This is a very interesting piece that I can't decide if it's so cleaver it's annoying or brilliant? LOL Here are my thoughts.
What I love:
The writing is solid and flows like a dream. I like how you put Mel on the spot and point out his flaws in a commical and uncomfortable way. Brilliant!
The press agent whispering in his ear . . . fantastic!
What I didn't like as much:
But I just wresle with the girl? What is the little girl there for? Vomits? Pee's? Mopping it up and ringing it out? That's were I get lost.
Talk to me . . . I'd love to hear your thoughts. I am so glad I found your piece today. I'm going be thinking about this for a long time. I like things that make me think. Good job!
Outstanding story! LOL I chuckled to myself as I too recalled being that five year old that was just beginning to take in the world around me. You're spot on in your descriptions of that five year old taking notice of things that are totally different than what an adult would focus on. The flow of your story is really good. It has the breezy quality of childhood that is hard to capture on paper. Good stuff!
I only have one suggestions that I think would make your good work even better.
I'd like more description of her room, what the child looks like at five and her take with detail on what the aunt and uncle's communal house looks like. Texture . . . color . . . smells. Where books new? Old? Dusty? Clean new volumes with binding so tight they would barely open? All the areas of this house would all be so different through the filter of a child’s eyes.
You have a good humorous way of writing that I think can only get better with details. Don't feel like you have to take my suggestions if you don't agree. They are just my thoughts. Good stuff Kenzi. :o)
Sarah
I just read your submission and I think it has possibilities for being a great story everyone can identify with but there are a few things you need to work on. The lack of structure and grammar masks the bones of the story making it almost unreadable. But those things are easily fixed. Just take out all the extra spaces and capitalize all your ‘I’ and it‘ll make such a difference just by itself. Poor grammar detracts from the story and picture you want to paint. That brings me to another point--you might want to Google is the old standard--‘show don't tell‘. All authors need to be aware of this--including me. :o) Here is an example:
"Tuesday's bus ride promised to be like all the others until I saw a short, thin beautiful blonde haired girl standing off to the side of my bus stop. Her beauty caused a lump, the size of a goose egg in my throat and my heart to stop in mid beat as her clear blue eyes met mine. This Tuesday isn’t going to be the same after all."
Can you see the difference between your description and the ‘show don’t tell’ version? Play around with descriptions and show us all the character is seeing, feeling and doing so this story is like a movie playing in our heads.
I think this story can really go places with just a tad bit of a re-write. It is the mark of a good writer to always strive to do it the best we can and doing re-writes are essential to a good story. You have talent but you just need some polish. :o)
Yes! This is a very interesting poem that on the surface seems simple. Read it a second time and wow--the meaning to your words go deeper. There is so much to love about this work. Here is an example:
Feeling of being tainted
Makes me feel like I can't take it
Even though I try
But I still lie
He just loves it when you feed his fire
And I know he has only one desire
Great! :o) But the next stanza is good and I like where it's going but I think it would read better if you changed something here. Now I have to say that I like the thoughts behind this part-good stuff and flow. But these two lines just doesn't work as well as your other word choices. Play with some new words and see if they express your thoughts better.
It is our soul
Dont let sin take its toll
Read it again and see if it hits you the same way. Remember that my opinions are only that and don't feel like you have to use them. I just think that your other word choices work better and that there might be a different way to express this part. The rest is really strong and well--good! :o)
But don't let your guard down
Because if you do
He will come to you
Then when your time is up
LOVE the last two lines! Great ending that gives your readers a visual and has punch. Over all this is a great poem and I think could be better but that's for you to decide. :o)
Good job!
SleuthSarah709You will hear that old evil sound
Thats when know your hell bound
Wonderful!!! Breakfast of Losers--navel gazing--"Without a clear idea of which nefarious plot might result in the highest likelihood of lunch, JP slipped on his cleanest T-shirt and his running shoes, slung his coat over his shoulder and set out to see what opportunities the day had on offer." Delightful!!!! Oh my, I laughed so hard I scattered my cats with your choice of words and the picture you painted! I was sucked in after the lunch quest! Sooo funny . . . did you go to my university? LOL
Bloody and after many broken implements--it wasn't locked? Giggle snort!!! Doing the math? LOLOLOL Can you hear the cats scattering again? So funny!!
Okay I could go on FOREVER but my sides hurt to much and my cats no longer think I'm sane. ;o) You must be a published author or you've missed your calling. I so love that movie and I do so hope that there are really guardian angles around us keeping us from our own follies! This is one of the best stories I've read in ages and I'm sending you Gift Points for the joy you gave me and dear God--promise you'll write more! LOL I'm certainly going to see if you have any other stories posted on here. :oD
Thank you again and get this damn thing published!!!!
Sarah709/SluethSarah709PS. I forgot to metion that I have nothing I think you should change...not one word!
This was fun . . . I think you knew my sister when you wrote this! LOL I can see the illustrations . . . A sick little girl with a solicitous older sister in pigtails caring for the sick sister . . .wait . . . That is my older sister and she would have done this if only she’d thought of it! LOL
Delightful poem . . . thanks for sharing. It made my night!
