I like your poem here. You manage to tell a very good story in a very short space so kudos to you there.
The only thing is I did notice all lines are 4 syllables but the start of the 4th verse (The fire built) is only 3. I'm not sure if you're trying to make fire 2 syllables or just missed this one but with such regularity in every other line, I noticed this one.
I like your story here, even with its abrupt ending and you definitely squeezed in plenty of tennis phrases. I didn't need a line judge to see that.
Couple of points in your work. It irks me when people start consecutive paragraphs with the same word or words; it really pulls me out of the story. In your case, you start the first two paragraphs with "I was fifteen" and later, started two paragraphs in a row with "I".
The other thing I did notice is that when he shouted "You cannot be serious!!" The exclamation marks should have signified the end of the sentence but you carried on with a comma, outside the quotation marks.
Other than that (and my personal niggle on paragraph starting) this is a really good story which was told very well given the short number of words.
I very much like the idea of your story here, that our journey to our final destination is on a train, surrounded by the rest of the recently departed. Certainly a break from the norm and your story is good enough that I believe it could be plausible.
Spelling wise, there's nothing wrong I can see with all words spelt correctly.
What I do have to bring your attention to (because I do it a lot so I'm always on the look out for it) is how often you start your sentences with the word "she." In your last 7 paragraphs, you have 18 sentences, half of which start with this word. For me, that's too often (particularly when there are two of three of them in a row) and really pulls me out of the story.
I'd also bring your attention to your use of capitals. In one paragraph, you say "Ticket master" but if it's someone's name, it should be "Ticket Master" but for the rest of the story, they are both lower case.
Generally, this is a really good short story and with a bit of fine editing, could be a great one and I'd certainly like to read more of what happens to this woman.
I like your story and feel it could be something of a prologue or first chapter for something longer.
I actually laughed out loud when I read about the goblin reading Henchmen Quarterly. Brilliantly inventive.
You did say that your grammar needs work so I won't mention that but Il will comment that I did notice a thing with your speech where you don't always get it right with regards to commas and full stops following speech.
As s rule it should be comma if the speech continues the text ie: "I knew that," Jessica lied.
A full stop in the case of new action starting ie: "I knew that." Jessica folded her arms, refusing to look me in the eyes.
Your spelling is good. I didn't see too many major problems with this.
A decent piece here (I got this is a random review click) and I wonder how you got on in your contest.
Generally, this works well with your grammar, paragraph length and flow working well in the story.
A couple of minor niggles. The first is that you mention being sure the librarian would be surprised to see you in consecutive sentences. The other is that a hangout is a place where people hang out. You hang out in a hangout but the hangout is the building your character is in.
ie That club is a great hangout
I'm going to hang out in the club
I like the story here and get a feel for your main characters. Their interaction seems genuine and works well for what you're trying to tell.
If you're going to enter this into a contest however, I'd recommend you go back and edit it a bit.
Pay particular attention to your tenses. Frequently, you switch between the present and past in the same sentence which, as the reader, pulls me out of the story.
Until the two workers find the car, there are only two people in this story. This means you don't have to use their names quite so often as you do.
You do "tell" quite a lot in your work. This is your style and there are times where, like others, it works but, as an example, you wrote "Stephanie was concerned." Okay, she was concerned but it didn't pull me in. If, the line was something similar to "I'd rather you were home late and safe than not at all" this shows me she was concerned and adds some feeling and flavour to the work.
Spelling, grammar, pacing and paragraph lengths all work fine here and I imagine you'll do well in your contest. Best of luck.
This is a fantastic piece of writing and might just be the first 5 star review I've ever given.
You've got everything in here. Emotion, detail, use of the senses. Every person will probably have a person like that in their memory. I think it's great you didn't describe Evelyn too much, allowing your reader to put that person into the story and as a result, put themselves in the story. That's a very difficult thing but you achieved it.
Your sentence structure, grammar and spelling are also really good. There were no issues I could see.
