\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sindbad
Review Requests: ON
2,739 Public Reviews Given
2,748 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I want an honest opinion
I'm good at...
I am sensitive to minor details.
Favorite Genres
Any
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and erotic
Favorite Item Types
Science fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Erotic
I will not review...
Religious, or illogical.
Public Reviews
<   1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  ...   >
1
1
Review of The Sign  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This is my review of "The Sign".
This is a poignant and atmospheric piece of supernatural fiction that effectively blends the mundane reality of a lonely life with the cosmic mystery of the unknown.My review will focus on the story’s themes, structure, and execution.

Overall Impression

"The Sign" is a haunting character study of Eddie, a man defined by his isolation and his yearning for a sense of purpose beyond his small-town existence. The story excels in its atmosphere; the descriptions of the oppressive August heat and the "dry riverbed" town create a sensory experience that mirrors Eddie’s own internal "drought" of hope.

The irony that defines the ending—Eddie finally receiving his sign only at the moment of his death—is both tragic and strangely satisfying.

Strengths
* Atmospheric World-Building: You do a wonderful job of setting the scene. The "unbearable and depressing" heat isn't just weather; it’s a metaphor for Eddie’s life. The transition from the dry, dusty beginning to the torrential rain at the end provides a strong narrative arc.
* Character Depth: Eddie is a sympathetic protagonist. His backstory—losing his father, caring for his sick mother, and being left behind by his sister—grounds his "bizarre" behavior in real-life trauma and duty. We understand why he looks at the stars: he is looking for an escape from a life that has been unyieldingly difficult.
* Symbolism and Irony: The use of the constellation Aquarius (the Water Bearer) is a clever piece of foreshadowing. The fact that the "sign" on the stone only reveals itself when wet (by rain and blood) ties back perfectly to his zodiac sign.

Areas for Improvement / Observations

* Pacing and Logic: The transition from the stone being "totally homogeneous" under scientific lasers to showing a clear "laser-carved" image when wet is a classic magical realism trope. However, the logic of the message itself is quite dark. The "sign" Eddie waited for was essentially a blueprint of his own death. It raises a chilling question: was the star "lucky," or was it a harbinger of doom?

* Narrative Distance: At times, the narrative feels a bit detached. For example, the car accident happens very quickly. Adding a bit more internal monologue from Eddie as he sees the car—the split-second decision-making—might increase the tension before the impact.

* The Ending Tone: The dog howling and the midnight train create a "mournful" and "ghostly" finale. It works well, but the detail about the stone rolling into a ditch to remain "unremarkable" is the strongest part of the conclusion. It suggests that Eddie’s miracle was for him alone, and the world remains indifferent to his discovery.

Technical Elements
* Word Count & Structure: The story moves at a steady pace. The "investigation" phase where he visits the research center and library provides a necessary bridge between the discovery of the stone and the climax.
* Imagery: The description of raindrops "as big as peanuts" and the "African drums" of Eddie's heartbeat are vivid and help the reader feel his frantic energy.

Final Thoughts

"The Sign" is a successful supernatural drama. It captures the "incurable dreamer" archetype perfectly. While the ending is somber, it grants the protagonist the one thing he wanted: validation. He wasn't crazy; he was just waiting for the rain...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Spencer Stoner

This short story, "Unicorns are Evil!", is a clever subversion of the "pure maiden" trope found in classical fantasy. It balances character development with a cynical, modern take on mythical creatures.
Here is a detailed review of the story:
### Plot and Theme: The Subversion of "Purity"
The core strength of this story is its critique of the "purity" test. By having the unicorn react with comical dizziness to Ophelia (the experienced mercenary) but with genuine disgust toward Hero (the innocent survivor of trauma), the author highlights a profound moral truth: mythical judgment is often shallow and cruel.
The "villain" of the piece isn't a person, but the unicorn itself—a creature that cannot distinguish between "sin" and "suffering." This makes the ending, where the birds bombard the unicorn with droppings, incredibly cathartic. It serves as a symbolic "justice" for the judgment the girls faced.
### Character Analysis
* Ophelia: She is a fantastic "tough-love" mentor figure. Her dialogue is sharp, and her willingness to expose herself to public ridicule just to distract Hero shows a deep, hidden kindness. Her struggle to find "nice" words (like "ninnyhammer" or "milquetoast") adds a touch of humor to her gruff persona.
* Hero: She serves as the emotional heart of the story. Her insecurity about her scar and her past makes her a sympathetic protagonist. The "monster" reveal—implying she might be a werewolf or similar creature—adds a layer of fantasy intrigue that explains the unicorn's extreme reaction without making Hero feel like a "bad" person.
* Collen: Though he appears briefly, his timing provides the perfect "fairy tale" ending that the unicorn tried to ruin. It reinforces the idea that human love is more valid than magical judgment.
### Tone and Style
The author maintains a light, breezy tone that shifts effectively into emotional vulnerability.
* Humor: The "melancholy version of Pop Goes the Weasel" and the descriptions of the unicorn acting like it’s going to faint are highlights.
* Pacing: The story moves quickly from the quiet lakeshore to the chaotic "Unicorn Greet," keeping the reader engaged.
* Setting: "Silver Lake" feels like a lived-in fantasy tourist trap, which is a fun and relatable concept.
### Suggestions for Improvement
* The "Monster" Reveal: The mention of Hero becoming a "monster" (the claw pantomime) is a very significant plot point dropped near the end. While it explains the unicorn's flight, it feels a bit rushed. A slightly earlier hint about her nature might make that payoff even stronger.
* The Crowd’s Reaction: The story mentions the crowd looking at them like "reeking garbage." While this fits the "judgmental" theme, a moment where Ophelia stands up to a specific heckler might have added a bit more "mercenary flare" to the scene.
### Final Verdict
"Unicorns are Evil!" is a refreshing take on the fantasy genre. It treats its characters with dignity, acknowledging that "purity" is a flawed metric for goodness. It’s a story about found family and the idea that our scars and experiences—no matter how messy—don't make us unworthy of love...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
J. M. Kraynak

In this story, the séance acts as a supernatural courtroom for Aimee Rivery, a character inspired by a real-life historical mystery. By setting the scene on midsummer’s eve in a dark room in Abbey Wood, the author bridges the gap between a 21st-century flash fiction challenge and an 18th-century legend.
Here is a breakdown of the Aimee Rivery séance and the lore behind it:
1. The Story: Aimee's Fatal Guilt
In the text, the séance is not a peaceful attempt to contact the "other side." It is a violent ritual of exposure.
* The Manifestation: The medium (the "spirit link") channels a "pencil-thin line of black" that takes the shape of a child. This is a classic horror trope: using the innocent image of a child to represent a dark, unresolved sin.
* The Execution: Aimee Rivery is "adorned in fine scarlet silk," a color often used in literature to symbolize sin or blood. The "intangible claws" that rake her throat suggest that her death in the story is a direct punishment for a crime involving her daughter.
* The Verdict: The medium’s final rasp—"None can escape their guilt"—recontextualizes Aimee from a victim of a haunting to a woman who has been hiding a dark secret, possibly the murder or abandonment of a child.
2. The Historical Inspiration
The real Aimée du Buc de Rivery (1768–1817) is the subject of one of history’s most famous "missing person" legends.
* The Disappearance: Aimée was a French heiress from Martinique and a cousin of Empress Josephine (Napoleon’s wife). In 1788, while returning from a convent school in France, her ship vanished.
* The Ottoman Legend: According to popular (though largely debunked) lore, she was captured by Barbary pirates and sold into the harem of the Ottoman Sultan. The legend claims she became Nakşidil Sultan, the "Queen Mother" (Valide Sultan) who influenced the empire with her French values.
* The Connection to the Séance: Your’s story plays with the "mysterious vanishing" aspect of her life. While history suggests she was a victim of pirates or the sea, the story suggests her "disappearance" was a cover for a far more sinister personal history involving guilt and blood.
3. Analysis of the Supernatural Elements
The séance utilizes several Gothic elements to build dread:
* The Vortex: The "swirling vortex of smoky blue liquid" escaping the medium's lips is an evocative description of ectoplasm, a physical substance spiritualists claimed was produced by mediums.
* Sensory Contrast: The author contrasts the "sullen well-offs" and their fine silks with the "decaying woman" and the "bone-shattering rumble," highlighting the thin veil between the civilized world and the "betwixt" world of the dead.
Summary of Themes
| Theme | Role in the Séance |
|---|---|
| Historical Mystery | Uses the real-life disappearance of Aimée Rivery to ground the horror. |
| Class Irony | The "sullen well-offs" are physically broken by a spirit they initially viewed with "skepticism." |
| The Uncanny | The shape of a child appearing between the sitters turns a domestic image into a source of terror...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
for entry "End of The Ridings..." Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
J. M. Kraynak

