Pretty in Black's (sesamestreet) Reviews

Pretty in Black

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196 Public Reviews Given

437 Total Reviews Given

1

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#1435834

Review of The Seagulls' Cries

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Greetings Ann Ticipation

Review of "The Seagulls' Cries"

13+: Written after hearing a disturbing account on the news.

Things I Liked:

[ Daddy will come and save me soon he thought
wishing with all his heart that he was here,
the boy sobbed out a comforting nursery tune,
daddy as usual was out pubbing, drinking beer. ]

I just loved the fifth stanza, particularly the first four lines... Very well written!

I liked the ending, which was also nicely done. The exclamation point at the very end helps to empahasize your powerful finish.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Daddy will come and save me soon he thought ]

Insert a comma after “save me soon”

[ daddy as usual was out pubbing, drinking beer. ]

“daddy” needs to be capitalized because it’s being used as a name in this case

[ The boy might just as well asked for the moon. ]

“asked” should either be changed to “ask” or “have asked”

[ Never talk to strangers mummy had once taught. ]

Insert a comma after “Never talk to strangers”

“mummy” needs to be capitalized because it’s being used as a name in this case

[ Mummy I wish you had not left and gone away, ]

Insert a comma after “Mummy”

[ Now safe in God's arms, out of harms reach
cruelly abandoned by paedophiles, left to die! ]

An apostrophe is needed in “harms”

harm’s reach

I believe “paedophiles” should be “pedophiles”

Overall Impression:

Other than a few mechanical errors, this was a wonderful poem! You did a superb job with the that tricky rhyme scheme, no problems at all. And you also managed to tell a tragic story at the same time--well done!

Thanks for sharing; I enjoyed this piece. Keep writing!

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1393853

Review of Silver Rain

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings Minerva

Review of "Silver Rain"

13+: A young Jew's life and death during WWII.

Things I Liked:

You did a wonderful job with the flashbacks in this story; the transitionions from the past and the present were doing very well and without any bumps.

I loved the ending! It was so beautifully written, and I really liked how you made it peaceful, how David realizes that he holds no hate, even for those that are murdering him and his family. It conveys a very strong message.

The story itself is well written. You've done a super job with getting names, dates, and all the facts about the Holocaust very accurate.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ But how?” ha asked, shocked. ]

"ha" should be "he"

[ Father didn’t say anything – or doing anything for that matter. ]

"doing" should be "do"

[ She died simply because the German’s think women are no good so they killed them all. ]

The apostrophe in "German's" is not needed

[ All the women who experienced the same train ride I did all perished. ]

Consider deleting one of the two "all"s in this sentence

[ I deceitful tones, we’re told we’re taking a shower. ]

"I" should be "In"

Overall Impression:

I enjoy reading historical-fiction, and this powerfully moving story was no exception. You truly did a fantastic job with this story, and I certainly hope you got an A+ for it. Thanks so much for sharing... Keep writing!

My Rating:

5.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1378972

Review of Relief by Death

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Greetings kclover

Review of "Relief by Death"

ASR: 55 word short story for the current contest

Things I Liked:

Writing a story--a real one, with a plot, solution, beginning, and end--in just 55 words can be quite a challenge... But you did it very well! I loved this short but powerful piece, and you did a great job with writing this in few so words.

The ending is very poetic and beautiful. It suits this story well and is a perfect way to finish. Excellent job.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Through a peaceful sleep her pain has now been removed. ]

Insert a ocmma after "Through a peaceful sleep"

[ Those left behind mourn with an underlying sense of release that they no longer have to view the shell of what used to be a vibrant lively soul. ]

Shouldn't "release" be "relief"?

Overall Impression:

Overall, this is a beautifully written piece--very descrptive and flowing--and I wish you best of luck in the contest! Thank you for sharing... Keep writing.

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1372931

Review of The Knock

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Greetings John Winter

Review of "The Knock"

ASR: A short story based on the death of my sister.

Things I Liked:

[ I turn on the TV and flip through channels for a moment before finally choosing Gilligan's Island -- high quality TV for five in the morning. ]

I absolutely loved the detail in this story! You did a super job, and these two particular sentences especially stood out to me as wonderful writing. Little details like these just make the story so much more interesting, unique, and memorable.

[ I continue to stare out the window, taking notice small details -- a raccoon climbs down from a tree to scavenge some food for its young, a small red sports car passes us at a reckless speed, and in the long string of streetlights, one has burned out. ]

Stories written in present tense, first person, in my opinion, are a bit difficult to write well. But you managed it just fine here. Nice job!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ I hadn't even had time to unpack since I came home from dad's last week with news that Heather would be home by the end of the week. ]

"dad's" should be capitalized because it is being used as a name, not a noun, in this case.

[ Zipping up the back pack I flip off the light, open the door, and step into the living room.]

