Wow, that is so hard. But I think it is good that you decided to write about what you were feeling. That's the beautiful part of poetry. And the reason that some things are cliche is because they are so true. And the fact that you put it in writing means that it might encourage someone else.
As for the more technical part of the poem, I think that you have a good base. I like your general rhythm. But what I would suggest doing is sitting down and reading it out loud and listening to see if there are any points where the rhythm breaks.
What I really like though, is your use of indirect rhyme. And then when you do use end rhyme, it isn't too strong. Very nice! That is so hard to do.
Thanks so much for sharing and for joining Writing.Com. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. God bless you!
Wow, what a beautiful story! You describe and create the emotions so well. I enjoyed this and especially the ending. Although what amuses me is that almost all of us who wrote about this prompt picked a similar topic, lol.
The only suggestion that I have is that you alternate between calling the dog an it or a he. So I would suggest that you keep that consistent. Other than that, great job! Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oh, this is very creepy. The only thing that I can suggest is this:
Beside my bed, to the left, in front of the oak nightstand, is where Kaitlyn should have been standing, but she wasn’t there. is should be was since this is written in the past tense.
Very creepy story. Due to the length of it, I don't have any suggestions. I think that it is poignant enough that you could and should submit it to a horror magazine, though I admit that I am curious as to the real reason that she snapped.
Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
A very creepy story. It's amazing how you tell so little in some sections yet convey the creepy emotions. The only thing that I could suggest is if you gave a little more explanation why this was so important to her, even if she just had an idea. Is it because so many other people have belittled her writing? All this seems to come out of the blue or perhaps red without much reason. If you could add some reasons for this reaction she has, even if it's just perhaps that she is insane in one sentence, it would make it a little more coherent to me.
However, I did think that this was very well done and while I wouldn't say that I enjoyed it because I was too caught up in the drama, I did think it was a gripping story. So I guess that that's the effect you want. And do note the color I chose to write this review. It does say something about your story. Though red is my favorite color, lol.
Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oh, how sad but beautifully written. This is just an amazing poem and you capture such a great amount of history. Thank you for sharing this, though it brought tears to my eyes. The only thing that I can suggest is that you perhaps put the Closure at the top in the center. Thank you again. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is a very gripping story. You held my attention all the way through and I was just shocked at the turn of events. The only thing is that toward the end you lose a little bit of the drama. I'm not sure what it is, except that when you use terms like the old man or his daughter, it tends to draw me out of the point of view. It should be in Karen's point of view from what you started, I believe.
However, if you are doing this in an omniscent point of view I would still suggest using names more than the old man or the daughter or things like that.
You really gripped me with the last line. It's such a great clincher to the whole piece and the drama is very engaging. You did an excellent job with this piece. Is this a part of a longer novel? I think you could easily pursue it. You did a great job with this, although Eric's antics really disgusted me. But that's the effect you want to have.
Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is interesting for me, as I enjoy reading other viewpoints. You write this well and I appreciate the fact that you show where you got your information. That is very professional and gives this more authenticity.
I would, however, suggest changing your title with the coloring. It's a bit hard to read. But that's entirely up to you.
Through marriage Islam has given a woman dignity. you need a comma between marriage and Islam.
The one part that this piece doesn't include that I would be very interested in knowing is, how do the women feel about having to share a husband? Since this isn't the norm, it may be hard for you to get some actual statements on this, but it would be interesting to hear.
I still don't agree that it's right, and it seems unfair to women still, even though I have read this, just because as a woman I do not feel that my dignity must come from being married, and when I am married, I want my husband all to myself, lol. I do understand what you mean though about the mistresses statement. I don't believe that that's right either. The world is so sad. However, my disagreement in no way detracts from your rating, just so you know.
Your writing is good in this and the fact that you use color makes your points stand out. Your Writing ML helps give this piece a good pop. Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oh, how sweet! I've read a lot of poems like this, but they are all so sweet and unique with their own different styles.
Your rhythm is good and I love the images you create. The flowering dresses was an especially good line. However, I would suggest that you capatalize Winnie-the-Pooh, since it is a proper noun. And also you can remove the comma at the last stanza after the word for, so it would read Bust start getting ready for her turning terrible two.
Other than that, great job! Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
You have some good thoughts here. I think that this really has a lot of potential. However, this was a very difficult piece to read because it went on and on and on and on and seemed to continue to state the whole thing over and over again. Please understand though that it is sometimes hard for me to read at the computer, which may be part of the problem.
If you could cut this down a little bit and make every word count so that it is more focused, this would be an excellent piece. But right now, it's a little bit much to digest. Like I said, I think you have some good points here.
I believe that fasting is good, though I am unable to at this point in time due to physical problems. And it does make a difference. It is, however, very good for the body to do at certain times. I have done meal fasts and such like that, but so far haven't been able to do the water one.