This flash fiction piece,End of the riding within, "The Things Betwixt..." , is a masterclass in atmospheric dread and the "closed-loop" paradox. At only 300 words, it manages to establish a gothic tone and deliver a chilling psychological payoff.
Here is a detailed review of the story:
Overall Impression
The story is hauntingly effective. It utilizes the "found footage" trope in a literary sense—where an object (the photograph) serves as both the catalyst for the plot and the eventual trap. The prose is lush and archaic, fitting the Victorian setting and the "dreadful dreary twilight" mood. The twist is satisfying because it recontextualizes the beginning of the story, suggesting a supernatural cycle of predestination.
Strengths
* Atmospheric Word Choice: The author uses "sensory" verbs and adjectives to build tension. Phrases like "malicious ivy," "cackling" doors, and "husks of ashen dead trees" create a sense of decay and hostility from the environment itself.
* Pacing: For a 300-word limit, the pacing is excellent. It moves quickly from the inciting incident (receiving the photo) to the climax (the flash), without losing the descriptive depth needed for horror.
* The "Loop" Concept: The horror lies in the realization that the narrator is not a bystander, but a participant in a recurring nightmare. By standing behind the dead man, he has fulfilled the image he was sent, implying that someone—perhaps the next victim—is now taking a photo of him.
Thematic Analysis

The story plays with the idea of Predestination vs. Free Will. The narrator notes a "distinct stirring" that implored him to forget the photo, yet he goes anyway. This suggests a compulsion that transcends logic, a staple of classic Lovecraftian or Gothic horror where the protagonist is drawn toward their own undoing.
Areas for Improvement / Tips

* Grammar and Flow: There is a slight subject-verb agreement issue in the first paragraph: "The contents of which was naught but a photograph." Since "contents" is plural, it should technically be "The contents of which were..." * Clarity on the Ending: While the "flash" ending is punchy, a tiny bit more detail on the narrator's reaction to seeing the camera (or who was holding it) could heighten the terror. Is it a tripod? A shadowy figure? Leaving it to the imagination is good, but a "glint of glass" or "a pale finger on the shutter" might make it feel even more immediate.
* Word Choice Repetition: The word "betwixt" is used in the title and twice in the text. While it fits the Victorian vibe, using it for the wine glass ("dangled betwixt his fingers") feels a bit forced compared to its more poetic use in the title.
Final Rating: 5 / 5 Stars
It is a tight, spooky, and well-executed piece of flash fiction that lingers in the mind long after reading..sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Joey C

This is a detailed review of the article "Elephants, Tigers, and Bears, Oh My!".
Overall Impression

This is an engaging and eye-opening piece of literary commentary that serves as a bridge between two cultural icons: L. Frank Baum’s 1900 novel and the 1939 MGM film. The author’s voice is relatable, capturing the genuine "shock and awe" a modern reader feels when discovering that a beloved cinematic masterpiece is actually a loose adaptation of a "technically flawed" book. It is a thoughtful exploration of how a story’s spirit can outweigh its prose quality.

Key Highlights & Analysis

1. The Commercial vs. Literary Paradox
The author makes a compelling point about the book’s massive success (one in seven households owning a copy) despite what they describe as "poor" writing by modern standards. This section is particularly insightful for fellow writers, as it highlights a hard truth: commercial appeal and technical perfection are not always the same thing.

2. The "Loss in Translation" (Book vs. Film)
The article effectively categorizes the major discrepancies between the two mediums:
* Characters:
The revelation that the farmhands and Miss Gulch were MGM inventions is a standout point.
* Aesthetics: The shift from silver shoes to ruby slippers is a famous piece of trivia, but the author’s explanation of the "gray" Kansas setting adds depth to why the movie looks the way it does.
* The Macabre Origins: Mentioning the Tin Man’s tragic backstory (losing limbs to a cursed axe) provides a darker context that the film sanitized for a 1930s audience.
3. Tone and Style

The tone is conversational and "peer-to-peer," making it feel like a discussion in a writer's workshop. Using Paul Harvey’s "The rest of the story" catchphrase grounds the piece in a sense of nostalgic discovery.
Tips for Improvement

* Structure the "List of Differences":

While the "Oh my!" energy is fun, the middle section becomes a bit of a "laundry list" of facts. Using subheadings like "Missing Characters" or "Darker Plot Points" would help scannability.
* Clarify the "Tell" Argument: The author mentions the book is a "gigantic 'Tell' of the first order." Providing one short specific example of Baum’s "telling instead of showing" would strengthen the educational value for other writers.
* Link the Ending to the Beginning: The conclusion mentions that Baum’s later books were better written but less famous. It would be interesting to hear the author’s theory on why—is it because the "flaws" of the first book actually contributed to its magic?
Final Verdict
Rating: 5 / 5 Stars
This is a must-read for fans of The Wizard of Oz and a comforting reminder for aspiring authors that a great story can survive—and even thrive—despite technical imperfections. It successfully challenges the reader to look past the "silver screen" and appreciate the strange, imaginative, and often bizarre roots of American fairy tales...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Norswede

This first chapter of "Embraced By Darkness" sets a strong supernatural-gothic tone, effectively balancing the mundane struggles of a teenager with an unsettling, otherworldly threat.Sorry I posted this review after the chapter 2 review though I have read both the chapters simultaneously.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter:
Overall Impression
The chapter succeeds in establishing Emily as a sympathetic protagonist. You’ve created a sharp contrast between her external life—a comfortable, upper-class home in Vancouver—and her internal life, which is plagued by trauma, isolation, and a supernatural presence. The "vacuum" effect in the opening scene is a particularly strong sensory detail that heightens the tension.
Plot and Pacing
The pacing is brisk and follows a classic "day in the life" structure that works well for a first chapter.
* The Hook: Starting with the nightmare immediately introduces the conflict. The transition from the dream to the reality of her room being "too silent" creates a nice sense of lingering dread.
* The Twist: The ending POV shift is a classic trope in supernatural thrillers. It provides a chilling counterpoint to Emily’s fear, revealing that the "monster" doesn't see himself as a villain, but as a lover.
Character Development
* Emily: Her struggle with "two years of little to no sleep" gives her a vulnerability that makes the reader root for her. The detail about her origins in the Downtown Eastside provides necessary depth; it suggests she has a "survivor" mentality even if she feels like an outsider now.
* John: The father-daughter chemistry is charming and lighthearted. The "leather pants" joke serves as a good emotional anchor, making the later scene at school feel much heavier by comparison.
* The Entity: The closing paragraph gives us a glimpse into his psyche. The mention of her "aura" suggests a system of magic or spiritual energy that will likely be expanded upon later.
Strengths
* Sensory Writing: You do a great job describing the physical sensations of fear—the "ears popping," the "ice cold hands," and the "vacuum" of sound.
* Relatability: The high school scene, while painful, is very effective. The cruelty of the students regarding her mother’s mental health history adds a layer of "real-world" stakes to her "supernatural" problem.
Areas for Improvement / Tips
* Show, Don't Tell (Mental Health): When the girl taunts Emily about her "dead mother" being "crazy," it’s a powerful moment. You might strengthen this by having Emily show a physical reaction (a flinch, a specific memory flash) before she runs to the bathroom, rather than just stating she was "as crazy as her mother."
* Dialogue Tags: You have a good handle on dialogue, but watch for repetitive tags. For example, "she beamed," "she teased," "she shouted." Occasionally, letting the dialogue stand on its own or using an action (e.g., Emily rolled her eyes. "Okay Dad, TMI.") can make the flow feel more natural.
* The Transition to School: The jump from the breakfast table to the school parking lot is a bit sudden. A sentence or two about her drive or her thoughts on the "snooty" environment while she’s in the car could smooth that transition.
Final Rating: 5/5 Stars
This is a very promising start. It hits the necessary beats for a Young Adult Supernatural Thriller: a mysterious past, a relatable protagonist, and a "dark protector" figure whose intentions are dangerously blurred...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Norswede