Insert a comma after "Zipping up the back pack"

[ Closing the door I begin to walk with my dad and step-mom to the side door. ]

Insert a comma after "closing the door"

[ My stepsister, Andrea, is sitting on the floor in front of the sink with her knees to her chest drinking tea. ]

Insert a comma after "with her knees to her chest"

[ Both of these picture were perfectly centered -- amazing for a six year old. ]

"picture" should be plural

[ As I set the glass back down, mom sits down on the chair and starts to tell me and Andrea what she knows so far.]

"mom" should be capitalized because it's being used as a name, not a noun, in this case.

[ you two probably won't be in until at least next Monday," my step-mom says turning towards Andrea and I. ]

Insert a comma after "my step-mom says"

Overall Impression:

The one thing I wondered about at the end was the little girl, Heather, herself. At one point in the story you mention that she is six years old, but there is still a lot about her that we do not know. What did she look like? What was her personality? What was the cause of her death? These are key questions, so you may want to consider answering them!

Overall, you captured and held my interest from beginning to end in this beautifully written story... I loved it. Thank you for sharing; keep writing!

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

5

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#1371559

Review of Fatal Exception:Kiss of Death

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Greetings S. Tilghman Hawthorne

Review of "Fatal Exception:Kiss of Death"

ASR: This is a satirical Fantasy based on a message I actually received in my e-mail once!

Things I Liked:

Computers have always given me grief, too, so I could definitely relate to this funny story! The humor is wonderful.

The title, Fatal Exception: Kiss of Death, caught my interest right away. Good job with drawing the reader in.

The whole idea of this piece is great. I loved the scene where the men with guns come in after Hal receives the message on the screen. A very melodramatic ending--but comical and ironic at the same time!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ A soothing tone played and a message popped up: Would you like to register now?” it asked. ]

You've forgotten the beginning quotation mark in this sentence.

[ Two hours later in total and complete frustration, he threw the mouse across the room ]

Insert a comma after "Two hours later"

[ “We’re from Macrosoft, sir, we understand there’s a problem with your computer,” ]

I'm not sure if you intended for "Macrosoft" to be the name, or if you were trying to write "Microsoft" instead.

Overall Impression:

This story was a bit on the short side. I would've liked to know more about Hal, who he is, his job, his age, his physical features, personality, etc. A bit more description could make the story a lot more exciting, as well.

Overall, what you have here is a wonderful start but I feel that with a few revisions, it could be even better. Thanks for sharing--and for making me smile! Keep writing.

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1371351

Review of Hiccups and Lost Voices

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Greetings feelingfine

Review of "Hiccups and Lost Voices"

13+: A story of my worst day in school, PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!! thanks :)

Things I Liked:

[ The teacher’s eyes search the classroom, for someone to prey upon. It has to be someone who doesn’t want it, of course, so I have to look like I’ll answer the question. ]

I loved this story because I could relate to it! Like the sentence above--I know exactly what you're talking about. You have to do the opposite: if you have no clue, just raise your hand and shout me! me! me! but if you know the answer, you have to pretend to be asleep.

Wow, what emotion! You did a great job conveying the character's feelings and thoughts to the reader. Excellent characterization in this story.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Don’t call on her- she’ll make the homework look to easy! ]

"to easy" should be "too easy"

[ I’m crouched to over too far. ]

I believe you accidentally added in an extra word in "I'm crouched to over too far"

[ “Al…” she says the last syllable of my name and I know it’s over. I start thinking of ways to start my obituary. ]

[ Whatever, they all sound good, I just hope they will remember me before this stupid day. ]

Did you perhaps mean "after" instead of "before" in this sentence? It just seems to make more sense, to me at least.

Overall Impression:

The one thing I noticed in your story was that you sometimes tended to use exclamation marks a bit too much. For example:

[ I avoid any eye contact at all- NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t call on me! ]

Although I loved this sentence and nearly laughed out loud, the amount of exclamation marks in this sentence is just too excessive. You may want to consider deleting a few.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was funny, realistic, and something I felt I could relate to (school just started again for me

). Thanks for sharing--and for making me smile. Keep writing!

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1365308

Review of The Stair that Wasn't There

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Greetings stellina

Review of "The Stair that Wasn't There"

18+: Miranda's New Orleans hotel has some unusual restrictions--and for a good reason.

Things I Liked:

[ After the heavy doors thumped shut behind her, Miranda padded down the hallway towards her room, trailing her fingers along the rose moiré wallpaper between doors. 201, 203, 205, 207, turn, 209, 211, 213, 215, turn. The suites. 217, 219. Stop. ]

I loved this paragraph! You did such a wonderful job with describing the scene and building suspense--just like the rest of the story. Well done!

The ending was perfect for this piece. Simple, yet effective and powerful. I love the whole idea of this story--a haunted hotel with invisible rooms. Very creative!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ The woman’s looked uncomfortable, but her voice was firm. ]

"woman's" should be "woman", I believe.

