I found your email this morning asking that I review the items in your portfolio. I see that you just came to Writing.com. Welcome. If you want your things to get exposure here, go to the link at the left of your page that says “Things to do and read.” This will pull up a window where you will find another link, “Reviews Requested;” or maybe, what would be best for you, “Read a Newbie.” Pull that one up, copy and paste the item number of the piece you want reviewed in the space provided at the bottom of the page, along with a brief description in the box also provided. Now you are on your way.
I have been on this website about three years. I started like you, with short pieces, not whole stories. Sometimes I just had an idea and wanted to know what people thought. Learning to write is like learning to talk. You begin by trying and then keep at it.
You need to explore this website and meet people. You will find there are various groups you can join where people work together reviewing each other’s work. I belong to a novel workshop where I do most of my review work. Reviewing is just that –work. You will need to practice your own skill at reviewing. Go to the links I suggested above, and review someone seeking a review. Do enough of these and people will reciprocate. Being a good reviewer is a step toward becoming a good writer.
As for your story, let me offer some comments.
There is a sadness about the boy in the story, but there is a glimmer of hope at the end. Working to bring out the cause and nature of this sadness and realizing the hope that resolves it is what writing is all about. Good! Your voice is clear and the mood you’ve set effective. You should use a word program to check spelling and grammar. You also need to learn to identify sentence splices. You have a lot of them. These are two and three sentences attached by commas when they should stand alone as sentences. I will do a line-by-line edit so you can see what I mean.
Normally, I do not do random reviews like this. As I said, reviewing is work; and I have obligations to the group I belong to. But I was helped when I first joined WDC, and so I want to return that favor. One day you will do the same.
LINE-BY-LINE: My edits will show up in blue.
One dark morning when the moon was still high, a boy named Alex woke up, just another day. He slowly and reluctantly dragged himself out of bed and rubbed his eyes, so he could see outside, the winters harsh frost smothering dead plants and flowers in his mothers now lifeless garden.
I would put a period after “woke up,” and then say, “It was just another day.” Also adverbs like “slowly and “reluctantly” are what writers call “telling” words. They “tell” not “show.” A writer wants to “show.” Too many adverbs {words ending in ”ly”) can drag a piece of writing down. Use them sparingly. Let me offer this re-write of your paragraph. See if you think this tightens it.
One dark morning when the moon was still high, a boy named Alex woke up. It was just another day. He dragged himself out of bed, rubbed his eyes and looked out his window. The winter's harsh frost smothered the dead flowers in his mother’s now lifeless garden.
Alex got dressed, no comma hereand went downstairs to make himself breakfast perhaps, a comma hereto provide him some energy for the day, and then brushed his teeth, got his school bag and set off to school. Everyday he walked by himself with no friend or companion. Today as he walked to school, the harsh cold nipped at him, the ice cold wind made his eyes water, a group of youths walked slowly ahead of him, Alex felt quite nervous and decided to slow his pace down and walk behind them. here is one of your sentence splices.One of the boys in front of him wore layers of clothing, grey gloves, grey coat, his skin, very pale, they all wore a black hat on top of their heads, however the rest of them all had different coloured gloves and coats. another sentence splice; and, unless you are British, “coloured” is spelled wrong. They suddenly stopped, Alex caught a glimpse of smoke, so he assmumedspelling they had stopped for a ciggarette. spelling
Here is my edit
Alex got dressed and went downstairs to make himself breakfast, to provide him some energy for the day, and then brushed his teeth, got his school bag and set off to school. Every day he walked by himself with no friend or companion. Today as he walked to school, the harsh cold nipped at him, and the wind made his eyes water. A group of boys walked slowly ahead of him. Alex felt quite nervous and decided to slow his pace down and walk behind them. One of the boys in front of him wore grey gloves and layers of clothing beneath a grey coat. His skin was very pale. All the boys wore black hats, but different coloured gloves and coats. They suddenly stopped. Alex caught a glimpse of smoke as one of the boys lit a cigarette.
Alex's heart started to pace fast, his breathing seemed restircted, spelling he felt as if he was being strangled, fear like he had never felt engulfed him, as he was fearful of what may happen when they see him walk past, Alex held his head low and continued to walk on. big time sentence spliceOut of the corner of Alex's eye, he saw one of them look at him, the boy with the dull coloured clothes, Alex ignored this and walked to school.
My edit
Alex's heart started to pace fast. His breathing restricted, and he felt as if he was being strangled. He was fearful of what might happen when they saw him walk past. Alex held his head low and continued to walk. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw one of them look at him. The boy with the grey gloves. Alex ignored him and walked on to school.
Another boring day for Alex, he sat in his maths lesson before break and was drowning in thought. Poor sentence constructionHe was thinking of his nan, Victoria. She had recently had an accident and fell down the stairs, she had brain damage. sentence splice, and watch out for over using the word “had.” Writers make this common mistake. “Had” is a word often over used and it has a tendency of making the writing feel distant, out of present time.Alex thought of her, she brung brought him strength in times of trouble, she was fearful of no one, and she would never back down from a fight. sentence splice Victoria encapsulated everything Alex was not, he was timid, shy, weak, his tear ducts had wept too many times, he let people manipulate and hurt him, he was a shell with no soul, a body with no heart.sentence splice
My edit
Another boring day. Alex sat in his math lesson before break, drowning in thought. His nan, Victoria, recently had an accident. She fell down the stairs, and was now brain damage. Alex thought how she brought him strength in times of trouble. She was fearful of no one, and she would never back down from a fight. Alex was timid, shy, weak, and his tear ducts had wept too many times. He let people manipulate and hurt him. He was a shell with no soul, a body with no heart. Victoria encapsulated everything Alex was not. Now she was gone.
Alex went to break and as usual, he sat on his own. He decided to sit outside, as hardly anyone was out there. The odd person walking past gave Alex dirty looks or made remarks at him, it went in one ear and out of the other, he was beyond hurt, words meant nothing to him anymore.sentence splice He just sat and stared at the grey dull sky which started sprinkling snowflakes, one landed in his right eye and it made him chuckle sentence splice
My edit
Alex went to break and as usual, he sat on his own. He decided to sit outside. Hardly anyone was out there. The odd person walking past gave Alex dirty looks or made remarks at him. It went in one ear and out of the other. He was beyond hurt. Words meant nothing to him anymore. He just sat and stared at the grey dull sky, which started sprinkling snowflakes. One landed in his right eye and made him chuckle.
Alex wiped his eyecomma and then he looked to his left to find a girl walking towards him, she smiled, introduced herself, she was called Anna. sentence spliceShe had rosey spelling red cheeks, a bright smile and wore colourful clothing. She was nice to Alex, and to Alex's surprise found out that she lived not far from him, so they both agreed to walk to and from school together. awkward sentence construction
My edit
Alex wiped his eye, and then he looked to his left to find a girl walking towards him. She smiled and introduced herself. Her name was Anna. She had rosy red cheeks, a bright smile and wore colourful clothing. She was nice to Alex, and to his surprise he found out she lived not far from him. They both agreed to walk to and from school together.
To be continued..
I’ve taken this time to do a detailed edit of your writing for one reason. YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER! You need practice, and you need to study the mechanics of the craft. But you have a heart, a sensitivity and insight. These things, with hard work, careful punctuation, and something to say, can make a writer. Good luck.
John
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