That's my main suggestion for this piece, to condense it if you can and make everything poignant to your central goal. Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Beautiful poem, Shell! This is just excellent. I love the pictures you pain and the words that you use. It creates such lovely images. Thank you so much for sharing your talent. I wish that I had something to be able to tell you, other than good job. But that's all I have. I really enjoyed it. God bless you and keep on writing!
Well, this is definitely an original piece. I haven't read anything like it, although I don't often read monologues. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read this.
I enjoy the way you mix the humor in with the actions. You did a good job with that and creating this character. I don't know Benjamin Grayson so this was totally new to me and I wouldn't be able to tell you whether you got his personality right. But I like the way you show the different actions with the paragraphs, that makes it come alive.
Grammatically, however, I don't understand why you refused to use any capatalization? I would have been able to give this five stars if you had done that and fixed this one other little grammatical thing
until the andy had an idea. I don't think you want the in there.
Anyway, this really was great. If you change the capatalization problem and fix that, let me know. I'll be glad to rerate and review you. Thanks so much for sharing your talent. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is a cute little story and I like the concept. It reminds me of a little boy I know who talks to his hands, although he isn't able to talk so that it's more of strange sounds.
You've got some good descriptions here and I enjoy the beginning of the story. However, I think that this could use some more focus. For instance, perhaps start the story and keep it in Anthony's perspective. For instance, maybe he wakes up and Righty is already in a bad mood while Lefty is commenting on what a beautiful morning it is.
Also, the other thing that strikes me is that you lose Righty and Lefty in this. It seemed strange that you would carry them through up until the end when Righty gets sliced and Righty doesn't have anything to say. While I know that that would not be likely to happen, it does take away from your story and leaves me wondering what the point is. This could be a very humorous story if Lefty and Righty continued talking. For instance, wouldn't Righty be flipping out about all the germs? Maybe he would want a certain color band aid. Maybe Lefty would be looking forward to holding the ice cream come while Righty is complaining about getting melted ice cream on him.
If you can carry their characters through, even though they're just pretend this would be a fantastic story! Just my personal opinion on it anyway. Thanks so much for submitting this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Well, you have an interesting basis for your story, but it's going to need a lot of work.
You switch tenses a lot throughout this piece, first present then past. You use descriptions like this is a movie, which I didn't get the impression that this was. This causes the story to be difficult to read.
As far as characters go, I didn't really care about them. They weren't real to me, mainly because the alien characters were unusual and didn't seem to be real. The human characters were more interesting, but this would work a lot better if your aliens had some depth to them. And if you could explain a little more of what's going on
You've got a great situation to describe in more detail what these creatures look like when the humans see them. I got some details and you're a very creative person. You also have some good ideas for this story. But the basic writing needs to be worked on to make this story pop.
I found a lot of the story confusing and difficult to understand due to the fact that I was trying to grasp a new culture and the tense changes and everything else I mentioned. You'll also want to watch your grammar.
The way that this story strikes me is that you were in a hurry to get it all jotted down. It also says that this is a work in progress. I'm not sure whether this is something that you want to have published or not. Reading your bio, I just guess that this is what you'd like to do.
If that's the case, you'll also want to check about using the actual rap lyrics. Unless you made them up. I'm not familiar with Gangsta, so I wouldn't know.
Your idea as I said before is definitely one worth pursuing. It's an interesting concept and you've got some good information. It's just rather confusing with all the names and the things like that that are so foreign.
I hope that this does not discourage you. I know you can do it, and as I said, this is a good concept and one I would be interested in reading more of. Thank you so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Hey there! Thanks so much for submitting this story. You've got a really great start here, but I think that there's ome things you can do to make this even more powerful.
Right now, this story isn't really above average. The writing is all right, the story idea is fine. But I know you have the writing skills to make this excellent! So that's the reason for the rating.
This piece lacks emotional input. It's so cut and dried, its like Lidia is a robotic character. She doesn't seem very 3 D or anything like that. There isn't anything to make her stand out in my mind and become a realistic character. She doesn't seem to have real reactions. Perhaps this is just because she is part Venusian, but still, if you could make her personable that would work.
Now, there are some things that you did very well. Your beginning is strong and draws me in. I like the confidence in your voice. The questions that you bring to the reader's mind. I also enjoy the humor that you bring into this piece toward the mid end part. That's a great little touch.
Your descriptions are good. But because this is written in the first person, everything hinges upon the likeability of the characters, especially the main character. You have a great imagination, so I know that you can do a wonderful job on this. You'll be able to make Lidia real and come so alive to the reader that they're going to feel like she's right there with them.