[ "Here's good," Jack said, and plonked himself down on the curb. ]

"plonked" is not a word; perhaps you meant "plunked"?

[ Yawning, she fumbled the key out of her pocket, looking as she always did to her left at the big window that opened onto the gallerie— ]

"gallerie" should be "gallery"

Overall Impression:

Overall, I really enjoyed your spooky and chilling short story. It was well written--the setting, characters, plot, mysterious ending, and writing style were all excellent. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!

My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1365251

Review of Ruby the Untalented Talent Scout

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings spidey

Review of "Ruby the Untalented Talent Scout"

13+: Ruby the Reindeer is an untalented galactic talent agent!

Things I Liked:

[ Ruby became a talent agent for the Rainbow Talent Agency, which specialized in talent of all races, colors, species, genders, etc. ]

What a great use of the prompt word "rainbow", spidey! You did a super job incorporating all twenty words into your story smoothly and in a way so that they made sense.

I loved this story! It's well written--fresh, fun, and comical. The ending is a wonderful way to finish. Although you don't actually come out and say what exactly happens, the reader is able to understand what you are implying--and the way it is worded makes it much more humorous and creative then just writing it directly.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ In fact, many humans saw strange things everyday, but they block them out; ]

"block" should be "blocked"--past tense.

[ All of a sudden, as Ruby was wallking down the street, the skies started to turn very dark and the wind picked up. ]

"wallking" should be "walking"

[ It was at that moment that a large branch hit Ruby over the head knocking her unconscious for the rest of the night. ]

Insert a comma fater "hit Ruby over the head"

Overall Impression:

I really enjoyed this delightful story! The humor is great from beginning to end and entertaining throughout. You did a wonderful job. Thanks for the chuckles! Keep writing.

Thank you for entering "Anything Goes!"

. Because you used twenty prompt words, you will receive 1,000 GPs. I appreciate your entry. Good luck in the contest!

My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1363883

Review of Palpable evil…

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings diggle12

Review of "Palpable evil…"

18+: Serial killer gets surprise.

Things I Liked:

[ His face was one of those you’d have trouble describing to the police even if the mugging just happened minutes ago. ]

The metaphors and similes used in this story were unbelievable. Every other sentence there was a new creative, clever simile/metaphor, it seemed like. The descriptions and details were great, as well. These two lines are a couple of my favorites!

[ Evil was his stock in trade.]

I loved the ending... What a great twist--actually two twists! Great job.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ This was not an area known for it’s warmth or hospitality. ]

The apostrophe in “it’s” is not needed in this case.

[ Walking a little faster, Rena turned the corner leaving Mr. Litter behind…]

Insert a comma after “turned the corner”

[ just being there in that neighborhood on that long winters’ night was enough to generate interest.]

“winters’ night” should be “winter’s night”

[ The driver didn’t seem to notice the young woman as he continued on and she relaxed a little as he speeded up a little. ]

Consider deleting one of the “little”s because using the same word twice in one sentence is a bet repetitious.

[ It was there that the trap would spring shut rendering the helpless victim easy prey for the savage beast. ]

Insert a comma after “would spring shut”

[ He threw down the toothpick he was chewing and moved silently after little Rena feeling a certain sick elation within. ]

Insert a comma after “moved silently after little Rena”

[ She did not struggle and made not a single sound as he forced her to the blind spot threatening with Mr. Razor to guarantee her complete cooperation. ]

Insert a comma after “forced her to the blind spot”

[ The bad man stopped his assault and backed away staring in stunned disbelief at the badge.]

Insert a comma after “and backed away”

[ She just stood there a moment too holding the badge in front of her like a shield of old savoring the moment. ]

Insert a comma after “stood there a moment too” and another comma after “like a shield of old”

[ Rena cooed, “is something wrong darling?” ]

Insert a comma after “is something wrong”

[ her right hand caught it in mid-swing stopping it as surely as the last out in a world series. ]

Insert a comma after “caught it in mid-swing”

[ Her fingers tightened just as easily as an industrial machine on an assembly line crushing the flesh and bones as if they were clay. ]

Insert a comma after “industrial machine on an assembly line”

Overall Impression:

Although you had a slight problem with commas, this was a very well written story. You did a superb job, and I really enjoyed this vivid piece. Keep writing!

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1357414

Review of Haunted Hallway

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Greetings Captain Colossal

Review of "Haunted Hallway"

ASR: Natalie is alone in the haunted hallway! It's dark and scary and there are monsters!

Things I Liked:

[ Natalie crept down the dark hallway. Her flashlight gave a treacherous flicker. Her breath trembled. Her heart pounded. ]

This is a great descriptive, exciting introduction. Right away the reader begins to wonder What's going on?

The ending is just as well written as the beginning... It turned the whole story around from a scary horror to a light-hearted and comical piece. The tone and style of this story is perfect for children, and I think they'd get as big a kick out of it as I did. Nice job!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ She covered her head, she remembered in school they taught her to do that when something bad was happening. ]

The first comma should either be changed to a semi-colon or period.