Time to get down off the roof and start writing more. You've got the knack.
I like the story. Your characters immediately come to life and I can feel their relationship through their words. I can automatically tell they've been together a long time and that it's mostly a relationship of tolerance and acceptance.
With regards the writing itself, it's mostly okay. I do think you could tighten up your punctuation as there is quite a few commas and full stops missing.
Your spelling is fine and choice of words works well throughout although I did notice you used distraction and interruption when distract or interrupt were probably the words you meant.
The idea of the poem is good and I think a love affair that can never be is a subject everyone over a certain age can relate to.
Where it does need improving is your flow. As a general rule in standard poetry, you need it to flow right and the best way to do this is to have a similar amount of syllables per line. This is something that right, your piece is missing.
Just looking at the first three verses you have syllables as follows:
4-7-7-9
9-11-5-11
7-8-9-8
When reading those three verses, the third one was definitely the best because of the similar amount in each line.
Where possible, you should also try to keep them the same throughout the verses. Not exactly the same necessarily but if you had a verse of 11 syllable lines then a verse of 5, it wouldn't work if that makes sense.
I like the idea of your story here and could definitely see a long piece stemming from it. Do the men fight back or has the government abandoned the city to the crows? What's the significance of the handsome man and his daughter?
There's a lot of repetition in here both in the use of the word city and using the same words in consecutive sentences. If you could go back and edit it to use different words then I think the piece would be a lot stronger for it.
This is a good piece. Very descriptive and with a great sense of anticipation.
If it was me and I was looking to improve the piece, I'd say that when he was racing the stalkers, the sentences would be shorter. A person reads short sentences quickly and in a situation like that, I think they'd work better to build up what is happening rather than slowing the action down with longer sentences.
Other than that minor tweak, this is a well worth reading.
I like what you've started here. There's definitely something more going on which is alluded to throughout the text that I'm interested to find out what happens next.
Your main character, while not much in terms of development because of the events taking place, comes across like a rounded one. I feel like you know him well.
I'd draw your attention to the beginning of your sentences and advise you go back through and count the number which begin with the word "He" and perhaps edit to remove some of them.
Speaking of editing, there was also a couple of places where some tightening up would help with the flow. As an example, "Each drop landing upon his battered face like slaps of coldness." could be "Each frozen drop landing upon his battered face like slaps."
Aside from these little niggles, your writing style is good, with good sentence length which flows well given the action taking place.
I like what you've got here. You've created a main character who, despite breaking a guys heart, comes across as very sympathetic.
Your writing is very good and while there isn't a lot of description, for this kind of story and events in it, I don't think you need a lot. It does work just as well without.
Where it does get me just a bit is your speech. You use a lot of words except said (stammered, shouted, interjected, cried, sobbed etc.) which, while they work with the first person method of telling your story di stop me being able to get fully immersed in it because each different word pulled me out a bit while I had to process it rather than just seeing said and having words and actions define those words instead.
All that said, I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more.
A good piece of writing and if it's not written from personal experience then you've done really well getting into the head of your character. Either way, you evoked some emotions and I found myself holding my breath as I read.
I did notice a few minor issues with some of your words and punctuation. Some are minor (breath in and out where I'd personally use breathe) and others just need a bit of tweaking (blood stained sheet instead of stain) but other than a minor bit of editing and tidying up, this is a really good work.
An interesting piece that certainly raises a lot of questions. I'd be interested to know if there was a story behind this (besides your own experience) that could be expanded on as a main character is on a quest to discover the answers.
With the writing itself, it's mostly okay. The last paragraph took me a few attempts to work out what you meant. It may work better if you were a bit clearer with your choice of words. For me, the second goal is out of place.
Grammar and spelling are good. No obvious errors I could spot. Good job.
A good piece. Almost flawless in its grammar and spelling (just a lower case i where an I should be) and with good flow.
