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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sempiternus
Review Requests: OFF
52 Public Reviews Given
52 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Simple, Supportive, and Constructive. I like to suggest where you could take the story from there and look at how characterization can make the story more enticing.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Action/Adventure, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Mystery, Suspense, Thriller
Least Favorite Genres
Romance/Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories
I will not review...
Romance/Erotica. It just isn't in me to review stories based entirely on those concepts. I need there to be more to it.
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lezismore!

I just got done reading through the piece for the second time, and I have to say there is something refreshingly playful about the way this whole thing is put together!

Lets start off with what's great about it. Now I'll be honest with you, puns usually irk me a little bit. I was happy to find that the puns you used, such as "upper-glass" were so smartly placed that they felt natural. Though the story is billed as a children's story, I found that little moments like that where the society of the bottle-beings are described to appeal to me as a more mature reader as well. There's a LOT of cool ways that words are played with and the premise is totally unique. Honestly I came in thinking this was going to be some thinly veiled, preachy story about saving the environment or something. I couldn't have been more wrong.

So lets talk about what I believe could be improved about the story. There was one typo that I noticed in the third to last paragraph. You use the world single where I think you mean to use the word signal. That was the only real error I could find. In looking at ways you could improve the story I would say look to add more colorful imagery, as it will grab readers (especially those of a younger sort). I think it would be interesting to know more about the societies of the different container factions!

Overall it's a unique premise and fairly well written. Keep iterating on it and refining it, and you might just have the next big children's book!
2
2
Review of Hunt You Down  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Rturner!

Well let me just say that you have a wonderful fiction fleshed out here. I'd like to see more of this world. The town they live in sort of reminds me of the vaults if you ever played Fallout. It's interesting to note that the world has returned to monarchy and it's something that could possibly happen given the circumstances. I'm a sucker for anything post-apocalyptic, so I drank this story right up. I'm assuming that it isn't quite complete yet and I'll be checking back to see if you add to it, but so far this vignette of living in an imperfect society in an inhospitable world is enticing.

This has no effect on the score, but consider indenting the paragraphs or putting spaces between them. It helps us read. (:

Thanks for sharing this interesting story, and keep on writing

Sincerely,
Tyler
3
3
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Lucia

Thank you for your interesting article. I actually had no idea that Fight or Flight syndrome had ongoing effects which could cause problems in adulthood. I'll definitely be sharing this article with a few people. This article has inspired me to do more research on the subject!

Keep writing!

Sincerely,
Tyler
4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Ruby

First of all, it's a very cool story, and I really enjoyed reading it. You wanted my opinion, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I wanted to point out that from what I've read, in that time period the woman was subservient to the man. I only say this in case you're looking for historical accuracy.I say this because the woman kind of takes more of a leadership role. Please understand that I'm not sexist, and I'm all for women's rights, but that I am trying to give you a feel for the social climate of the times.

Otherwise this story is brilliant! Thank you for the awesome read!

Sincerely,
Tyler
5
5
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Kristi

I want to start off by saying that a book for children regarding abuse is probably for the better in this day in age, as awareness of abuse isn't nearly as high as it should be. I commend you for managing to keep things rated PG even though the subject matter is of a darker, more violent nature. I never grew up with abuse but I knew people that did and some of them didn't even know they were being abused! Hopefully you finish this book and it can help enlighten children to what abuse is without exposing them to subject matter that is too racy.

Keep writing!

Sincerely,
Tyler
6
6
Review of Liberty  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Jaiam,

This is an interesting piece of work, and the picture that goes along with it really drives the point home. Liberty through death is something I think that many people experience once they've grown old. and I do enjoy that the poem has a religious aspect to it. Though I'm not entirely religious, I do like to read things that are.

I wouldn't change anything. This is just a really, really cool poem!

Sincerely,
Tyler
7
7
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear flcomeau

I ended up having to read this a couple of times to completely understand it. In many ways this essay is like a puzzle box, and deciphering it right off the bat with just a casual reading was nearly impossible for me. I particularly enjoyed what you did with the footnotes; I'm not sure I've seen anything quite like it before. I think you really took what your assignment said to heart, and this piece worked really well. I certainly wouldn't change a thing about it!

Sincerely,
Tyler
8
8
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Keaton

Well you're certainly right about one thing, it is a twisted poem. Luckily, I deal in the twisted so there was offense for me in this. It's well written, and the imagery is great, though the thought of stomping on puppies was enough make me cringe.