[ Something creaked behind her. ]

This is the third time in your short story that you have used the same verb, creaked. Try to avoid overusing words because it can get a bit repetitive.

[ There was another monster. ]

Who is this other monster? The first is her father, but I did not understand this sentence about another one.

Overall Impression:

The only thing I wondered about was what exactly Natalie was doing creeping around the dark hallway. At first I thought perhaps the electricity had gone out, but it was never explained. You may want to consider adding that detail in!

Whenever reading flash fiction, I always look for three things that I believe are essential elements to a good microfiction story:

Details/Descriptions

Action/Adventure

A Surprising Ending

You did an excellent job with all three! I really enjoyed this delightful children's story, Sally. Keep writing!

My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1356291

Review of Freshman beat down Day

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings greenicat089

Review of "Freshman beat down Day"

E: A fun poem about being a freshmen in highschool.

Things I Liked:

I just experienced my first day as a highschool freshman Monday… I liked this poem because I could relate. I felt just like the freshman in this poem—oh no, seniors!

—and think you did a wonderful job with capturing the character’s feelings and making it all very realistic.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

First Stanza, Third Line:
[ A freshmen comes running past, ]

“freshmen” should be “freshman” (singular, not plural).

Second Stanza, Second Line:
[ As I hear a freshmen shout, ]

“freshmen” should be “freshman”

Second Stanza, Third Line:
[ I quickly give a silent pray, ]

“pray” should be “prayer”—I understand that this disrupts the rhyme, but you can reword a bit to make it fit again… For example

”In the hall I silently pray”

Fourth Stanza, Second Line:
[ Of freshmen’s tossed and cast aside, ]

“freshmen’s” should be “freshmen”

Fourth Stanza, Third Line:
[ Oh what horrors would come next? ]

Insert a comma after “Oh”

Fifth Stanza, Second Line:
[ And nosily thrown across the room, ]

“nosily” should be “noisily”

Fifth Stanza, Fourth Line:
To hear the freshmen’s shout, ]

“freshmen’s” should be “freshmen”

Seventh Stanza, Third & Fourth Lines:
[ They grabbed my arms, and with much laughter,
And threw me in a small blue locker, ]

Using the word “and” twice is a bit repetitive. Consider deleting the “And” at the beginning of the second line and replacing it with “they”.

Eighth Stanza, Third Line:
[ Freshmen’s gather, shaken and distraught, ]

“freshmen’s” should be “freshmen”

Ninth Stanza, Second Line:
[ When I’m a senior King of the Rink, ]

Insert a comma after “senior”

Overall Impression:

Your poem had no problems with rhyme, except for the seventh stanza, which you may want to double check because “laughter” and “locker” are not perfect rhymes. Other than those couple lines though, no problems here.

The rhythm and meter are excellent for the most part (just remember to try to make sure each line has around the same number of syllables), and the poem flows well from line to line. You did a good job with details, emotions, and expressions, as well. Like I said earlier, you got right into the freshman’s mind and wrote down exactly how a first-day highschooler would most likely feel—nervous, excited, scared, anxious.

I liked this poem! It was funny and truthfully honest (although I’ve never actually seen anyone get stuffed in a locker

); I enjoyed it… Good luck with highschool!

Keep writing.

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1356131

Review of Sticking to It

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Greetings Spartus

Review of "Sticking to It"

E: A writer is purposely stuck to his chair by his own wish.

Things I Liked:

What a great idea--a man literally stuck to his chair until he finishes his work--I love it! You really mean it when you say "sticking to it", now don't you?

This is such a neat idea for a story.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Kevin Panter was sitting on his desk chair in front of his computer wishing he could finish his novel. ]

Insert a comma after "computer".

[ "I wish I could'nt get out of this chair until I have finished this entire story", ]

"could'nt" should be "couldn't".

[ So he had to hurry as usual like with most things in his life. ]

I had to read this sentence a couple of times before I understood what you were trying to say. By rewording and switching around a couple of words, you can easily make your point clearer, so you may want to consdier doing that.

[ Next, the door to the study opened, Mark Tarsh entered; he was Kevin's friend. ]

You either need to change the second comma to a semi-colon, start a new sentence, or insert the word "and" into the sentence.

Overall Impression:

Like I said above, you already have a very creative plot line. Now you just need to expand on that idea! What you have so far is what I would consider more of a rough draft or outline than a finished story...

Your story is quite short. You may want to take your time elaborating some points and explaining the situation fully. Get inside the character's head. Tell the reader more about Kevin... What's his personality? What does he look like? His interests, hobbies, job, etc. Try to include lots of descriptive details and use a good vocabulary, as well.

This story has the potential to be quite humorous and entertaining with a bit of work and revising. Keep writing!

