Separate it into paragraphs, and separate your dialogue. Once you do this, you will see some of the action words that could jump out a little and make it feel more immediate.
It would be nice to know a little more about the heist and how he tricked his partners, if you can get it into your word count.
This is very difficult to read because it is single-spaced. I would recommend double-spacing it just for ease in viewer reading.
It's also OK to give names, even fictitious names, to the characters instead of dashes,and to provide some description so that the reader can visualize a place, a setting, and watch the movement. I also want to "see" the characters.
There is a story here but everything seems to happen too fast...the protagonist is exploding with pain and anger and the story is going so fast that I am not understanding or feeling the pain/anger. I suggest you slow it down a little and give me (the reader) more insight into what is underneath. Certain history and certain relationship are alluded to but not explained.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sfbmoore
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 8:45pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
