This is a great start to what sounds like it could be quite a scary story. It will be interesting to see where it leads. I believe you would hook young readers with this first chapter as they would want to read not only the ghost stories told around the campfire but also find out what is happening or perhaps lurking in the meadow. The "Dark Forest of Shadows" is a great name, it illicits a feeling of impending doom.
Just a couple of things I noted:
At the beginning of the second paragraph Mr Rodgers was going (to) give the special activity. The word (to) is missing. This sentence needs some clarification. Where is the special activity? At cub scouts? Or is the special activity the camping trip and they are just having an organisational discussion about the special activity? Sorry but I did not feel this was clear?
When Mr Rodgers is talking to the Ranger it seems a big jump from "chuckled" to suddenly being "rather annoyed" after only one brief protest from the Ranger. Perhaps they could have a slightly longer discussion/argument.
"Once upon a time" is not a strong opening sentence structure to a story, it is too over used and usually not recommended. Consider starting with something like "Malcom Rodgers was a ten year old cub scout member of the Webelos Tribe along with his four friends, Nicky, Johnny, Mark and Frankie."
"The boys got out of the van." Use a stronger/better word than got. Think about how they got out? Did they climb out? clamber? push each other with excitement etc
Mr.. Rodgers (delete the 2nd period)
Joey, Nicky, Mark, and Frankie - At the beginning you said the name Johnny, now in paragraph 7 he is Joey? Make sure the names are consistent.
summit,, (delete the 2nd coma)
Please consider my feedback as purely optional. Take on board whatever you like and feel free to trash anything you don't like.
Overall, it is a wonderful beginning to a great story and has great potential for a fascinating read. I look forward to reading more of this story.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Showering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
Having two sons very technologically minded and continually making me feel inferior and challenged in this feild, it seemed only natural to read this delightful tale of a daughter trying to help her inept father over the phone for your anniversary review.
One son has worked in the IT area for several years now and agrees it takes a very special type of person to help with technological issues over the phone. You dealt with the dilemma with wit and a wonderful sense of humour that had me laughing right through to the end.
I really liked how the dad kept getting distracted and off topic, confusing the conversation so much so he told the brother about the boyfriend with the purple bike, (neither of which actually existed).
I also really liked the idea that she assumed he wanted to connect to the internet, but her dad was horrified, all he wanted was to play solitaire ! Reminded me of my own mother who recently bought an ipad only to play games.
Only spotted one small spelling issue,
"come he’p me" should be "help"
My overall impression- very clever. Thanks for letting me read this.
Cheers,
Sandy
(gingerbread-aliens.com)
This review was made by a member of Sowering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
If it's any consolation i think we've all been there! As mum's we are always the villians who have to say no even though it breaks our hearts just as much as theirs. Dad gets to come in and be the hero and save the day with cuddles and dry the tears, but they do get over it....until the next time when "they'll never ever ask for anthing else ever again". If I had a dollar for every I heard this from my son I would be a very rich woman. Don't worry, they do evetually grow up unscathed and still even love you!
You expressed the turmoil of emotions on both your part and your daughters very well. I enjoyed reading it and it brought back some wonderful memories thankyou.
I found this an intiguing little short story. As I read through it I couldn't quite work out what it was you were picking up. Well done for keeping me guessing! I knew it wasn't St John's Wart, but at times that was what I was reminded of as I have been caught out countless times myself stopping to weed the nasty stuff from our acres. It's amazing how time consuming it can be and all other things get left behind, just like you with the washing etc.
I was delighted to read at the end it was kangaroo poo! By the way, I have 13 acres of the stuff if you ever need any more!!!
Cheers,
Sandy
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This review was made by a member of Showering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
From when I first read this poem several days ago it evoked a wonderful stirring of emotions in me. I initially came across it in the Shower competition and thought there was no use attempting to write about a baby shower as you had succinctly said it from both the point of view of mother and grandmother.
The generational portrayal of memories through the home made picture frame is subtle yet poignant.
We get a sense of the baby within as the mother moans as she 'holds her protruding stomach'.(I remeber that feeling of baby's kicking fondly.)
Then you made me feel empathy for the anxiuos grandmother waiting for her child to give birth to her own child. An experience I will one day only experience through my future daughters-in-law as I have sons not daughters, but can now imagine and perhaps understand.
Thankyou for sharing this beautiful poem, I really enjoyed it.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Showering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
Never having been to a youth camp I read this piece with interest and intrigue. I found it wonderfully descriptive, so much so that I could imagine lying there on that old iron bunk bed listening to all the amazing sounds reverberating around you.
