Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- it was good to read of the Great War and I think you managed to capture something of the era. The story was physically easy to read and I appreciate the time you took to format.
Suggestions -- the story is a grammatical mess. You have commas placed at odd intervals throughout the story. Your paragraphs are sentences. There are instances of exact detail, yet months elide without comment. You can include more sensory information (the smells and sounds of the trenches, for example).
The main issues are historical, as I read it. I am curious where you conducted your research, as there are some factual inconsistencies.
Other Comments -- a good draft to expand and edit.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- a concise article about the rising important of hand-held communication devices.
Suggestions -- this is physically unreadable. You should strive for a consistent look to your work -- the different fonts are distracting and suspicious. As always, proof read your work.
This reads like a primer on a specific phone rather than a review of the importance of the devices as a whole. It appears that you favor one device above all, though there is no reason given for its superiority over other devices.
If you are reusing the work of others, you should cite those sources. This is especially true for the technical specifications.
Other comments -- this reads like an advertisement for one phone rather than an assessment of the utility and ubiquity of an entire line of devices. I don't know that anyone would question the value of smart phones in this day and age.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- better out than in. You convey the melancholy and outright sadness of the predicament. There is a definite structure and rhyme scheme.
Suggestions -- the rhyme scheme is tenuous at times. I think aligning the opening syllables to include "I kept quiet when..." solidifies the piece. It adds a predictive punch to the emotion and allows the reader to fall into the cadence.
A few lines seem out of place. "I kept quiet all throughout the days of spring" is at odds with the rest of the work, as this seems like needless self censoring. "I kept quiet with every word I spoke" -- on the one hand, the juxtaposition of silence and speaking is powerful, but the implication is that even when speaking, you say nothing or importance. I guess it reinforces the totality of your silence.
Other Comments -- for one, I hope you do find a voice, one that ignores what people tell you to do or say or act. As a reflection of that silence, the power of the words is most important.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- emphatic and proud is how I read this piece.
Suggestions -- this is older, so I am not sure if you dwell on it or not (Read & Review is a discovery waiting to happen, after all), but there is some potential. It is a stream of thought, very much of the time you wrote it. There is a pace, a transfer of the words to the screen, that is sudden.
Why are the selected phrases your favorite? Some insight might help clarify what they do to help you in your life.
I suggest that if you select a quote, you be consistent when including the specific passage. Where in Exodus or Psalms are the paraphrases located? In professional writing, it is important to always cite your work.
Other Comments -- as I noted earlier in the review, being an older work, I don't know how much you care for the piece. I can see this evolving into a larger mission statement, if you will, about finding strength in passages and what those words mean to you.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- I appreciate the juxtaposition of a written work decrying the loss of words to express your thoughts. Clever, that. Good attempts at imagery and the invocation of the desperation the protagonist feels.
Suggestions -- I am not sure about the ellipses rather than commas, but to each their own.
The structure is disjointed, whether on purpose and design or not. You go 5 (4 if the first line is actually the title, it is hard to tell)-3-5-4-4 and there is no continuity or definition apparent. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but the lack of symmetry does not seem to serve a larger purpose.
There is some rhyme, but it seems arbitrary. There is no loss in the lack of a rhyme scheme, but when it does occur, it makes me think it unintentional.
Other Comments -- I enjoyed the work. I think the structural and rhyming disconnects are no great drag on the work, but there may be an opportunity to re-spawn and re-calibrate the work, either to reflect the despair or to provide a pleasing symmetry.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- good descriptive elements and an immediacy of the plot.
Suggestions -- this site does not format stories well, and the block of tiny text is a deterrent. Keep the physical layout of your work in mind -- you read with your eyes, after all.
There are interesting choices used for description. I have never read of heart filled with birds, but I suppose it works as a emotional description.
Be aware of how you choose to deploy adverbs. When left for the end, they lose some impact. Better yet, look for ways to eliminate the one word adornment and infuse the sentiment into the prose.
The lack of precursory explanation makes the story a stretch. Jess' reaction is laudable, but for all the nervousness and anxiety you infuse in the beginning, Tom's menace is not well founded. Tom's action might cause Jess to strike him and I could believe it, but without some hint of a troubled past, the action is too direct. Yes, people get nervous when breaking up with a significant other, especially in person.
Other Comments -- I think what is missing is the intricacy element. What caused Jess to fear Tom? Absent the background, we assume something terrible and there are some elements to reinforce the implications. I think those should be amplified. Look at word choices that convey the level of fear (dread, trepidation, and so on) you want in the story.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- I appreciate the extra care you took to make the poem readable. Lush imagery and descriptive elements abound. There is a noticeable sentiment in the work.
