First and foremost, you'll have to let me know how you fare in the contest. It is both courageous and humbling to leave the final say in the hands of others. But alas, I am not here to rant and rave on my opinions, I am here for your review.
TIC (Things I'd Change):
-The main characters are so interesting and yet don't get much depth. Now before you throw dishes in my direction for seeming to state the obvious, please allow me to finish. I understand completely the challenge: Less than 300 words. That being said, eliminating some of the other secondary characters would have allowed Young and Crippen to reach out and grab us (your readers). I would take out: 1. Their starpower quality vs. that of baseball players. You can make this point just in your descriptions of them or their admittance to their "unsung hero" status. 2. The importance of staying "cool" in a high stress environment. Instead allow us to view the history of their relationship or why they do what they do. In either case, letting your reader as much time with the main characters as possible would go a long way to further your "gripability" ("Gripability" = the ability to grip the reader and only put them down when you see fit).
TAC (Things Absolutely Cool):
-"...from those in positions of high responsibility and low physical risk." Well done sir! I haven't heard it put better in sometime. It gives me an appreciation for the main characters. I want to root for them.
-You took the word Fearless and gave it a, "So true!" application. stands and applauds. It is easy to toss around common examples of words, but takes a little more skill and creativity to dig up something uncommon.
Keep your head high author, for you know that writing is not for the faint of heart.
-GF
Okay slayer of vampyres...here's the thing. I have trouble with writers who toss the towel in on a piece, before giving it the time and effort it deserves.
So...before I tackle this piece like I attack all the others, I want you to show me the power I know you have with lines like, "Pain delivers us from our miserable lives. Our lives seem to end, as our aching hearts begin to fail." WOW!! Now why can't you hit me like that with the whole piece?! Trick question because you can.
All you have to do is sit down as many times as it takes, hit the paper with the kind of tragic intensity of the lines I mentioned above, and let sadness and death soar!
So, I mark this a 2.0 for effort but will visit your portfolio in 1 weeks time, ready to give you a much higher rating.
Go with grace friend and have a great day.
-GF
P.S.
"Let not the sins of my dark heart, ever interfere with the light from my pen."
-GF March 29th, 2007 written for slayer of vampyres
AOE (Areas of Excellence):
-100% readable. This piece is just a delight to read and one that makes you want to email to friends.
-Concept. You beautifully wrote the connection the two share, along with the passage of time.
-Ending. sniff Puts a lump in your throat (for those of us who have trouble crying). A moving ending like I have not seen in some time.
AOI (Areas of Improvement):
-Stop writting so well. I have for sometime now (even though my fam and friends disagree), desired to set certain goals in my life, that would not allow me to marry...but your poem...makes me want to live the rest of my life with someone by my side.
Again...great piece of poetry.
-GF
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sprumama
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 9:37am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