This second chapter of Embraced By Darkness does an excellent job of building tension by blurring the lines between the "real world" and the supernatural "dream world." It balances teenage normalcy with a growing sense of dread.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter:
1. Plot and Pacing
The pacing is well-handled. You start with a slow, domestic scene that establishes Emily’s family life and then ramp up the intensity toward the end.
* The Transition: Moving from a sunny Saturday morning to a dark, supernatural experience at a hypnotist show is a clever narrative choice. It uses the concept of "suggestibility" to bridge the gap between Emily’s reality and her nightmares.
* The Stakes: The most compelling part of this chapter is the physical manifestation of the dream (the twisted ankle). This raises the stakes from "it’s just a nightmare" to "this is a physical threat," which is a classic and effective horror trope.
2. Character Development
* Josh: He is the standout character in this chapter. The contrast between his intimidating "Gothic" exterior and his protective, affectionate nature makes him very likable. His backstory—overcoming abuse and finding a path through art—gives him depth and makes the reader root for his relationship with Emily.
* Cathy: She serves as a strong "grounding" force. Her concern about Emily’s "breakdown" in physics class reminds the reader that Emily’s internal struggle is starting to leak into her public life.
* Emily: Her internal monologue reveals her isolation. Even though she is surrounded by people who love her, she feels she cannot tell them the truth for fear of being labeled "crazy." This emotional isolation is as scary as the shadow figure.
3. Tone and Atmosphere
The author successfully manages two very different moods:
* The "Real" World: Warm, humid, and loud. Descriptions of bacon and eggs, amusement park rides, and teasing banter feel authentic and safe.
* The "Dream" World: Frigid, silent, and monochromatic (white branches, black sky). The shift in temperature is a great sensory detail that alerts the reader that the "darkness" is taking over.
4. Key Strengths
* Sensory Details: The description of the "forest of dead trees" is vivid. The detail about the "gnarled white branches" glowing in the dark creates a haunting visual.
* The Ending Twist: Ending with the perspective of the "stalker" is a bold move. It humanizes the threat, making it more complex—he isn't just a monster; he thinks he is a lover. This "obsessive" angle is much creepier than a standard ghost.
5. Suggestions for Improvement
* The Hypnotist Scene: The transition into the trance happens very quickly. You might consider adding a few more lines about the hypnotist’s specific words or the rhythmic swinging of a watch to make Emily’s "falling under" feel more hypnotic and less like she just fell asleep instantly.
* Dialogue Tags: In the breakfast scene, there are a few places where the dialogue tags could be tightened. Instead of just "she teased" or "he replied," you could use actions to show their mood (e.g., Josh leaned back, his chair creaking, with a smirk.)
Overall Impression
This is a strong second chapter. It effectively moves the story from a "bad dream" premise into a "supernatural haunting" reality. The relationship between the siblings provides a strong emotional heart for the story, which makes the reader care about Emily's safety...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Wherever You Go  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This is a beautifully atmospheric story that blends the "Twisted Tale" prompt with elements of the supernatural and the spiritual. It captures a sense of nostalgia tinged with mystery.
Here is a detailed review of "Wherever You Go",:
Overall Impression
The story is a poignant exploration of protection and fate. It uses a "circular" narrative structure effectively—starting in a peaceful present-day church and spiraling back to a traumatic, miraculous past. The pacing is deliberate, building a sense of dread that is ultimately resolved by a miracle. The central theme—that we are often watched over by forces we don't understand—is handled with a gentle, mysterious touch rather than being overly "preachy."
Key Strengths
1. Symbolic Imagery
The walnut tree is an excellent piece of symbolism. By establishing it as a representation of "family continuity," its "strange" death serves as a powerful omen for the destruction of the family home. It anchors the supernatural elements in nature.
2. The Mystery of Marianne
The character of Marianne is perfectly enigmatic. The author leaves just enough clues to suggest she is more than a human babysitter:
* The Recommendation: The fact that the "Winston" family had never heard of her confirms her otherworldly origins.
* The Language: The German inscription on the medallion (Gott schütze dich – "God protect you") and her "unknown" language suggest she is an ancestral or angelic figure.
* The Ladder: This is the most effective "twist." The ladder appearing before the storms shows she didn't just react to the fire; she knew it was coming and prepared the escape route in advance.
3. Emotional Resonance
The transition from the narrator "freezing" at the priest's words to his heart filling with "warmth" is a subtle but strong emotional beat. It transforms a potentially terrifying memory (a house fire) into a testimony of being loved and protected.
Areas for Improvement / Analysis
1. Narrative Tension vs. Logic
The narrator mentions that the father found the ladder against the window before the fire and accepted the excuse of "cleaning windows during a storm." While this highlights the father's obliviousness, a skeptical reader might find it odd that he didn't question why someone would clean windows in a downpour.
* Tip: Adding a small line about the father being "distracted by work" or "trusting to a fault" would further justify why he didn't see the red flag.
2. The "Twist" Execution
Since this was for a "Twisted Tales" contest, the twist is quite "soft"—it’s a benevolent twist (she was an angel) rather than a dark one. To sharpen the impact, you can emphasize the "conspiracy" aspect between the kids and Marianne a bit more, making the reader wonder if she is causing the storms before revealing she is saving them from them.
3. Word Count and Flow
The prose is clear, but some sentences are a bit long or use repetitive structures (e.g., "The sun was shining...").
* Example: "I do not know what brought me back but I bought a house near the forest; quite similar to the one we had had when I was young..." could be tightened to "Driven by an unknown urge, I bought a house near the forest—a wooden mirror of my childhood home."
Final Verdict

Rating: 5 / 5 Stars

This is a high-quality piece of flash fiction. It successfully evokes the "uncanny" feeling of a ghost story while maintaining the heart of a spiritual memoir. The ending provides a satisfying "click" for the reader as the priest’s sermon bridges the gap between the 8-year-old boy and the grown man...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Once we were Gods  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Joey Says...Where's Winter?

This is a poignant and relatable poem that uses grand, mythological metaphors to explore the shifting dynamics of fatherhood and the universal experience of aging. Below is a detailed review of "Once we were Gods"
Overall Impression
The poem is a moving meditation on the "fall from grace" that almost every parent experiences. By framing a father’s early relationship with his son through the lens of divinity (Zeus, Apollo), the author captures the absolute awe children have for their parents before the "age of reason" hits. The transition from an all-powerful deity to a "burden" is handled with a heavy, effective sense of melancholy.
Key Themes & Literary Devices
1. The Metaphor of Divinity
The first half of the poem utilizes hyperbole to establish the narrator's "God-like" status.
* "To light my way the sun rose with my command."
* "When I moved my feet, the ground would quake."
These aren't just boasts; they represent how a toddler perceives their father—as the source of all safety, power, and creation. The "enchanted forest" and "fortress" represent the protected world of early childhood.
2. The "Turning Point" (Stanza 3)
The poem’s strength lies in its pacing. The sudden shift—"Then it happened, almost overnight"—mirrors the real-life experience of a child growing independent. The poem cleverly subverts the reader's expectation; we initially think this might be a poem about a literal fall from power or a fantasy epic, only to realize in the fourth stanza that the "catastrophe" is simply a child growing up.
3. Irony and Cyclical Nature
The ending provides a powerful, sobering twist. The narrator realizes his own father went through this exact same rejection when he turned five. This transforms the poem from a personal grievance into a universal cycle of life, suggesting that every generation must "dethrone" their parents to find their own path.
Strengths
* Emotional Resonance: The line "My breath now falls wasted on living ears" is particularly haunting. It captures the frustration of a parent whose wisdom is no longer sought.
* Contrasting Imagery: The contrast between "parting the seas" and being told "Get out of the way old man" is sharp and creates a visceral "sting" for the reader.
* Relatability: Any parent who has felt the sting of their child's first act of defiance or loss of wonder will find deep truth here.
Tips for Improvement
* Rhythmic Consistency: In some places, the line lengths vary significantly (e.g., the long descriptions of stars and rotation versus the shorter concluding lines). Tightening the meter in the "Godly" section could make the narrator's "commanding" voice feel even more authoritative.
* Word Choice: The phrase "vice and the songs of the wicked" feels a bit abstract compared to the very specific, grounded pain of the line "Get out of the way old man." Using more concrete examples of modern "noise" might heighten the contrast.
* Punctuation: There are a few extra commas (e.g., "entire world, began its rotation") that slightly break the flow. Smoothing these out would enhance the "voice" of the narrator.
Final Thoughts
"Once we were Gods" is a beautiful, bittersweet tribute to the fleeting nature of childhood innocence. It serves as a reminder that the "power" of a parent is not found in their actual ability to move mountains, but in the reflection of their child’s eyes. It is a 5/5 star piece for its emotional honesty and clever use of mythology...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This is a beautifully atmospheric short story that explores the themes of grief, spiritual connection, and the "destiny" of home.
Below is a detailed review of "A Sort of Homecoming."
Overall Impression
The story is a poignant, lyrical meditation on the bond between generations. It captures the specific, hazy nostalgia of childhood summers and contrasts it effectively with the cold anxiety of adulthood and loss. The pacing is gentle—much like the "soft breeze" described in the text—and the supernatural element at the end provides a satisfying, emotional "full circle" moment.
Strengths
1. Vivid Sensory Imagery
You excel at creating a "sense of place." Descriptions of the purple poppy fields, the water lilies spanning ten meters, and the specific ritual of harvesting the bulbs make the setting feel like a character itself. The detail about using poppy seeds as a "blackboard" to learn the alphabet is particularly charming and original.
2. Emotional Authenticity
The narrator’s reaction to her grandmother’s death feels very real. Instead of a Hollywood-style "perfect goodbye," she experiences:
* Guilt: Arriving just as the grandmother passes.
* Fear: Being terrified of the house and the "ghosts" of the past.
* Avoidance: Running to the city to bury her feelings.
This makes the eventual "homecoming" much more earned and impactful.
3. The "Out-of-Body" Motif

The story introduces the concept of seeing oneself from above or behind. This serves as a clever literary device to show the narrator’s detachment from herself while grieving, and it bridges the gap between the physical world and the spiritual presence of her grandmother.