Reading this section leaves me with a lot of questions. This piece strikes me as the sort of thing that has a lot of different possibilities and could easily be continued into a novel. If it is being continued into a larger story then this will work great as a segment (especially if you develop the characters even more). But if this is a stand alone story, you've got a lot of questions you need to answer. Well, depending on which style you're mimicking. I'm leaving this in your department though, because I'm guessing that this is a story that is to be continued.
This is obviously a complex society. Even though not too much of it is described, I can see that this will be quite the novel if it's continued. I encourage you to keep going with it. This is a potentially interesting character and dramatic setting. And I know that you can write this just by reading your introduction. You've got the skill. Now all you need is time. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to find that.
One thought though might be that at the end, Lidia changes her name because she doesn't want to go by what she was told. Just a thought.
Thanks so much for submitting this. If you rework it, continue it, and would like me to read it, please just let me know. Thanks again! God bless you and keep on writing!
Hey there and welcome to Writing.Com! If there's anything that I can do to help you around the site or anything like that, please feel free to ask.
This is a good poem you have here. The point is a good one. And yes, sometimes success requires a certain amount of stubbornness, lol. I knew that there was a good reason for it.
The only thing that really stood out to me was this persistatant should be persistent
Also at the end, you use the word succeed fairly close to the last time. You might want to pick another word and I wasn't sure due to your formatting whether or not the final line was supposed to be a part of the one above it or not.
You might want to consider boldening the title text. You do that by using these fancy brackets {b } (remove the space) and place it at the beginning of your desired text. At the end of what you wanted boldened, type {/b } and delete the extra space. Then you'll be all set.
Last but not least you might want to consider using punctuation in this throughout the middle of the sentences where it would normally be used.
Other than that, you did a great job. The point to this is what especially gets me. It's so well thought out and you state it very well. Big points for that! That's always the hardest part for me.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I hope you have a great time here. God bless you!
Wow! I can't find anything to suggest on this poem. You did such a beautiful job describing this and I had no problem with the rhythm.
This uses a rather long syllable count (don't know what the technical word for that is, lol) but it works so well. And I love the fact that you used color with this. Plus the message is so sweet.
The only thing that I could possibly suggest is that you use a word other than never in the final line. But since it's underlined, I'm guessing that it was intentional. If not, you might want to change it.
This really is beautiful. I'm sure your 'life' would be touched. These are such sweet words. Thank you so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing.
I would like to clarify that I made a mistake. I meant to give you five stars and I accidentally only gave you a 4.5 star rating. Please forgive this error. This piece truly deserves five stars. I didn't find anything to change in it and that is saying something. Thanks again. God bless you!
It sounds like you had a wonderful time too. I'm so glad that you and the others are taking the time to write down what your experiences were like because they are so great for people like me who are wondering what it's going to be like.
It sounds like everything was just wonderful and I look forward to reading more of your work. You put in so much effort into this piece. It made it come alive and just touched my heart. Thank you so much for sharing this glimpse into what it must have been like. It sounds like you all could write a book about what all that happened.
Nothing to suggest as far as the writing goes. This was excellent. Thank you so much for sharing this. God bless you more and more! And keep on writing.
What another excellent description of the convention. This is great and I really appreciate the emotion that you put into this piece. It's obvious that you've been through a lot.
My brother, Elijah, is autistic. He's gone through a lot and it's been hard on the whole family, but we're learning so much through him. I know that it's tough, but in this piece it's so obvious that you love your son and that just adds to the beauty of this piece.
Thank you so much for sharing this bit of your life. It sounds like the Writing.Com convention was great. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. God bless you and keep on writing!
Hey there and welcome! I hope that you have a great time here at Writing.Com. If there's anything I can do to help you get around the site, just let me know.
This reads well and I like your word choice. It's abstract enough to allow the reader to guess what's going on. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea. And that's a good part of this piece.
I would, however, suggest that you use punctuation and perhaps consider elongating the poem. Elongation isn't necessary, but the punctuation would definitely add to this piece. For instance, commas here Hurt guilt neglect so it would read hurt, guilt, neglect
Thanks so much for sharing this. I hope that you found this review helpful. I hope that you have a great time here. God bless you!
Another great piece. You care a lot about your animals and that shines through here. Though there are just a few words here compared to some pieces, they are very poignant and they all count.
There's one weird thing here. Instead of commas, there's two periods. I don't know that this is anything you did. I've had the computer doing some weird things too.
You also need to check your commas. Here's a common example that I notice in this piece: My vet knowing that I would not be satisfied with just sewing her back up went the extra step comma between vet and knowing and up and went.
Other than that, you did a great job. I'm glad to know that Koyote is okay, even though she has to be on medication for the rest of her life. That's no fun but she looks like a precious kitty. And I love the way you spell her name. It's a neat touch.
