Hi there,
Firstly, hanks for posting this piece.
I think it's great that you are able to write about what your friends and relatives have faced with such empathy. I found your imagery very moving.
Because I see so much potential in the piece, i'm going to be more nit picky than usual. Some of your lines contain too many syllables, which ruins the rhythm of the piece. I've take the liberty of doing an all over correction of these scanning errors and posted below for you. Feel free to ignore it, it's your baby after all, but I'd rather you spent your time working on another piece for me to read rather than working to correct it yourself!
Little lamb, little lamb,
I know no longer who I am.
Little fish, little fish,
why won't you just grant my wish?
Little hope, little hope,
why can I not seem to cope?
Little dreams, little dreams,
life is never as it seems.
Little lost, little lost,
I've paid exorbitant cost.
Little soul, little soul,
sinks in to a big black hole.
Rescue me, rescue me.
the voices won't stop haunting me!
I want out, I want out.
This is not what life's about.
Little nothing, little nothing,
My heart is no longer singing.
Help me please, help me please,
Will this be my destiny?
My head spins, my head spins.
Can't see where what's real begins.
Real true friends, real true friends,
I pray that the nightmare ends.
What a lovely, visual feast of a poem! Really enjoyed reading it, and your use of imagery really transported me to the beautiful place your piece describes. One tweak I would make, is to change the line "To the exquisite fruit-bearing ones". Not sure I like the use of the word "ones", doesn't seem to round the couplet off. You could try something like "to the boughs that grasp exquisite fruit". Just a suggestion anyway, feel free to ignore!
Best wishes,
Maud
I really liked this. It's tackling a difficult subject, and you do it masterfully.
At first I was going to give you some points for making it scan better, match up etc,, but actually I don't think that would be right. It's a stream of consciousness almost, and at it's core it's not meant to be regular and polished.
I can't decide whether I like the utilising of extensive vocabulary or whether it feels contrived and a little out of place. I guess you'll know yourself whether you used those words purposefully or whether you did a thesaurus, but I if I choose to see it as non-accidental I actually like the juxtaposition to the subject matter.
Keep it up, this really got me thinking!
Cheers,
S
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