Try to put more spaces between the paragraphs. It's hard to read even if it's short. You need to put more commas too. The idea is pretty nice but you should make more paragraphs from just this one, to better establish the plot. You also should reread it, when you are in the mood, because there are some mistakes, like "as if so he preferred his vice hidden", I guess you mean voice, and "at his ex-bestfreind" You mean best friend right? or use a "-" like this: best-friend. Try to use this before posting. http://www.spellchecker.net/spellcheck/ I use it myself when I finish. But be warned, even spellcheckers can make mistakes so always reread.
Good luck with your writing!
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