Suggestions -- there are no true tongue twisters and the cadence, when read aloud, is pleasing. The absence of a rhyme scheme does not detract from the work. All that said, there is a difference in the structure between the blocks. The tendency towards longer lines is fine, but they are often matched by as long lines.
Other Comments -- well written, this, despite the languidness, wraps the reader into the emotion of the work.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- succinct but meaningful.
Suggestions -- there is a disconnect in the poem. The first line seems stunted, maybe because you omitted "the" before the "real me". The same sensation continues throughout. It is a different cadence without the qualifier, but if this was an artistic choice, so be it.
The absence of a rhyme scheme (although the ending "me" rhymes, I could not tell if this was on purpose or not) is not a detriment to the structure or flow.
Other Comments -- a short piece enforces maximum usage of word choice and syllabic construction to get the point across. I think you have a good draft, but my reading is a bit blunted by the lack of qualifying "me". I also think the subtlety of the work may be missed or only gained after several readings. Again, if that is the intent, so be it.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- subtle imagery and mood, the work conveys a sensation to the reader.
Suggestions -- I am not a proponent of starting lines, or sentences, with "And" or "For". They are connectors and don't add much to the lines. The "For", in particular, is perhaps a touch formal for this work.
The association of cloud and life is meant to be idyllic, but is disjointed. Clouds do float in the sky, but the speed depends on the wind. Life depends on what? I appreciate the imagery, but I also disagree with the connection.
Read aloud, the piece is smooth, but there are opportunities to explore language and words.
The poem fades and drifts at the end, progressing from the vivid opening and melancholy to inertia. I think your intent was to hammer home the longing, the pangs, but it misses, in my reading.
Other Comments -- well written and specific, I think the ending lets the piece down. Not mightily, but there is something missing from the final words. You want the reader to remember the piece and associate the theme you chose. To me, this is might be an ode to weather rather than missing a loved one.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- a jaunty cadence, the words bounce along. A clear message and intent and call to the reader.
Suggestions -- I am not a fan of using "And" or "So" or "But" to begin lines or sentences. They are connectors and I think they are included as a comfort or crutch. Removing them does not, to my reading, impact the flow or integrity of the poem.
The structure is a touch off. You have a 6-10-9-4, robbing the piece of symmetry. Not a critical component, but there it looks and reads off.
Some of the lines are longer and interrupt the flow, stretching out the syllabic form. It's fine to get the point across, and content over all else, but it sticks out.
The rhyme scheme is touch and go, if there even is one. It seems tenuous and serendipitous, rather than planned.
Other Comments -- a good message to challenge the reader.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- well formed and identifiable. I think you convey the emotions clearly and there is no doubt as to your intentions. Good use of imagery.
Suggestions -- the first stanza seems to be a question, but there is a diminished potency with the punctuation.
No rhyme scheme (nothing wrong with that), but the odd structure is a bit of a jumble. 4-4-3-4-3-4-4. There is also a scattered syllabic usage throughout, which works well at times, but not so at others. For example, second stanza -- "Palpitation went astray" is a evocative line, followed by "leading blood pressure to drop", which has fewer syllables and a dull word choice. Poetry, in my opinion, is as much the cadence and wordplay as anything. Ordinarily I encourage writers to parse their words, but in this case, I would encourage the opposite.
Other Comments -- this struck me on a few levels. As someone who has heart issues, the reality of being examined and having the wires attached is terrifying and comforting. Metaphorically, I appreciate the use to explore the inner emotions. Overall, I think this piece is jarring, which if that was your intent then it worked. What I read, though, could flow.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- a readable work (well-spaced and not jumbled together) -- I appreciate the time you took to make this story presentable. The emotion is clear and the point of view well provided. You use a conversational style to good effect.
Suggestions -- there is an abundance of commas, not all well placed or appropriate. Take care about changing tenses -- going between past, present, and future confuses the reader. If you need to switch case, the reason and intent should be obvious.
This is not writing so much as dictation. There is nothing inherently wrong about a simple, talkative style, that's not so much writing as it is narration. In that case, the reader must like you, the narrator, because that is the only thing holding the work together.
Other Comments -- when I think of a chapter, I envision pages, not paragraphs. Still, the size is of little concern when the content is taken into consideration.
