the two poems I've delved into so far today. You have a wonderful talent for finding extraordinary subject matter and giving me, as a reader, a wonder of possibilities when it comes to exploring creative thinking.
These couplets are put together well and the questions offer a powerful insight into human thinking. I would suppose there are many of us in the universe who have these sorts of questions and wonder if there are any answers.
Suggestions:
Word Confusion: What goal justifies are earthly frame - I struggle to make sense of this line. Perhaps are should be our. The same kind of confusion occurs a few lines down with, Who shall praise, proclaim are valiant fight,.
I also wonder if you've occasionally used a less common word to make the poem 'feel' more intellectual and poetic. Average readers won't bother digging up a dictionary and might get lost in translation.
Rhyme:
You've used some fantastic rhymes, such as: churning - burning
prevail - tail
fight - right
time - sublime
But a few of your rhymes are imperfect: time - mind
tomes - roam
maturity - eternity
frame - insane
Others are a little weak: unbounded - hounded
wrack - back
mind - blind
Punctuation:
This poem is full of questions without answers and while they 'might' be considered rhetoric I feel like there should be question marks. Perhaps it's something open to interpretation; I’m sure others would disagree with me.
There are other areas I feel could be strengthened with emphatic use of punctuation to draw out the pauses and divide sections to sharpen meaning. For example, Shall the answer be revealed, at last, in time. The extra comma gives the line an additional pause and I naturally want to pause there. Again, it's a subjective comment as each reader may find themselves naturally pausing in other places.
Meter:
This poem had some wonderful consistency but there were a couple of lines that felt were a little bumpy with meter issues: lines 4, 8, 9, 10, and 17 (anthropomorphic is a monstrous word to blend into meter).
Imagery:
Finally, some of your images were a little challenging to bring to mind. I struggled with the fifth, sixth, eight and ninth couplets.
My Favorite Part:
I love your final couplet. It's a wonderful way to round off all the questions.
Overall:
I love the way you've connected some fantastic images. Each couplet is a unique, stand alone unite that comes together to form a charged and compelling poem.
I'm sorry this review has taken so long; unfortunately reality sometimes collides with my online commitments. But, as promised here is the first of five reviews gifted to you.
What I Liked:
You've chosen a wonderfully dark and entrancing subject. I get the impressions of fleeting otherworldliness. With a few choice words you lower the theme into the darkness of the underworld.
Vampires come vividly to mind although you really don't give enough detail to crystallize exactly what the 'living dead' are that this poem talks about. The hint is there and it's enticing. It calls readers to discover more, to read again and to delve into the words in search of something that might have been missed.
I think some of the repetition is a creative construct that strengthens this poem. An echo (such as in your first line) is a wonderful way to harmonize that sense of pulsing blood with your words and to give a sense of timing and rhythm to the poem.
The tight couplets also create this pattern and give the poem a speed and a drumming sense of inevitability. Wonderful!
Suggestions:
Rhymes:
I felt some of your rhymes were a little weak.
For example: (again - begin) This is an imperfect rhyme that weakens those two lines. (flood - blood) These two words could be used more dramatically by connecting them to each other with the rest of the lines. The rhyme is a rather obvious one so the use needs to be deliberate. The other option would be to look for something a little less cliché. (higher - desire) Desire is actually a repetition as the same word was used as the end-rhyme of line three. It's not a powerful enough word or line to justify it being used twice. When it's a rhyme that is repeated it's even more obvious and jarring. These four lines are also the only ones that repeat the rhyme sound so closely together. (again - sin) Later you use (again) again (pun intended) which weakens both uses of that word as well. These rhymes have the same imperfection as the first two lines. Sin is a fantastic word so it's worth looking for an alternative word to end the line above with equal impact. (soul - control) These are a fantastic pair.
Repetition:
As I mentioned earlier, I love the repetition tool you've used. "The living dead are here, they're here again," FANTASTIC! I think this could be even more effective if used consistently.
Meter:
I know you haven't written this poem to a specific meter but you might find you can strengthen all the lines by creating a consistency with the pulse of the words. Consider your stresses and see if you can create a pattern to enhance the rhythm of the poem as a whole.
My Favorite Part:
Feel the pain burning down in your soul,
Feel the hunger your losing control.
Overall:
I think you have a wonderful foundation for an evocative and sensational poem. It's rich and vivid. I really enjoyed the expressions and impressions this poem brought to mind and I love the concept. I haven't had the opportunity to read many supernatural poems and it's inspiring to consider the possibilities.
This is such a touching poem and I can relate to the emotions through my own experiences with bipolar. The masks and that sense of being disconnected from the world and even from reality are difficult to live through. You've conveyed that sense of disconnection with this poem, I think the freeform style suits it very well and your easy and occasionally imperfect rhyme scheme adds to that fractured sense.
There are a couple of great images, they stood out from the rest of the poem as the sharpest lines and I mentioned a couple of them as my favorite parts below.
I think you've touched on a powerful set of emotions. Because you feel it so deeply within yourself you have the backing of experience to echo that emotion in poetry. You convey it with an understated elegance. There is just enough distance that readers, won’t be drawn down to the depths of the poem. I think the point of view (POV) helped to create the sense of watching, and coming to understand, rather than giving the reader the staring role. This works very well.
Suggestions:
Don't forget your spell check. I noticed 'durring' in the paragraph introduction but recommend you spell check everything before posting. It doesn't catch everything but it definitely helps catch a little of what reading may miss. Also in the first paragraph watch your capital letters.
Beware the dreaded yodaism. That's what I call it when a sentence is contorted in structure. Usually it's done to fit a rhyme and it's not uncommon in some of the poetry in past centuries. In today's world however it's discouraged, especially in freeform poetry, because it's harder to read. These days readers like poetry to feel natural, to read naturally off the tongue so it is important to avoid jumbling your sentence structure.
I would encourage the imagery. Look for the power words; the ones that don't change in interpretation as much as others. The word, 'love' for example is one of the most abstract because every person has their own opinion of what love should be. 'Sadness' and 'darkness' are other examples of weaker words, there are more powerful alternatives that could deepen the poem as a whole and give it a sharper tug on emotions for readers.
Finally double and triple check your grammar. You use it but there are places where it could be tightened up. I find that removing line breaks and treating poetry as if it's prose helps in cases like this. By removing line breaks you can see how the sentences are woven into the poem and use the grammar check function to help you work out where some parts might be improved. Also, read it out loud and be aware of where your breathing and your tongue wants to pause. Read it without line breaks and if you find yourself wanting to pause you probably need punctuation at that point.
My Favorite Part:
She reaches out for help, yet says she’ll do it alone
Her sins not even her own soul can condone
The alone/condone rhyme is wonderful and while there is a little 'yodaism' (see above for definition) the message of the lines are wonderful.
The darkness is heavy, a load she can’t carry alone,
She knows the number but can’t reach the phone.
Another ‘alone’ rhyme, which is fine and the alone/phone is very well done. The imagery of the phone aspect is powerful. It shows the helplessness and insecurity brilliantly. Have you considered: The darkness is heavy, she can't bare the weight alone,
she knows the number, but can't reach the phone.?
Little tweaks like that don't change the meaning but can strengthen the language.
Overall:
I think it's fantastic that you can express yourself so powerfully. Sometimes we can lose ourselves on the lows and sometimes we can see more clearly. Taking one of those crystal moments and creating something touching and flowing with melancholic beauty is wonderful. Poets should use their emotions, it allows us to reach out and connect with readers. You do that brilliantly with this piece.
Thank you for hosting such a wonderful concept on WDC. I really appreciate The Lemon Stands support of the "Invalid Item" . I've just donated (from my personal stash not the group) to help this wonderful cause. Thank you for all you give back to the WDC community.
I love your introductory quote. It impacts on the message of the poem and offers a stark sense of emotion and humanity. In so many battles the men are stripped of their individuality. They are an 'army' or a 'troop' and the role of each man is rarely remembered for he is not remembered other than to carve his name amongst hundreds on the stones of our memorials.
I really loved the way this poem too the voice of ONE man, a General. I think it's fantastic that you seeded that deep sense of regret and waste he felt. In movies or retellings of these situations they tend to portray the steal determination of the superior officers. Orders are given and sometimes mistakes are made. These men can't apologize, it would undermine their authority and demoralize the troops but it doesn't mean they don't feel that regret to the depth of their core. I imagine it would be harder to have lead and lived then to have followed orders and died.
You have so many fantastic, powerful words that evoke strong images. The POV voice is strong and emotive and the scenic descriptions really bring me into the environment. Wonderfully done!
Suggestions:
Punctuation:
There are a few points where I feel the lines would be strengthened by adding some caesura (internal punctuation), particularly commas. For example: They raced up the ramparts through the hail
of lead, wavering only in the arms of death.
No decisive battle, nor desperate last stand,
Not even freeing our fellow man.
I wonder if the line break here could be sharper: For the glory of a nation; perhaps the
Conquest of new lands For the glory of a nation; perhaps
The conquest of new lands
My Favorite Part:
Voices cried from the depths of the fort
Begging for mothers and cursing God above
Their agony and heartache a cross to bear
for what?
I love how he calls to question the purpose behind all this suffering. The voices are tangible and the agony and heartache palpable. So is the sense of despair and shades of guilt and grief. Despite all this the POV character continues, loyal, honorable, doing as he must because it's his duty. It doesn't stop him questioning within himself but his own concerns have little to do with the chain of command he must follow.
I think it's wonderful that you've captured this mans sense of responsibility. So many times I wonder if man of his status could only give the commands by blaming them on their superiors. This warrior feels the oppressive responsibility. It rests firmly on his shoulders. Yes, he's following orders but he's also very conscious of his right to choose not to if he did not have the courage it took to lead well.