Thematic Analysis
* Resurrection: The story uses the grandmother’s Greco-Roman myth about poppies to foreshadow the narrator’s own life. Just as the poppies return every year, the narrator "resurrects" her grandmother’s legacy by returning to the house.
* Coming Home:

The title is literal and metaphorical. It is about returning to a building, but also returning to one's true nature (the "painter" and "soul mate") that was suppressed in the city.
Tips for Improvement

1. Tense Consistency
There are a few moments where the narrative shifts between past and present tense in a way that can be slightly jarring.
* Example: "I wonder how far back in time I should go... or maybe to the day of my birth... when I met my grandma."
* Tip: Ensure the transitions between the "now" (sitting on the bench) and the "then" (the memories) are clearly demarcated to help the reader stay grounded in the timeline.

2. Pacing in the Middle
The transition from the narrator's city life back to the cottage happens quite quickly. While the dream of the "circle of remorse" is a strong catalyst, a bit more detail on the emptiness of her city life might make her decision to leave it all behind feel even more powerful.

3. Punctuation and Flow
Some sentences are "run-ons," using commas where semicolons or periods might create a more dramatic rhythm.
* Example: "I was fifteen and full of fears, and from that moment on I was even more scared, I knew quite a lot already but not enough..."
* Suggestion: Breaking these into shorter, punchier sentences could emphasize the narrator's state of panic.
Final Verdict

"A Sort of Homecoming" is a touching tribute to the people who shape us. The ending—where the poppy seeds move on their own—is a perfect touch of "magical realism" that doesn't feel out of place because the groundwork of "soul mates" and "life after death" was laid so early on. It is a comforting read for anyone who has ever felt the pull of their roots...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Joey Says...Where's Winter?


Here is my fourth story review and all the stories did mesmerise my experience and all this I discovered in the auto reward section: "A Question of Hearing"

"A Question of Hearing" is a charming, lighthearted comedic essay that explores the humorous disconnect between academic learning and "real-world" vernacular. It captures a universal experience: the moment a student realizes that their chosen career path might require a different kind of "language" than what is taught in textbooks.
Overall Impression
The story is highly relatable and effectively uses Malapropisms (the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar-sounding one) to drive the narrative. The author, Joey, does an excellent job of positioning himself as the "straight man"—the serious, slightly pretentious student—against the colorful, linguistic creativity of his rural family.
The pacing is brisk, and the transition from his initial medical ambitions to his eventual career in engineering provides a satisfying "full circle" conclusion.
Key Highlights
* Comedic Timing: The reveals are handled beautifully. The transition from the clinical definition of Asperger’s to Uncle Buck literally sitting on a bag of "ass-burgers" is the comedic high point of the piece.
* Character Voice: Uncle Buck’s dialogue is rich with personality. Phrases like "I Suwanee" and "feather head school" ground the character in a specific cultural setting, making the humor feel authentic rather than mean-spirited.
* The "Lost-o-me": The evolution of medical terms into "Searoaches" (Cirrhosis) and "Lost-o-me" (Colostomy) highlights the creative ways people interpret complex jargon they don't quite understand.
Tips for Improvement
While the story is engaging, a few minor adjustments could sharpen the impact:
* Dialogue Formatting: In some sections, the dialogue tags are a bit repetitive or separated by semicolons where commas would suffice. Cleaning up the punctuation would improve the "flow" of the conversation.
* Show, Don't Tell: The author mentions Uncle Buck isn't known for his joviality. Instead of telling us his demeanor was "much darker," you might describe a specific action—like him staring intensely at a fish hook or ignoring his favorite snack—to show his mood.
* The Ending Punchline: The final line about "lithium grease" is clever. However, you could strengthen the "why" of the career change by emphasizing that machines don't have "limp nodes" or complicated family histories—they just have parts.
Final Verdict
This is a wonderful piece of biographical comedy. It highlights the "Hearing" in the title—not as a physical disability, but as a barrier in communication between two different worlds. It’s a warm, funny look at family dynamics and the humbling realization that sometimes, a university education is no match for a garage full of uncles...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of The Gifted Ones  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Desire's Paradox

This story, "The Gifted Ones", is a compelling start to a YA speculative fiction or "dark academia" thriller. It establishes a chilling atmosphere where the comfort of a privileged upbringing is abruptly traded for a cold, militarized education.
Here is a detailed review of the story, broken down by its literary elements:
### 1. Tone and Atmosphere
The author successfully creates a sense of creeping unease. The transition from the "warmth" of the home (symbolized by Ella’s pastries and Gregory’s kindness) to the "cold" reality of the School (symbolized by the gravelly roads and the firearm) is handled with great subtlety.
* The Contrast: The contrast between the word "gifted" and the reality of being "sold" into a life of solitude is the story’s strongest thematic hook. It redefines a positive adjective as something ominous.
* The Incarceration: Describing the school as an "institution" and the driver as a "temporary keeper" immediately tells the reader that Liam is a prisoner, regardless of how many ivory shirts he is given.
### 2. Character Analysis: Liam
Liam is an intriguing, albeit somewhat "unreliable" narrator in terms of his ego.
* The Ego: Early on, he admits his keepers built his ego until he believed he "could do no wrongs." This makes him appear sophisticated but perhaps a bit arrogant.
* The Adaptability: His reaction to receiving a firearm—calmly checking its holster and hiding his trembling—shows a character who is highly controlled and observant.
* The Voice: His dialogue with the Masters is formal, almost Shakespearean in its calculation. He isn’t just a student; he is a politician navigating a dangerous landscape.
### 3. Key Plot Devices
* The Firearm: This is the "inciting incident" of the second act. The moment a 15-year-old is handed a government-grade weapon instead of a textbook, the genre shifts from a school drama to something much more dangerous (likely espionage or state-sponsored assassination training).
* The Keeper Ella: She serves as a complex "antagonist." While she seemed doting, her decision to "sign over his life" suggests either a deep betrayal or a belief that Liam is too dangerous to remain in a normal home.
### 4. Areas for Improvement / Suggestions
* Pacing the Revelation: The transition from the car ride to being at the school for three weeks is a bit abrupt. A small scene showing his first night in the "private dormitory" might help the reader feel the weight of his isolation more deeply.
* Word Choice: The prose is very formal ("bade present myself," "equal parlance of information"). While this fits Liam’s character, the author should be careful not to let the dialogue become too stiff, or it may distance the reader from Liam’s emotions.
* The Parents: The mention of his parents going to their "Maker" is a quick way to handle the "orphan trope," but a little more hint about who they were might explain why the State took such an interest in Liam specifically.
### Summary Table
| Element | Strength |
|---|---|
| Voice | Sophisticated, observant, and slightly detached. |
| Mystery | Excellent "hooks" regarding the true purpose of the School. |
| Symbolism | The polished shoes vs. the lethal weapon highlights the "gentleman assassin" trope. |
| Pacing | Fast-moving; gets the reader to the "meat" of the story quickly. |
Final Impression
"The Gifted Ones" is a polished piece of writing that excels at building a world through a specific, biased lens. It leaves the reader with the perfect cliffhanger: What will happen at 5:00 AM on the firing range?
It promises a story about the loss of innocence and the grooming of a young man into something formidable and potentially lethal...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Three Swords  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Drake

This is a compelling short story that blends the grounded, often heavy realities of childhood with a sudden, surreal twist at the end. Here is a detailed review of "Three Swords".
Story Summary

