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Review Requests: OFF
166 Public Reviews Given
166 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I love reviewing and like to offer as many suggestions for improvement as I am able. I think about the review that I would like to receive and what would help me to be a better writer and try to provide the same
I'm good at...
I am good at picking up typos, grammatical errors. I can also offer advice of characterisation and plot set up.
Favorite Genres
Anything written
Least Favorite Genres
Nothing
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and novels
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi there and thanks for sharing a this great read. It is exceedingly well written. You clearly have a lot of talent! I can't see anything that I can suggest to change spelling or grammar wise.
I look forward to reading more of your work, it's thoroughly enjoyable.
Thank you :)


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2
2
Review of Looking  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there and thanks for sharing this lovely piece. I relate to it completely and you conveyed the feelings and emotions very well. There are a couple of things, which I think with a bit more editing that could keep the smooth flow of the story.

Before, out of fear" is not a complete sentence
Breathe is spelt incorrectly
" ....pain of her lose.." Should be loss
"As I stepped into the blinding light..." Incomplete sentence
"When I reached the bottom and rounded the base" incomplete sentence

This is a lovely piece with a lot of potential, but I found the short abrupt sentences to be jarring, you could try rewording or joining some together is my suggestion . I have put a few examples of the sentences that feel incomplete...

Otherwise it's lovely. Well done and thanks again for sharing

:)


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3
3
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there. This piece was very well written and you clearly have a lot of talent. Your imagery was really good and I found only a few issues with spelling and grammar. With a little more editing I think you're on a real winner here.

I am not an expert so anything below is merely a suggestion, please bare that in mind :)

"... the dice where of..." Should be were
"...vanishing among the eternal night..." This sentence doesn't feel right to me, I think the word "within" might be more suitable here
"The rattle of dice sent quiet echoes across the platform; hushed voices from pockets of darkness as they observed the players." The second part isn't a complete sentence, I think it would read better if you said something like: The rattle of dice sent quiet echoes across the platform and blended with the hushed voices that emanated from the watchers, hidden away in pockets of darkness.

Otherwise it was really great work. Well done :)


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4
4
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi there, I read through your story and only realised when I got to the end that you are editing it. By the time you receive my feedback you may well have changed it, so I won't provide detailed feedback at this stage.
There are quite a few small errors and misspelt words, though I guess you will pick them up in the edit. Further, I suspect you will change the large amount of back story also...
Please let me know when you are finished and I will be more than happy to review my rating.
Thanks
Sharon


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5
5
Review of Bitter-sour  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there. I found your piece on the review review request page and thought that I would have a look. I really liked some of your descriptions, particularly "yet cling to it, like a child at their mother's leg..." It was well written and you clearly have some talent. I did notice that Peeling is misspelt

Other than that, it was a nice piece. Well done, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks. :)


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6
6
Review of Snapshots  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there, I came across this story on the please review page and I decided to have look. It's beautifully written and you clearly have truckloads of talent, some of the imagery was really impressive. Spelling and grammar was also great and technically, I could find no fault whatsoever.
My only criticism is that I had a really hard time working out what was actually going on. The change between views in the beginning, the middle and the end made me wonder if it's the same person, two people or more. Is the person in a prison of some type or is she a prisoner of her own making, I don't really understand who the man is or what occurs when he visits her. It's just a bit vague.
Having said that your writing is really good, if you decide to make any changes, I would be only too happy to review again and change my rating as i can see with a few minor changes, this one could be a real winner. Fantastic work! :)


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7
7
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there, I found your short story on the please request page, so I thought that I would have a look. Spelling and grammar are spot on, it was a really well written story. The only suggestion that I can make is when Peter is running home, he is clearly upset, but I would have liked for you to say more about his feelings, was he upset? Disappointed? Humiliated?
Sometimes, just saying that the tears ran down the his cheeks aren't quite enough to male the reader feel what the characters are feeling. You want the reader to understand, commiserate and relate to the character, if that makes sense? It seemed that everything was building to that moment, you could have really mined the emotions there...
I am not an expert, and you don't need to take my advice, it's just a thought. You are clearly very talented and have a very clever way with words, thank you so much for sharing. Good job :)


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8
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Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there and thanks for sharing, it was a nicely written story that kept me interested until the end. Well done :)
I have a couple of thoughts that you might want to take on to improve, bearing in mind I am not expert...
Paragraph 5 gets a little confusing, normally if it's an inward thought you would put it in italics to differentiate who is speaking. It also changes to svetlanas view abruptly as well. If that is not what you intended, maybe remove it as Evan couldn't know why his dates eyes are widening.
I would remove the "these" in the table was surrounded by these miscreants

Otherwise, it was well written and very enjoyable. Thank you :)


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9
9
Review of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a lovely well written poem. I really feel the emotions that you are trying to convey, it's just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your work, it was very well written and I truly look forward to reading more. Well done and thank you so much :)


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10
10
for entry "Chapter One: Casey" Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello and thank you for sharing!