My Rating:

2.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1353198

Review of Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Greetings avidwriter

Review of "Mirror, Mirror On The Wall"

E: The background of the evil queen in the "Snow White" fairy tale

Things I Liked:

I always enjoy a good parody and your twisted fairy tale was no exception. It’s interesting to get to know why the queen is so evil; I’ve never considered it before.

Love the creativity!

[She is the queen of wickedness, who's hatred of Snow White brought doom on herself. Her own conceit brought death and destruction to her and her realm. She is known as the wicked queen in the "Snow White" Fairy Tale, hated by all children, young and old. ]

Great introduction... You hook the reader in right away. Nice job!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ She is the queen of wickedness, who's hatred of Snow White brought doom on herself. ]

“who’s hatred” should be “whose hatred”

[ The death of her pony and her father occurring within nearly four months, was more than she could tolerate. ]

The comma in this sentence is not needed.

Overall Impression:

You've set up a great story here and are off to a pretty good start, but it just leads no where. So now we know why the Queen is supposedly evil, but now what happens?

It may be just me, but I just don't think that her father and pony dying is a pliable reason for the Queen to turn so rotten and cruel. People's fathers and pets pass away all the time... You may want to consider adding something else in, a really big twist. Just an idea!

Overall, I like what you have so far and cannot wait to read more. Keep writing!

My Rating:

3.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1340972

Review of The 2004 Convention Contest

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

This is a great idea, Lexi

(Now I know where to go to find all the news on Convention 2004). If you need some extra help with judging, just let me know and I'd be glad to help.
Good luck with this contest--looks like you've got quite a few entries already.

Take care,
Jamie
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#1303409

Review of Signs

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Excellent poem, Gina... Very powerful. I agree with what you are saying.

The rhythm and meter are good, but there are a couple spots where the rhyme is not quite there. You may want to double check stanzas three and seven.

One suggestion:
First stanza, third line "The governments in charge,"
An apostrophe is needed in "goverments" goverment's

Other than that, great job! Write on

Take care,
Jamie

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#1301286

Review of Sometimes

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Welcome to Writing.Com! Congratulations on posting your first item and becoming a registerd author.

This poem definitely made me smile. I have a thirteen year old sister and sometimes we don't get along that great. So, I liked this because I found myself relating to your situation.

It seemed to me like you were holding back a bit in this poem. It's a bit simple, perhaps too simple. Try elaborating, adding on. What else does your sister do that doesn't make sense besides singing songs?

Overall, this is a good start. With a little work, your poem could be wonderful. Feel free to send me an eMail if you do some editing.

Take care,
Jamie

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#1270365

Review of 1- My secret garden fairy

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings leajones-inkjunky

Review of "1- My secret garden fairy"

Overall Impression:

This is a very sweet and delightful children's story... I think children would love it.

The only thing you might want to work on a bit more is descriptive details. You describe the fairy as tiny and golden-winged but what else can you tell us about her? Does she have long hair? Is her skirt made from a tulip? (That's how I always envisioned fairies

) How long as she been living in the garden without Tessie knowing?

This might make a nice little book... Perhaps Tessie and her fairy friend could have some adventures in the future. I'd be curious to see what happens next!

Keep writing.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ "Good morning little birds," Tessie called, as she ran down toward her garden skipping happily. ]

The comma after “Tessie called” is not needed

Insert a comma after “Good morning”

[ Tessie rambled through her mothers kitchen drawer ]

Insert an apostrophe in “mothers”

mother’s

[ Tessie ran off to fetch her mothers clippers once again, soon returning full of excitement. ]

Insert an apostrophe in “mothers”

mother’s

[ "Well if you sing a lovely song I'm sure she'll come out to meet you," ]

Insert a comma after “Well”

[ "I know that one," Tessie declared clapping her hands joyfully. ]

Insert a comma after “Tessie declared”

[ "Oh I'm sure that's not true," the little bird assured her. ]

Insert a comma after “Oh”

[ "Yes you do," the little winged creature said. ]

Insert a comma after “Yes”

[ and the morning dew holds them together so well," she answered showing Tessie a tiny fairy smile. ]

Insert a comma after “she answered”

[ "But she was there mummy!" Tessie stated as she turned and began to follow. ]

Insert a comma after “But she was there”

[ "I'm sure she was dear." ]

Insert a comma after “I’m sure she was”

[ Tessie knew then, that her secret had to be her's alone. ]

The apostrophe is not needed in “hers”

[ Nobody could ever know, that she had her very own secret garden fairy. ]

The comma is not needed

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1268864

Review of Immortality Be Gone

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings DesertRose

Review of "Immortality Be Gone"

Overall Impression:

This is a good start! I really like the idea. You mention wanting to expand this into a novella... You've got an interesting and exciting plot, so I believe it could work.

You do a nice job with scenery and details--especially about the old woman/goddess, what she looks like, her transformation, where she lives, etc.