There is some confusion as to the timing of the events. You mention the panic attacks in Chapter 2, and proclaim them to a post-boyfriend event, yet you then go back in time and wonder if he noticed your struggles.
I think this work is a solid draft of the story you want to tell and I encourage you to continue. My advice would be to outline the story and spend time framing the events. You can choose chronological order, by event, or something that connects the story and keeps the reader moving through. Much will depend on the sympathy of the narrator, since this story lacks descriptive elements or imagery outside of the personal feelings of the protagonist.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- a good story with loads of potential. The characters are defined and differentiated. There is a palpable mood. The plot enthralls the reader and carries them to the end of the tale.
Suggestions -- a gentle reminder to proofread your work, always. The first word is BLRUB instead BLURB.
A comma is a separator. You use it in a rather arbitrary manner.
"People were so, happy about Funtime opening; it was new, and exciting. No-one had ever seen an animatronic, let alone a whole set of them so, close. And Funtime Town was meant to be just that; an entire miniature town of fun animatronics that did amazing things. The only staff were cooks, waiters, technicians, and a night guard; the animatronics took care of everything else." -- your first paragraph has several wayward commas.
Here is the corrected version -- "People were so happy about Funtime opening; it was new and exciting. No-one had ever seen an animatronic, let alone a whole set of them so close. And Funtime Town was meant to be just that; an entire miniature town of fun animatronics that did amazing things. The only staff were cooks, waiters, technicians, and a night guard; the animatronics took care of everything else."
I appreciate you use of the semi colon, but be careful with overusing it. If you need punctuation, think about why you are pausing the reader. It might be best to have a second sentence instead of one long string.
Be consistent through the story. Is it Funtime Town or Funtime?
I am not a proponent of starting sentences with "So" -- it is a connector word and reflects how people speak. Unless there is dialog, looking for a different way to start the sentence.
Other Comments -- this is a structural mess, quite honestly. That said, you have what is hardest to create -- a compelling story with definite characters and a mood. The rough bits can be fixed (commas and the like) but this was a pleasure to read.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- the sentiment is clear. A solid structure that provides shape to the work.
Suggestions -- there appears to be a vendetta against "do". The first stanza is missing a connector and the lines seem translated or otherwise unauthentic. The phrases, "when I not think", "when I not wish", "when I not pray" are stilted and jarring. If it is a syllabic construct, I would consider rephrasing. If this was an artistic or stylistic choice, I cannot say I agree with it.
If you intended a rhyme scheme, there is a semblance, but nothing consistent or obvious. The structure is well defined, if a bit lopsided.
Other Comments -- distinct emotions and I believe you captured the moment. There are some choices that make the piece a chore to read, and you could focus on the imagery to empower the piece.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
Apart from the review, please know that people want to help, if you need it and if you allow it.
The Good -- as a description of mood, this is well done. There is a plainness that presents the work in a simple manner. I think it meets your intent.
Suggestions -- too many "ands". "And" is a connector and stringing too many together interrupts the flow you may want to achieve.
You asked for reviews and comments on structure, but I fail to see one. There is no discernible rhyme scheme and you string together thoughts as long as you please. This breaks up the flow of the piece and perhaps mimics your feelings or at least provides the reader with some semblance of your mood.
This is a free verse or prose compilation and, as such, wanders around the page as it pleases. As noted, without containment, the reader ends up following the piece in kind.
The word choice is very plain, and not evocative. The density of the words in the beginning underscores the mood, perhaps, but it also forces the reader to wade through thought after thought.
Other Comments -- I understand that poems can be anything you want, and this reflects that freedom. If you intended for the poem (outside of the words) to portray a sense or mood or emotion, I would have guessed boredom or ennui, not manic. I can suggest that you look at the layout -- perhaps shorter lines and vivid words. As a point in time or frame of reference, you should not change anything, but if you intend to revise and shape the work, think about what you hope to convey.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- a good setting and plot, with a twist.
Suggestions -- some sections are italicized and it is unclear why. I think you meant to italicize internal monologue, but not all parts hew to what I would think of as internalized.
" I given it t had been given to the young couple as a wedding present and they had spent many wonderful weekends there" -- it a bit confusing, I think you either started a new sentence and did not finish, or edited something. Either way, this is not clear.
"Beginning to get scared, ..." -- this is a trite start to an emotional response. I think you can create the mood you want with other language. "Her sense of dread grew..." for example.
