You know, I don't pretend to know a lot about poetry. I never read it until college. I wrote only a little and then just to receive a grade.
I don't really enjoy most of what I read, but I liked this one very much.
From the begining it seemed an honest flow of emotion from a heart that struggled to reveal only so much; enough to acknowledge the feeling but not to expose the pain.
Better sometimes to enjoy a last passionate battle than suffer a slow numbing slide into indifference.
I could find no fault in your poem, other than its unwelcome ability to stir a painful memory.
Well, this really was interesting; a free verse poem that reads like a short story. I enjoyed it very much.
A couple of comments: By the end I thought I would have figured out if the object of her waiting were a former lover or an imagined, future lover. But, upon reading, "When will I meet you" I found I still was confused. Maybe I don't need to know...but I want to.
Secondly, I was distracted by your lower-case first-person pronouns. I couldn't find a good reason for them to be there, other than to suggest that you suffer low self-esteem. You need not; you are an excellent writer even if your lover is still elusive.
Oh wait, I think I just figured it out. She is able to miss the lover despite having never met him because he is actually a faceless construct of her imagination, dreamed about over a lifetime. OK, that works for me, I’m holding on to it.
I enjoyed your piece very much. It was entertaining, well written and imaginative.
Welcome to writing dot com. I enjoyed your story. It carried my imagination to a foreign country that always has fascinated me, Japan. You managed this not only by telling us the setting was Tokyo and mentioning foods like sushi. You also demonstrated it with your character's actions; her calm nature, taking time to greet her landlady, her humility while receiving bad news from her manager. Actions like these are not characteristic of many western cultures.
I assume that English is not you first language; forgive me if I am mistaken. Your command of the language is very good. Here are some things you could improve just a little:
"she sketched all the way on the hard but smooth paper" would read better "she sketched on the hard smooth paper". "All the way " is an image I cannot interpret. I picture in my mind that her drawing filled the entire page, but even that does not add to the story.
The sentence "With cold sweat trickling down on the back of her neck, she completely ignored it since she was already finishing her last stroke." could be shortened to read "As she completed her last stoke she ignore the sweat trickling down the back of her neck." I also would eliminate "cold" unless it conveys some special meaning. Usually, the phrase "a cold sweat" is used to suggest fear.
When I rewrite a piece (and I always rewrite, repeatedly) I look for opportunities to eliminate as many words as possible. I try to say "more" with "less."
In the phrase "twitched a little bit" you can eliminate either "little" or "bit." Each word by itself suggests that there was not very much twitching.
In the phrase "she pulled away the blankets off" either the word "away" or "off" should be eliminated. Each word is meant to suggest that the blankets were removed.
I think if you reread the piece remembering the examples I gave above you will find other opportunities to eliminate words.
Again, your English is very good. The things I point out here are subtle but noticeable and detract just a bit from what is otherwise a very good story.
I like a story in which a character gives their best effort, fails to be recognized for their accomplishment but then wins in the end. Your story has those elements and it presents them in an interesting way.
I also like that your story in informative. You taught me things I did not know about Anime. Especially interesting to me was that the Japanese word for "animation" is phonetically equivalent. Neat!
You tell a story well and include many interesting details. I look forward to reading more from you.
I found this to be a well organized, finely crafted and interesting piece. More than a list of historical facts strung together by a column of caveats, it provides a narrative that invites the reader to visualize the hostility both of the unforgiving terrain and of the military interlopers who laid claim to it.
It also explained for my why so many early western movies from my boyhood included scenes of cavalry soldiers taunting their enemy with wasteful displays of abundant water horded behind the walls of the fort.
I was confused by the juxtaposition of two phrases. You write that visitors to Fort Apache were "Still watchful of what may be lying ahead" after they "leave the ruins of Fort Bowie and head for the protection of ..(their)..car." It seemed to me that a visitor would feel confident that he knew what to expect traveling over the same ground he had covered just an hour earlier on his way from the car to the fort. This is a small distraction but I stumbled over it just the same.
