This poem is engaging and warm. It conveys a sense of loss that parents feel and children don't. I can picture the scene of children playing with their treasures. However, the rhyming sounds off and the verses do not flow easily. I struggle with this too and often I read my poems aloud or tap my fingers in rhythm. I suggest choosing a line or verse you like the best and structure the poem around that verse.
I thoroughly enjoyed and agree with the points described in your essay. Americans are too occupied with trying to climb over rather then give a hand to their fellow man.
Paragraphs one and two are well formed and written. The quote is thought provoking, "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth". Whose quote is that? I'm not sure if you are quoting Muhammad Ali or if it is your original quote. I think the change of tone in the third paragraph changes detracts from your message. I think you could phrase the 'idle butts' sentence differently and still have a strong effect. Those who devoted their lives to human rights are true heroes and it is difficult to devote time to others while you see friends and acquaintances turn a blind eye. Maybe you can give some examples of service that can ease the 'unaware' person into being a giving person.
It's important to note that some of the great men you mentioned, had flaws: Jefferson enslaved people and was constantly in debt, Kennedy cheated on his wife and really didn't want to 'get en-roiled' in the Civil Rights movement. Why no women? Mother Theresa and Wangari Mathai (still living) are also good examples.
Overall a good read. Don't give up on humanity yet. There are plenty of caring people out there. This evening I didn't watch TV. I spent 3 hours tonight at a soup kitchen preparing and serving food for hungry families. My girl scout troop collected 200 pounds of food this December and we're preparing for a toiletries drive.
I really like this poem. It reads well and flows in a fun rambling fashion. You show how God is everything and in everything. Very imaginative and well thought out. I really like how all encompassing your vision of God is. I like poems that move me or keep me thinking after I've finished reading.
Wouldn't we all get along better if we believed God was in each of us? Good job.
I can feel the sense of loneliness and regret in this poem and, in my opinion, a little reworking would make it more moving. I stumbled over the line that stated the sands of time withered away. It's easier to imagine sand flowing, shifting, or slipping away. The rest of that stanza accurately depicts fading beauty and broken musical strings
You have a nice recurring theme of water. When i read your poem, I can see the torrents, sailing, and rain. I would use water analogies to describe how the "life" of this person washes away.
When you said, "The ache of all that past." Did you mean to say "passed" instead of past?
Nice poem. It gives me the impression that you crossed the rubicon from childhood. I don't get an impression of loss or sadness; just bittersweet acceptance. It sounds like you have moved on like you should. I think the poem needed more emotion, but it is still a moving poem.
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