However, although you described the goddess well, I wish you would spend some more time on the three men. At first, it was very hard for me to keep track of who was who. I still don't really have a good feel for any of them. I do understand that the two brothers somehow have mindreading powers and that Mauric is supposed to protect the goddess, but how and why?

After reading this, I still have many questions... Do all humans have mindreading powers now? What planet does this take place on (if it's even a planet)? Who are the humans in war with? Why did the humans burn down the goddess' house? Answering these key questions might help make thing a bit clearer for the reader... But, perhaps you'll discuss them in future installments?

Overall, this is a great beginning. I'd like to see where you go with this! Keep writing.

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

Repetitive words:
Watch out for the words then and quickly. You use them both often in this story, perhaps a bit too much.

[ Two of them were tall and muscled, the other was not. ]

Replace the comma with a semi-colon

[ She wouldn’t be to mad would she? ]

“to” should be “too”

Insert a comma after “mad”

[ It was all a planted event in the smaller mans mind. ]

Insert an apostrophe in “mans”

man’s

[ “Did you get anything Javien?” ]

Insert a comma after “anything”

[ “Javien, we lie to him of course. ]

Insert a comma after “we lie to him”

[ "I assume the others are blind to us Garyt?" ]

Insert a comma after “blind to us”

[ "Good" ]

You’ve forgotten punctuation at the end of this sentence

[ “Can you read anything from her Garyt? ]

Insert a comma after “anything from her”

[ “Is that her Mauric?” Javien asked him. ]

Insert a comma after “Is that her”

[ “Leave me in peace” ]

You’ve forgotten punctuation at the end of this sentence

My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

Reviewed for:

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#852166 by Not Available.

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#1268536

Review of The Day His Hair Turned White

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Greetings peoplewatcher

Review of "The Day His Hair Turned White"

Overall Impression:

Welcome to Writing.Com! Congratulations on posting your first item and becoming a registered author.

This is an interesting story and a good start, but I think it could use a little work...

The one thing I did not understand was the ending. Why would the boy's hair turn white?

Of course, the reader also is curious as to what the dead man was doing there, who he was, what happened to him, etc...

You mention in the brief description of this piece that this is a true story. Did it happen to you? How do you know about it?

What you have so far is a good draft; with some editing, I think it could be great. Keep writing!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ it would be best if he completed all his chores on Thursday night and bath before going to bed. ]

"bath" should be "bathe"

[ he quietly dressed not wanting to not wake the rest of the household. ]

Insert a comma after "he quietly dressed"

[ He would throw the paper as he passed the opening of the business hoping that by some small miracle... ]

Insert a comma after "opening of the business"

[ what would he say to the cop, hey, I just seen a dead body standing upright in that doorway back there. ]

Surround the parts where he is speaking with "quotation marks"

[ Fortunately, the businesses were on Penn Street between second and fourth streets and he lived in the two-hundred block of Cherry Street which was a half block from Penn Street. ]

This sentence is just a bit confusing and I had to read it a couple times before I could understand what you were trying to say. Consider rewording a bit to make it clearer.

[ Having tossed the last paper he headed home as fast as his legs could carry him. ]

Insert a comma after "last paper"

[ He ran into the house and up the stairs trying to be quiet yet desparately wanting to get to a mirror ]

Insert a comma after "up the stairs"

"desparately" should be "desperately"

[ Slipping into his parents bedroom quietly so as to not wake his father, ]

Insert an apostrophe in "parents"

parents'

[ His mother slipped out of bed and came onto the stair landing and asked, what is wrong? You look like you have seen a ghost! ]

Surround the parts where the mother is speaking with "quotation marks"

[ Trying to compose himself, he said with a shaky voice, Mother, look at me and answer me truthfully, has my hair turned white? ]

Surround the parts where the boy is speaking with "quotation marks"

My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1266884

Review of The Book

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Greetings MC Cayman

Review of "The Book"

Overall Impression:

Okay, you stumped me... In the brief description of this piece it asks Who really are Steve and Jack? Well, Steve is obviously some sort of werewolf, I think, and you mention that Jack is a soldier, but I'm still not seeing the connection. What line of work are they involved in? Why does Steve suddenly want to get out? How and why did Steve's family get killed? You need to drop some more hints, make these things clearer for those of us that slow to catch on!

However, I do understand what the black book is for and think it very clever--I loved the ending! Wonderful.

Overall, this is a good start to a story but I think it needs a little work. Consider going back, editing, and explaining those key questions I asked above. Keep writing!

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" Good luck in the contest!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ “Don’t do this Stevie. ]

Insert a comma after "Don't do this"

[ Reaching into his jacket he pulled a little black book out of his pocket ]

Insert a comma after "his jacket"

[ and I ain’t never goin to give it up,” ]

Insert an apostrophe in "goin"

goin'

[ “Look Stevie, you know I can’t let you leave with that book!” ]

Insert a comma after "Look"

[ “I know you J, the human life still has to mean something to you.” ]

Insert a comma after "I know you"

[ The baretta in his pocket and the $50,000 in cash at home said “yes”. ]

What is a baretta? I tried looking it up but found nothing.