I can tell that you are very talented and have put a great deal of thought into this story. With a bit of fine tuning, I think that you are on a real winner. However, in the current state I found it very difficult to read and to follow. There are quite a few errors - I have put a few examples below, but the whole story needs a good edit to make it a little more reader friendly.

In the first sentence you have the word "room" twice.
"...steady breathe but failed" should be the BREATH
“On the southern slopes there is a brothel,” The De’markus son began. - THE should not be capitalised
"..give her this,” The silhouette gestured.." Same again here. Lower case letters come after commas
"...and wondered where the lies where- his hand still tight around Victoria’s forearm. This sentence doesn't seem to make sense. I think maybe you mean and wondered where the lies WERE, but it still doesn't make sense to me. Maybe try rewording this one?

I had a really difficult time working out who Casey was, is Casey a male of female and is he/she the bastard of Haven?

I would be really happy to provide another review if you decide to edit, please let me know. I think this story is a real winner and I would be only too happen to review my rating and give it the higher rating that it deserves.

Thanks again for sharing

Sharon :)


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11
11
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello and thanks for sharing

This was a nice little story with a lot of thought out into it. I think you are on a real winner of an idea. I picked up a few errors that interrupted the smooth flow:

The line spacing is a bit off, maybe it hasn't transferred over very well, but sentences are broken up into lines - might be worth revisiting..

You such a liar - should be YOU'RE
...as a the bus pulled... - extra word there, needs removing
".. go into the bank and rob it." Terry said - should be a comma after it
"Nobody followed me." Lewis said... You be a comma after me.
After dialogue, you should put a comma if the next part is someone saying. It should only be a full stop if its followed by an action.
Planed their motor bike show - should be planned

I would also like to know more about how the characters were FEELING. You have a really good little idea, but it would help gain the reader's interest if you could give us some insight into their motivations.. Was he showing off to keep his girl interested? How does she feel about being with some one that can't die... That sort of thing.

Great job and I hope to see more of your work.. You are very talented

Thanks

Sharon :)


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12
12
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello

Thank you for sharing this piece of work. I can tell that a lot of work has gone into it. I can imagine many people would be interested to read as it is fascinating to learn of other countries and cultures.

My suggestion would be to ask someone to read aloud your essay to you. This will help you to pick out the grammatical errors.

I tried really hard to read your essay, but I'm sorry but I really couldn't understand what your point was. I couldn't understand who or what kingdom was. Is it a place, a person or an organisation? Sometimes you capitalised it, making me think it was a person. I really didn't understand. Sorry

None of the terms, laws or ways of life are familiar to me, it would be really helpful if you made an explanation of what you are talking about.

You clearly have a very good talent with words and thoughts, but I'm sorry to say that I really couldn't understand any part of it. The strange terms, coupled with the many spelling and grammatical errors made this piece very difficult to read.

If you decide to edit this piece, please let me know as I would be only too happy to review my rating and give this piece the higher rating that it will deserve with a bit of work. It's a great effort, please keep on writing as I can tell you are very talented!!

Thanks

Sharon :)


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13
13
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi again

I thought I would come back and read the second chapter.

I will be really honest, while the subject matter is very interesting, I found this piece a bit difficult to read.

The whole chapter is three paragraphs, there are numerous changes of dialogue and it makes for confusion by the reader as I had to continually back track to check who was speaking or doing things.

I found a couple of minor typos as well that could be corrected:
You don't need a comma after blocking my ears
Alexis holding me open hand
Pacing back in forth
I'll bases for all of you
Or worse - you need to close the dialogue and put a comma
What is accidents happen and I don't think he is going to last- need punctuation

Just a few in the first paragraph. There are more in the others, but I have run out of time.

Please let me know if you decide to edit as I would be only too happy to review my rating. The story is a good one, and I do believe that you are on a winner. I hope that I haven't been too discouraging!

Thanks

Sharon :)


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14
14
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there!

Since you so generously reviewed my work, I thought I would return the favour :)

This is a very interesting storyline and I was very intrigued and wanted to keep reading. You clearly have a lot if talent. The spelling and grammar were spot on.

There were a couple of things that I was able to pick up:

Fourteen in the first paragraph doesn't need to be hyphenated
"..nobody is mean enough to hurt you" should have a comma after you
..bunch of rude kids." Should be a comma not a full stop
... try to bully you." She blurted. Should be a comma, not a full stop
Should be a full stop after the last word.
You should also put each new dialogue into a new paragraph. It helps the reader distinguish between different people talking.

Otherwise, it was great work and I look forward to reading the second part. Thanks for sharing

Sharon :)


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15
15
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again.

