His brown eyes
wander about the room
I've known him for so long;
I feel like I would insert the word "such" here. a fool
What does it all mean?
The fast heartbeat,
the sweaty palms.
Just one thought about you
gives me life.
I'm sorry to say
you may never know
but all my thinking about you
has taken its toll Nice job.
Everyone knows I'm so I would omit the word "so." shy,
but I wanna scream your name
on the mountain
or even in the rain.
Just the thought of your face
makes me love you all the more.
Overall Comments:
Likes: Expression
Suggestions: Better word choice
A promise means nothing unless backed by the heart, So true!
A promise is something from which you never part.
I will not make a promise that is too steep,
Therefore, here are some promises I intend to keep.
I promise to love you until the end of time,
And I promise to cherish you like a rare wine. Good comparison.
I promise to adore you like a rare stone,
And I promise to warm your body with my own.
I promise I will never hurt or mistreat you,
And I promise you that all that I say to you is true.
I promise to take you ecstasy every time we kiss,
And I promise that every time you are with me you experience true bliss. Good rhyme scheme!
I promise I will never leave you lonely or lost in hard times,
And I promise to always be with you in love sublime.
I promise to please you for the rest of my life,
And I promise to respect you and honor you as my wife.
Happiness
What I’ve been feeling
The protagonist Nice word choice and rhyming!
Of my fairy tale
Saving me
From the vortex I call
Reality
This happiness
Can take the form of many things This line doesn't really "fit." I would suggest shortening it, or replacing it with another one.
But in my life
It’s in one
This happiness
I hadn't seen it often
Until I met you It got a little choppy here.
In this state of mind
You are here with me
Under the sun and stars How can it be the "sun and stars?" The sun is out at day, and the stars at night. It's poetry, so it doesn't matter that much.
Creating this new part of me
Overall Comments:
Likes: Rhyming, word choice
Suggestions: Make sure that the poem isn't to "choppy" and rough.
Lying in my bed, curled in the fetal position, crying desperately, I felt like a small helpless child that had been beaten and abused. Good job. Laughed at and tormented, standing naked in front of a crowd. My heart ached. My body was numb. My soul was drained. Nice use of repetition.
"I can't make it another day God. I can't do it. It's just too hard." Those were the only words I could muster. Good word choice. It Should be "They" not "it. was all I had left. My head was too heavy to lift off the pillow. My eyes burned too badly to open. My arms were too numb to lift to wipe my tears. Again, good repetition.
The softest Insert an "and" or a comma. most compassionate voice I had ever heard spoke to me. He said "I will lift your head, I will open your eyes, I will wipe your tears. I am your Father I have never left you. It's time to come home. Come home child...I've missed you."
I couldn't run fast enough. I couldn't get to Him quick enough. Oh God I need you. I want to come home to my Father. I want to hide beneathe your wings. Be my shield God, save me. Save me from this torment. Save me from this world. I threw myself at His feet. He gently lifted me up out of my pile of ashes and dusted me off. I felt protected. I felt peace. Real peace, not worldly peace, but God peace. I was in my Father's strong, protective arms. I was safe. I didn't have to run anymore. I didn't have to cry anymore. Good job. I wanted to stay there forever. God knew my heart. He knew what I wanted. I would combine the previous two sentences. Vary the sentence length. He said "this is your home, right here in my arms, you never have to leave again." It felt good to be home.
Overall Comments:
Likes: Word choice, repetition
Suggestions: Vary the sentence length.
Looking into my secret journal
And feeling overly {I would make it just "over" not overly. extravagant
Although It felt so outrageous
I knew there would never be a sequel This isn't really clear. What do you mean by sequel?
Over and over I thought it manic
To merely Dramatize
About old time simple nostalgia Good word choice.
Minding my own open vortex. What's your vortex?
Overall Comments:
Likes: Good word choice
Suggestions: More description, clarity.
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