[ “This book is the only thing that can save us J. ]

Insert a comma after "can save us"

[ Steve was standing upright before him now, the book in his left hand and a glock in his right. ]

What is a glock? Again, I tried looking it up but found nothing.

[ He fired five shots at Jack, who still stood staring in disbelief like a man who had just seen a ghost for the first time in his life. ]

Where did Steve get a gun? Jack threw the one he had into the reservoir. And if it was his own, then why did he not use it earlier?

[ “Tomorrow I’ll be coming for you Danny. ]

Insert a comma after "coming for you"

My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1264563

Review of Art For Art's Sake

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings chimpy121

Review of "Art For Art's Sake"

Overall Impression:

First of all, welcome to Writing.Com! This is a great community, and I hope you plan on sticking around... Please feel free to eMail me if you need anything.

Congratulations on your third place win in "Invalid Item"

... This is a terrific piece of micro-ficion.

I read it a couple days ago, actually, and couldn't stop thinking about it (see what good writing does to me!

) so I decided to come back to review...

When reading micro-fiction, I usually look for three things: descriptive details, action, and a twist. Great job with all three!

I absolutely loved the last sentence--what a chilling ending. It's amazing how just 183 words can be so powerful... Excellent job!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Now that his works finally hung in perfect unison on the walls of the Murham Art Center he knew that this would be his crowning achievement, ]

Insert a comma after “Murham Art Center”

[ The bullet rocketed through his brain, ricochetted against the top of his skull, ]

“ricochetted" should be “ricocheted”

My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1263323

Review of Birthright

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Greetings faeriestone

Review of "Birthright"

Overall Impression:

It's hard to tell a story in 287 words, isn't it? But you did a good job with your first shot at microfiction, one of my favorite genres!

When reading microfiction, I usually keep my eye out for a couple things: descriptive details, action, and a twist. You did pretty well with all three!

The one thing I don't understand is the birthright thing (which is what the whole story is basically about)... At first, I thought that Annie was an african american but that can't be. Someone would surely notice the difference between the skin colors of the babies. So now I'm just a bit lost... It would really help the story if you explained just why Annie's grandson had that birthright! (Although I understand that could be tricky, considering you were given a maximum limit of 300 words).

You mentioned that you would like to continue and develop this into something longer; I think that's a good idea. Now you can explain fully about the birthright situation!

This is a nice start... Trying something new can be difficult but you did a great job!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ "Run to the tavern Jim and get help," ordered Annie. ]

Insert a comma after “Run to the tavern”

Insert a comma after “Jim”

[ Annie sneered then caught sight of the child, barely alive but desperately hanging on. ]

Insert a comma after “Annie sneered”

[ He uttered his last plaintive cry then was limp. ]

Insert a comma after “last plaintive cry”

[ Cradling the dead child she crept unseen, to her rundown cottage. ]

Insert a comma after “Cradling the dead child”

The comma after “crept unseen” is not needed

[ Deftly, Annie swapped the babies clothing. ]

Insert an apostrophe in “babies”

babies'

[ As she laid him beside the dead woman, she heard voices in the distance, signalling Jim's return from the tavern. ]

“signalling” should be “signaling”

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1263239

Review of Eve

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings MC Cayman

Review of "Eve"

Overall Impression:

First of all, welcome to Writing.Com! I hope you're having a good time here so far. Feel free to send me an eMail if you have any questions.

This is a good start, Matt. I can't wait until you finish it so I can see what happens--very exciting story!

There is one thing I don't understand though: why would the robber purposely wait for the police and then stab them? If I was going to rob a bank, I would get the money and then hightail it out of there! Perhaps there's more to the story that we don't know it... Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Excellent descriptive details. I enjoyed this beginning and think it will make a great story once it's finished... Keep writing!

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ Sitting up she yelled, " Who is it?" ]

Insert a comma after "Sitting up"

[ Her father had always told her to always look out first before opening the door for strangers, even if they claimed to be police. ]

Do you see the way you’ve used the same word [always] twice in this sentence? It’s a bit repetitive so consider deleting one of them.