I enjoyed the opening pragraphs depction of places of serenity where most people usually go for solitude in search of inner peace and strength to feed the soul, but loved how you described this particular place as somwhere to "add layers to a collage" of memories. I foumd that particularly powerful.
As I sat at my computer reading this, the wind was cold and howling outside around me, yet your words transported me to the heat of the summer day with the frogs croaking in the stream, the bees buzzing, the fan whirring overhead and birds singing in the distance - a beautiful image.
Thanks for sharing this recollection of an obviously very fond memory. It gave me a lovely insight to a truely wonderous location as well as experience that would never be forgotten nor should it be.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Showering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
This is a cute little story with a great big message ! I really liked the way you have invloved a small child as the main character to clean up the environment and make the next generation more concerned for the health of the planet.
I enjoyed reading the description of the sun in it's blue and white striped pyjamas and the use of the recycled cardboard boxes and pipecleaners for the rocket. This makes great use of the typical imagination of all children.
The one possible mistake I did see was in the sentence,
"She loved the glow that woke up her up in the morning" should it be
"She loved the gloe that woke her up in the morning".
I could imagine parts of England covered in all that pollution and hope like Sylvia, that one day it is cleaned up enough for the sun to shine through to show the beautiful countryside that it has.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Showering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
The imagery in this poem is lovely, especially as I read it here still in the grips of winter. Your writing took me to that perfect summer day with the gentle rain carressing away the heat of the day. Really beautiful as I barely managed an half hour on my verandah yesterday before it was too cold again and I was forced back inside.
My favourite lines "carries me to a place of peace" and the final two lines "As the sweet warmth of the sun arrives, drying the tears with its gentle kiss."
My one observation is that in the line "The trees dance its crazy dance" perhaps consider changing "its" to "their" as "trees" is plural and "its" is singular, they both need to be the same.
Good luck in the competition also.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Sowering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
I very much enjoyed reading your poem about the finicky mouse. The whole concept of him searching the house for food but coming up empty handed made me smile. I could imagine the frustration as he left in search further down the street, then finding all the delights in the garbage can where he could feed forever content.
There were so many favourite lines from "delectable cheese", "improbable plan",to "strange abode", right through to "the didnity of people must also prevail".
I thought the rhyming scheme also worked very well and the rhythmn bounced along beautifully.
I found no reason to alter or suggest any changes.
Thanks again, it was great.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Sowering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
You have put yourself into the shoes of this little three year old so well I can only guess there must be a little person at home either that or you have an excellent memory of someon'e chilhood. Reading through your poen took me back to when my boys were small and made it easy to recall all those tantrums, tugs and wonderful hugs.
I felt in the most part the rhythmn flowed well, but I stumbled on just one line.'I am mad cause I don't get my way and what are you going to do' It may just be me, but I felt this was a bit awkward, not sure if I could improve it though, sorry.
Overall impression, a wonderfully warm poem about the experience of childhood and the emotions that are involved for both parent and child alike.
My favourite lines are the ones about the grumpy face and crumpled up nose as well as the final line about still learning and getting tugs in the meantime along with those hugs.
Thankyou for taking me down memory lane.
Cheers,
Sandy
This review was made by a member of Sowering Acts of Joy. I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing your writing with me. Keep writing, keep smiling and have fun.
Thankyou for writing this advice. I found it very interesting and helpful to read. Some ten years ago I had several attempts at getting some of my stories published here in Australia. I recieved what you would term two types of your rejection letters, both the first and the third. I won't comment on which publishing houses I was corresponding with needless to say two of them were very professional and promising. I was even invited to submit short stories for their children's picture books and given guidelines as to what in particular they were looking for at the time. Unfortunately after twelve months of correspondence nothing ever was published. After reading your article I now wonder if I should have continued to follow up with the editors of both publishing houses at the time, at least sent them a thankyou note. Instead I gave up my ideas of becoming a published children's author and threw myself headlong back into teaching. Thankyou for helping to reignite the fire within that is quietly smouldering away at the moment.
Wow, that is really comprehensive. As an Aussie who grew up in Sydney and has lived around Sydney most of her life I was very interested to read your point of view. First of all I like the fact that you did not start with the old cliches of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. While they are spectacular and do set off the harbour there is still so much more to see and do. It was lovely to see both the Sheraton and the botanical gardens get such a good wrap, thanks for that. I love the native gardens, you can spend hours wondering around there.
I agree Pattys Markets can be a bit of a disappointment, but it depends on what you are looking for. Locals enjoy being able to get cheap items, but definately no good for quality souveneirs. A good pair of sheep skin Ugg boots are a must though ! The QVB is definately the place for quality items to take home.