Overall:
I think this is a remarkable poem. You've selected exactly the right categories and offered a great trilogy that blend well with each other. I'd like to see this published. It definitely has potential if you can find the right market.
This poem is touching, vibrant, vivid, powerful, and suitably solemn. You've done an excellent job putting a voice into the words and showing war in all its glory-less glory.
Wow, there is some stunning imagery in this beautiful poem and I found myself reading it more than once to bask in the language. You've captured some powerful words with perfectly understated alliteration.
I really enjoyed the polar points of day and night, both beginnings and endings in the circle and each needing the other to be whole. Coupling the mother creator aspect of the moon with the father protector adds another dimension to that vital balance we all experience in life. I think your poem is a lovely reflection on the mirrored aspects of life and nature and how while each is unique to itself they're very similar.
Suggestions:
Drusy? Wow, a word I had to look up. *chuckles* Of course with the dictionary definition in hand I was left wondering how it could be used in context with the sky. I had trouble creating an image of the sky packed in a splatter of tiny crystal fragments. I think it's a wonderful idea to have the definition of the uncommon word at the end. I'd already dictionary.com'ed the definition but many readers won't be interested enough in language to do that.
Of course, having said that about the 'drusy sky' I do think it’s a fantastically alliterative word to follow 'blues'. It would be a shame to lose the word. A part of me wonders if cloud cover could create the drusy effect but the image isn't clear. The rest of your imagery is sharp and captivating so this one stands out I suspect.
My only other suggestion relates to meter. I know this is free verse but I felt some of the lines were out of balance. They obviously don't have to follow a specific meter but a noticably short line followed by a longer line would trip my tongue.
For example: Bask within Her chilly glow;
Singing wind on skin your true insight."
For some reason this line suggests an alternative, "Skin-sung wind your true insight." That mightn't work for what you're trying to express. It's just what comes to my mind when I think of how I'd balance the line if it were one of my own. *ponders* Sung wind on skin could work too, the shortening of that single syllable seems to make a difference when I say the lines.
My Favorite Part:
Oh, I actually have three favorite parts.
Snap passion’s flash with the inner eye.
Freeing a compass aligned to the new:
The infinite path, the eternal start.
and
Inhale the rainbow mist
All three are vibrant with imagery and sensation. These lines involve powerful words that invoke a sense of awe and strength that appeals to me as a reader.
Overall:
I think you've created an enriching poem. It's a remarkable poem given the contest and thus prompts it must have been written for. I'm always amazed by some of the creativity that is sparked by these sorts of challenges when connected with a talented poet. Good luck and I hope you win.
I really love your sharp imagery and the focus of this poem. You have a message that rings out loud and clear. There are people in aged care all over the world and many of them have lost their sense of self and their pride. Getting old is a challenging concept (one I know you're paranoid about ) but your poem expresses the individuality of this one man and his place in the world.
You express your subject with an honest integrity that inspires respect. This man, while old, deserves so much more than the ending that looms before him. The life he's lived deserves to be revered and appreciated. As a culture we tend to put our aged family into nursing homes thinking that they're getting a quality of life there. Entertainment, meals, private rooms, being cared for 24/7, etc. The reality of those places, especially from the point of view of a resident, can be very different.
I really enjoyed the way you've covered this with poetry as well. Moderately balanced syllable counts and structure create a solidarity that is empowering. The layout and the language adds to the sense of solumn respect. Choosing not to endrhyme also adds that mature aspect that conveys the subject beautifully.
Suggestions:
I only have a couple of minor suggestions. Firstly, take care with your punctuation. You've done a very good job with that aspect already but there were a couple of points I noticed.
For example:
Line 9 ends in a period and line ten begins with 'and'. The final line should end in a period as well.
I find the best way to check my punctuation is to remove the line spaces and read the poem as if it's prose. Especially with a poem like this that is actually mostly prose poetry. There is a story told creatively and broken into poetic form. It works well for this topic but it does mean you need to be extra careful with your punctuation.
Line 4: He shuffles on slipper shod feet down a hall
I felt 'the' would work better than 'a'. Particularly since you use 'a' in the next line as well. 'The' would focus the subject more on this particular man which helps keep the subject emotional and reflective. Sometimes it's better to encompass all your energy on a smaller subject to highlight how it expands. Focusing on the single man instead of aged care residents in general allows you to create a personal aspect (which you've done very well when you remember your subject character) while also creating an awareness of the universal aspects.
Lines 10, 11, 12, and 13 equate to what would be considered a fragment. The 'and as' of line 10 make us expect more. The description of his activities is wonderful however so perhaps cutting those two words and adding a descriptive for the room in line 10 would create a solid sentence.
Similarly in lines 14, and 15. Perhaps He languishes... and wonders...?
My Favorite Part:
I love your opening. It takes the single subject and encompases the global aspect.
Nobody heard him, the forgotten man.
A pitiful specter too often seen within
the sad depressing places we keep the old.
Stunning and beautiful in it's simplicity.