[ Looking out the hole now she saw two large men in blue with badges reflecting the soft yellow of the porch light. ]

Insert a comma after "Looking out the hole"

["May I help you officers?" she asked nervously. ]

Insert a comma after "May I help you"

[ I was about to start panicking, I think," she continues, looking obviously flustered. ]

"she continues" should be "she continued" (because this story is written in past tense)

["No problem, ma’am," the officer goes on. ]

"goes on" should be "went on" (because this story is written in past tense)

[ Lying back down she picked up the novel and flipped back to the page that was dog-eared. ]

Insert a comma after "Lying back down"

["What now?" she asked herself as she picks herself back up off the couch and smirked, ]

"picks herself" should be "picked herself" (past tense, not present)

[ Reaching the door she looked back out the peephole but only saw one policeman this time. ]

Insert a comma after "Reaching the door"

["What’s the matter offi-" ]

Insert a comma after "What’s the matter"

[ I don’t think he hit any organs though" as he nodded his head at the wound on his left. ]

Your forgot a comma after "though" (before the closing quotation mark)

[ Shaking her head, trying to snap herself back into reality she cried, ]

Insert a comma after "back into reality"

[ Blood continued pooling next to the body, as Eve walked back in and froze. ]

The comma is not needed

[ Taking baby steps to get there she reached for the door and flipped the latch. ]

Insert a comma after "to get there"

[ Holding her breath she flung the door open, sliding into the warm summer night, where she ran off into the darkness. ]

Insert a comma after "Holding her breath"

My Rating:

4.0 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1262103

Review of Mary Anne: A princess's quest

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Greetings Tani

Review of "Mary Anne: A princess's quest"

Overall Impression:

I found this story through "Please Review"

where you had mentioned that this is the first story that you completed... but it does not look complete to me just yet, for it's only two chapters long!

One thing you might want to do is put a line of space between paragraphs... It makes it much easier on the reader's eyes

Perhaps you have written this out longhand and just haven't gotten a chance to type it up yet, but, whatever the case, I am looking forward to reading more! You have a great start so far with a very promising plot line (looks like it could be quite exciting!) so I encourage you to keep writing...

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ My brother is the heir not me. She sighed climbing down the tree, and knowing the lecture that she would get. ]

Insert a comma after “is the heir”

Insert a comma after “She sigh”

[ You've twigs in your hair and look you tore that beautiful lace! ]

Insert a comma after “in your hair and” and insert another comma after “look”

[ As she fitted the gem-encrested tiara on her head, the door to her room opened and in stepped Prince Allen Jean Louise. ]

“encrested" should be “encrusted”

[ " I know this will dissappoint you Mary, but your brother and I will be leaving tomorrow. ]

“dissappoint" should be “disappoint”

[ " I understand father," Mary replied. ]

Insert a comma after “I understand”

[ She shivered wondering if the strange coolness of the castle that day was a premonition of what was to come. ]

Insert a comma after “She shivered”

[ "Just a minute," she said pulling on a robe. ]

Insert a comma after “she said”

[ Briget entered the room and pulled out a chair for the king. ]

“Briget” should be “Bridget”

[ "Come, Sit down, child for this is no matter of state," he said to her. ]

Insert a comma after “child”

[ She walked down the hall trying to clear her mind and ended up down by her fiancee's room. ]

Insert a comma after “walked down the hall”

[ She pressed her ear to the door straning to hear what was being said. ]

Insert a comma after “ear to the door”

“straning” should be “straining”

[ Sure she had never really trusted Allen, but she didn't expect him to be a traitor. ]

Insert a comma after “Sure”

[ Much better, now, courtsey like this," Lady Komley showed her the proper courtsey for court. ]

“courtsey" should be “curtsy”

[ She wandered for a long time before she gave up and decided to wait for someone to recsue her. ]

“recsue" should be “rescue”

[ "Mary I can't believe you would say that! I am shocked and hurt. ]

Insert a comma after “Mary”

[ " Fine, just believe what ever you want, but we are getting married any ways," he said storming out of the room. ]

Insert a comma after “he said”

[ "Don't you "my sweet" me mister. I asked a question," ]

Insert a comma after “me”

[ She went to sleep praying for the morning to come. ]

Insert a comma after “She went to sleep”

My Rating:

3.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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#1261975

Review of Emily's Steer

Review by Pretty in Black

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings Cubby

Review of "Emily's Steer"

Overall Impression:

What a wonderful partially-true story!

I loved it...

Moses is a creative name for a cow; I'm curious as to how Emily came up with this name. It might be something interesting to include in your story, as well!

Overall, I thought this was very cute and liked the clever ending (although it's a bit sad

), and it conveys an important message... Keep writing

Specific Suggestions:

Here I have pointed out some errors I caught or things I think could use some work... You are the author and it is your decision entirely on whether you choose to take my suggestions or not. Please keep in mind that I am always more than happy to come back to re-read and re-rate if you make corrections.

[ She fed him milk from a bottle, gave him electrolites when he had the scours and almost died, ]

"electrolites" should be "electrolytes"

[ (I almost said, '.....would never die or be eaten.' But then I thought if this wish came true, HE would live and WE would eventually die... and hopefully not be eaten.) ]

Although I understood the problems with your other wishes (and thought them very clever!

), I didn't quite get this first one. What's wrong with you eventually dying? Unless that means he would be lonely or could you live without you? Perhaps you could work on making this part a bit clearer for people who are slow to catch on like me!

My Rating:

4.5 stars
Write on!

Have a great day,
Smiles and Hugs
Jamie

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