The door squeaked shut as Ned Atkins closed his shop for the day. There was a cold drizzle falling as it had done all day. Damn rain he thought, terrible for business. He pulled his collar up as he quickly strode across the cobble stone street, to the tavern. Johnny the bartender saw Ned come in. Johnny said, not a fit night, hey Ned? How about a nice hot toddy to warm you up? It's not only not a fit night it's not a fit day, Ned said. No one's going to be out looking for oddities on a day like this, and make that a pint of ale, thank you.
I posted this part to help you a little, if you don't mind my pedantry. Your writing shows potential, so I wanted to point out some common mistakes.
'Damn rain he thought, terrible for business.'
For a thought, it's easier to differintiate, if you put the thought in italics. Also, there should be a comma separating 'he thought' from the rest of the sentence. [i]Damn rain[/i], he thought, [i]terrible for business[/i].
(FYI, the [i] [/i] is how italics are inserted on the format of this website. Just the way I wrote it is how you would've written to create italics while writing the story.)
'He pulled up his collar as he quickly strode across the cobble stone street, to the tavern.'
This is a good imagry; he's doing something as he walks which is realistic. The problem in this sentence is the word "quickly"
You always want to cut out unnecessary adverbs. Try to find the best verb to describe what is happening, which in this case "strode" is good. Strode means he was quickly walking, so the word quickly is redundant. Almost always, the word "quickly" can be replaced.
'Johnny the bartender saw Ned come in.'
You also want to cut as many words like saw or was as possible, although sometimes they can't be replaced. You want an action that is doing something like 'Johnny the bartender watched Ned come in'
'Johnny said, not a fit night, hey Ned?'
The dialogue is good here, realistic, but you absof***inglutely need to use quotations, lol. Also the beginning of dialogue is capitolized.
Johnny said, "Not a fight night, hey Ned?"
Your dialogue is hard to interpret, because you don't know where the bartender's ends and Ned's begins. Separate dialogues should always be on a new line.
Correction:
Johnny said, "Not a fit night, hey Ned? How about a nice hot toddy to warm you up?"
"It's not only not a fit night. It's not a fit day," Ned said.
Your dialogue is good for starters, which is very dificult to master. I had a lot of trouble learning how to naturally write dialogue, because I'm anti-social. I don't like talking to people, so it made it hard for me. You're lucky that it comes naturally, so work at this stuff, and you can get a lot better.
P.S. Very many people have these exact same problems, before they are taught otherwise, so do not be discouraged. I had to be told many of these things myself. |
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