I understand this is your universe, and most police require twenty-four hours before declaring someone as a missing person, but I find Marie's reaction to calling 911 odd. I think the last thing the policy would do is jeer or dismiss a lost boater in the dark. Just my thoughts.
Other comments -- you make few attempts to show the reader anything. You have a grad opportunity to describe the setting, emotions, traits, or just about anything and pass. Without that context, the story is drained of most of the tension (in my reading) and the ending is less powerful. The characters are rote -- they perform actions that suit the story, rather than the story compelling action.
Please keep in mind that this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- for the brevity of the piece, it does manage to convey interest and some dread. I appreciate the different format and the different point of view, that of a more official nature.
Suggestions -- I deal with documents like this in my line of work, and so I could go on and on about what a truly redacted official document looks like. While I appreciate the brevity, I also find it underwhelming. I think if you took the time and made a true version of an official form, it would aid the story. Long sections of black marking with a word left here and there would do more to build suspense and horror than the [redacted], which, while clever, leaves the tension a bit short.
Other comments -- If this was a stand alone piece, then it is cute and fun, but not scary. I think there is a vast potential to create an entire story from such forms, or use the form as a vehicle to establish a larger universe and activities. I think the format of an official form that is redacted can be manipulated to show the reader a story, even with the heavy redaction.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- I think there is no doubt where you emotion and passion lie, and it is very clear in this work. The work itself is well written and adheres to a detectable rhyme scheme. The cadence is acceptable.
Suggestions -- you do conjure up some imagery in the work, but I think you could continue to work at it. I would encourage you to examine the word choices and look for syllabic alternatives.
The structure is varied. It causes issues when the bouncing cadence of the work has to adjust to fit the output. The final stanza, with its sixth line, is, in particular, a bit of a stumble.
Even with the rhyme scheme, some of the matches are iffy (opposition--positions, for example).
I am not a fan of starting lines (or sentences) with "And". It is a connecting word and even in a poem, there could be other choices, or just eliminate it. Since you do not have a strict structure, I see no obvious harm to excises "and", but you may have your reasons for including it.
Other Comments -- this is an older work, though it appears you did revise it recently. I won't comment on the intent, though it is clear and evident, and you are to be applauded for your passion. The resignation does wear down the reader over the course of the poem, and the seeming acceptance of the situation, even while accusing the broader society of complicity in a complicated situation, is underwhelming. If the intent was to point a finger, then you have succeeded. If it was an outright condemnation or more vitriolic stance, then not so much.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- you capture the frazzled existence of the mother character. There is a frenetic pace to the writing, an almost scattershot, bouncing wordplay.
Suggestions -- this site does not do well when it comes to formatting works. This is a bit hard to read due to that issue.
Always proofread your work.
"To start of..." -- do you mean "To start off,"? "Elizabeth hanging..." -- did you mean "Elizabeth is hanging"?
I would recommend you not use "aka", but rather "or". Technically, "aka" is an acronym and should be "a.k.a".
Is there a reason for the age specificity for the adults? It's never mentioned again and seems to be a "just because".
Unlike others on this site, you are sparse with your comma usage. But, commas have their place, and your work could do with some pauses and separation. I would encourage you to think through the stream of writing and think when a pause or separation is warranted.
I am not a fan of starting sentences with "So" -- it's a connector and it mimics speech, rather than writing. It can be used in dialog, and perhaps this is meant to be spoken (part of a narration or script).
Other Comments -- this reads like a rushed first draft. I would encourage you to re-read the work, and be careful with each word. I understand you may want a slapdash pace to the story, but you can convey that without missing words or misspellings. You might also want to thin the paragraphs, keeping the thoughts in small chunks, for easier reading.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- consistent rhyme scheme, nothing that trips the tongue. There is a simplicity that enlivens the work.
Suggestions -- some of the lines are stretched or contorted to fit the cadence and scheme. I am not sure this reaches into the depths of darkness, as the genre tag suggests. I found it very light, to be honest, despite the subject matter.
I am not a fan of starting lines or sentences with "And", but in this case, you almost have to do so to connect the thoughts. There might be a way to edit and remove the connectors. I feel the same about "So", as it mimics speaking, which is not writing, unless used in dialog.
Other Comments -- I cannot suggest many edits or improvements, and given the age of the work, you may have moved on.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- an admirable attempt at showing the story, with ample descriptive details.
Suggestions -- I know the default formatting of this site can be a detriment. In this case, you have a dense block of tiny text that is hard to read.
I think the main issue is that the motivation of the protagonist is hinted at, but nothing so profound as to warrant the mental snap that is the story.