The ongoing lines of this poem give in this hint of rambling insanity that's just really cool. I definitely like your style, and I'll check out more of your work.

sincerely,
Tyler
9
9
Review of Unrequited  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear HuntersMoon

I really, really enjoyed this poem, and I haven't seen anyone write a sonnet so structurally sound in a very long time. The first stanza is brilliant in that it takes a line from Shakespeare's work and twists it around. I like that you seem to be saying that word are in fact just words, which couldn't be more true. It hurts to lose someone, even more so when you realize that they fooled you with empty words.

For me this is an example of a perfect sonnet, and I wish you luck in the contest!

Sincerely,
Tyler
10
10
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Linkkirby0

I'd like to start off by recommending that you just adjust the font of your piece to be more readable. I had to strain my eyes to read everything through, which never feels good as the reader. It can actually distract a person from their true feelings on the writing itself.

You definitely have an interesting fiction here that I'd like to see you expand upon in further writings. I love pretty much anything with a multi-verse aspect, and I think if you flesh this out enough it would make a very good novel or novella, depending on what you yourself have the patience to write. I'd like to learn more about The Gods, and the different versions of the universe.

Hopefully you'll write more of this world in the future.

Sincerely,
Tyler
11
11
Review of Passing  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Crimsonette,

I enjoyed this poem, and I think that it is very heartfelt. The very first like was the best image of the entire piece, and I actually drew a comparison to the death of Christ in the Christian faith and how they rolled a stone in front of his tomb. I don't know if it was intended or not, but it was extremely effective.

My only opinion on how you could go about making this piece better is working to add more interesting imagery like that one in the very first line.

I can't wait to see more of your work!

Sincerely,
Tyler
12
12
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Hispanic Attack

A lot of people will try to write something terribly sappy, but this story has a darker feel to it. There's still a lot of love put into it, certainly, but it doesn't simply feel like fluff which to me is important if you're going to write something like this (A lot of writers go wrong with they start making everything flowery).

There's a lot of honesty in this story, and I think that suggesting any edits would take away from that. If it were simply a story I might be more inclined to do a more in depth review, but as it is partially a love letter I feel inclined to leave it at this simple statement: It works.

Sincerely,
Tyler
13
13
Review of Healing  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Tigress

This is an impressive poem, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm going to share it with a close friend of mine because she's going through a dark time in her life right now herself. I really enjoyed the imagery, and I think the message of the poem that one should not give up hope is universal.

The only minor issue in my opinion is that second to last stanza's last two lines. I guess if it were me I wouldn't end a line with up twice. This is just my opinion though and it doesn't really detract from the poem. I'm just saying that's something you could look at.

There is talent here, and though the poem is rather straightforward it's still deep. It's a simple, accessible read! I hope you'll continue writing and that you'll continue to learn and hone the craft!

Sincerely,
Tyler
14
14
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Flcomeau

I want to start off by saying that this poem is very bright and inspirational, which is rather nice. I think you definitely have the potential to be a great poet, but there are a few things that you could stand to work on in my opinion:

One of the main points in poetry is to show rather than tell, meaning you should use imagery. There is one really cool piece of imagery here actually, when you state "right behind my eyes the thoughts emerge"

The poem, in my opinion, is almost a little too guiding to the reader. I don't like to use the word preachy lightly, but it does seem that way to me. This is very much an opinion, and there really isn't anything wrong with it technically, it's just something you might want to look into.

That being said there is talent here, and this is by no means a bad poem! I think you've got the basis for something that you could turn into a much deeper, more thoughtful work! I hope you'll revisit it again someday soon. I'll be checking back to see how your work is coming along and to offer any tips that I can provide for you.

Sincerely,
Tyler
15
15
Review of Official January  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really, really like the rhythm and rhyme scheme of your poem! The imagery here is brilliant as well. I have to say the last stanza is particularly vivid. This is a great example of turning something as simple as going to work at an office building as a reason to contemplate life. This is a great poem, and I look forward to see more of your work in the future.
16
16
Review of Dreams  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As someone who was bullied throughout high school I can relate to the poem. There's no real rhyme scheme here of course, but some of the lines do rhyme which is neat in itself. There's also some slant rhyme which is equally cool. There's a little Poe in the last stanza. Overall it's not the best poem I've read (It's a little bit scatterbrained, and you'd do well to consolidate your thoughts), but it works on an emotional level, and that's what really matters with poetry. Keep writing!
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