Overall:
My mother is a AIN in an aged care home so she see's people like this all the time. The wonderful thing about knowing of the care aspect is that I know at least where she works, when she's working, each of the residence has someone who see's and hears them as individual people. She grows to love many of the residence and is truly pained when they pass away. I guess that means there is hope that not all aged care homes are white cages for the elderly.
I really enjoyed this poem and look forward to reading more of your work. You show skill with imagery and create an emotional connection while remaining fairly aloof. In this case that works very well. Also, another very big welcome to the "Invalid Item" . You mentioned being very new to writing poetry and I really would love to know more about your experiences with it in college. I think you'd really enjoyed "Invalid Item" . It is in no way all encompassing but it might give you some ideas and inspire you to write more poetry.
*ponders* This is an interesting capture of the confusion and emotional insecurity of being in a relationship. I think you've done a fantastic job pulling together the elements of a kind of love/hate relationship. Needing but not wanting to need. Longing but not wanting to long for. Accepting that sometimes we don't have the power over our emotions that we wish we could have.
Suggestions:
Well the only thing I found a problem for me was the size of the text and all in bold. I know it's meant to appear like shouting frustration and I guess for that reason it makes sense. I'm too warped by my sense of asthetics on the web. Web design history and my own dyslexia has taught me what my eyes can withstand reading. I'm thankful the poem isn't a very long one or I mightn't have made it to the end. *chuckles*
That of course is purely a personal peeve though. I'm sure others wouldn't have the same issue and your own personal preference should always come to the fore in that sense. I was just commenting as an observation based on my own opinion as with all my comments.
My Favorite Part:
Thinking it out, I know I’m fooling myself.
Like an old book, I’ve put my heart on a shelf.
I love the simile here. I guess I resonate with books and putting aside love and hope out of fear or anger. These two lines really focus the turning point in the poem and bring about the fact that she knows how crazy her emotions are. It creates a counter and the first two lines of the stanza after this one are fantastic too. Focused on taking a chance.
Overall:
Beautifull expressed. This poor woman is locked into her own turmoil and uncertain where to head. I can't imagine what the lover must feel at her rejection. Holding on because he knows, deep down, that she doesn't mean it too. I hope he can continue holding on and that she eventually finds the peace within her to let herself love without being afraid.
I really love how you've taken the point-of-view of a loved one, in this case the victim's mother and shown how abuse and kidnapping can affect more than just the child abducted. The damage touches so many lives, most significantly the loved ones. Not knowing creates a great deal of pain and you've focused on that aspect in this poem to great affect.
Suggestions:
I crumble from the heartache before breaking down and cry - Line 9
Beware of your tense here. Perhaps I crumble from the heartbreak. I break down and cry.
I cannot bear to look at the toys my little one did cherish - Line 18
Inversion again. You could sharpen this by removing 'did'. Doing so would also strengthen the rhyme. I cannot bear to look at the toys that my little one cherished
In line 1 and line 16 you seem to create an abstract relationship between the POV and the subject. You clarify that it's the mother's POV later in stanza 3 and I feel like instead of "A" little boy and "THE" little boy it would strike more to the heart if you allowed both of those to be My little boy. Let her own him because in this sort of situation she won't be able to put any distance between them by associating him with other boys.
For some reason I was also feeling the last line of each stanza as, Oh, how we miss him! I'm not sure why exactly, perhaps it relates to the shortness of syllables in that line compared to the rest. Creating a pause there with the breath captured exclaimation at the beginning of the line lengthens the line for me creating more balance.
My Favorite Part:
A little boy who never knew a stranger in his life,
Enlightened our lives each day with a smile so bright,
Until one day it happened, and he was swept away
Stolen by a madman on that all too tragic day
This is a fantastic start to this poem. It captures two points, the vibrancy of the child and the horror of the situation. You create a flow here and an interest that pushes me forward wanting to read more, to keep flowing.
Overall:
Thank you for sharing another heart touching poem about the tragedy that goes on in our world and how it affects the lives of all those involved.
I really enjoyed all four of these poems in this folder and I hope you'll go on spreading the word and writing about abuse in all it's forms.
Another touching poem that captures the way lives can be stolen. This boys focus is on his father and a part of me wonders if maybe, just maybe, this woman really IS his mother and his Daddy isn't coming. It's heartbreaking to think that might be possible but then being stolen from a loving family and raised by a woman who is obviously unstable is tragic as well.
Suggestions:
*ponders* Suggestions, well perhaps be careful with your rhymes. Some of them feel forced and there are one or two that are imperfect that caused me to falter when I was reading.
Another factor to consider that perhaps had more to do with the rhyming aspect as some of the inversions. "with her I am to remain" leaps out most prominently but there are other lines where the natural structure of the line is twisted slightly to fit the rhyme.
These aspects always detract from my enjoyment of a poem and the depths I feel when reading them. It's like hearing someone suddenly revert to a different language when singing in english. There are occasions when it works but most of the time it draws us away from the music to focus on the changes instead of the beauty.
