I's scart at first that man done run into Bad Buck's cat, but this were too professionally written for a Bad Buck tale. Truly, at times I had to remind myself I was reading something from the boards, not something from a published anthology.
The only minor quibble I have is why exactly did they want to prevent anyone from being there? Because they'd always get lost? Because there's majic up in the mountains? Because there's something in the lake? Mayhaps its me what missed something.
Here are some of my fav lines:
The highway vanished behind him and the distant traffic noise was lost in the whisper of wind in the pines.
This was 2007, not 1807. There was a greater chance of tripping over people when you wanted to be alone than of getting lost in the woods. He wished he would trip over some of those people right now.
One other thought. When I ran across the line below, I thought wouldn't it be something if ya could work a raccoon into every story....in a cameo role--like Hitchcock used to put himself into his movies?
The raccoon jumped off his chest and darted out the broken window above the bed.
I love the feel of a Hitchcock hand in this, but think the drama could be built more effectively. Because the title indicates that this is part one of a continuation, the following remarks may not truly apply, but I think, with a little tweaking ,it could stand on its own as a piece of flash fiction.
Going under that assumption, I would suggest the following:
(1) Don’t give it away in the title
(2) Make mention of a sharp chef’s knife that he uses in his cooking.
(3) Don’t mention giving up the meds until immediately before “I think next Wednesday…….go to the supermarket to get some groceries and the beautiful blond lady.” That would be a chilling last line!
A few minor structuring suggestions:
“My hobbies include reading (I love the horrors from the masters like James Herbert and Shaun Hut son), walking & like to take some …….would change to “and taking …..”
“This is why I shop through…..would change to “during”
“Her shoulder length blond hair looks like silk and when she leaned over I could tell that it smelled like strawberries. “ Would change this to make the verbs agree and delete “I could tell” as it isn’t necessary. In other words, “Her shoulder length blond hair looked like silk and, when she leaned over, it smelled like strawberries.”
I hope this is helpful. Again, I think this could be a tasty little tidbit of flash fiction with some tightening. I’ll look for part 2 to see where you’ve gone with it.
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