I suppose there is some relief that the description of the neighbor's demise is less gory -- it's rather perfunctory. There was little suspense, nothing that shocked me, as the reader. The subtlety was appreciated, even as it dampens the darkness and euphoria you may intend. What you end up with is a rote retelling of a massacre without the horror it could evoke, no motivational insights, nothing other than a recounting of a mass murder spree. Having read the work, I retain no lingering interest in the story or characters as you built no empathy or interest. I suppose there is an argument that the protagonist "snapped" and there is no real reason to explain actions. But, without more the story, all the reader has it what you provide.
"Charleton Lake was driving home when the idea came to him. He was driving again when he decided to act on it." -- If I read this as you intend, the protagonist has an idea during one drive, then decides to act on an entirely different drive. If so, this was not clear the first few times I read the opening.
"leaving behind a tirade of broken stems" -- I think I understand the intent, but I am not convinced tirade is the best word choice. The only definition of tirade is a long angry screed, which does not describe the action taking place. Even if the grass and weeds could revolt, I don't think the word works.
"The rest Charleton got in a spray of bullets at random, perfectly placed in sporadic ways." -- this seems to contradict itself, as you contravene the meaning of perfect and sporadic.
Other Comments -- If you intend to keep the story as is, I would recommend that you look at the word choices. You have a good beginning of a descriptive story, but the words sometime contradict or are not appropriate.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- As an original thought, this is a wonderful sentiment. I agree whole heartedly and endorse the intent and interpretations. As a personal aside, I try to learn one new thing everyday.
Suggestions -- Is that first comma necessary? I am no grammarian, but it seems to separate the thoughts. "To the degree fun enlivens, enjoy it" looks correct. I could be mistaken.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
I read that this was a contest entry. If you have put this to bed, so be it.
The Good -- ah, my old eyes appreciate the increased font size and boldness. There is a simplicity in the action of the story.
Suggestions -- I am not a fan of starting sentences with "And" -- it is a connecting word and implies that the thought or sentence is not unique, but rather follows the preceding thought or sentence.
"Calamon kicked off his last shoe. And leaned back in his chair." -- I think these could be combined into one sentence.
No need to capitalize "Read" after the colon.
"When it did a small stone fell out of it." -- did you mean the shoe or newspaper or both and which it is which. Be specific.
“All except for Norriff. I want to talk to you for a minute.” -- I don't think this should be a separate sentence unless there is an intervening action. The sons should move or respond in some way that breaks up the talk.
"You have been trying on your cloths again" -- did you for mean "your" to "my"? Otherwise, this makes no sense.
Other Comments -- I have a question about the description. All he wanted to do was read his newspaper and relax. Calamon read the newspaper and tossed it aside. I guess if this leads to something else (The End?) it might make sense, but as a standalone, it is confusing.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
The Good -- the staccato rhythm of the work is a good way to convey the churning emotions. Lots of descriptive adverbs. There is not doubt about feelings, for sure.
Suggestions -- I wonder if the format suits the work. All lumped together, the emotional impact is muted. Perhaps putting some of the more bitter lines apart. I think that you could play with the outline and structure and presentation to ratchet up the emotional impact. The short sentences lend themselves to dispersal, or a grouping.
Some of the sentences could be combined, but I respect your choice not to do so.
I don't know that you need the comma in the last line.
Other Comments -- this piece lived up to the genres.
Please keep in mind this is my opinion and nothing more.
Reviewing contest entries is a hit-or-miss proposition. If this is a work you have put to bed, I understand.
The Good -- Twist ending is unexpected. There is some emotional throughput and a point of view.
Suggestions -- look to put unique thoughts in their own sentences. You tend to string everything together, which winds and weaves. I think this is less a laconic piece and more frenetic -- he is on top of a high, hotel roof, after all.
"There was nothing left, his career destroyed, his wife gone, his children hated him. There was nothing to live for, he would end it here." -- commas gone wild. I think the another way for these thoughts would be -- "There was nothing left; his career destroyed, his wife gone, his children hated him. There was nothing to live for; he would end it here." The semi-colons could give way to hyphens if you prefer those. In fact, you should look at comma usage throughout.
Other Comments -- I'm not sure if there was a word count limitation, but you could develop the transition from despair to hope. It's not entirely unbelievable that a desperate person atop a roof could spy mountains in the distant and gain hope. It needs a touch of reinforcement, though. That would make the ending truly gut wrenching.
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