Thanks so much for writing about your kitty experiences. God bless you and keep on writing! I hope that Koyote has a good time while you're gone too. I imagine that she misses you.
Oh, how neat! It's probably a good idea though that you have a cat pen since otherwise, they might eat your butterflies. That's the problem around here. Although the coyotes are even worse.
To make your punchline at the end stronger, I would mention the price of the cat pen and then state that your peace of mind is priceless.
The only other thing that I can suggest that you could do to strengthen this is that when you're listing the things that concerned you, you put them in separate sentences. So your questions would look something like this: Had the coyotes gotten them? Had they run away? Something like that.
Other than that, it's great. I really enjoyed this brief bit and that's something that I'll definitely consider later on. This would make another great article, especially for a cat magazine.
Hope that you're having a wonderful time at the convention. Thanks for sharing your experiences. God bless you!
Normally, I don't rate folders. But for this marvelous piece, I'll make an exception. You put so much time into describing this, I couldn't not rate this. My mother wants a butterfly garden, but it's too dangerous to have one around here. So we content ourselves with bushes that draw them.
Have you considered writing articles on butterfly gardens? I'm sure that you'd have a whole plethora of ideas.
The only thing that isn't clear at this point when I read this is,
1: is this an enclosed area? Or is it open and more of a sanctuary for the butterflies to fly in? Now you do clarify that with your pictures, but just going strictly by the information here, I thought I'd mention that.
2: Also what are some of the plants' names? And what are your favorite butterflies?
You don't have to answer those questions. They're just things that I noticed.
Here's some of the more grammatical things:
It's a great place to clear you mind. should be your rather than you
If anyone would say, for flow, if anyone said might work better. Otherwise, it seemed a bit awkward to me.
Between the dash in one other good point in the pesticide section, you'll want to have an extra space on each side, so that it doesn't look like a misspelled word.
Other than that, great job! I really enjoyed looking at this and the pictures of your butterfly garden are absolutely gorgeous! Thank you so much for letting me have this chance to get a peek at it. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is yet another thing that you offer for free here, lol. Information on writing materials and software. I wish that I had found this earlier, but ah well, now I have.
Your format is good and I really appreciate it that you didn't make a hyperlink that says just Norton for instance so that I can't see the actual website. That's very helpful for when I need to write something down.
The only thing that I can suggest you add to improve this is to say whether or not you want people contacting you with sites that they think would be beneficial. That way if someone finds something they can send it to you.
Something else that you might consider adding in here are the various search engines, perhaps. I'm using Google, which now has a new tool bar that blocks pop ups too. It's very nice. I know that when I first started working on the computer, I was totally lost. This will be very helpful to novices....and even pros who need a bit of a memory boost. Thanks so much for all that you do. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is a very well written article. While you may consider this a rant, it didn't strike me as that in the least. You didn't use any foul language, you didn't insult the person, you removed the person's name to avoid embarrassment, and you explain your position rationally.
Yes, you do use colors and you do use exclamation points. But it works very well for me. I think that this works very well, and if you were to rework this, say writing another one entitled "FREE!!!" Or something like that, you could post it in the FAQ section for newcomers. That was one of my main fears when I first joined, because I didn't have any money to spend. (Literally. Didn't even know if I was going to be able to keep my computer) And this also shows a lot of other things that the members of Writing.Com can do.
The only thing that distracts me in this piece are the edit points, which I'm not sure why you have here. I think you could easily remove them and it would not detract from your piece at all.
There's some other free things that Writing.Com offers that werren't here that I thought I would mention. Writing.Com gives inspiration for free. Now that might be considered to be a part of just improving writing in general. But I have been on a variety of different writing sites and the two don't go hand in hand by any means. This is the only writing group that I've ever been on that has caused my creativity to explode twofold.
Writing.Com also offers new experiences and the ability to learn new crafts for free. I learned how to write good short stories here. I learned how to write poetry. Again, part of the writing? No, I think that this is yet another place. There's writing courses here, offered for Free. I've never been on a writing site where I could learn how to write a sonnet without paying a pricy bit.
Writing.Com also offers a wide variety of earning gift points, so that in essence, you could get an upgraded or premium membership for free. Including the reviewers rewarding reviewers, RAOK, groups that help out other writers, and many more.
Thanks so much for posting this. You stated your opinion clearly and concisely, while at the same time remaining courteous and maintaining a sense of humor. Thanks again. I hope that you're having a great time at the convention. God bless you and keep on writing!
Jessica
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And the reason that some things are cliche is because they are so true. And the fact that you put it in writing means that it might encourage someone else. 
It does say something about your story. Though red is my favorite color, lol. 
However, my disagreement in no way detracts from your rating, just so you know.