The narrative follows seven-year-old Tyler Grant, a sensitive child living in a new environment (Sumner, California). The story opens with the domestic tension of his parents arguing, moves through the typical chaos of a household with three brothers, and follows Tyler to school. After a burst of defensive violence against a bully named Lance, Tyler is surprised by his teacher’s leniency. The story concludes with a supernatural revelation: both the bully and the teacher appear to be part of a non-human conspiracy watching Tyler.
Strengths
1. Evocative Atmosphere and Interiority
The author does an excellent job of putting the reader inside a child's mind. The "whirling, chaotic, howling sounds" Tyler hears in his head during the night serve as a powerful metaphor for the anxiety caused by his parents' fighting. It paints Tyler as a "perceptive" child—someone who absorbs the stress of his environment even when he isn't the target of it.
2. Character Dynamics
The contrast between the three brothers is well-drawn:
* Brian: The boastful, energetic oldest.
* Tyler: The observant, anxious middle child.
* Reinhart: The innocent, charming youngest.
The scene where their father comforts them feels authentic and warm, providing a necessary counterpoint to the "daggers in the night" of the parents' arguments.
3. The "Unreliable" Reality
The transition from a standard "slice of life" story to a low-fantasy/supernatural thriller is handled with subtlety. The sighting of the "green thing with sharp teeth" is first dismissed by the reader as a child’s imagination or a manifestation of stress, which makes the ending—where it is revealed to be real—far more jarring.
Areas for Improvement
1. Pacing and Perspective Shifts
The story covers a lot of ground quickly—from the middle of the night to breakfast, to a history of their move from LA, to the school day. While the "slice of life" elements are charming, the shift into the "supernatural conspiracy" in the final two paragraphs feels very abrupt.
* Suggestion: Adding one more "glitch" or strange behavior from Ms. Wilmot earlier in the day might make the ending feel more earned.
2. The Role of the Mother
Tyler adores his mother, viewing her as a "strong specimen" compared to "ignorant chickens" (the other moms). This is a very intense perspective for a seven-year-old. While it highlights Tyler’s fierce loyalty, it also borders on being slightly vitriolic. Clarifying if this is Tyler's internal voice or the narrator's objective view would help define his character further.
Critical Analysis: The Ending
The ending completely recontextualizes the story. By revealing that the teacher and the bully are "in on it" and can disappear, the author suggests that Tyler is being tested or monitored.
* The "Three Swords" Title: This likely refers to the three brothers. If the "monsters" are looking for "healthy specimens," the brothers might be targets or recruits.
* The Conflict: The fight with Lance wasn't just a schoolyard scuffle; it was a "mission" or a test of Tyler's temperament.
Overall Impression

"Three Swords" is a strong character study that successfully pivots into a dark fantasy hook. It captures the specific "weight" of childhood—the way a parent's voice can feel like a weapon and the way a school hallway can feel like a battlefield. The ending leaves the reader wanting to know exactly what Tyler is being prepared for.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of Midsummer Night  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This short story, "Midsummer Night", is a compelling blend of supernatural mystery and atmospheric fiction. It uses a classic "rip in time" trope, grounded by the folklore of St. John’s Eve.
Below is a detailed review of the story’s narrative elements, themes, and technical execution.Wosh You and Your Family a Very Happy and Prosperous 2026.
Plot Overview and Pacing
The story follows a group of former classmates at a reunion who find themselves caught in a legendary storm on Midsummer Eve. As they reminisce about the past and discuss ancient superstitions, a sudden lightning strike seemingly transports the narrator into a vivid, medieval vision of the very folklore they were discussing. The narrative concludes with a classic "uncanny" twist: the physical evidence (the photo and the watches) suggests that their experience was more than just a shared hallucination.
The pacing is excellent. It moves from a nostalgic, warm beginning to an oppressive, atmospheric middle, and finally to a jarring, supernatural climax.
Key Narrative Elements
1. Atmosphere and Imagery
The author’s greatest strength is the sensory description of the storm. Phrases like "timeless aqualung" and "thick impenetrable curtain of water" create a sense of claustrophobia and isolation, effectively separating the characters from reality before the supernatural event even occurs.
2. The Use of Folklore
By establishing the rules of Midsummer Night early on—souls leaving bodies, witches, and the "St. John's fire"—the author provides the "internal logic" for the story. This makes the later transition into the vision feel earned rather than random.
3. The Evidence of the Supernatural
The story uses three distinct "clues" to validate the supernatural experience:
* The Shared Vision: All classmates saw the same thing, ruling out individual madness.
* The Watches: The ionization and "individual times" suggest a physical disruption of the space-time continuum.
* The Photograph: The final reveal—the empty chairs—is a classic gothic horror trope that leaves the reader with a lingering chill.
Strengths and Areas for Improvement
| Strengths | Areas for Improvement |
|---|---|
| Vivid Sensory Detail: The transition from the smell of "delicious fish" to "sweaty bodies" and "burnt meat" is powerful. | Grammar & Flow: Some sentences are a bit long/run-on. For example, the description of the storm could benefit from being broken into shorter, punchier sentences to increase tension. |
| The Twist: The ending is satisfyingly eerie and fits the 13+ rating perfectly. | Dialogue: We don't hear the characters speak directly. Adding a few lines of dialogue during the meal could make the group feel more like real friends. |
| Thematic Consistency: The candle serving as a surrogate for the St. John's fire is a great symbolic touch. | Word Choice: In some places, the phrasing is a bit formal (e.g., "phenomena of nature"), which can slightly distance the reader from the narrator's fear. |
Overall Impression
"Midsummer Night" is a highly effective "ghost story" that succeeds because it anchors its fantastical elements in human emotion—the desire to revisit the past. The ending is particularly strong; the image of the empty table suggests that for a brief moment, their souls truly did "leave the body and wander," just as the legend predicted...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Joey's Ready for the Giving

Story Review: "A Mirror's View, One Day and One Night"
This is a compelling exploration of the "Jekyll and Hyde" trope, reimagined through a gothic, magical lens. The story effectively uses the concept of a magical mirror to externalize the internal conflict between Victorian-era propriety and repressed carnal desire.

Overall Impression

The narrative is atmospheric and tightly paced. You’ve successfully created a sense of "magical dread" from the very first paragraph. The contrast between Ariel (the dutiful, repressed wife) and Leira (the hedonistic, liberated shadow) provides a strong emotional core. The "cost" mentioned in your prompt—the physical sensation of turning to stone—adds a high-stakes ticking clock that makes Ariel’s climb to the attic feel grueling and significant.
Strengths
* Atmospheric Prose: Your descriptions of the house—the "glyph-covered walls," the "amber glow of firelight," and the "electric" air—build a rich, gothic texture. The physical sensation of the "touch of stone" is a creative way to manifest Ariel's psychological burden.
* The Character Duality: The dialogue between Ariel and Leira is the highlight. You’ve given them distinct voices: Ariel’s is formal and laced with martyrdom, while Leira’s is mocking, sensual, and sharp.
* The Psychological Subtext: The story works well as a metaphor for a woman struggling to integrate different parts of her identity. Leira’s observation—"It is not the Mirror, but you who made me"—is a poignant insight into how repression can create a "monster."
Areas for Improvement / Tips
* The Role of Jason: Jason is the catalyst for this arrangement, but he remains a bit of a shadow. Expanding slightly on why he demands this or how he treats Ariel versus Leira could sharpen the tragedy of Ariel’s situation. Is he a victim of the magic, or a willing participant in the deception?
* Word Choice & Flow: In the paragraph where the transformation happens ("Ariel let her fingers touch the surface..."), the transition is very quick. You might consider describing the sensation of the "swap" in more visceral detail to emphasize the trauma of the exchange.
* Grammar Note: There is a minor tense shift in the description of the mirror ("It is adorned with..." vs the past tense used elsewhere). Keeping it strictly in the past tense will help the immersion.
Key Story Elements at a Glance
| Element | Impact |
|---|---|
| Theme | The conflict between societal duty and personal desire. |
| Tone | Dark, sensual, and tragic. |
| Pacing | Fast-moving; the transition from the attic to the den keeps the momentum high. |
| Imagery | Strong use of light and shadow (the hurricane lamp vs. the dark attic). |
Final Thoughts
You’ve captured a very specific "dark fantasy" vibe that fits the "House of Black & White" prompt perfectly. The ending is haunting because it suggests that as long as Ariel views her own desires as "evil" or "other," she will remain a prisoner in her own home...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Joey's Ready for the Giving

This is a creative piece of political satire disguised as a fantasy/sci-fi encounter. Here is a detailed review of the story, breaking down its narrative structure, tone, and the "twist" ending.
Story Overview
The story begins with a classic "first contact" or "magical discovery" trope. A meteor-like object crashes behind a home in rural Florida, and the narrator discovers a tiny, beautiful being trapped inside a stone. After a bit of domestic banter with his wife, Sherry, the narrator frees the entity, only for the story to pivot sharply from a fantasy adventure into a political allegory.
Narrative Breakdown