Wow I feel like I stepped into an LSD trip! This is a very interesting piece with good character's and really wild surroundings. Here are my thoughts and suggestions--take them if you like them but don't feel like you have to.
Really good stuff:
>>>What was he doing out here? Although a better question was what he doing here at all? Gangren life was a blur of violence and random acts of stupidity. How had he wound up here? Where had he been before? His life felt truncated, cut off at age eleven since everything before that was a dark void. The doctors had called it the worst case of amnesia they had ever seen. His history had just been totally wiped out. <<<
>>>A giant tombstone with steel doors <<< great description!
Not as good stuff:
The opening few lines are good but I think the desolation needs to cut back. It's a great way to open the story but it means more the second time I read the story.
Characters:
Max is great but I want to know what he looks like. Does he have dark wavy hair that blows in the same wind as the bag does?
His girl I LOVED this description >>>She was wearing a flowing dress and all of her -- every inch -- glowed like moonlight.<<< but I want to see her too. Does she have firey red hair or sleek long blonde hair?
>>>Ronald Spazinski, aka "Spaz," <<< You did a great job fleshing him out -- I can see him as clearly as if he were in a movie--good job and great character.
Over all I think this is a good story opening that could use a little tweaking to make it even better. You've done a good job in telling your story and I'm eager to see a re-write. Good job!
This is a very powerful piece! It speaks to all of us that have been loved by someone that can only see what they want to change without regard to who we really are. I think one of the strengths of this work is that you talk about how she didn't like the good in this man either. I really think that gave it more depth as well as substance. It's sometime as hard enough for us to recognize 'our' good parts as it is for those that love us to recognize them too.
I liked the ending but I would like to suggest a bit of change but don't feel like you have to take it. I think he should mention that now he sees her differently though the new personal insight life has given him. I think she should evaluate her. I wonder if he’d care what her opinions are or if he’d ever be with her now? What do you think?
This really good, strong writing with great flow that keeps me thinking about how we evolve and yet look backwards at the same time. Glad to have read it!
I love this thought provoking poll. At a glance it seems simple but then I got to thinking about all the elements of horror that propel me into a state of a great 'ah ha' moment. For me it's so many of those elements combined into one spine tingling tale that I'll want to read over and over. Good poll! Thanks . . . SleuthSarah709
LOL Bravo! I didn't see that ending coming . . . it was perfect! LOL I like this poem because from your sensational choices of words . . . I see a gorgeous young professional woman that is a success at everything she does and bam! No . . . it's a girl scout! Delightful . . . I wouldn't change a thing! :o)
This is a fun read and I really like it for the most part too. I’ve read it three times now and I think you're right--something’s missing. I think I have some ideas on how to jazz it up but it's only my opinions or suggestions for you to think about. You certainly don't have to take them. :o)
I think the problem area is in the first few opening lines. I think the nameless woman needs to do some self reflection about why she's laying awake. What is she thinking about? Is she worried, mad or puzzled? Has the husband done something in his past that would make her lay awake and worry? Does this happen all the time? If not...why isn't she calling her husband, the hospital or friends to see where he is? Did she wake in the night to find he'd not returned from his second shift job? Also I think she needs to add some emotions to her thinking...who is she? I really like this gal but I need more of her and her situation before I can care a lot about her. :o)
Now the good stuff. :o) I like the subtle humor all through the piece and I think it would work well for her to muse in that same voice. I love the deer in the headlights! I also love the natural flow of this piece. I really think that you need to add more dimension to the woman. You eluded to the husbands normal demeanor . . . It wouldn’t hurt to add more about that. You know, like a comparison of the present vs his normal demeanor.
Good stuff! I hope my suggestions help and keep me posted on any rewrites you do--this is a good story that can only get better! :o)
I just read your piece for the third time and must say there are things I like but there I think is something missing. Let me explain and see if you agree.
I like the thought behind the piece and the excitement in your descriptions and action . . . but . . . I think this could be better if it had a touch of set up for what your describing. I think as the reader, I need a tad bit of perspective on why or where this is happening. Is it a contest or just some neighborhood boys? I love the detail about the bikes . . .great touch. I really like how you ended the story! I think that was the best part for me. :o)
I think this piece is a good story but I think it can be better with a re-write but don't change a thing about the ending! :o)
This is a very sad poem but it's a good poem. Man, for the forth time in the last few days I'm going to have to say that maybe I do like poetry after all . . . when it's this good. It is dark and yet it's fitting for this price. I think it's an important poem because this is part of the human experience that is hard to express without platitudes and clichés. We’ve all read the drippy, sap filled ramblings of youth as they try to clumsily try to express these same sentiments badly--say wait--that was me! LOL
No I really think you handled this piece rather nicely and should be held up as a shinning example of how to express sadness and painful self realization. Outstanding job . . . this really is a hard emotion to express and you did it so well. Wow . . .
This is well thought out piece that I think has a lot of merit but could use a bit of clarification especially in it’s structure. One example would be “but how many of them are actually sitting and doing it every single day” I think it would clearer if you stated it like this--“but I wonder how many of those same people that claim they have a have a novel are actually working on their book or not?” I hope this helps and encourages! I think you have many great thoughts behind the piece and I saw myself in this piece. :o)
SleuthSarah709
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sleuthsarah709
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:43am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
