You have a wonderful story started. I enjoyed the characters you've introduced and I look forward to reading subsequent chapters when I have more time. As I told you earlier, I'm a nitpicker and I'll list some things I found which you might want to look at. What you do with this is up to you, no pressure.
* Probably a typo - in the first paragraph "it's" should be "its" and "goings on" should be hypenated.
*In para 2 I would put a comma after behind in "streamed out behind, like..."
* In para 3 you describe "silver buttons of a captain"; later you say "the silver clasp that marked his rank". Minor inconsistency.
* The sisters' hair is described as both "honey-gold" and "sandy".
* The phrase "her eyes possessed a definite mournful quality" feels wrong to me. How about something like this, "her eyes held a deep sadness."
* Your dialogue is great, remember to start a new line when someone speaks for the first time, like this:
The hefty man shot him a friendly smile that revealed yellowing teeth.
“Better get yourself in line, me lad, before Shadaran comes this way.”
* "Your name's Tarem, then?" Your narrative says this is not a question, so you may want to remove the question mark.
* Instead of "Tarem turned down" try "Tarem ignored"
* "little young things" sounds funny to me; maybe something like "little ones" or "young 'uns"
* "stealthfully" unless you're coining a new word for your new world, this should be "stealthily"
* "Emra closed her eyes, slowly letting the insanity merge together until they were mere blurs..." This sentence seems awkward. Insanity is singular but you say "they" merged to mere blurs.
* In one place you italicize Lorelle's name. I'm not entirely clear on why.
* "Emra knew this, and so she did not mind that although they lived in the same house together, yet words were rarely exchanged between them."
* "There were things Emra wished she knew more of." This might sound better if you rearrange it so it doesn't end with "of".
* "extensively named" this should be hyphenated, and I don't really understand it
* "An urgent knocking sounded at the door, ceasingbringing their already waning conversation to an end.
* "his eyes possessed[/x} held an excited, hurried look."
* "towards" should be "toward"
I hope I did the codes right and this isn't confusing. If you have any questions at all about my comments please don't hesitate to email me.
This has caught my attention nicely; I look forward the next chapters as soon as I can fit them in. Great job, keep it up!
An excellent snapshot! I can see the bleachers and feel the wind (brr) and I recall watching parents hide in their cars at little league games when the weather was just too brisk. You painted quite a vivid picture with so few words. I like your description of the layers worn, though the sentence itself seemed long and a little awkward to me. Also, the "But it doesn't" sentence seems incomplete.
In this phrase, "the breeze that steadily gets stronger" I might change the wording slightly: the breeze that grows steadily stronger Your choice, just a suggestion.
I especially liked the emotion you included; it's clear you enjoy supporting your son. Good job, keep writing good stuff!
What a clever piece of writing! Your description of the book was excellent, I could almost see it. I didn't see any errors other than a stray comma and an extra space. All in all, a great read! Keep writing good stuff!
Lon, I enjoyed this a LOT! What a great idea for a story and you've told it quite well. I thought your descriptions and dialogue were very real. This caught my attention and held it - even though I'm supposed to be getting ready for work! I especially liked it that they can feel the magic! Here are some things I think you may want to look closer at:
* tongue lashing - should have a hyphen
* "she pulled a rag from her old thinning sweater pocket and began to clean" - this reads awkwardly to me; I might rework it something like this: "she pulled a rag from the pocket of her old, thinning sweater and began to clean."
* This sentence, "Mouse said quickly looking down at the floor still." doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I think you can drop either "quickly" or "still" and improve it.
* I noticed at least one omitted apostrophe (girls should be girl's); there may be more but as I said, I'm supposed to be getting ready for work
* I also noted some places where an exclamation point is used when I think it should be a question mark.
* Lastly, "anyways" and "towards" are incorrect. There is no "s" on either word.
This is a very cool story. I look forward to reading more of your stuff if I ever have the time
I don't recognize the form (or format?) you've used here. This is powerful and moving whatever the form and very dark. There were some technical things I usually nitpick, such as "it's" is "it is", "its" is the possessive. Also, I didn't get this sentence: "Be there a lapidary on stone can say?" I even looked up "lapidary" to confirm I knew its meaning but it still didn't quite make sense to me.
I hope and pray we don't end the way you depict; what a waste that would be. You describe well the feelings I expect many of us feel. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Too funny; though I admit I had to read it twice before it sank in it was supposed to be this way. I'm wracking my brain wondering how you liaise with flora and fauna! This is very creative and humorous. Following are some nitpicky things I include so you can do what you want with them.
* The first "of" in your first sentence might sound better as "about" or "regarding".
* ...last six screwtail rattlesnakes,...
* The parenthetical reference to Yuba Community College may be unnecessary; it doesn't add to your story in any way.
* The first sentence of your third paragraph is awkward to me and long. Consider breaking it up, maybe something like this: "Needless to say, with my credentials my first application to the Department of Conservation and Wildlife Communication was accepted and I was snapped up in 1964. My first assignment was daunting."
* "Liaison" in this context should be "liaise".
* Same sentence, I'd add a comma between "greenhorn" and "city".
* Sixth paragraph: "natures" should have an apostrophe.
* Next paragraph: "in theface of..."
* Same paragraph "Mother Nature's" is capitalized.
* In the next paragraph your statement "I know you arer familiar with..." is puzzling. I'm not sure how the author would know what the reader is familiar with. I'm not sure it matters one way or the other, but it stopped the flow for me. Possible alternative: "Their unique ability...is well known..."
* Under "SUPPORTING HISTORICAL NOTES" The "used to raise and keep" might sound better as "formerly raised and kept..."
* No apostrophe in Linguinis
* "needle-fearful should be hyphenated.
Lastly, I was under the impression a doctor's title wasn't spelled out after the first time it is mentioned.
This was very clever and enjoyable. I recommend it highly!
Wow, this gave me chills. Wonderfully creative way to look at the next life. I enjoyed the description of her life, finding her love, raising their child, having friends who loved her.
Below are some nitpicks of mine; do what you want with them:
* choose vs. chose - you use the present tense of this word in places where I think you meant to say chose, past tense.
* the paragraphs are long, you may want to consider breaking them up as some readers are intimidated seeing all that text in big blocks.
* to vs. too "choose too quickly"
* "...this finite life, giving"
* "...gatekeepers have always wanted, someone to learn"
* "I opened my ideas" - eyes?
I noticed also there was punctuation missing in places, such as “I’ve chosen” there should be a period after chosen.
I found this flashback to your childhood fascinating. I have very few memories of my own childhood so it's interesting when I find someone who does remember. I noted some typos which I'm sure you'll catch if you re-read (such as, McDonald's needs an apostrophe throughout). I liked your use of humor as you replayed the events. Good job!
This is a great story, full of humor. Poor Ginger, so misunderstood until someone identifies with her. Following are some technical nit-picks:
Paragraph 3: there seem to be some spacing issues here; also I'd put a comma after "past year".
P5, I think the 4th sentence could be reworded to flow more smoothly. Maybe something like this: "Richard was perfect for her - kind, understanding, patient - and most importantly, he had both feet firmly planted on the ground."
P5, I had a hard time with the last sentence in this paragraph. It just didn't sound right to me for some reason (my opinion of course).
In the 10th paragraph: "chit chats" should be "chit chat" I think.
P13, I think midway is one word, not two.
P17, I moved closer
P19, add "the" in front of camera
P26, insert a comma after "stood" and drop "with"
P27, myself is one word
Some of the dialog seemed stilted to me. For instance, "You are" vs. "You're" or "I work as a clown for the circus" vs. "I'm a clown with the circus".
I loved this and especially the surprise ending. Very cool. Write on!
Excellent points throughout. I agree with another reviewer that the average citizen is just too lazy. You should know however, that there are plenty of us out here who believe the way you do. I no longer read biased newspapers or watch mainstream news programs. I get my news online from sources I know to be fair and balanced. And I spread the word.
I didn't see anything needing correction in your writing; nor would I change a word. Well written, keep it up!
I almost never give 5 points but this really touched my heart. I didn't see anything I would change (except maybe I'd have had Vince throttle both of those girls). It's scary how much today's young people think they know. This is an excellent story. Thanks for sharing it.
Great story! It gave me chills until you revealed the "secret". I saw only a few things I'd like to comment on.
I loved this line: "she is making the meat sizzle with envy" - how cool is that?
"worst" should be "worse"
Also, I didn't understand the connection here: Moreover, nobody was chubby. Men looked nerdy; women were thin.{c}
How does men looking nerdy equate to not being chubby?
I thought the ending was a little strange when Adele quotes the book or whatever it is and introduces two new names out of the blue. I wouldn't take it out but maybe rephrase it so it's clearer she's thinking?
What a wonderful, imaginative story you've written! Keep it up!
This is powerful and moving and very scary! I hope this is fiction but I fear it is not. God help us if we ever forget the evil man is capable of. Well written. I didn't see anything I would change.
Makes me smile too; wonderfully creative. I saw only a few of things I wanted to point out:
...the blade flashed as was raised{c} should have "it" inserted after as.
“You take care of you’re her.”{c} You may want to clarify this line.
...in chase of his estranged lover.{c} I'd change "chase" to "pursuit".
Finally, in the first paragraph you say the man was "attached to" the knife. It sounds odd to me personally, I might say the man was holding it but that's me. Also in the same paragraph, Eric is obviously angry so I'm curious why he would take a "cautious" step?
I loved the visuals I got from this. Great work! Keep writing!
I don't recall ever climbing a tree (what can I say, I was afraid through most of my childhood). This makes me want to, makes me wish I had. I have my own "special" place for solitude but the tree sounds very inviting. Keep up the great work!
Okay, now you've done it, you've gone and made me cry. What a wonderful tribute you've written your mom. I had never thought about moms having a "smell" until my daughter came up and hugged me after an absence and said, "Mmm, yup, you smell like Mom." This is very moving and also thought-provoking. Keep writing good stuff like this!
How very moving, and so true too. I found nothing to elaborate on or correct, you write very well. Thank you for sharing and keep getting those thoughts down, no matter how many pages it takes!
Very interesting. Your description of being underwater was quite authentic. I didn't understand about "this person" but it didn't seem to matter, it still kept my attention to the end. I have one other comment. In the sentence below, I think it would be more clear if you were to move the "before coming here" to the beginning. Just a thought. I'll look forward to seeing more of your port. Keep up the great writing!
I had imagined that I would hear the sounds of bubbles or percolating water before coming here.{c}
The subject matter is chilling and you've described Albert's feelings well. The imagery was well done and I was pleased that Albert made the right choice in the end. I did note some typographical errors, i.e. "policce" which kept me from rating this higher but I still enjoyed the story.
Very special! I especially liked your imagery - the description of the frog was excellent. The line "captured in the bowels of his camera" was wonderful! And to make the best discovery of all in each other was heartwarming. Great stuff!
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