This piece is also well written. There was only one small thing that i was able to pick up - Numbers under ten should be spelt. Numbers over ten written numerically.

Other than that it was well written, I am looking forward to reading more.

Thanks so much

Sharon :)


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16
16
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there, thanks for sharing this nicely written piece of work.

I really enjoyed it. I was able to pick up a couple of minor areas for improvement:

You use the word "till" which means to prepare of plow crops. The word that you mean is "until" or if you really want to abbreviate it, you should use 'til

There were a couple of sentences that seemed to run on:

"I buried myself deep in my work, 16 hour days the norm, always busy, the consummate over-achiever, anything to avoid thinking of you, grief digging its claws painfully into my heart when in a moment of weakness my thoughts drifted to you." I am not an expert, by any means but I think this sentence could be better presented if it were broken up a little.

I buried myself deeply in my work and 16 hour days became the norm. I needed to keep myself busy, I became the consumate over acheiver. I would do anything to avoid thinking of you, anything to avoid the moments of weakness when grief was able to dig its claws painfully into my heart.

Thats just my suggestion, again, I reiterate I am not an expert. Its just my own thoughts.

Otherwise, it was a really enjoyable read. You clearly are very talented and I look forward to reading more of your work

Thanks again for sharing

Sharon :)


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17
17
Review of Today  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there

I don't normally review poetry as I don't feel as though I know enough.

All I know is if it "feels" right and this poem felt really good. It's well written and I could find no fault.

Well done.

Thank you for sharing

Sharon :)


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18
18
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello again

I enjoyed your last story and thought I would have a look around in your portfolio. You didn't disappoint me.

This one was also very well written. Faultless. Well done!

Thanks so much for the enjoyable read!

Thanks

Sharon :)


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19
19
Review of The beach  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there

This was a really good short story, it kept me spellbound the whole way through. I could relate to it completely. Great job!

A couple if technical things:

Numbers below ten should be spelt
Paragraphs should be double spaced.
You need to check your punctuation, I can't remember exactly where, but there was a missed full stop and a couple of places where you missed a comma

Otherwise, a really well written story. It flowed beautifully and the dialogue was appropriate.

Great work!

Thanks for sharing

Sharon :)


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20
20
Review of The Other World  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello

Thank you for sharing this nice little piece. I noted a couple of errors below:

"...anyone form the village..." Should be from
"... Yes I can hear you thoughts.." Should be your
Numbers below ten are generally spelt

I would preferred that you spaced out your paragraphs. It's quite difficult to read when it's all bunched up.

It wasn't until the end that I worked out that hari was a child, it would help the readers more if you identified that a little earlier.

Having said all of that, I liked the story, you are very clever and have obviously put a lot of thought into it. I enjoyed reading it, wondering right until the end.

I encourage you to keep writing, you clearly have a lot of skill. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Thanks

Sharon :)


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21
21
Review of Don't Tell  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there.

This is a nice, well thought out story. It kept me interested until the end.

I did notice quite a lot of errors and have put a few if them below:

"...being the last one done work.." This sounds quite awkward, I would rewrite this sentence
"... I here you're messing.." Should be I hear
"..when I met Anthony glare.." Should be Anthony's
"...fixate on anyone thing.." Should be any one

You were able to convey the emotions quite well and the dialogue was appropriate.

Well done

Thanks

Sharon. :)


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22
22
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello

Thank you for sharing this well thought out piece. Nicely done.

A couple of minor things that I picked up:

"...high standard for there first.." Should be their
"Eldest child are often.." This should be either eldest children or the eldest child is

I like the quote at the beginning, but I really would like to see some evidence in this piece, maybe example of famous people and their behaviours to prove your point or even quotes of studies undertaken by others.

Otherwise, this was nicely written. The sentences flowed logically with good spelling.

Nice work!

Thanks

Sharon :)


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23
23
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello

An interesting piece, although I'm from Australia so couldn't relate completely.

I like your wording. It's tough and uncompromising. You express yourself very well.

One small error that I noted:

"We keep to ourselves do to fear" - I think this should be due?

Otherwise, well done. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks for sharing

Sharon :)


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24
24
Review of The Unselfish Act  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello

I really really liked this piece. I felt so much sadness for mess hillcrest!

I found a couple of places where commas should probably be. Although in reality it doesn't detract much from this well written story. Try reading it aloud and I think you will pick up where the commas need to be.

Numbers under ten generally should be spelt out.

I really think this one is a winner.

Well done!!

Thanks

Sharon :)


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25
25
Review of Untitled.  Open in new Window.
Review by SharonConnell Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and thanks for sharing

I'm not great at reviewing poetry, I just know what "feels" good and what doesn't.

As sad as this poem was it felt good, I liked the rhyming. Nicely written

Thank you

Sharon :)


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