I begin this critic by reminding you I'm not a seasoned writer nor a veteran critic. These are just my opinions, and this is your story - so you know what is best for it. :)
Summary
I think this was a lovely read. It's a wonderful premise, something most writers would relate to. With a little restructuring and more insight into the character as such, this would be a beautiful piece.
Opening
Solid, but honestly, I think the last paragraph was the one I read the fastest. I think this was because there was finally something that was happening that helped me understand the protagonist as a character. The first few paragraphs just had setting descriptions that gave us a very, very tiny window into the character's mind. While I enjoyed the visuals of the park, I couldn't help but wonder where this was going, and it was a long journey to get there. The last paragraph was the best part, but sadly, it was very little compared to the rest.
Conflict
There isn't really a conflict here - internal or external. Why did he suddenly decide to act on this daydream of a daydream? What was different about today? I think that tiny detail would add more texture to your story and the character.
Plot
It's about a man who finally starts living through his writing - that's my interpretation of it. And I loved it. But like I'd mentioned before, it would be great if you could add a turning point to be character's life to explain his decision that fateful day.
Setting
I love the vivid description of the park, the sights and the smells. I'm just glad he couldn't smell anything nasty from the bathrooms near by ;)
Characters
There's just one - the narrator. I don't think you need a physical description here. This piece is beyond it. But a little more insight into the character's mind would be nice, apart from the setting description. This would help the reader relate more. Isn't that why people read in the first place? :)
POV
The first person narrative works brilliantly.
Language
I think a few paragraph breaks in the first paragraph would do wonders.
Following sentences needs to be broken down -
'I lay stretched out, flat on my back, and stare into the darkness with the echoes of the night ringing in my ears as my mind wanders off into that far off parallel time that exists only in my mind, always starting off with me sitting on a park bench.'
'In front of me are the play-sets; one a large structure that contains a high tower with two giant curving slides traversing down in a curvature angle along with a series of walkways with different climbing apparatuses such as a rope wall and some monkey bars.'
Following sentence suddenly switches tense from present to future -
'Occasionally, a walker will give a gentle.. '
Following lines can be simplified or just removed -
After a few minutes I can feel the weight of my body pressing against the wooden boards of the bench and my feet crossed as they stretch out before me.
The sentence feels a little cumbersome. I think it would do too just say he stretched his feet, in all the times it occurs.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work. I can only hope my comments are at least a little helpful.
Premise: Love it. For somebody who grew up with two siblings, and a mom to a toddler who now only ever wants to eat what's on my plate, this piece was hilarious and quite relatable.
Characters: I like how the just the right amount of character descriptions are weaved into the narrative. It doesn't give you a to-the-point picture, but still lets you imagine the scene quite perfect.
Language: Do not spot any glaring mistakes. The flow of language is good too.
Only critique I could think of (after thinking long and hard): a more exaggerated expression of how the first two kids tried to get to your bacon. It might just have to do with paragraph spacing, but I think you can make the sequences a little more effective.
Thank you for giving me something to smile about today :)
Does the story retain your interest till the end?
Yes, it did. I primarily wanted to see how this relationship would be different for her.
What you liked the most/least?
I liked the divisions and the apt titles.
While I totally love what you are trying to convey here, it feels a little flat towards the end. Her feelings in the beginning seem better articulated than her feelings in the end. A little more on how this epiphany made her feel, maybe? Something symbolic, instead of direct portrayal?
How are the characters and the dialogues defined?
The characters seem well defined, as are the dialogues.
How is the flow/pace?
Addressed this as part of an answer above :) The pace seems just right.
Please highlight grammatical errors, if any.
Nothing major that I can spot.
Do you feel it is contest material?
This is just a personal opinion - this might fall flat in a contest that accepts all genres in terms of plot. But like I mentioned, I love the how the story has been structured.
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