Good description and a good narration. I could spot a single error if I may say so. "The town feels so alive, she thought. With The Choosing so near at hand, they ought to be.. What is the word 'they' in the sentence related to. In my opinion it is related to the word 'town'. In which case, 'they' is not an appropriate word. "It ought to be" is a better choice.
But for this, it was wonderful reading your story. And the ending was brilliant. Wanted me to read a little bit more of the story.
A highly entertaining poem with a diabolical plot and NASTY twist at the end .... So nasty that I burst out laughing ....thanks for the entertainment. I read very little poetry and review even less but I couldn't resist your piece.
What I liked
The simple conversational tone of the entire poem.
The villainous plot, as you call it was brilliant
The ending was sheer magic - I couldn't foresee it.
I do not want to say anything else nor do I have any suggestions to give
I wanted to review your first 500 letters of creative writing .... By the time I reached the end of the story, I held myself back ..... The beginning, the first para .... gives birth to the suspense - the anticipation, the wait and the fear that this ritual would stop, I could feel the pangs ....
The slow and deliberate pace to reach the letter, to open it and to read it ...... Again I could sense the fear ...... Is life going to change, am I ready for it, what if life goes the other way .... Not as anticipated!
I hope you don't think that I am on a I-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine mission ......the fatal flaw is in the ending itself ..... I sincerely hope that you have plans to continue, it has great scope to develop into a love story .... Since the contents of the letter are not revealed ..... You can develop it into anything that you want.
Interesting plot, a little bit more of technical description with respect to the facility would have given a better understanding of the station. Coming to some specific issues, you seem to be jumping from the 'I' to 'Ryan' in the same chapter - basically you are moving from first person to third person and then back to first person again, and there is no switchover taking place for this to happen. At least a change of scene or characters - you seem to be doing it without a break.
Are you sure of the 'insure' or do you want to use the word 'ensure'? Ensure a job is done, ensure that a deadline is met, ensure a wish is fulfilled etc etc etc. The word insure appears with unerring regularity. I take it that you want to use 'insure'. Looks like a mistake.
At one place there is a spelling mistake. That appeared more as a typo - bee is written where been should have been written. Another place, the sentence construction appeared strange. But these are very few.
A good narration, although the end was abrupt. A lot of detail in respect of memories; I could very easily imagine the stubbornness of youth, the falling in love feeling and the old man's walk through the woods. Could the end have have been different - well you gave birth to the story, so I'll go with you. In my opinion, it's not clear as to what the old man learned ........he didn't want his son to go and lost him .... he does a good deed and still is about to die ..... should one surrender without a fight ..... or should one fight and sacrifice one's life? so what did the old man learn? ......you could have added a lit bit here before signing off! ........as I said that's my opinion but thanks for a good narration.
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