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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sharv34
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17 Public Reviews Given
28 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Exiled  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadanobody Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a fantastic story - well told and touching. How you've shown the joy, the sorrow and hope of a seemingly inanimate object is excellent. I'm honored to have read such a wonderful piece of work and I thank you for sharing it.

A few VERY minor suggestions:

"...who eyes were pooled with pride..." who should be who's

"I twinkled in the twilight light of their humble" "twilight light" feels clunky to me - maybe drop twilight or try something like "dim evening light"

They pondered of how they might look "pondered of how" - maybe drop "of"

Excellent story, with nice pacing and a wonderful rise and fall. Kudos!
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Review of Saying Goodbye  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadanobody Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Disturbing and sad - remorseful. Nicely written and you give an excellent contrast between the mother's love and sadness, and you show us, rather than tell us what is happening to the mother and what she is doing to relieve her pain and suffering.

There are a couple of points I would make that could tighten this up just a bit.

"She smiles up at me, recognising me" --

Try to avoid repetion of words. Maybe "She smiles up at me; an infant's wide-eyed recognition lighting up her face."?

I mention the repetition of words because it stood out for me. You used the word "chest" four times in seven sentences, in the first two paragraphs. It probably sounds a bit nit-picky, and perhaps it is, but it is important to avoid this kind of repetition, unless it has something specific meaning within the story.

Other than that, you have an excellent story here. It was a pleasure to read, though it saddened me. Thank you.
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