Awesome!!!
Reading your article makes me say, 'You go, girl!' It's great that you wrote this article, there's nothing like AWARENESS! I can't believe that people are sooooo rude, but then again, I guess I can...
Good for you that you came to terms with yourself, maybe from reading this I'll come to terms with being short - viva la shrimpies!
Great job!!! I really loved your premise. Fallen angels- o0o0ohhh, (shiver). Your writing of this poem was extremely clear and clean.
I really liked these lines! the words as well as the composition. It was great how you put nothing on its own line, powerful!!! I remember a moment of searing pain,
then the wind rushing by...
and then nothing.
Although your word choice was concise it didn't evoke enough emotions for me to really feel the poem. Try to use stronger words, symbols or metaphores to strengthen your picture!
I like your choice of everyday speech, it works really well for finding yourself and being happy with that without needing all the New Years resolutions to 'improve' yourself!
I like the storytelling you pack into this poem! And that it feels like a discussion with a friend, you did this really well!
The rhyme scheme you picked kept things interesting, kept me on my toes! I can’t ignore the clutter that I’ve placed before my eyes one question though, your rhyme scheme seems to be aaba, ccdc except in this second stanza, it's ccdd, is that on purpose?)
About the rhythm, are you counting syllables? , because even though the rhythm does a very special thing, it would be even more improved if it was a bit more regulated. And I'm a great hand at regulation, a little something I learnt of WDC that I would love to pass on to you.)
Altogether, you have something goin' on, so keep on keeping!
Boy am I thrilled to be the first to rate your work!!!
It is really super! There are so many lines that just jump out of this, making it really special.
It’s hazy on the beach
Rachel’s asleep, an S beneath the green fleece
your assonance of e's and alliteration of s's is hypnotic, you feel the sleep and the water rushing in and out, wow!
Diving rainbows strung on invisible hope incredibly picturesque, packed line, replete with metaphores and all.{/s}
Really, you know what you're doing, and you do it well so I guess I can stop with the singeling out, (it's like, all my children are special!
but I just couldn't resist this one, The layers of waves like lace to tangle your footing wow!!!
Oh, great one, welcome to writing.com, we're so glad you joined!!! No, we really mean it!
I really want to give this a five, I think it so great! It is a riviting read and you have a unique voice with great word choices and you really paint the town!
Still, there are grammatical things like commas, which would really enhance and clarify the meaning of your sentances and the end was rushed a bit in telling the story and things got a bit unclear.
If you would like a more in depth review, email me and I will illustrate (aka, help you) a bit more.
Write on, you have a great way of doing it!
7up!
This was just one sentance that I had to read a few times until I figured out what you meant,
It wouldn’t be the carat worth of diamond earrings that never leave my ears even though they’re gorgeous.
'they never leave my ears even thought they are gorgeous?' huh? why should they leave your ears if they are so gorgeous!!!
I don't know if this is a split infinitive or a past participle, but it certainly a scattered sentance!
How about:
"It wouldn't be the carat worth of diamond earrings, even though they are so gorgeous that they never leave my ears!"
This has a nice feel to it! I liked your descriptions, they really set the tone.
“Clank, sizzle, clank, clank sizzle.” great use of Onomatopoeia!
Liked this but I think you may need a hyphen. orange-red
Here, for some reason, you switched tenses. You go from the past to the present with no apparent reason, but that is easily fixed.
On his walk back to his cabana, juggling the treasures in his arms, the bottle (falls) 'fell' to the earth. As he pick(s)'ed' it up he is hit with a wave of dread that would match the ocean’s fury.
This time he can’t seem to shake the uneasy feeling. Back in the cabana he pulls a chair from the desk and starts to investigate the paper. Looking for any clue, anything that might give a direction to start.
Sure sound's mighty hallucinogenic; don't tell me the microwave was part of the plan to warm yourself up. You know what happened when they tried this on a poodle...
This poem is full of electricity, it zings, it makes you feel!