My Favorite Part:
I’ll keep thinking of you and hoping you’ll find me
As I keep on praying daddy, can you hear me?
I’ll continue praying until you come…daddy, can you hear me?
These final three lines wrap up the desperation in this boys voice. It brings us back to the title and the true meaning of this poem, refining everything else into this little boys simple prayer.
Overall:
Again capturing the heart and tears of a child on the page is a beautiful idea. You reach out to the world with your words and show the darker side of life that some people are afraid to admit exists. With people like you in this world these children can cling tighter to their hope of surviving.
Again you touch on the subject of being abducted and abused. This time the child is left in uncertainty, hoping and with courage which would be what saves him/her from giving up. Anger and hatred are strong emotions that help us fight against adversity. S/he understands that what is happening to him/her is wrong and fights against the unfairness even as s/he realizes that there is a great deal s/he cannot do one his/her own.
Suggestions:
I felt kind of disappointed by this poem but perhaps it's mostly related to how intense "DON'T FORGET ME, MOMMY" is in comparison. This one doesn't tap those emotional depths to the same degree.
I think the couplet rhyming scheme detracts from the power this poem could have. In a way it creates a childish voice which is appropriate but I didn't feel a connection with the subject.
The inversions also made me wince with this poem. Small am I, feels difficult to say and it leads me to a strange kind of warping. I feel it could have been just as, if not more, effective to structure it with the more common, I am small,
My Favorite Part:
Small am I, yet I still yearn to be free
To return to my loved ones, my family
I really enjoy these two lines because they cling to hope and negate the line above where this child states, "I could care less if I live or die." Obviously s/he DOES care, yearning to be free to return to family.
Overall:
I think it's wonderful that you focus some of your poetry on the tragic essense of this world. Child Abuse is a huge factor that needs to be faced, challenged, and righted. No child deserves this sort of torment. That you face this with the power of words shows your own inner courage. Thank you for sharing.
*sighs sadly* This is a truly touching poem Sherri. I was predicting the ending but even so a part inside always hopes that it won't turn out that way. No child deserves to suffer and it's always heartbreaking when the torture is more than could be born. A part of me looks back and thinks she's lucky to have reached that path but it's from the knowledge of how much the suffering continues afterward even if she'd escaped.
You capture the emotions and the longings of this little girl. It raised my heartrate with the immediacy aspect pulled in with your tense and as a mother and a survivor touched on fear already well seated in my personality. I would hope that no one could remain untouched by this girls plea but I also know that there are people out there who would, like the person who did this to her.
Suggestions:
The only thing that nags at me is the tone. The words used are very adult, particularly in the last stanza where she names the 'rape' and 'beatings'. I struggle to stay with her there because those terms aren't what a child would use. At least they're not what my own inner child uses and they're not terms my own children use. Perhaps this girl is older.
Normally I'd also point out punctuation here but in this case I felt that the lack of periods (full-stops) worked in your favor. It kept the urgency present. The sense of her calling out without pausing, hurried, desperate.
My Favorite Part:
Forgive me mommy, for I prayed for death each day
I just couldn’t endure the torture inflicted this way
These two lines truly capture this girls desperation and pain. She's feeling so guilty for wanting it all to end and she's lost her ability to believe that there might be other choices. It's a turning point from hoping to escape to giving in to her powerlessness.
Overall:
The suffering of a child is always the hardest thing to bare. A child has no power and no understanding that when this happens it's not their fault and they often don't have the strength to survive. It makes me very aware of how many children DON'T make it. We see adult survivors and often focus on the endurance, sometimes it's hard to forget the many who just don't make it.
Hopefully poetry like this, and the work of survivors and loved ones around the world can help the world see. Perhaps we can protect more children and prevent this sort of thing happening. I know it's perhaps too much to believe it could ever be stopped completely. But saving even one child, makes a remarkable difference in the world.
*ponders* Well this poem makes me think that some 'male' of our species was being a jerk when you wrote it. lol We face those occasions don't we? When the expectations of others start to combat against what we want from ourselves.
In this case I want to tell the woman in the poem that she should be herself and if he doesn't want that then walk away. Because no one should ever change who THEY want to be inside to suit someone else. There will be someone strong enough who can handle the confident, intelligent, woman. There will be someone who can deserve her.
You have managed to capture what I'm sure a lot of women face at one point or another. This insecurity that we aren't good enough and the frustration that men and women face a double standard in society and therefore in each others minds as well. What is acceptable from one point of view is not in the other. All we can really do is strive to create a balance I suppose.
Suggestions:
*ponders* I don't have any suggestions. *chuckles* I always feel guilty when I have no suggestions, especially since again I'm not rating the poem as perfect. For what it is there is nothing 'wrong' with it. The questioning aspect is part of what makes this poem what it is and all the other aspects work well together.
I suppose what makes it imperfect from my own reader perspective is that it's too surface. It doesn't reach deeply and it doesn't create a world, a reality. It doesn't give us a connection with these two people, the asker and the asked. It allows us to reflect on how we can feel that way in our own lives but it doesn't make us feel it.
Does that make sense? But as I said, for this poem it isn't meant to and there are no changes I feel need to be made for this poem to be what it is.
My Favorite Part:
Tell me now, what do you see when you look at me?
Your ideal woman? Or your worst nightmare?
This really wraps up the poem completely. The rest of the poem focuses on why some men might find her imperfect in a 'lady' sense of the word. The expectations of what makes a woman worthy are all stereotypical but it doesn't focus on who she really is. The final couplet strips away all the stereotype and just lays her there, as she is and forces a choice. Something I think we all have to do in a relationship at some point. Strip away all that access and say, "Love me, or don't."
Overall:
Another wonderfully expressed poem. You've a real talent for words and I love the way you use your vocabulary to effect. I believe poetry is about finding the 'right' words. The strong words. The ones that matter and mean exactly what you're trying to mean instead of substituting. You always seem to find the words that matter and it creates powerful works.
Thanks for sharing your poetry and I hope you've found my reviews helpful. I've enjoyed my wander through your poetry folder.
The title and image of this poem had me expecting something very different and I'm intrigued by the way you pull Him into a moment. I've never experienced snow in my lifetime and I struggle to imagine anything but the beauty and the pale, pristine sense of a world washed of all darkness and brought into the blinding light of His creation.
Your poem shows that even in that wonderment it's possible to feel awash with grief and fear, loneliness and pain. It's possible, surrounded by His touch on the world, to need to reach out to Him and feel His caring touch you specifically instead of just the world that touches your eyes.
You capture the emotion, the turmoil and dispair mixed with an aching hope and longing beautifully. Most of your words focus on emotion, they've very internal, less imagery but it works very well with this peice.
Suggestions:
You've done a fantastic job creating a flowing essence and beauty with this poem. It echoes like a path through the snow. My only suggestion relates to my common nitpik about punctuation.
You have some, very little, and I feel like you could strengthen your meaning by focusing on where the punctuation would have most effect. Adding a little more caesura. Take away the line breaks and let yourself read it in single breaths etc. to see where the punctuation is most needed to sharpen specific aspects of each stanza.
My Favorite Part:
Guide me through these desolate hours
As I try to make sense of the world in which I live
My sadness shall not overcome me
My misery shall not be my downfall.
I love these lines because they show that in reaching out she has the courage within. She's making a stand here and choosing not to be conquered by the negative emotions that wash over her. Instead she's reaching out and it's in doing that she'll find the strength to survive.
He embraces us all in our moments of need, but it's only in reaching out and feeling for Him and asking for His help that we can ever truly feel it.
Overall:
Beautifully expressed. Thank you so much for sharing this and your wonderment in your own faith.
Another shorter poem with fewer reviews. This one is almost the reverse in shape to the form of "Seize the Day" . You've done a fantastic job with what is again another difficult form.
Your poem captures in sharp relief a very serious aspect of society. Your words capture that aspect very well and I found myself thinking that you've done a masterful job bringing fourth strong emotions in so few words.
Suggestions:
I feel like the whole poem could be stronger if the first word were emphasised.
"Justice!"
they demand,
accusatory eyes upon...
My Favorite Part:
the Negro cursed with the
dark hue that is his burden to bear
It really does capture an aspect of our communities and our systems that presents a them and us. It makes me wonder how many Negro's suffer their differentness and the unfairness of the discrimination associated by race. We all want to be accepted and many try to conform instead of loving and appreciating our uniqueness.
Overall:
A far reaching topic that sparks a lot of thought. You've put together a remarkable poem that barely touches the surface yet leaves a lasting impression. Thank you for sharing.
Well I was choosing the poetry in your folder with the least reviews hoping to be of help and then see this one is really short so perhaps it's lacking reviews simply because there is so little one can say about so few words.
The form is a very strange one. I'm used to poetry with balance and timing but this form creates something new and challenging. In a way it works very well with your subject because the longer first lines lead in with the laziness of waking up in the morning and then as lines grow shorter it's like the body coming to attention as it wakes up.
Suggestions:
I have two comments more than suggestions. The first is that when I read the form I noticed that your version is missing a line that would have been included in the exact "Boonstra Brain Function Form". The form has seven lines and the third (which seems to be missing) is 9 words long.
My other suggestion relates to punctuation. You use a comma in your fourth line to create the pause between thoughts there but you could create a sharper meaning by fully punctuating this peice. The comma could be a period with a second period at the end of reality.
Neither are required so feel free to take or not either of my comments.
My Favorite Part:
forcing me
to face
reality
Oh how I'm sure we all know this feeling. I know on my low days it's tempting to stay in bed and NOT face reality, to NOT face the world. It makes me wish you'd had another stanza telling us all how to conquer those feelings and actually WANT to 'Seize the Day'.
Overall:
This is a very clever poem and I hope you were pleased with where the prompt took you. You've captured a sensation that I'm sure many people (perhaps all people) could resonate with.
Your mixture of expressive words and alliterative connections create something that is interesting. I find myself reading it time and again because an advantage of it being short is that it's enjoyable every time.
Ok, lets try this again. I spent 30 minutes writing this review yesterday then it got gobbled up by the site but I'm back at last and can try again. Note to self: Never trust web forms, always copy first.
This is such a wonderful story poem. I love your strong descriptive words. The kind that brings sharp images to mind. "Mulberry Woods" instead of something weaker. You pull together so many wonderful pictures with your words and capture the emotions and the actions of your characters.
The ABCeDarius Form is a very difficult form to do well but you've created something truly lovely. It's more prose then poetry since the line breaks tend to detract from everything but the form but in this case it works very well.
Suggestions:
Um... I remember having two suggestions. Now I have to remember what they were. lol
Ohh, one of them was that I felt this poem might benefit from having the words that are spoken within quotes.
The other was line 11. Kiss from the mischievous impish fairy. Perhaps a comma between 'mischievous' and 'impish' as they are both descriptives of the fairy?
My Favorite Part:
Fingers tapped restlessly upon gossamer wings as she
Gave a light whistle of pleasure and rose to her feet.
Hopping out to meet him in a cloud of tiny butterflies
I really loved the verbs used here that describe perfectly the way she moved and the emotions she felt. Mixing it with beautiful images that capture the wonder of her in this form helps us see why the man might be so enraptured by her.
Overall:
I really enjoyed this wonderful tale. It reminded me of plays in the theatre and I could bring to mind the stage with the scene unfolding upon it. I'm not sure when/if Jessica will be back to finish off the contest but I wish you the best of luck with it.
*chuckles* What a delightful little poem. It reminds me of a childrens book called Invisible except the 'alien' was the invisible one causing all the havok like walking with dirty feet on the ceiling and leaving purple hair in the hairbrush.
I started thinking of a fairly young children when I started reading. I usually do because of the age of my own children but as I read there were aspects that made the child in my mind older. Short-sheeting the bed for example would require at least the knowledge of a preteen. Or at least my six year old wouldn't have any idea what that is. But it still worked well.
Suggestions:
Actually I have none. Wait... Let me go back and have another read to see if I can nitpik. lol *pauses* *frowns* Nope, nothing. How am I supposed to write a balanced review if I find no faults?
My Favorite Part:
*ponders* Favorite part... It's hard to choose but I think I'd have to choose stanza three as my favorite:
I’d sneak up slowly next to you
And pinch you while you slept.
Nibble your nose, tickle your toes
I’d trip you as you stepped.
In this stanza there is no twist to the words to fit the rhyme. I didn't fault the twisting elsewhere in the poem because with the voice of a child it's appropriate but the artist in me still objects to that I guess but this stanza is perfect.
Overall:
I have a lovely time reading this and thank you (or whoever did it) for sponsering this poem. I hope you get a lot of reviews but "If I Were Invisible" is truly delightful. Thank you!
*sighs sadly* I could feel it coming but it was still a wrench to read the final line. I love how you closed with that, it was simple, understated, but smacked the point right home like a shot to the chest. You needed no more words after that and I'm glad you didn't try to expand on it when you didn't need to.
I found myself at one point a little confused about their exact relationship. I shouldn't have been because it's very clear early on exactly who they are and what their relationship is. I think it was something about paragraph three that confused me. Perhaps it's because I can't imagine a mother and son having that conversation. It's the way our own lives are shaded that can change the way everything we read touches us.
You did a fantastic job of setting the scene and giving Nancy an aura of frail desperation. She's clinging to hope and in the beginning it's clear that she's very afraid he won't come. I suspect however she was like this every year because there was always the chance he'd never come home. It makes me wonder how long she sat and after collapsing in exhaustion to sleep curled in his chair would she wake in the morning? Or would the grief take her heart in the night? If she survived would she remain dry eyed in the coming months and years, facing life as a shell and never giving into grief because of her promise, one she vowed to keep to eternity.
Obviously the fact that I'm left with all these questions means you did a fantastic job of bringing this character to life. Flash fiction is very difficult do pull together and create an emotional depth while bringing about all the elements that make it a story. I know, because I've tried and failed many times. While the climax in this is right near the end with no decline it's solid and pulls all the points of the story to sharp relief which is perhaps what leaves the lasting impact so sad and fragile like the woman it focused on.
I don't know how your story will compare with other entries. You should read what others wrote and entered but you should definately submit this. It's really beautiful and my chest is still tingling with the lingering sensations of grief and sadness.
Thank you for sharing and I'm really glad you asked me to read this. *hugs*
Yours Truly, Rebecca Laffar-Smith
This is a touching poem capturing a moment in simple emotion and a creative form that sharpens the image pulling all of these fragments into a single, very strong turning-point.
Suggestions:
I had a little trouble with, The bridge is laughing. I can't picture a bridge laughing. Perhaps the bubbling brook under a bridge could laugh but the bridge itself tends to just sit there.
My Favorite Part:
A single rose
And one line of prose
His heart is waiting
The gifts he brings to the fore when asking the great question. This is beautifully done, in three lines you pull together a moment so many men have faced through the ages.
Overall:
This poem embodies k.i.s.s but there is so much depth in the union of words and a wealth of emotion capture by observations. The listing form seems to sharpen this, increasing the expectancy of the moment and the element of being singled out from everything else around him. Beautifully done.
This is a fantastic article and while I already knew most of the vital points I enjoyed reading your outlook and reasoning. You express your points clearly and with a wonderful asthetics that encouraged me to continue reading. I also enjoyed your strong, friendly voice.
Suggestions:
None!
My Favorite Part:
I found your Six Key Characteristics For Reviews the most interesting and unique part of your article. I've read others online (some of which you included as links for further reading) and they mention some of these aspects and a great deal more about the things you commented on outside of these six points. The way you presented the six points and explained their importance made an interesting and educational read.
Overall:
Wonderful work and yet another brilliant WDC guide. I'm surprised I haven't come across this sooner and think it would be fantastic if more people would review with these aspects in mind. WDC makes so many efforts to encouraged balanced reviews and I know I particularly love getting detailed well rounded reviews myself. One of the things I find most frustrating is getting rave reviews when I know something isn't working but can't put my finger on what it is. lol
Anyway, thank you so much for putting together such a helpful peice.
This peice holds a great deal of heartfelt emotion and some creative imagery that draws out the expressions. I love the way you focused on the little details to encompass something expansive.
You've got a great selection of descriptive words that create a wonderful measure of senses and help define the longing expressed in this poem.
Suggestions:
I can't find anything to recommend changing in this peice. I did feel that some aspects were perhaps too abstract but for some reason that really works here. It leaves a great deal open to a readers interpretation which gives each reader their own unique perspective. I imagine that each reader would find something completely different and meant only for themselves when reading this.
My Favorite Part:
It's hard to pick a favorite part explicitly. I love the internal rhyme and you've made masterful use of enjambement that connects multiple images in a single train of thought.
I suppose if I had to pick I'd go with the three aspects of time and your portrayal of the longing in such an age. Three lifetimes of planets
four spans of the universe's collapse
five moments of tears for those years.
Stunning!
Overall:
I really enjoyed reading this. It feels heartfelt and it makes me wonder who Zmitri is and of a love that's all encompassing as this love is. There is a depth in this that makes me want to look beyond the obvious. I feel like this could be an afterlife calling, twin souls that reach across eternity to meet. *sighs* I guess I'm a true romantic at heart. Wouldn't it be paradise to find a love like that?
Wow, it's kind of interesting reading fan fic about a show I watch regularly. Seeing how you twist the characters slightly and really create something different from the basic concept. I'm trying to remember if I've seen Booth and Bones talk about children. I'm pretty sure they've covered it but I don't think the scene could have happened like that since they are very deliberate not to act on any sort of attraction that might be there. (At least so far in where Australia is up to with the series. Other countries might be seeing into the future. )
Suggestions:
One thing that gave me pause was her acceptance to the idea of step-children. I mean in her position, with her intelligence, her reasons for not wanting children would be solid and reasonable. Those reasons I expect would incorporate ALL children in her life not just her biological offspring. The only significant factors that would really give a woman pause to the idea of having her own children would be medical. I had the impression this particular womans objected extended into lifestyle factors and those wouldn't differ if she married into children, adopted, or whatever.
Of course we don't get enough information from this scene to conclude anything about this version of Booth and Bones.
I just wanted to mention that I've always been wary of fan fiction since there are degrees of copyright infringement. Character names etc. even the scene has a very familiar sense about it.
My Favorite Part:
Setting the scene.
You did an excellent job with the first paragraph of setting the scene. It's not really hooking but then this scene feels like it's in the midst of a bigger story so perhaps there is a hook prior this. Your opening paragraph however brought together a solid image of the location and gave some vital impressions about your main characters. Brilliantly done.
Overall:
You have written an enjoyable peice with a great layout and easily read grammar and punctuation. You've obviously put a lot of time into writing this well. I really enjoyed reading. I love "Bones" too, it's a great program.
*chuckles* You know, heart-worming really is a good way to introduce this. *grins* Poor Thomas, *sighs* intelligence is not a trait redeamable for a turkey. Especially, when not accompanied by wisdom.
You've created a delightful flash fiction Robert. Perfect for the Thanksgiving holiday's. Enjoy your own turkey. I hope you'll introduce it to your family as Thomas.
This is a fantastic forum that focuses on some important issues that writers face and opens a line of communication between people who put their writing as a high priority in their lives. I think it's wonderful this opportunity you offer all the writers of WDC, Liam. Thank you so very much.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 9:10pm on Apr 01, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
But, as promised here is the first of five reviews gifted to you. 
) but your poem expresses the individuality of this one man and his place in the world.
)