To be honest, I personally thought a lot more could be added to this... And, to be fair, it's an interesting idea to expand on... Whether it's about winning those crowns, or the motivations behind buying the designer heels, or what caused the final outbreak of rebellion and masochism or self-defilement; are all aspects of the story you could elaborate... This story does show an ample amount of promise, I hope you'll work further on this...
The writing's not badly done, lots of luck on writing a whole lot more...
You seemed to indulge yourself into the tormented narrative of a mental patient, so effectively, that for a few minutes tiil the end, I was begginning to believe the character's point of view, until the revelation at the end... This is as complex, as it is straightforward; because eventually, a heightened reality does seep in...
You seem to skip through social and emotional constraints with almost effortless ease in this little piece... I loved the fact that ypu seem to say "everything could be ok", in spite of playing out the worst scenarios... A good idea, not to mention, well-written...
What I enjoyed was that you took the readers through each situation transpired, instead on taking the usual ideological path to illustrate a mind-set, or objectives of the people in question... History is more effective when it's presented in a detached point-of-view; in many ways it's essential to let readers form their own conclusions; and you've succeeded there...
Good luck, and lots of luck on writing a whole lot more...
It sounds interesting so far, and I have to say I'm really dissapointed that this is incomplete work...
Do not post incomplete stuff here, it takes away some of your imagination if you're building things up based on suggestions... Do attempt to finish this, if the rest of the story is as good as what's written already, you've probably got something good going here... Lots of luck...
I loved the innocent little narrative to this... Really wished this piece was longer; besides anything else, the ending wou;d've stood out more, if those days with the Yellow Umbrella were written about a tad bit more... Good writing, nonetheless.
On the one hand, I admire your honesty in this little piece; and on the other hnad, the anger you express in this might almost have a scalding effect on most writers. As much as I loved reading this, I'm trying to think of how this could've been made better, and the only thing that comes to mind, is if the anger was was reduced a wee bit, you could've turned up something more profound...
Good work, and lots of luck on writing a whole lot more...
I usually don't bother with items as small as this, but it does seem to suggest a fertile imagination, with a slightly awkward sense of humor. Humor's probably a good start to write long narratives, so try doing that next... I'm glad you started considering writing and publishing at a young age, so all the best with your work...
As a suggestion, try reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, and see if it appeals to your sense of humor...
I don't understand this piece... On one hand, I'm reading through what reads like a surreal, black and white scene, in poetic skow-motion; and as I'm getting used to that experience, it ends... I really hope you're going to expand on this... I'm not sure what the imagery means on first reading, but it looks excellent...
Not bad... I have looked at the rest of your stuff as well, and it's not a mystery that the writing is trying to address personal trauma / emotions... However, it does seem like you're addressing the same issue in all those poems, yet you still manage to slightly twist your view in each of those...
As a suggestion, try to combine all of these poems and lyrics - into one large piece of prose... I think it becomes more substantial if you look at the same situation, in varying views...
Good work... I wasn't terribly impressed by the idea in itself, but I must say how you presented this piece was amazing... The alternating mind-sets of both the wraith and the boy are well placed and well written... Although, I can't help feeling you wrote this initially as a set of poems, maybe it's just me... Nevertheless, lots of luck on writing a whole lot more...
I liked the fact that you took up a subject that's relatively hard to describe... Good work there... Perhaps you should have explored the subject a little further, and made the prom longer... As a psychologist, you must have a detailed insight into the minds of schizophrenics, I think the only thing lacking here is detail...
Good work... Perhaps this would work better as a short-story, because the way which you managed to shift almosy effortlessly from the dream sequence to reality, is presented in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way... Lots of luck on writing a whole lot more...
This piece works well when it's read out aloud... I wish you would have made this a little longer... perhaps this would work as lyrics, just a thought... Perhpas you could add more "low things" here :P Not a bad effort, and good luck on your writing...
Well... I'm glad you're trying to improvise, it usually produces results you won't expect yourself... But, like most writers say this as a cliched advice, do sit down with it, and Develop it... Don't be disheartened with the inability to produce nothing longer, but adding more and more details, no matter how contrived or limiting the plot line might be, is the mark of perserverant writer... The topic shows promise, so try to elaborate this piece...
Lots of luck for developing longer pieces of writing...
Excellent work... And good topic too... It's no secret Education today solely functions on creating more conformists, be it steeped in limited beliefs, sick cultures, unbalanced knowledge, and most importantly, consumerist mindsets... I really wish this piece would've been longer, good work, nonetheless... Keep writing...
Good work... I suppose the plot line was pretty basic, but as I preogressed through the writing, I realized it fit in perfectly with the subject... To be honest, my reading momentum increased considerably since Simone dies, and your description of the "creatures" are amazing - sinister little creatures scurrying around is more frightening than huge, loud monsters in my view... Lots of luck on writing a whole lot more...
Great idea... Perhaps it's just me, but you could have expanded on each of the different stages of the storm a little further, to create a genuinely cracking poem... It just dosen't seem enough of a description, to be honest... That's entirely upto you though... Lots of luck on your future projects...
I liked the way you wrote this... And I admired the sentiment behind this article - Laughing out loud at the face of severe adversity, is a welcome change fromthe constant moaning and a despondent attitude in the last moments, instead of living it up... good article... If I may be permitted a suggestion - do listen to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (radio-show) by Douglas Adams... I hope it amuses you as much as it amused me... Lots of luck on your future writing projects...
Not bad... To me, it looks like each paragraph of this piece talks about something different - the first paragraph talks about Frailty; Torture & Doom in the second; the beauty of Metamorphosis and Death in the third; ending with Human Cowardice and Thoughtlessness in the fourth... Or maybe I'm just talking nonsense... Either way, good work, I do wish this piece was slightly longer though... The last four lines made all the difference, otherwise it seemed like a poem illustrating the death of a moth... Lots of luck on your future projects...
I have to say that I really admired the way with which you established a remarkably lucid flow throughout the story, almost to the end... You write beautifully, and yet, for some reason, I can't feel more dissapointed with how you ended it... I can understand the point of abrupt endings, or shocking material, but I still couldn't really see the point for an ending with murder... Perhaps I'm missing something you were trying to achieve here, I must reiterate that I loved your writing, it's just the ending that put me off, it just seemed like it didn't fit, to be honest...
Good effort, this piece... I really do wish this little poem was longer, to get a better feel of the character and the environment he / she is in, but nonetheless, I did enjopy reading this... The thoughts you express aren't juevenile at all, however you do need to elaborate more on some of those thoughts to create something extraordinary... And start to write more frequently, it's possible you could create some really potent material... Lots of luck on further writing...
It's strange, that anyone getting out of any kind of stormy relationship preetty much has the same thing to say, as in the poem, if they take a genuinely logical attempt to find a cure from mental dis-order... this was a really good effort, I do hope you'll post more stuff here... lots of luck for further writing...
Good work... i particularly enjoyed how the conversations set the pace and flow of the story, and you still managed to capture the essense of the story with almost no narration at all... Although, I do hope there's more to this story than what's here... lots of luck on writing further...
This piece has probably got the right amount of visual detail to describe mania of the worst kind... It so happens this is a good topic for a short-story too... It's just a suggestion, give it a shot if you wish... good work, and I hope you post some stories soon...
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