Great! I can see him! 'blond herring
weather man,
who can't quite pronounce'
his r's,
And the juxtapositions are really good, the nukes next to the children, our future generations that don't get what’s going on...
I really liked the irony at the end. I liked the way you crafted Franks letter to Cindy, you really get a feel of what type of person Frank is. Cindy is more of an enigma. She seems a little more educated, but it's hard to tell.
Cindy's greeting sounds a little stiff, maybe you want to drop the 'hello'
spelling fix 'mioss'
'Now, here you are' He isn't with her so it would make more sense 'Now, there you are..'
But I liked this, it had a good feel, can't wait to read the rest!
Your poem has been open on my screen for days. I thought it was magnificent on my first quick perusal. I wanted to give it more time in my read and review. Since then you have won first place. That really says it all...
There were so many things I loved about this poem. I loved the idea you developed in these two stanzas. Through the description of a simple everyday scene you poignantly paint your relationship with your father and his relationship to the world. Then in so few words you relate your loss and the affect it has had on your world. And you do this through squirrels?!? And then your word choice. You read poems that the idea is good but the language isn't supportive or vice versa. But this...
'colored pencil labyrinths
to balance the world.'
'spine perfectly aligned' nice internal rhyme
'their furry fingers
making mudras with crumbs' awesome
This is silly. I want to copy all the lines...I'll close with these,
'I give them a poor communion,
tiny cairns of crackers and sourdough,
a final benediction.'
I love this idea, when I read this it made me say, hmmm, and then again, hmmmm, and then wow! So all in all that's great. It made me think and it inspired.
I really liked your first paragraph. Your choice of words 'drum roll,' staccato,' 'beat,' 'slap,' 'fist' make you feel the rhythm of the little drummer boy.
Question, why did you choose to rhyme the last two paragraphs and not the first? Is it an indication of the fact that out of chaos comes meaning?
It seems your main problem here is your syllable count. It would seem to me that your syllable count is 5 syllables per line as in paragraph as in paragraph 3 (except the third line which is 4 syllables. The easiest way to see this is clap out the beats of each line.
Take the first paragraph your syllable count is, 4,6,5,5. To get it even you would have to do something like this:
He's 'one' of the best
He's not been beaten (never is two syllables and so is beaten making your beat uneven.)or no one has beat him...
No one can stop him
Even when cheating
That was awesome! I really liked the use of quotes and the change back at the end. It really offsets the poems last three lines.
Since you seem to be some sort of expert on free verse poetry, may I ask you to take a look at
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or "Most Tightly" . These two are free verse poetry that I wrote WITHOUT punctuation. I felt that the line breaks were enough and I felt the punctuation to be excess.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and provide this information. I have three children's books in the pipeline, one finished and proofread by a few good (though underemployed) editors, just waiting on the proper information to submit to a publishing house, one written but not cleaned up and one in the writing process right now.
So, in between reading and reviewing on WDC, I'm trying to find out all I can about publishing. Having your input is a real shot in the arm!!!
Wow this is really powerful. Your matter of fact tone and simple words paint a picture of contrast all the more horrific.
'Once a man, now a shell,
I have no voice, or tales to tell.' Awesome lines!
One suggestion, though, in the lines:
I could say yes, for one last time,
But then my body wont be mine.
Either I 'can' say yes for the last time...or
'Then my body would not be mine' (drop the but) Either one of these seems more correct to me (something about could being past tense and wont, future tense...
Thanks for sharing,
7up
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and good for you on the win the other day!!!
Although your word choice was concise it didn't evoke enough emotions for me to really feel the poem. Try to use stronger words, symbols or metaphores to strengthen your picture!
, because even though the rhythm does a very special thing, it would be even more improved if it was a bit more regulated. And I'm a great hand at regulation, a little something I learnt of WDC that I would love to pass on to you.
there are grammatical things like commas, which would really enhance and clarify the meaning of your sentances and the end was rushed a bit in telling the story and things got a bit unclear.
