I like the dawning of truth to this story, that the battle hardened soldier could feel remorse for actions done in ignorance instead of rationalizing that the means justified the end.
There is inconsistencies with the way Sarge's name is spelled. Fortas, Forta’s, Forta... nothing that find and replace can't fix.
I especially liked this line: The Kharg counterattacked before they finished destroying it,boiling out of the debris like a nest of angry wasps. Good mental imagery.
My apologies for the massive delay in reviewing your work. My bad.
I liked this story. However, a couple of things caught my eye:
a) What type of pen did Virginia use, because I have a mental image of a little old lady with a ball point pen, which begs the question of whether she would have adequate strength to puncture skin & muscle? Because with a nibbed pen, I can see it happening easier, as the nib would act blade-like rather than a blunt puncture like a ball point pen.
b) In the line “There’s a big long list here of the spiders they found. Brown recluse?” , big and long is redundant. I'd go with just one, i.e. "There's a long list here of the spiders found."
Aside from those two things, I can't think of anything else that caught my editorial eye.
Well written with a good flow. Was taken up with the story line from the get-go. All four threads were used-- I especially liked the twist you added with the memory thread.
Things I spotted:
There were wide expanses of dialog with little action; I've heard it suggested that every three lines of dialog or so should include a movement of some sort. Otherwise, grammar, plot and character development were spot-on.
Overall impression:
I liked the modern take of your tale. And the court scene made me chuckle. Well done!
Laughed out loud at the statue of Beiber bit... shudder.
Grammar wise, I didn't notice anything huge, other than 6 paragraphs down, there's an odd break. [ Because of technological advances, 500 years ago in Pupherton it would have taken 10 hours for one person to produce something that would take someone 100 year ago in
Pupherton one hour to do, and today take only 10 minutes to do. ]
I was nearly reduced to tears when I read this-- I almost put my daughter up for adoption just over a year ago, and you caught Olivia's emotions well. For me, I had to come to terms that my daughter would call someone else mother, that when she got an ouchie, I wouldn't be the one to care for her, or teach her to love, or morals. That I wouldn't be a part of her life. However, I didn't go through with it and still have my baby girl, so yay for that. But the emotions you evoked with Olivia's feelings felt very close to what I felt.
There was only one suggestion I can make:
She couldn’t stop the tears from falling, as she touched the silver heart set with diamonds, outsized (oversized) against the infant’s chest.
Outsized just didn't work for me. When I read it, I actually stopped to make sure it wasn't "oversized"-- it interrupted the flow of thought.
Otherwise, good job and I look forward to reading Chapter One!
-Seren
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/seren
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 3:39am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