Also, describe "A park ranger, normally on site year-round..." Perhaps "usually on site" would better describe a seasonal assignment. Saying he is "normally" on site causd me to imagine that he had been called away unexpectedly just before you arrived. I hesitated even to mention this one.
Overall, this was an excellent, well written piece. I bet the AAA Travel Magazine would buy this in a minute. I enjoyed the read.
I liked this poem, chiefly for its originality. I have never read a poem about acorns, very imaginative.
The first two stanzas are excellent. They have an almost Dr. Seuss quality. But by the third stanza your rhythm and form begins to break down. The last verse just has too many syllables and the word "distaste" does not rhyme at all with "great."
The image of throwing up acorns diminishes for me the light-hearted mood of the poem you have created up to that point. How about these first two stanzas instead: "You don't want my Acorns? Well fine, now you'll see"
And, for me, the second verse of the last stanza would read better as "I really don't care."
I enjoyed your poem, and I believe a few edits can make it even better.
I commend you for undertaking such a formidable challenge, to translate the emotions evoked by music into equally evocative words. It is a more difficult task than I would feel comfortable in attempting. I have seen it done in the reverse, to compose music that captures the mood of a literary work, with some success. You set yourself a lofty goal.
Some of the imagery was a little awkward; to "drink your sick wine" had me guessing, does he suggest here bitter or perhaps poisoned? Similarly, when I read "...live with only a shatter of the broken mirror of joy" I wondered, does he mean a shard? I found it hard to picture what you meant by a "shatter."
What I did find enjoyable was the way you managed to weave a tapestry of such disparate images, but if I had to condense my criticism into a single phrase it might be "too many adjectives."
I enjoyed reading your piece. I believe you could pare it down somewhat without causing it to lose its lyrical quality.
This is really good. I believed everything. You put me at the table right next to yours so I could hear every word, even your thoughts.
Of course, every word may been completely true, literally. But that does not take away anything from your ability to tell a story. You told it very well.
I like the way you took me from the table to inside your head and back again. And you created a very real and believable Andre'. I knew him; his smug detachment and his patronizing, monotone voice. I watched him closely in my mind's eye and he never even looked at you.
Super job!
One suggestion, your "normal-seeming" would read better as "seem normal."
That was beautiful. If to write is to open one's heart completely to another, allowing them to see the color and feel the texture of truth then you, my friend, are a writer. I look forward to reading more from you.
I recognized immediately not only the truth of your words but the depth of your sincerity. Both should be evident to anyone who reads this piece.
But then, perhaps I have the advantage of experience.
Wow, I was caught by the surprise ending, and satisfied. Using Amanda's name at the opening caused me to believe that she was just whom the scar-faced man had been stalking all along and intending as his target. Concealing her face with a hood explained his confusion yet failed to reveal to me the switch about to be pulled. Good job!
The only suggestion I might offer is to add the word "again" to the first sentence of the last paragraph. That would establish that the whisper her heard earlier was the first shot. And perhaps saying she "kept the revolver's silencer pointed at his chest" would explain why he heard a whisper and not a roar.
Still, I rate this perfect. One of the best actions scenes I have read here.
This has the makings of a good read. Its greatest strength lies in its point of view. Readers love to explore inside the head and heart of a character. Here they are treated to both the thoughts and emotions of your parasitic beast and its reluctant host.
Some specific criticism (meant to be constructive) is this;
You anthropomorphicize the sun in the first line. I understand the imagery you hoped to create but picturing the sun nestling itself sounded a little awkward. How about "The last light of the sun slowly faded as twilight fell across the forest" or something like that?
No need to begin so many sentences with the word "The"; too repetitive.
Don't over use contractions, "didn't" and "there'd" are more comfortably heard than read.
"The demons set in revealing..." is awkward. Would "The demons began to reveal.." work?
"...if she didn’t run there’d be no fun my primal self maintained" is awkward. How about" her running only intensified my primal lust for blood." Would that work?
"She must have heard my breathing because she looked up" could be made more immediate with "Hearing my breathing she raised her eyes in terror." See the difference?
Again, the scene has adequate action and the point of view is good. A little tweaking can make this an exciting read. Put it aside for a week then read it again with a critical eye.
Write on!
Roy
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