The seafood restaurant at Darling Harbour is Jordans you were right, but then there are many fabulous restaurants scattered all over the city foreshores. Glad you enjoyed Manly although it did not turn on the beautiful weather it is renown for, I hope Bondi sparkled for you though, although I must admit I do find Bondi somewhat of a disappointment these days myself, it's too overcrowded. We have many more beaches along our coastline that are far more spectacular and worth a visit.
The Blue Mountains are a very special place and well worth a visit. The chocolate cafe you mention was the Paragon I assume. It is very famous as it was built in the 1920's and became a huge holday destination for the rich and famous that use to visit Sydney. Its walls are line with many old black and white photographs.
You also gave all the zoos an excellent review, thankyou, I am sure they would be very pleased as so many people these days don't agree with keeping animals in captivity, but if looked after well it can be successful.
As for the movie theatre in George Street I thought it use to be Hoyts, but perhaps it is Greater Union. It has been a while since I was there.
Thanks again for a fabulous coverage of one of our best captial cities and it's surrounds. I am so glad you enjoyed it enough that you were happy to return with your daughter as well as happy to share your thoughts and comments here.
This was a delightful version of the real story of Humpty Dumpty. I was curious to read your scenario as I have often used this as a writing tool for teaching Primary school students. It's amazing to see what wonderful imaginations people have when asked to think about the real background to a familiar nursery rhyme.
I loved the names you came up with and the idea of the 'classes'. You put a great lesson in there about acceptance of personal differences, well done. I could see this story being used in a classroom. Pity I am no longer teaching ! I also like the fact that you set a challenge at the end in your note, you've got me thinking now!
Cheers,
Sandy
This review is from a member of Showering Acts of Joy.Thankyou for allowing me to read your writng. Keep writng, keep sharing and have fun !
I very much enjoyed reading your reminiscences of childhood. Although I've never encountered a skunk so can't relate to that experience, (fortunately I believe ) your descriptions of all the other wonderful aromas certainly bring back other familar memories. The country animals, the coffee and the fudge all fabulous! Although I must admit I did find your title that brought me to read your story misleading in a delightful way. I was thinking more along the line of little boys and girls on the beach in summer, so this was a lovely surprise !
This was an interesting take on a child's view of the tooth fairy. It reminded me of somethng my eldest son would have done. There are not so many scientifically minded children out there, so it was lovely to read. I hope you don't mind me pointing out though a little confusion with tenses a couple of times. try to stay using the one tense only. For example "my parents reported the tooth fairy iswaiting' should be "was waiting'. Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Thanks for sharing. Keep Writing and have fun !
Sandy
Member Showering Acts of Joy
Welcome and good for you for having a go ! It doesn't matter what you write as long as you write ! If your passion is writing, like the rest of us here, then don't feel shy, express yourself in whatever gernre you want to try, someone will read it and give you feedback, just like I am now.
I get the feeling that perhaps English may be your second language, if this is true, then you are already well on your way to wtiring very well. Your thoughts are clear and easily understood. You evoked emotion as I felt your nervousness putting 'pen to paper'. I didn't spot any speling or grammatical errors. The only thing I would say is don't put yourself down by being "just" and immigrant, be proud of your heritage wherever you are from. As an Australian, when it comes down to it we are all immigrants. We all trace our anscestry from somewhere else. Embrace your differences as well as your similarities.
Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. remember Keep Writing and have fun ! This review is from a member of Showering Acts of Joy.
First of all may I say congratulations for being able to write so openly and honestly. I felt every painnful word you wrote and was nearly in tears by the end. I hope writng your feelings down and sharing them with others has helped you heal even more. Coming to terms with the loss of a loved one is the hardest thing we ever have to experience. You have expressed your feelings beautifully, I am sure your Grandfather would be proud.
I also recently wrote about the loss of a very dear friend who passed away unexpectedly. Like you I did not get the chance to say goodbye, my circumstances were different though, we live in Australia and I was in London at the time, so there was nothing I could do. Still makes the reality hard to believe. Please feel free to take a look at my work if you feel it might help.
This review is from a member of 'Showering Acts of Joy" Thankyou for alowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always KEEP WRITING !
I couldn't believe what I was reading. So much of your story rings home true to myself. You have not only expressed every feeling about creativity and being true to your heart and yourself as i believe, a lot of what you write could have been me writing it. I love making up children's stories and spent my three son's childhood making up pirate adventures seeking treasure in all sorts of wonderful and mystical places. I haven't written for some time now, as they have grown up and I became caught up furthering my career teaching kindergaretn to year 6. I still wrote the occassional story for my class, but you have now inspired me to reignite my passion further. Thank you for such an encouraging piece of writing.
Cheers,
Sandra.
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