1. Setting and Atmosphere
The author does a great job of grounding the story in reality. Using the Alafia River and Florida wetlands provides a vivid, humid, and wild backdrop. The sensory details—the "explosive clap of rolling thunder," the smell of "burnt leaves," and the physical pain of a twisted ankle—effectively pull the reader into the moment before the supernatural elements take over.
2. Characterization & Dialogue
The narrator’s voice is relatable and colloquial. His use of "minced oaths" (e.g., "What the fudge?", "Holy Sugar") adds a touch of humor and personality. The interaction between him and his wife, Sherry, feels authentic to a long-married couple; her skepticism ("Did you forget to take your pills again?") provides a nice comedic beat that balances the high-stakes discovery of a "goddess."
3. The Satirical Pivot
The climax of the story is where the genre shifts. The transformation of "Belisama" into "ACA Obamacare" is a jarring transition designed to surprise the reader.
* The Metaphor: The author uses the goddess’s "lies" about health and agriculture as a metaphor for the political promises surrounding healthcare reform.
* The Tone Shift: The story moves from a sense of wonder to one of "horror-satire," portraying the legislation as a predatory "creature of the night."
Strengths
* Pacing: The story moves quickly. The transition from the sound of the crash to the release of the entity happens in a way that keeps the reader engaged.
* Imagery: The description of the "glowing oval rock" and the "two-foot wide scar carved in the ground" creates a strong mental image.
* Voice: The narrator feels like a real person telling a story over a campfire (or via a Blackberry, as the ending suggests).
Areas for Improvement / Considerations
* The Transition: The shift from a literal goddess to a personified government policy is very abrupt. While this is the intended "punchline" of the satire, some readers might find the jump from Greek/Celtic mythology (Belisama/Cronus) to modern U.S. politics a bit jarring for the narrative flow.
* Clarity of the Ending: The ending moves into a "found footage" or "live report" style. To make the satire even sharper, the author could further lean into the "destruction" caused by the entity—perhaps describing her "devouring" the narrator's house or wallet literally to match the metaphorical ending.
Final Impression
"I'm so sorry, I turned her loose" is a clever example of how to use speculative fiction as a vehicle for political commentary. It lures the reader in with a sense of wonder and then uses that momentum to deliver a sharp critique. Whether or not a reader agrees with the political stance, the story is successful in its goal: it uses the "Pandora's Box" myth to express a specific fear of a system out of control.
An engaging read with a bold, unexpected twist...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
for entry "966 Fenchurch Street" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
J. M. Kraynak

This is a haunting piece of historical horror that effectively blends the real-world tragedy of the Great Fire of London with a supernatural origin story.
Below is a detailed review of "966 Fenchurch Street", focusing on its atmosphere, narrative structure, and technical execution.
Atmosphere and Imagery
The greatest strength of this piece is its sensory language. You don’t just describe the setting; you make the reader feel the "abysmal muck" of the London fog and the "fremescent" resistance of the house.
* The Personification of the House: Describing the architecture as a "scowl" and the iron gate "screaming" creates a palpable sense of malice. It moves the setting from a backdrop to an active antagonist.
* The "Snow-Blind" Effect: The description of the interior haze not as fog, but as a visual impairment, is a brilliant way to signal to the reader that the narrator is entering a space where the laws of nature are warped.
Narrative Structure & Pacing
The story follows a classic Gothic trajectory: a curiosity-driven protagonist, a transition from the mundane to the macabre, and a climactic revelation.
* The Penny Dreadful Hook: Using a cheap, sensationalist newspaper as the catalyst for the investigation is historically accurate and provides a strong "call to adventure."
* The Twist:
The transition from 966 Fenchurch to 666 Fenchurch is a bit of a classic horror trope, but it works here because it’s tied to the physical decay of the house (the dangling rivet).
* The Journal Entries: The shift in tone in Dorian’s journal—from calculated malice to frantic, broken sentences—effectively conveys his descent into madness or possession.
Historical Integration
The integration of Thomas Farynor and the Pudding Lane bakery adds a layer of "secret history" that makes the horror feel more grounded. By suggesting the Great Fire was not an accident, but a ritualistic act of violence directed by "voices," you elevate the stakes from a simple ghost story to a foundational tragedy of London.
Areas for Potential Refinement
* Word Choice (Purple Prose): Your vocabulary is impressive, but in a few places, the density of adjectives slows the pacing. For example, "No stretch of stern coercion could lay rest my morbid curiosities..." is a bit heavy. Simplifying one or two of these sentences could make the "punch" of the horror land harder.
* The Physicality of the Threat: The "he" mentioned in the journal (the one who broke Thomas) is terrifyingly vague. While ambiguity is good, a tiny hint of a shadow or a specific sound while the narrator is in the house might increase the immediate tension before he flees.
Summary of Impact
The ending—where the ink "worms" across the page in real-time—is a fantastic closing image. It suggests that the house and the spirit of Dorian are still active and seeking some form of absolution, leaving the reader with a lingering sense of unease...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
18
18
for entry "Wendigo" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
J. M. Kraynak

This short story, "Wendigo", is a chilling piece of Gothic horror that effectively blends the "gentleman explorer" trope with the visceral, psychological terror of indigenous folklore.
Below is a detailed review of the story’s narrative elements, atmosphere, and themes.
Narrative Voice and Characterization
The first-person perspective is the story’s strongest asset. The narrator is established as a classic 19th-century rationalist—stoic, slightly arrogant regarding his Oxford education, and detached from emotion.
* The Hook: The opening lines about his father and the "teapot" are brilliant. It immediately establishes that while the narrator claims to be a man of science and exploration, he is rooted in a dark, violent past.
* The Evolution: His transition from a skeptical traveler to a witness of the supernatural is well-paced. His "half-childish" reason for traveling to America grounds his character in a believable human curiosity.
Atmosphere and Setting

You excels at "environmental storytelling." The description of the New England wilderness doesn't just focus on the cold, but on a spiritual "draining."
* The Skeleton Forest: Describing the woods as a "skeleton" and the soil as "stagnant" creates a sense of wrongness that mirrors the Wendigo legend—which is traditionally associated with famine, depletion, and the winter of the soul.
* The Sensory Shift: The transition from the "luxurious" Oxford life to the "ramshackle" hovel reinforces the narrator’s loss of control. He is out of his element, and the prose reflects that growing unease.
The Horror of the Wendigo

The story takes a sophisticated approach to the Wendigo myth. Rather than portraying it as a physical "deer-man" (a common modern misconception), the author leans into the traditional Algonquian roots of the creature: Possession and Insatiable Hunger.
* The Effigies: The "amalgamation of woven sticks" (reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project or True Detective) serves as a great physical manifestation of the tribe's desperation.
* The Invisible Attack: The climax—where the woman is bitten by "scarlet teeth marks" appearing from thin air—is harrowing. It forces the narrator to accept that his rational world has no explanation for what he is seeing.
Thematic Depth

The recurring phrase, "Such is the consequence of life," acts as a dark bookend to the story. It suggests a fatalistic worldview:
* In the beginning, it refers to natural death (consumption/grief).
* In the end, it refers to the Wendigo.
By linking the two, the author suggests that the supernatural is just as much a "natural" part of the world’s cruelty as disease is.
Tips for Improvement / Observations
* Pacing of the Ending: The ending happens very quickly. While the suddenness of the woman’s suicide is shocking, a few more sentences describing the narrator's immediate internal reaction (the breaking of his rational mind) might have driven the horror home even further.
* Historical Flavor: The narrator’s disdain for "the animalistic lifestyle of Americans" is a great period-accurate touch, but his quick acceptance of the Shaman’s power feels a bit fast for such a cynical character. Expanding on his internal struggle to believe what he's seeing could add tension.
Final Verdict
"Wendigo" is a masterclass in atmospheric brevity. It captures the dread of the unknown and the fragility of human reason when faced with ancient, hungry things. It is a grim, polished, and evocative piece of short fiction...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of Terror...  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Telboy

This is a chilling and technically ambitious piece of short-form screenwriting. By utilizing a split-screen perspective, the narrative creates a mounting sense of dread through the juxtaposition of two lives that are destined to collide in tragedy.
Here is a detailed review of the story:
Overall Impression
The story is highly effective because of its clinical detachment. You don't rely on heightened dialogue or melodrama; instead, you focus on the "morning routines" of two strangers. The horror stems from how similar their movements are—checking the time, grooming, preparing their bags—while their intentions are worlds apart. One is preparing to end life, the other is simply starting a workday.
Strengths
* The Power of Mundanity: The descriptions of the man’s room (shoes "rowed," bedspread "cut," 40 watts of "dirty light") suggest a rigid, perhaps obsessive-compulsive or military-like discipline. This makes him feel more dangerous than a chaotic villain would.
* The Sensory Contrast: I loved the contrast in "vibe." The man’s world is silent, dark, and sparse. The woman’s world is full of life: the smell of croissants, the sound of Biggie Smalls and The Staples Singers, the "shimmer" of a Rolex. This makes her humanity feel vibrant, which increases the reader's empathy.
* The Reveal: The "twist" or the stakes are revealed perfectly at 7:27 am. Placing the "single adult ticket to the London Eye" next to "four sticks of dynamite" is a masterful bit of visual storytelling. It connects the two characters instantly without them ever having to meet on page.
* The Parallel Exit: The ending is haunting. Both characters check their belongings, ensure the room is "ok," and exit. The "camera" staying behind in the empty rooms emphasizes the finality of what is about to happen.
Areas for Improvement / Tips
* Clarifying the Timeline: Because you are using a split-screen POV, the timestamps are vital. At one point, the woman’s kitchen scene says 6:37 am, but the man’s bedroom scene just before it says 7:27 am. If these are happening simultaneously on screen, the times should ideally align or be clearly staggered to show the sequence of events.
* The "Fade to Black" Frequency: In a screenplay, a "Fade to Black" usually signifies a major passage of time or the end of an act. Using it after every few lines can feel a bit "staccato" for a reader. Since you intend for this to be a split-screen, you might consider using intercutting or simply labeling the columns LEFT SCREEN / RIGHT SCREEN to help the reader visualize the simultaneous action.
* The "HP Begins to Invent" Line: This feels a bit like "marketing speak" (referencing the old Hewlett-Packard slogan). It breaks the immersion slightly. You might describe the glow of the screen on her face or the specific sound of the laptop booting up instead.
Technical Execution
The use of the London Eye Identification Card in her bag was the perfect "gut punch." It confirms she isn't just a tourist, but likely an employee, making the man's "single ticket" the predatory link between them.
Final Verdict
A haunting, "show-don't-tell" character study. It captures the terrifying reality that a monster and a victim can wake up, brush their teeth, and check their watches at the exact same time...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
20
20
Review of Play God  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This is my take on the second story in your portfolio and I enjoyed reviewing : "Play God".
This is a thought-provoking piece of "Big Idea" science fiction that tackles the grand themes of creation, morality, and the cyclical nature of existence. Below is a detailed review and final analysis of the work.
Overall Impression
"Play God" is a compelling narrative that effectively utilizes the "Universe in a Jar" trope to explore the ethics of scientific detachment. The story transitions smoothly from a mundane, disgruntled workplace opening into a high-stakes cosmic dilemma. The author successfully makes the reader feel the vastness of the experiment while keeping the emotional core grounded in the protagonist’s rebellion against a cold, bureaucratic system.
Plot and Pacing
The pacing is deliberate, mimicking the observational nature of the protagonist’s job.
* The Hook: Starting with the "hateful Monday" and the dismissal provides immediate stakes. We want to know why this dedicated scientist was fired.
* The Reveal: The description of the "containers" as pocket universes is handled with excellent "show, don’t tell" technique. The transition from "cleaning teeth" to "subterranean laboratories" highlighting the scale of the C.E.G.’s work is a highlight.
* The Climax: The decision to "lose" the container rather than destroy it provides a satisfying moral resolution. It transforms the protagonist from a mere observer into a guardian.
Themes and Philosophy
The story shines in its philosophical inquiry:
* The Ethics of Observation: The C.E.G. treats life as a data point. The conflict between the supervisor (who fears the unknown) and the narrator (who respects the spark of life) reflects the eternal struggle between institutional safety and individual morality.
* The Time Constant: This is a brilliant sci-fi detail. By establishing that the experiment’s time moves faster, the author justifies how a human could witness the birth of a civilization, adding a sense of urgency to the narrator's choice.
* The Recursive Universe: The final paragraph elevates the story from a simple sci-fi tale to a meta-commentary on our own existence. It leaves the reader with the "Pale Blue Dot" feeling—that we might just be an experiment someone else was kind enough to leave running.
Strengths
* Voice: The narrator feels authentic. Their mix of bitterness over losing their job and pride in their "god-like" act makes them a relatable, flawed hero.
* Technical Details: Terms like "non-periodical signals" and "injection and observation holes" provide enough "hard sci-fi" flavor to make the premise feel grounded in a fictional reality.
Areas for Improvement
* The Supervisor’s Fear: The supervisor’s fear that the creatures could "infiltrate through the hole" feels slightly rushed. A few more sentences explaining the physics of why a higher time-constant creature is dangerous would heighten the tension.
* The Signal: The "funny drawing" of the creatures is a charming detail, but providing a bit more detail on what the signal said or felt like could have deepened the narrator's emotional connection to them.
Final Thoughts
"Play God" is a hauntingly beautiful story that reminds us of the power of empathy. By framing the creation of a universe as a "boring" laboratory job, you highlight the danger of losing our humanity in the pursuit of pure data. The protagonist’s "failure" according to the C.E.G. is his greatest success as a sentient being. It is a classic sci-fi premise executed with a heart that resonates long after the final line.
.sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review of A Love Story  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This story, "A Love Story", is a poignant exploration of obsession, lost love, and the mystical connection between two souls. It blends realism with a touch of the supernatural, using the moon as a central metaphor for a love that is both illuminating and destructive.

Here is a detailed review of the piece:
Plot Overview

The story follows an unnamed protagonist through two distinct timelines: his brief, magical encounter with a mysterious girl on an island at age 18, and his later life, where he is haunted by her memory. The narrative comes full circle during a fatal car accident, where his lifelong obsession with the "moon girl" leads to his death—or, as the ending suggests, his ultimate reunion with her in another realm.
Thematic Analysis
1. The Moon as a Symbol
The moon serves as the primary motif. It represents:
* Beauty and Illumination: The backdrop for his happiest memories.
* Madness: The girl is described as "moonstruck," and the protagonist eventually loses control of his car because he is "gazing at the moon."
* The Ethereal: It acts as a bridge between the physical world and the spiritual one, eventually "calling" both characters away from their earthly lives.
2. The Price of Eternal Love
The girl’s cryptic warning—“You have to offer everything you have to be with me again”—is the story's emotional anchor. The protagonist unknowingly fulfills this prophecy. He loses his marriages, his career, and eventually his life. The story suggests that some loves are so profound they cannot exist within the mundane boundaries of a normal life; they require a total sacrifice.
Strengths
* Atmospheric Imagery: The descriptions of the quiet bay, the sun-tanned girl, and the "burning car" under the "bright moon" create a vivid, cinematic contrast between life and death.
* Structural Symmetry: Starting and ending the story at the scene of the accident provides a strong narrative frame. It grounds the "dreamy" flashbacks in a harsh, physical reality.
* Emotional Resonance: The feeling of "searching for one person in everyone else" is a universal theme that makes the protagonist’s mid-life crisis and eventual desperation very relatable.
Areas for Improvement
* Pacing and Transitions: The middle section, which covers thirty years of his life (the marriages, divorces, and career loss), moves very quickly. Fleshing out one specific moment of his "unhappiness" in his marriage might make his eventual return to the island feel even more earned.
* The "Moonstruck" Explanation: The transition of the girl from a local islander to a "daughter of the moon" who escapes a hospital is a sharp turn into the supernatural. While intriguing, a bit more subtle foreshadowing during their initial meeting could make this reveal feel less abrupt.
* Grammar Tense Consistency: There are minor shifts between past and present tense (e.g., "They hardly ever speak... it appeared to him only years later"). Consistent use of the past tense would improve the flow.
Final Impression
"A Love Story" is a haunting, bittersweet tale. It captures the tragedy of a man who lived his entire life looking backward, only to find peace at the moment of his death. It sits comfortably in the "Spiritual Mystery" genre, leaving the reader to wonder if the girl was a ghost, an alien, or simply a symbol of a man’s descent into a beautiful kind of madness..sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Alpine Lighthouse  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Amethyst Snow Angel

As per your request I take the honor happily to evaluate "Alpine Lighthouse". This is a nostalgic holiday piece centered on themes of divorce, homecoming, and the rekindling of childhood connections.
Critical Review:

"Alpine Lighthouse" is a gentle, atmospheric "prodigal son" narrative that leans heavily into the comfort of Christmas tropes. The story excels at creating a sensory-rich environment—the contrast between the "dusty smog" of Berlin and the "cinnamon and apple spice" of the alpine village is palpable. While the plot follows a predictable trajectory, the emotional core—the vulnerability of a man returning home "disillusioned and alone"—is relatable and handled with sincerity.
Character Analysis

* Pierre: His internal monologue effectively captures the bitterness of a failed marriage and the disorientation of a mid-life identity crisis. However, he occasionally borders on being overly passive. His "stuck-in-the-past" mentality is reinforced by his parents' treatment of him, which keeps him in a childlike state throughout the story.
* Genevieve: She functions more as a "North Star" or a symbol of purity than a fully realized character with her own conflicts. Her life has apparently stood still, waiting for Pierre’s return, which makes her feel somewhat idealized. Giving her a moment of her own struggle or a more distinct reason for being single (other than waiting for a childhood friend) would add depth to her character.
Strengths
* Atmospheric Detail: You have a keen eye for setting, descriptions like "sunlight... outlining every detail as clearly as if clipped from cardboard" and the "Delft fireplace" create a vivid, European village aesthetic that feels authentic to the genre.
* The Symbolism of the Cave: Using the childhood cave as a bridge between the past and the present is a strong narrative device. It physically represents the "frozen" nature of Pierre’s connection to his home.
* Pacing: The transition from the claustrophobic train ride to the expansive mountain air mirrors Pierre’s internal opening-up, which is structurally satisfying.
Opportunities for Improvement

* Subtlety in Dialogue: Some of the dialogue, particularly from the parents, feels a bit on-the-nose. The mother suggesting he "marry a decent local girl" immediately upon his arrival feels like a heavy-handed way to telegraph the ending.

Subtler cues—perhaps a lingering look at an empty chair or a mention of a "newly vacant cottage"—might feel more natural.