An interesting message too. I think we're all guilty in some respect of putting on a character. Someone asks you how you are, you say "fine" even though you're not.
I'm not really sure if there's anywhere this could lead to regarding a full on story but what you have here is very good.
A decent story with a nice twist at the end. I thought the homeless man might have known something about it but didn't think for a second he'd be the bad guy. Good ending too with the girl trapped inside the statue.
Generally very well written. I did notice that when the homeless man spoke, he used both lower and capitalised versions of "miss" and towards the end, I was reading quickly to find out what was going to happen but feel some of the sentences were a bit too long to do this with and could do with a bit of tightening up.
Other than that, I was most impressed and look forward to seeing what else you've written.
I like the idea of your story and, as a parent myself, not knowing where your child is really is a worst nightmare.
There is one part of your story that I'd really have to consider a big plot hole. The man who found Josh said Josh had told him his name and age. The very first thing I'd do at that point is ask the child who can obviously talk where his mum and dad are. If the child then pointed to Asda, I could understand taking him there.
Your spelling is really good. You're missing a few commas and full-stops and in one case, a question mark but a quick review / edit should sort those out.
In terms of this being a story, I think it also might help if you build up the tension. The mother hears the tannoy announcement the second she walks into Asda. If she'd been running back and forth down the aisles for a few minutes first then it would not only increase the tension and the sense of relief when she got him back.
Generally though, it's a good story that just needs a bit of polish here and there to make it really good.
I like the idea of the story. I think there's a bit of information in there that is confusing for the reader (myself included) about the poisons and things.
The ending thoroughly confused me with the speech. "I do." I can't work our what that means or in what context it fits in with the rest of the story.
The writing itself is good, no spelling or grammar errors that I could see. It could just do with a bit of editing to make it more coherent.
A good, accurate and very true piece. I actually met one of my first proper girlfriends on a bus. If I hadn't sat opposite her and struck up a conversation, that would never have happened.
Your spelling is all fine. There are a couple of places where you've either put in the wrong word or missed a word out but generally the whole thing is well written.
Interesting and I'm going to assume a personal story to you. Based on real life events perhaps?
Your writing is of a good standard. In the first paragraph you capitalise the word That and when he's tripped you write goin without either the end g or '
Other than that, all good and perhaps something that could be expanded on to something a bit longer. Who knows, maybe her crush likes her too?
This is a good story. With Kate mentioning her medication you can tell something is but I didn't know what until I actually read it.
There are a couple of very minor things. The first is in the second sentence where I think you meant to put "the silence says" rather than say.
I'm also not sure the for once in your life comment is right. Alex, if he had never helped Kate before would not have gone to pick her up. He may have needed more convincing but he would have helped.
Other than that, it's all looking good. No grammar or spelling mistakes that I noticed, sentence and paragraph structure work well in the context of the story you've written. Great work.
This is an absolutely fantastic story. Your main character is so rich and rounded I almost felt like I could meet her in the street. If I lived in that future of course. The plot itself is great and I'm intrigued to know where the idea came from.
Grammar and spelling wise, absolutely superb. I didn't notice any issues with either. The only minor quibble I do have is I think you occasionally use words that are too similar in the same sentence. The first one I noticed was "He tried to resist, but there were far too many soldiers around to really put up any kind of resistance." It's a good use of the word but with resist in there already, resistance just jerks me to the side and pulls me out of the story. There are a few others like that.
Like I said though, I really like this. If this is an example of the standard of your writing I can see at some point, you'll be able to get your work into print. Great job.
Reading that, if you haven't experienced it first hand then you've done a really good job describing it with amazing accuracy.
Normally, using the same word in a sentence pulls me right out of a story but in your case, using the word "word" over and over again does work.
Your writing is really good. Going over it with a fine tooth comb I'd say it could do with a bit of editing just to make it a bit tighter. Spelling wise, absolutely fine except over come in this context is one word.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 9:38am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "