"Head Over Heels" is a skillfully written essay. You--without a doubt--have a talent for writing. The theme is excellent, and so many people can relate to the trauma that major car crashes impose.
Your word usage is also captivating. I'll point out my favorite sentences as I close this message.
Okay, so what's not so good? The essay begins with parenthetical expressions. They should be indented; and when speakers change, a new paragraph should be used.
There were some cases where commas could have been used between main clauses: "A fierce lash across my face stunned me (comma) and I felt the strange sense of weightlessness as my heart lodged in my throat." There were a few others that you could probably find on your own with some proofreading.
Your creative writing skills are good; therefore, you may be forcing some descriptions that don't belong together. For example: "I had as much blood in my head as I did on my fingers (comma) before I finally realized my entire body weight was hanging on the strap, preventing it from releasing me." I don't clearly understand the connection between the 'blood' and 'hanging on the strap.' Could you replace 'before' with a period and make two sentences?
One more item on improvement--then the good stuff! Consider using a semicolon on lengthy sentences: "I was still moving at approximately seventy-five miles an hour across a busy interstate (semicolon) and (comma) even without opening my eyes (comma) I knew with a sickening dread that I was upside down."
My favorite lines: "Closing my eyes, I force myself to breathe through my nose as the car shoots down the narrow back road and my mind blindly flies down its own black streets of terror. Suddenly, I feel the car jerk to the left and can almost hear the squeal of tires as I’m thrown into the memory I’ve yet to come to terms with." Superb combination of word usage and metaphors. Great stuff!
As I stated, you have a talent for writing. The errors are not--by any measure--crude. They appear to be items that can be improved after some editing and proofreading.
I'm trying to recall who the famous writer was that said, "Easy reading is damn hard writing!" It may have been Hemingway. Who ever it was--I agree. The point is (of course) to be able to do the fine tuning so that you polish and enhance your raw talent. Keep up the fantastic writing as it appears to be at least a part of your future.
HTB
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simon_jimenez
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:18pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