* The "Teddy Bear" Moment: While sentimental, Pierre (a 32-year-old man) being encouraged to "give him a hug" by his childhood friend feels slightly jarring in a realistic contemporary setting. To make this more grounded, Pierre could focus on the craftsmanship or the memory of the object rather than the literal act of cuddling the toy, which risks making him seem infantilized rather than just nostalgic.
* Conflict Resolution: The "divorce" and "ex-wife" are mentioned as major hurdles, but the resolution comes very easily. Adding a moment where Pierre has to truly confront his own mistakes—rather than just blaming his wife for being "more looks than character"—would make his growth feel more earned.


"Alpine Lighthouse" is a well-written, cozy read that perfectly captures the "Hallmark" spirit of the holidays. It is a story about finding safety when the world feels "jagged and barren." With a bit more complexity in the dialogue and character agency, it could move from a sweet holiday tale to a profound study of homecoming...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
23
23
Review of The Chase  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Simple Dykie

This is a heartwarming and reflective personal essay that uses a simple narrative about a pet to deliver a profound life lesson. Below is a detailed review of "The Chase".
Overall Impression
"The Chase" is a beautifully paced piece that transitions seamlessly from a relatable story about pet loss and adoption into a philosophical reflection on the human condition. The author successfully captures the "voice" of a pet lover, making the reader feel the joy and chaos of bringing a 60-pound "Chaser" into a home. The metaphor of the "chase" is the highlight—it is accessible, poignant, and ends on an empowering note.
Key Strengths
1. Vivid Imagery and Characterization
The author does an excellent job of describing Chase. Phrases like "a cross between a golden retriever and an English wolf-hound" and "a blur of light brown fur" create a clear mental image of the dog’s energy. The scene with the raccoon in the massive oak tree provides a specific, grounded moment that anchors the story’s transition into deeper thought.
2. Relatability
The opening paragraph touches on a universal experience: the grief of losing a long-term pet and the "vow" never to get another, only for fate to intervene. This immediately builds a bond of empathy between the narrator and the reader.
3. The "Aha!" Moment
The transition from watching the dog chase a raccoon to reflecting on "chasing" scholarships and promotions is handled with great clarity. The author avoids being overly "preachy" by framing the realization as a personal epiphany:
> "Once I’d finally reached my goal... I was faced not with satisfaction at my accomplishment, but a feeling of emptiness."
>
Thematic Analysis
The central theme is Process vs. Outcome. * The Dog's Perspective: Chase values the run, the wind, and the movement. Failure (not catching the bird) doesn't dampen his spirit.
* The Human Perspective: Humans often focus solely on the "catch" (the promotion, the house), forgetting to enjoy the "run."
* The Resolution: The narrator decides to adopt the dog’s "awe and wonder," shifting their focus from future anxiety to present gratitude.
Tips for Improvement
* Pacing in the Introduction: The description of the drive and the "suburban neighborhood" is a bit detailed. While it sets the scene, some of those sentences could be tightened to get to Chase’s introduction faster.
* Show, Don't Tell: In the conclusion, the author tells us they are "finally happy." While effective, it might be even stronger to end with a small "action" showing this happiness—perhaps a final image of the narrator walking with Chase, no longer checking their watch or thinking of work.
* Word Choice: The term "soul searching" is a bit of a cliché. Replacing it with more specific feelings (e.g., "After nights of staring at our old dog's empty corner...") could add more emotional weight.

This is a high-quality piece of personal creative non-fiction. It takes a mundane activity—walking the dog—and elevates it into a lesson on mindfulness. It is a perfect fit for the "Emotional" and "Personal" categories it is tagged with...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
magicninja

This chapter of Silent Innocence does an excellent job of transitioning from the shock of the protagonist's vision to the active "investigation" phase. It balances supernatural tension with grounded, small-town world-building.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter:
Overall Impression
The chapter is well-paced and serves two vital purposes: it establishes the Sheriff’s backstory, making him a more reliable and sympathetic ally, and it deepens the lore of the protagonist’s gift. The transition from the high-stakes conversation about a potential murder to the nostalgic, slightly dusty atmosphere of his mother’s attic provides a nice "breather" for the reader while still moving the plot forward.
Strengths
* Character Depth (Jaime the Sheriff): Giving the Sheriff a tragic backstory (the botched hostage situation and the loss of his marriage) is a great touch. It explains why he’s in a small town like Raton and why he might be more inclined to believe in "gut feelings" or the "greater good" than a standard by-the-books cop.
* Atmospheric Detail: Your descriptions of Raton (the "RATON" sign on Goat Hill, the white houses with wrought iron fences, and the scent of vanilla in the mother’s house) create a very vivid sense of place. It feels like a real town with its own rhythm.
* The Hook: Ending the chapter with the discovery of the journal—and specifically the line “El regalo de la previsión debe ser perfeccionado”—is a classic, effective cliffhanger. It promises that the protagonist is going to stop being a passive victim of his dreams and start learning how to use them.
Areas for Improvement / Tips
* Dialogue Punctuation: In several places, there are missing commas in dialogue tags.
* Example: “Alright, first thing you got to do is calm down. Now, tell me what you saw.”
* Tip: Remember to use a comma before a name in direct address. “He’s bad**,** Jaime**,** and I can feel it.”
* Show, Don't Tell (Backstory): The middle section regarding the Sheriff’s history in Santa Fe is quite heavy on "telling." It reads a bit like a biography.
* Suggestion: You could weave some of this information into the conversation between the protagonist and Jaime. Perhaps Jaime mentions "the last time I followed a hunch without evidence, I lost my badge in Santa Fe." It makes the information feel more organic to the current scene.
* Tone Shift: The mention of "Joe Pesci" when he trips on the stairs is funny, but it slightly breaks the tension of the supernatural thriller vibe. If the character is a jokester, it works; if you want to keep the mood dark, you might want to lean more into the pain and the urgency of his mission.
Plot Observations
The introduction of Derrick Collins on the road feels like a "Plant." As a reader, I’m now wondering if he’s a red herring or if he’s going to be the victim or the perpetrator. It’s a good way to keep the reader guessing.

This is a strong "bridge" chapter. It grounds the supernatural elements in family history and local geography, making the stakes feel personal...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Josh T. Alto

This is a poignant and structurally clever short story that plays with the concept of meta-fiction—where the story within the book mirrors the reality of the character reading it. Below is a detailed review of "A Happy Ending Story."
Overall Impression
The story is a gentle, melancholic, yet ultimately hopeful exploration of how people can impact one another’s lives through a single encounter. The "loop" created at the end—where the text Susan reads is identical to the prose we are reading—is a classic literary device that is executed here with a touching emotional payoff. It transforms a standard romance into something more "magical realist" in nature.
Key Strengths
1. Structural Symmetry
The strongest element of this piece is the circular narrative. By quoting the story's own opening lines in the final pages of Peter’s book, the author blurs the line between fiction and reality. This creates a sense of destiny; Susan isn't just reading a story, she is fulfilling the "happy ending" Peter wrote for her twenty years prior.
2. Character Motivation
Susan’s drive to succeed is realistically rooted in a mix of spite, insecurity, and a desire to be "seen." Her transformation from a "broken girl" to a successful professional feels earned, even if the catalyst (a one-night stand) seems small. It captures that specific human tendency to fixate on a moment of rejection as a fuel for self-improvement.
3. Tone and Atmosphere
The author successfully maintains a "wistful" tone. The imagery of the fireplace, the "yellowish lights," and the "morning sunshine filtering through the corridor" creates a cinematic quality that contrasts the cold, hard work of Susan’s intervening twenty years with the warmth of the book’s conclusion.
Areas for Improvement
1. Pacing of the "Middle Years"
The story covers twenty years in just a few paragraphs. While necessary for a short story, the transition from her being a drug-using student to a high-powered estate agent feels a bit rushed.
* Tip: A few more "sensory" details about her struggle during those years (perhaps a specific moment where she almost gave up but remembered Peter’s smile) would make her success feel even more impactful.
2. Show, Don't Tell
There are moments where the author "tells" the reader the emotions rather than "showing" them. For example: "The total absurdity of her silly wish makes her laugh even now."
* Tip: Instead of saying it was absurd, describe the specific way she felt when she asked—the desperation or the half-joking tone—to let the reader feel that absurdity themselves.
3. The "Insignificant Girl" Trope
Susan describes herself as "just another insignificant broken girl." While this fits her low self-esteem at the time, the narrative could benefit from showing a glimmer of why Peter found her interesting enough to write an entire book about her two decades later.
Thematic Analysis
The story beautifully addresses the subjectivity of "Happy Endings." For Peter, a happy ending wasn't just a plot point in a book; it was an invitation to return to her life. The story suggests that while we can change our own lives through hard work (as Susan did), sometimes the "ending" requires a connection with someone else to feel complete.
Final Rating Recommendation
4.5 / 5 Stars
It is a "quiet" story that relies on emotional resonance rather than high-stakes action. It is very successful in its goal: making the reader feel the same "dream-like" state Susan experiences in the final paragraph...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
1,263 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 51 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sindbad