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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rmonascal
Review Requests: OFF
7 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Bring it on!! I'm eager to read your work and give my honest feedback, so we can learn together. I prefer Fantasy and Science-Fiction, but all types of literature are welcome.
I'm good at...
Catching world-building inconsistencies and assessing character dimensionality.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy and Science-Fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, Romance
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Mona and the Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Ricardo Monascal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dean... This was absolutely stunning. The ending just gave me goosebumps. At first I was confused when alternate Joe was talking to another Mona, but then it all made sense. I feel like cheating taking GPs for the pleasure reviewing such an outstanding sci-fi story.

From an amateur to who is most definitively a rising star in the genre, I must congratulate you on your superb storytelling and world-building prowess.

I did collect some comments from some of the story's sections, that you might want to consider. But, overall, it was a most fantastic read.

***

First Section:

- Yo say no one ever explained the phenomenon to Joe, yet you say that George tried to. Perhaps saying "explained successfully" would make it clearer.

- Who is George? I infer it's his friend but he hasn't yet been introduced, so maybe adding something like "his friend George" would serve as a small introduction. I kept reading and saw the description beginning the second section, so maybe just move a tiny bit of the description to this section.

Second section:

- Questions are in incomplete form. For example "You ready?" instead of "Are you ready?". Being a scientist, George should most probably be well spoken. For Joe it may be acceptable, as he doesn't seem to be academically formed, but for George it stands odd.

- Clever and efficient use of a well-known character (George Bush) to describe the appearance of George. Nicely done! However, it seems odd that he would change his name based only on his friend's comparison.

Fifth section:

- What is the PA system? Personal assistant?

Sixth section:

- It seems odd that he suspected on "religious nuts" sabotaging the experiment and then would say something as openly religious as "Lord knows..."

- The transition between Joe entering and accepting the offer seems a bit rushed. George just assumed that Joe would accept.

Seventh section:

- I think you have a tense issue where you say "He never cared what anyone thinks". I think it should be "He never cared what anyone thought".

- Mona is a bit hesitant. If inter-dimensional travel is accepted as a possibility, Joe's story is reasonable. If your are going for a stubborn type personality, it's ok, but his point was quite made for a while before she ended up accepting it.

***

Awesome job!! I most definitively look up to reading more of your work. Wish I could assign more than only 5 stars to this awesome story. Thanks for sharing it!
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Review of Berry  Open in new Window.
Review by Ricardo Monascal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very refreshing take on berries. I share your love for them, as they are truly wonderful fruits.

I very much like the diamond pattern your poem forms, and the descriptive adjectives you used. Nice job!

I would suggest you consider the singular form "Fruit" and "Snack", as I feel it goes best with the rythm of the poem, but it is equally fine as is.

Good read! Keep on writing. *Smile*
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3
Review of Tabby's Star  Open in new Window.
Review by Ricardo Monascal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was incredibly interesting and engaging! I genuinely laughed out loud with the "WTF Star", even though it is a scientific article. Awesome article!
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